Little Sunshine

A lot has happened to our little family regarding childcare and I don’t think I’ve ever discussed it.

Our Tribe Our Village (OTOV) https://www.yelp.com/biz/our-tribe-our-village-childcare-center-buena-park

This was his first daycare. It was a local place located on a church campus that had great reviews. The teachers there were really sweet, 4 years later, one of the teachers on occasion still watches A. We started attending Q1 2022, but starting July, everything started falling apart.

Timeline:

April 2022, the pipes burst and they had to close down their infant side. We picked up our little guy out and waited patiently to hear when they'd reopen.

Finally got some news that they'll open again mid-June. A week later I get confirmation that he can begin July 5th.

July 19, 2022 finally gave up and finally enrolled in a new daycare.

Jan 2023 Breaking News: They got caught – OTOV WAS NOT LICENSED FOR INFANT CARE (only the preschool is licensed) they used the pipes burst as a ruse. Apparently, the directors were pocketing the money, they didn’t pay for rent and also ended up scamming the teachers out of their salary too.

Citation: https://www.ccld.dss.ca.gov/carefacilitysearch/FacDetail/304371489

Licensing: https://www.ccld.dss.ca.gov/carefacilitysearch/FacDetail/304371563

IRemnant Preschool https://www.yelp.com/biz/iremnant-preschool-fullerton-2

On 09/20/23 a teacher was found by another parent being physically rough with A. We started attending because a lot of our church kids used their facility and the infant teacher was amazing. Another teacher happened to be dealing with my son and was absolutely out of line. At the time I had only heard of what happened and immediately pulled him out. I called the police to file a complaint immediately. Thankfully so because the facility later lied and stated no video was available. The detective called me later to ask if I would watch the video because they wanted me to press charges. I finally agreed and had to see first hand what had happened. For clarification, I did not sue, I did not want to deal with the situation any further and was not asking for compensation.

Citation: https://www.ccld.dss.ca.gov/transparencyapi/api/FacilityReports?facNum=304370681&inx=6

Danbrook STEAM Camp https://www.instagram.com/p/DWtsneUGuCs/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

Yesterday (7/13/26) a few people failed A. A teacher thought she heard A was being dismissed and packed up his things. The teacher manning the gate was not paying attention and let him walk right out. They didn’t even check if he was received by the appropriate adult. He began wandering the street. Thankfully some nice folks saw him and took him aside. He had been practicing memorizing my number since last year so thankfully those nice folks called me right away. I picked him up and hugged that lady instantly. I also called the school and gave them a piece of my mind.

So what’s with the title of this post? Being raised a Buddhist, karma is always at the forefront of my mind. After yesterday’s incident it was hard for me to believe why Anderson was placed in such terrible situations, am I a bad parent? It’s not fair to him, what did he do to deserve this. Then it also dawned on me.. luck, because ultimately, he’s safe.

For OTOV, he was the one of the first kids pulled out, so we ended up getting our refund from them before the directors bounced and the facility officially closed.

For IRementat, the incident highlighted a teacher that had been working there for 12 years and was known to be the mean one. How many more children had she hurt? At least she would no longer be there and publicly known for her wrongdoings. There was a large exodus of parents that removed their kids.

For Danbrook, after speaking with the director, they are creating stricter protocols for checkout procedures.

I’m still angry… I’m just trying to force the optimism at this point.

The amount of hoops one must complete for fertility testing is insane. I should get a pre-push present. I have to coordinate the following, and this is all before I even start the IVF/IUI treatments!

Step 1: Day 3 Lab Testing COMPLETE

Present to laboratory for your blood draw on the 3rd day of your full flow menstrual cycle.

GC/Chlamydia Urine test has been ordered and can be submitted at the same time you present for blood draw.

Step 2: INSTRUCTIONS FOR HSG (HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM)

A special X-ray study of your uterus and fallopian tubes to determine how they look. This x-ray study requires special timing with your menstrual cycle.

Day 1 of your menstrual cycle.

The 1st day of your menstrual cycle is the 1st day that you have a full flow of bright red blood. Call the Radiology Department. The test needs to be performed after you finish bleeding but before you ovulate. For most women, this falls between cycle days 6 – 10 of your menstrual cycle.

Day before HSG

You must begin taking the antibiotic prescription you were prescribed. Taking the antibiotic is not optional but instead a requirement for this exam.

