Edward: Question one. Yasha, what is your ideal first date?
Yasha: Oh, gosh. Uh… let’s see. I would say, I pick her up, you know, roundabout sundown, uh, and then we– catch fireflies. And then I take her home, and we don’t see each other again, ‘cause I’m really not interested in dating.
Audience: [exaggerated] Ooooooooooh! [cheers]
Lydia: Playing hard to get, huh? It seems like our contestant is into that. Nott, same question. What’s your ideal first date?
Nott: Alright, I let them pick me up. I mention to them that I- ‘Uh, gosh I forgot my wallet at home,’ even though we’re in, like, the front yard.
Audience: [laughs]
Nott: I volunteer to drive their vehicle, and tell them it’s filthy, and so we go through the uh- drive through vehicle wash and they pay for that too. Um, and then I take them to have dinner with my family, and–
Jester: Wait, like your husband and stuff?
Nott: They meet my husband and child; it does not– it really kind of sucks, um, and then, uhh, they’re having a miserable time and they’re really mad, they can’t wait to get outta there. I take them back to their house, and so I lean up against the door jam and say, ‘Sure you don’t want me to come in for a few minutes?’ and they slam the door in my face.
Audience: [exaggerated] Ooooooooooh!
Fjord: That’s your ideal first date? Wait, hold on–[laughs]
Edward: I love your honesty! Caleb, another question! Say that you and our contestant are on a date, and one of your enemies recognizes you on the street. How do you respond to that situation?
Caleb: Well you know I really- My fear comes first, so I would definitely run off, sulk in an alleyway, maybe have a panic attack, but, uh. If my date wants to… I don’t know. I would just make sure my enemy got out of there, ‘cause that comes first, I need everything I can get at this point, honestly.
Audience: [silence]
Edward: Kind of an airball there, kind of a brick. That’s okay, we’ll get ‘em on the next round.
Nott: Good job, Caleb.
Edward: Caduceus, uh-
Magnus: Yeah?
Edward: Similar question, say you and the contestant are on a date, and one of your fans recognizes you on the street. How do you respond to that situation?
Caduceus: I have fans?
Edward: Well, one of your heroic fans, sure!
Caduceus: Uh… I mean, I guess are they–what do they want– What does the fan want? Are they just like, 'Hey Caduceus!’
Edward: Yeah- Yeah I don’t- The question seemed pretty clear.
Caduceus: Well, but I mean, the interaction varies, ‘cause if they just want, like, a wave and “ah hey,” I keep going. If they want me to stop and, like, sign a teacup or something, whittle them an earring, um– that might be inconvenient based on my schedule. Do we have dinner reservations, are we trying to get somewhere in a certain amount of time? I need more– There’s a lot of parameters in every social interaction!
Beau: The audience seems–the audience is actually booing you now, Caduceus. Shit.
Caduceus: Oh, okay. Um, I guess what I mean to say is… Since I was with my date first, he would take priority.
Audience: [cheers wildly]
Caduceus: I want you guys to know, I am both weirded out but my competitive streak is kind of taking over, and now I sort of wanna win.
Lydia: Beau, new question. Why shouldn’t the contestant choose your two competitors?
Beau: Well, because um, I mean look at Fjord. I mean, even though he’s kinda small, he’s kept himself up. He’s in good shape, but he would, like, bring demons into bed and speak in tongues–he would not be a gentle lover–
Fjord: WHOA! WHOA-HO-HO! [laughter]
Nott: Jeezy creezy.
Caleb: I regret this entire adventure.
Beau: So don’t– Don’t go with him-
Fjord: This whole adventure has been a mistake up to- because of this-
Beau: Caleb is- Caleb is, he’s too much into his work. Always studying, always plotting, always researching time travel, um, and you know, when he’s not studying, he’s with his fucking cat, so there wouldn’t be any time left for– for you. Whereas I am so cool. I have no magic-
Fjord: [imitating Beau] I don’t have a lot going on right now.
Beau: I don’t have a lot going on, angst-wise. I’ll do nothing but, like, pay attention to ya.
Lydia: Jester, same question, why shouldn’t the contestant choose any of your competitors?
Jester: Um… it’s me.
The Nein: [wheezing laughter]
Jester: Hi, I’m Jester…? You know, from T.V.?