Day of HSG

One hour prior to the test, you should take medication to help with cramping you may experience. We recommend Ibuprofen (Motrin, Advil) 600-800 mg with a snack. DO NOT SKIP THIS, I HAD THE ABSOLUTE WORST CRAMPING OF MY LIFE THE FIRST TIME I DID THIS.

We are exploring fertility options. Little man is now 4.5 years old and has been asking for a sibling (specifically a brother). He keeps touching my belly asking if there's a baby in there. To be fair I’ve been entertaining the idea for the last couple of years. We have been not NOT trying to no avail. I made the call to membership last week to verify coverage and made my first appointment – May 11th! I’m excited and nervous. For all I know the doctor could say I don’t qualify for IUI/IVF due to my condition (hydrosalpinx). But I am trying to stay positive. If the doctor states I would need surgery first prior to the fertility treatments, then that’s the end of this journey. But at least I tried and put it to bed.

I’m afraid to get my hopes up, but more afraid of the what if...

I personally think 5-6 days is the perfect time in Hanoi, there's a lot to do and here's my breakdown and experience.

on to the Itinerary!

Day 1: Ninh Binh

Hoa Lu Temples

Trang An Complex

Mua Caves

Day 2 & 3: Ha Long Bay - the boat we booked was quite rustic... (some of the nicer looking ships were Lamour, Le Regina, Aqua Elegance, Du Yen)

Sung Sot Cave

Ti Top Island

Day 4: Old Quarter

Train Street - check for arrival train times, arrive 30 min early.

Hoa Kiem Lake - Ngoc Son Temple & Huc Bridge

Water Puppet show - you don't have to complete thru a third party booking, just buy a few days ahead of time.

Dong Xuan Market - Friday & Saturday only, they finish setting up around 7:30pm

Day 5: Tran Quoc Pagoda Ba Dinh Square

Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum

President's Palace

Ministry of Foreign Affairs

National Assembl Building

Best places I ate at:

Bánh cuốn nóng Hồ Tây

Pizza 4P's Au Co (there's multiple locations)

Chào Bạn

Where I stayed:

Hanoi Plaza Suite Hotel & Spa is located in Old Quarter and had the best service. Great location and includes free breakfast.

Sheraton Hanoi Hotel was very nice with a pool.

Some notes:

Download Grab for car service (similar to Uber/Lyft), it's much cheaper than taxis.

If you plan on eating at hole in the wall locations, they take cash only - we spent an average of $10 USD/person a day. If you dine at nicer establishments, they'll take credit cards, but sometimes at a 5% additional charge.

Both hotels I stayed at provided water bottles on a daily basis - don't drink the tap!

If you're going during the spring/summer, I would recommend light layers - moisture-wick clothes to keep you cool and dry (see examples below). To enter temples, women will need to cover their knees and shoulders.

What is it? Hand-foot-and-mouth disease is a mild, contagious viral infection common in young children. Symptoms include sores in the mouth and a rash on the hands and feet. There's no specific treatment for hand-foot-and-mouth disease.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hand-foot-and-mouth-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20353035#:~:text=Hand%2Dfoot%2Dand%2Dmouth%20disease%20is%20a%20mild%2C,foot%2Dand%2Dmouth%20disease.

How do you get it? The virus can spread to others through an infected person’s saliva, drool, Fluid from blisters or scabs or poop. They are usually most contagious during the first week that they are sick. 

So my wonderful daycare decided not to disclose that there were a few cases the week prior until after Anderson had already shown symptoms. Super upset because I in turn also got it as an adult (which is generally rare).

The child:

Day 1: fever 102.7 (administered Motrin 2-3 times a day)

Day 2: very cranky, loss of appetite (administered Motrin 2-3 times a day)

Day 3: visible bumps around the mouth, bottom, and knees (administered Motrin once a day)

Day 4: appetite has returned, bumps still visible and multiplied to feet, hands, and interior of mouth (administered Motrin once a day)

Day 5-6: crankiness has subsided a bit

Day 7: interior of mouth seems clear, demeanor back to normal

Myself:

Day 1: fever 103.6 (my symptoms began 3 days after the child’s) took adult Tylenol

Day 2: loss of appetite (most likely cranky)

Day 3-5: immense sore throat (visible blisters inside mouth)

Day 6-7: blisters still present, some pain has subsided, fever of 102 on both days (however working could have exacerbated my condition) took adult Tylenol

Day 8: fever subsided, blisters still present and difficult to swallow

Treatment: We went to the doctors and there’s nothing they can prescribe since it’s a virus. Cepacol and other numbing medications have not worked/helped. Even my usual honey/orange hot water concoction is not doing it for me. Oddly the only relief I get is every time I brush my teeth and use mouthwash – weird.

Food: fruit was our enemy, anything acid was just awful on the throat. Soft foods (and surprisingly spicy foods went down well). So a lot of overcooked rice (porridge), mashed potatoes and soft serve ice cream was consumed during this time. Other things I made: tteokbokki, jello, yubuchobap, eggs.

Officially my last week of pumping! I lasted almost a full year, but I am over it. It was annoying, in the beginning I was pumping around 7 times a day and that takes up 20 to 30 minutes. I felt like I was permanently attached to the pumping schedule. My boobs leaked through my clothes, and they would ache in-between if I waited too long. I had to use a vibrator looking instrument to massage out the clogs and if it got really bad, I had to break out the heating pads. At the height of it I was producing around 1 gallon a day (no joke, double the amount the little man needed).  My poor nipples and the boob soreness was awful.

Pictured above is organizing the frozen supply in order of date since they expire in 6 months. (I don’t have a deep freezer). The other day I saw a photo of a mom showing off her huge stash of expired breast milk (more than my picture!). It made me so upset because I know a few people who had a hard time even producing, she could’ve donated it at least. I stocked up knowing I would eventually wean off since working full time and trying to pump between breaks has been really difficult.

Before I get into it, don’t get me wrong – I AM VERY GREATFUL that I was able to produce a ton. This is not a humble brag, no one reads this blog (if you randomly have come across this). This is a recollection of my pregnancy, birth, and post-birth memories for me to reflect on later in life. My production has been helpful especially with the formula shortage that happened twice this year (factory got shut down from a recall and a few months later a flood). Also, pumping has helped especially since his teeth have come in, man the biting is no fun.

This entire entry is about milking my boobs, prepare yourself.

I was fortunate enough to be an overproducer. Now physically and mentally, it didn’t seem like a blessing, however, it saves you a ton on costs. It takes a lot of patience and time if you’re going to pump/breastfeed exclusively.

Hospital Pump versus Insurance Issued

There is no comparison. The hospital pump (Medela Symphony) is far superior and nicer on my breasts. It retails for 3k but I was able to rent it for $50/month. Some people have no issues using the ones available via insurance. I still got the free one from my insurance (Medela In Style) and bring that with me when I’m traveling or running errands since its portable and can run off battery. I really wanted the Willow one that fits inside your bra but couldn’t get myself to pay that much.

Hakka versus Elvie Milk Collector

I ended up buying both because the Hakka was uncomfortable and started hurting for some reason. These are great for collecting milk in-between pumps. I couldn’t just use breast pads because I would leak through them so quickly. I ended up using the Elvie more often since its more discreet (fit in my bra easier), however, it holds a lot less so you’ll have to drain more often.

Disposable Breast Pads versus Reusable

After a few months I could finally stop using the milk collectors and just wear breast pads between pumps. Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I still leak through, but they a far a few between now (I purposely didn’t add a timeframe because this is different for everyone). I constantly use my reusable ones so I don’t see a reason why there’s a need for disposable ones. I just wash them in-between (I bought a set of 10). I feel like the disposable ones who be so costly.

Pumping Bras

I bought a total of 3 bras, I won’t get into too much detail – you can always order and try it on for yourself:

Favorite, comfortable and kept the girls up. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08L8V1JBB/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Most comfortable, however, girls will sag. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07WS54CZH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

DO NOT BUY – useless https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0052ZGRYQ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Freezer Bags 

I don’t have a lot of feedback on this, I mostly use the Lansinoh freezer bags just because they are always the least expensive. The Kiinde system is super nice and convenient since you’ll be avoiding bottle cleaning, however, the bags can get a bit pricey and my little guy didn’t like the nipples.

Clogged Ducts

My friend scared the bajeebus out of me about getting mastitis: A condition in which breast tissue is inflamed. It is usually caused by an infection and is most often seen in nursing mothers. She had gotten it twice so I made sure to purchase two items. A lactation massager and heat packs. For the lactation massager, it was a godsend, there were times where I would pump for a few hours (I really wanted to sleep) but then my breasts were hard as rocks. Hand massaging them would hurt my hands after a while, it was that tiring. The one I linked below is nice because it has different settings. For the heat pads, you could get away with using any, I just happened to come across these. It was nice when my boobs were particularly achy.

Lactation Massager: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B079HFSYKX/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I am so much more judgemental of people and their intent now. This is very evident and I'm not sure how to turn it off, to be entirely honest, I don't know if I even want to change. Actions/intentions should mean something. Life is too short to be so consumed by such narcissistic values - not really going to get into detail about that lol

UPDATE

It’s now been a week since we’ve been home from the NICU and the funny thing is a I reflect on my experience, I remember the contractions, the pushing, the C-section – the only thoughts that came to mind were… “why in the world would anyone go through this agony and pain.” Yet, as I hold him in my arms, I would do it all over again. I catch myself staring at him thinking how wonderful it is to have him nestled in my embace. I can’t believe he’s here, for me to take care of. The constant feeding, changing of diapers, crying – all of it hasn’t worn me out yet, but it’s all so wonderful. Seeing him and his little facial expressions, I can’t get over it. It’s amazing watching him grow with each day. I feel so blessed. My mom called me shortly after and regaled how every time she gave birth, she felt the same way. During the act she didn’t understand why anyone would torture themselves (mind you she did this 8 times) yet afterwards, that newborn baby washed away all your regrets. It was all worth it to see them cradled in your arms looking up at you. I look forward to introducing this little one to the rest of my family, I know with the ongoing pandemic it won’t happen soon, but eventually. There are so many things I look forward to, can’t wait for the holidays to come around so we can rejoice and celebrate together.

Currently sitting in the NICU I need to find a way to distract myself. There are so many things that I’m feeling right now that I don’t think I could appropriately put them into words. For now I’ll just describe my experiences this far. To be clear, understand the following:

1. In no way am I an expert, the following are just opinions as a mother on day #5, whatever I do reference I will add a link

2. The information below may get a little personal, so if your icky factor is set low, you may want to skip this post - proceed with caution

3. My procedure and my babys situation was referenced in the previous post for more context

Adult Diapers: what the hospital gives you is absolute rubish, it was utterly awkward and leaked everywhere. I googled a few options and settled on Solima Incontinence and Postpartum Underwear - I purchased a size medium which was my size pre-pregnancy. They are fantastic! So much easier to wear and use. I did purchase a 60 count because I wasnt sure for how long I would need them for. Admittedly, I am still bleeding sporadically and if the pain is particulalrly extrcruciating I do secrete some minor urine. I have nothing else to compare them to since I haven’t needed to try other brands. They are my new best friend.

If you don’t happen to have a bidet installed at your house, you may want to get a nifty peri bottle to clean the area between showers as well.

Insurance: adding peanut to my insurance has been a nightmare. I call, fill out documents online and have no idea what the status is. I’m making another round of calls today to figure this out. Birth Cirtificate you can get in about 2 weeks, but you have to apply in person. Social Security will be mailed to you but that takes about 8 weeks. I currently have Kaiser, but because of the emergency he was sent out of network (CHOC) so I worry about any additional fees that might be incurred.

Pumping Bra: if you plan on breastfeeding you abolsutely need to get a bra that holds the pumping cups in place. Sitting there the first few days holding it to your boob was ridiculous. Not because it just tires out your arms, but you also have to set the machine, pore the contents, label, etc. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t purchase this ahead of time, but get one before you are due! I bought this one and its been great since it fits the various pumping machines I’ve had to use (what the hospital offers differs to what was covered under the insurance) and also latches down entirely to breast feed. 

 Also, unexpectedly on day 4 my boobs turned super stuff. Apparently this is normal, just keep pumping regularly and eventually it’ll go away. However, if it gets to the point where they are rock hard and ache, you’re possibly on the verge of clogging (current status) - so after speaking with the lactation specialist I now have to:

Pump more frequently (every 2.5 hours instead of 3)

Durration is longer: 20 minutes instead if 15 minutes. If I end up oversleeping and there’s a larger gap I pump for upwards of 30 minutes.

Massage them - originally I was was doing this by hand and I felt like i was going to get carpal tunnel, so my friend turned me on to this my boobs are squishy once more!

Modesty Cover: initally I wanted multi-purposeful items so I got that stretchy infinity scarf ones that also stretch over baby seats. Do yourself a favor and just get one of those flap ones, modesty is out the door when you’re trying to pump or breast feed in a public setting

Swollen: I think I just had this misconception that when the nurses pressed on my belly after the procedure, my body would immediately revert back to pre-pregnancy. Looking in the mirror that is not the case. My feet are still swollen (although not has bad as 2 weeks ago), my belly is still there, and the rememnants of my PUPPPs is still visible, albeit much less worse and non-itchy as this point - although terribly dry. Hopefully it’ll lessen over time. 

NICU diggs: I cant speak for all NICUs of course, but I’ll comment in my current one. Although there is a decent size couch and comfy chair, it’s not great when you plan on sleeping with your baby overnight. I would recommend bringing the following:

comfortable blanket, the ones they provide here are practically canvas material

laptop + charger (there will be a lot of downtime, you’re not a bad parent, also I haven’t been allowed to even hold peanut yet since he’s hooked up to a bunch of machines)

bring snacks, hospital food is subpar and portions are teeny tiny - or maybe I’m just a fatty. Also, food was only comped for mamma, not for daddy/guest - additional fees apply. 

So yesterday began with 4am contractions and then landed me at an emergency c-section (vacuum was not an option per the doctor since his por little head was imflammed). During the c-section I experienced a ton of discomfort and tremendous tugging but the worst was yet to come. There were severe tugging pains, I began to cry from the force of it but for the first few moments of Andersons life, he would not breath for unknown reasons. I knew something was wrong because I could hear incoherent yelling coming from Andersons attendees. I didn't hear his cry.. I looked over, experiencing the worst moment of my life. The doctors had to perform CPR and eventually intubation was their only option. He's was immediately transferred to CHOC NICU. I saw him but for a brief moment before he was transported away. I saw him through a plastic box, I haven't had a chance to even touch him yet. I cried uncontrollably until by body shook, I am so scared.

My partner is shuttling between CHOC and Kaiser. I will likely be discharged by Sunday evening and Anderson is tbd. I don't know what to tell anyone as I am still processing all this and it's hard enough. I wouldn’t be able to handle the onslaught of follow up questions - the idea of having to repeat that statement over and over again, I just can’t

So I have about 2 more weeks left, but Anderson will come when he wants to come. In the last month (literally) I began having allergic reactions – to what I am still not sure. I haven’t eaten any new foods, introduced new clothing, rewashed everything including the bed sheets... so its been pretty uncomfortable. There are rashes all over my body and extremities even with popping Benadryl and rubbing prescription oil. I went to the hospital yesterday since the symptoms were worsening by the hour – I had to wait a whopping 5 hours before I was actually seen. Does not bode well when the time comes, and I am in labor. I also have been unknowingly experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions and PUPPP.

What do Braxton Hicks contractions feel like?

Braxton Hicks contractions start as an uncomfortable but painless tightening that begins at the top of your uterine muscles and spreads downwards. They cause your abdomen to become very hard and strangely contorted (almost pointy). Once you get closer to your estimated due date, they will become more frequent and intense. https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/labor-and-birth/braxton-hicks/

I had been feeling abnormal pain once in awhile and did not know it was actually BH contractions, apparently the doctor could see it on the monitor. Now I’m wondering what real contractions will feel like versus BH lol

Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP) rash is an itchy rash that appears in stretch marks of the stomach during late pregnancy.

While the exact cause of PUPPP rash isn’t known, the stretching of the skin seems to be a trigger for the rash to occur. PUPPP rash occurs in about 1 in every 150 pregnancies.https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/puppps-rash#TOC_TITLE_HDR_1

The rashes are getting worse by the day, even with the prescribed medication. 

Cant believe we’re almost there. I’ve grown exponentially in the last month. For a long time, people stated I wasn’t that big… they cant take deny it now. It’s overwhelming and exiting all at the same time. I’m excited to see Mr. Anderson, mostly because I hope he’s healthy and safe. I don’t know what’s happening in my belly, so the unknown is worrisome. The pregnancy itself has been relatively manageable. I have expansion pains and physically/mentally tired, but not much else. I saw the following comic and found it entertaining. Hopefully the following conditions won’t be too severe in the next upcoming weeks. 

My leave officially begins on 8/23/21, I’m pretty excited. It’ll be nice to have the time off. In the next few weeks, we’ll get a chance to celebrate our cousin’s union, so hopefully I don’t pop by then. I’ve been very fortunate to have so many people around already complete this stage in their life. I’ve received great advice and some hand-me-downs. I didn’t see the value in buying all new items, especially when babies seem to grow out of things so quickly. Can’t wait to meet you Anderson!

*8/2 Update*

spoke too soon, i have an itchy rash all over my upper chest lol 

also my feet have swollen up a full size, I caved and finally bought one pair of tennis shoes to walk around in, I really hope they go back down after I give birth

I’ve gained a total of 25ish lbs since january which doesn’t seem like a lot, but I guess my total BMI is not what the doc would like to see, so they keep telling me not to gain anymore (i haven’t been going out of my way to stuff my face lol)

As of late I’ve been feeling exhausted. I haven’t been doing anything out of the ordinary outside my daily routine so I’m assuming its the growing baby inside of me. It’d hard for me to focus on work as of late too. I feel sluggish and also feel like things are harder for me to comprehend. I stare at my screen and I end up having to reread materials over and over again. I’ve also had to resort to writing down all my tasks, lest i forget. I don’t quite know how I’m going to manage work, school, volunteer, and baby. I think that worries me the most right now. Come fall, I may not enroll in any classes this upcoming fall, just to see how I’ll adapt with baby in tow. 

I have been quite lucky for the first and second trimesters when it came to symptoms, third trimester not so much. I’m dealing with quite a bit of insomnia, excessive leg cramping in the middle of the night, nauseousness, loss of appetite, and just general tiredness. I think I may have to consider taking my maternity leave sooner then I thought I would. My next ultrasound appointment is in 2 weeks, I’m interested in seeing the progress and hopefully have a firmer date on the when Anderson should arrive!

Today I am 26 weeks along. With some of the initial pregnancy complications and the looming COVID at every corner, it’s been an interesting year. Each day I feel more grateful for the next. I feel the baby growing inside of me. Grateful for every movement (however minor at the moment) because then I know he’s percolating in there, growing with each passing minute. It’s sometimes overwhelming to think that this time last year I was still reeling from the news that I will not be able to bear children. The end of last year was me accepting this fate and preparing for what the future may hold, now here I am. I stare at my growing belly in awe. My partner has made it clear he doesn’t see the miracle, but I sure do. 

this past weekend started off so well. I started cleaning up the random junk from the soon to be baby room. organizing and donating the stuff we dont need (hoarder, i am not). I got see my lovely Ortho group on saturday, it’s been nearly a year since I last saw them. We sat in my backyard and just caught up. It’s so nice to see people in person rather than via digital channels. On Sunday more setting baby stuffs (tackling the crib) and relaxing and eating good food. That’s where things started going downhill. 

I’m curretly taking classes at the moment, working on finishing up a degree and for my elective class we had to choose from a few images to recreate. I chose the following (http://www.dawnsartnotes.com/assets/leonardo-da-vinci-sketch.jpg) and below is my recreation. Not my finest work as i know I severely lack in the art skills, but from far away i think i did okay lol

You can likely understand why I chose the above image. I don’t know how to really describe everything I’ve been going through. I have so many questions and concerns in my head at the moment that it feels overwhelming at times. I dont know how I’m going to manage work, baby, and college courses. I may have to take a break from my studies. How am I even going to manage work and baby at the same time? I don’t have parents (or in-laws) that can just be here at my beck and call. Nannies/daycare I’m assuming is super expensive. I don’t have the option of working part time for my position; and in no way could I imagine quitting. I’ve worked so hard to get to this point. 

So what is there to do? I told myself a long time ago that if I was ever given the oppurtunity to be a mom, I would be there for my kid. I dont necessarily mean helicopter parenting. It’s just, my mom wasn’t around a lot, she was busy working and making sure all her kids were fed. I understand the position she was in and in no way am I ungrateful for her sacrifices. But here I am, 22 weeks pregnant, so here’s my chance to make good on that promise. 

I hope I’m a good mom.