My simple thoughts

Truth is, I can't let my guard down. I can't show you my true nature. My loyalties would not allow me because if I did, I would betray them. Not only her, but my boyfriend too. My friends, my parents, they'd pity me for still loving you. I cannot tell anyone I love you. I'd tell you, but I don't think I can be vulnerable in that manner with you ever again, let alone act on those feelings.

I wish we were end game, that we married and were happy, that the circumstances were different. But I cannot tell you and you will never know. Not a single soul will. If I wasn't friends wit her, if i didn't have to see your family or explain anything to mine, if I knew we'd work out, I would allow myself to turn back to you. Alas, that is a far reach and it'll never happen. So until then, you shall remain in my heart, mind and dreams, as my almost. My forever love, the one who got away. The one I was meant to marry but now remain as an awaiting bride at the altar, waiting for the groom who shall never arrive as he only exists in her imagination. A work of fiction, perhaps. An imagine based of someone she knows, but a work of art regardless, which will never come to life. No matter how much I bite and scream and scratch, it'll never be true.

And your touch gentle

I never thought they'd make my soul tremble,

And yet here we are in this new decorum.

Your lips and your touch are long since gone

To the point where the memory of it is near to none.

We had a year and a half of it

And yet, the memories are as dusty and moonlit

As the memories of our first meet.

Your soul was entangled to mine

And I knew there was no choice but to thrive

In the reasoning of us being

More than something fleeting.

I've given you my trust, my heart, my soul

And you became anything but just as you took control.

Although I truly felt as if you made me whole,

I see you in People im talking to, in your city's name, in IT, in memes that you would've enjoyed (despite me thinking they're stupid), in photography and both in places we went to and in those I hoped we'd go.

I have lost my support system and I feel so alone. My mental health took a dip from it all and although you turned into a person I simply can't love, I still mourn so much. Although I am happy I am not with the current version of you that caused me so much pain, I miss the old you who comforted me so much. I feel like I can't turn to anybody the way I turned to you and it sucks, even though I know you didn't always do much and I was mostly comforted by your presence, as I praised it so much as a gift from the gods.

The last conversation we had was extremely toxic on your part and it truly left a sour taste in both my mouth and heart. Still, I suppose this is the proof that I still loved you more. I read something recently that said like "Falling in love and loving are two different things; you can be in love but not truly love someone. Being in love can pass, but loving someone is a commitment you make everyday, even with all their flaws right in your face." I think that the fact that I still am capable of mustering a certain amount of kindness towards you even after all we've been through, along with the fall of my mental health should speak extremely loud as you throw insults in my face and claim I am no longer deserving of your respect for simply calling you my ex to someone you know. I am hurting because of you more than I am able to admit or even realise and I wish this will end soon.

Peace be a song,

I never quite forgot it and really took the cutting of hair a significant way of starting a new stage in your life. Leaving the memories and feeling of those memories behind and starting fresh.

That's why I was so happy when I cut my hair yesterday. Not only could I get a haircut I wanted for a while now, I thought it'd help me get over you. Most of the hair you've touched would be gone, I wouldn't have long hair anymore (not the way you liked, anyway) and the hair I've grown while with you would be left behind. I thought it'd take my suffering away and that I'll finally leave you behind.

It did make me happy to be honest. Although a melancholic feeling lingers, I believe that bringing change in my life does the trick, and following various beliefs from various cultures on things like this bring me a certain comfort. A comfort that I'll be fine, that I'll grow and manage myself and that I won't need to carry this luggage of feeling through all my life.

_____________

I know you did, at least at a certain point. Id like to believe that at least at one point, you really loved me and saw a future with me. That for even one moment, you saw and loved me the same way I loved you. Yet, I loved you too much and this is my punishment for it.

While you seem to have moved on (which in my opinion is either false and you're just ignoring your pain, or true and I was so delusional that I thought you geniuenly loved me enough), I am still here, tending to my wounds. You inflicted enough of Them, but they would have never been there if I loved you any less. I loved you so much that I let you do anything with me. I trusted you blindly, my heart and soul fully and utterly yours.

Now I'm picking the pieces of myself together and I'm happy. I'm happy with my own presence and I find myself picking out things I loved but haven't practiced a lot while with you. I find parts of myself I lost when with you, when I thought they were too foolish and stupid, or I was willing to sacrifice and alter them in a way that would please you.

Although I am scared to love for now, I feel whole. I feel more whole than I have felt before our relationship and I feel whole in a way I didn't feel during our relationship. Perhaps that was an issue too; i didn't feel whole on my own and relied too much on you to feel that way. I get why that's bothersome. But you did me great on that matter. I don't feel the need for someone the way I did for you and although I crave intimacy in all ways possible, along with affirmation and just a presence I can rely on for everything, I feel good by myself too. I find pieces of myself I once lost, and meet others that I haven't met yet but enjoy equally as much as the sweet nostalgia of the others.

I have grown and I'm growing even more now, all because of you. So although a bittersweet feeling lies in me regarding you, I am forever grateful for the journey and lesson you gave me. I don't think I'll ever fully get over you and a small piece of me will be softer for you, but I've grown into someone who isn't as needy anymore.

Even diamond is just a mere pebble next to it,

His soul, just like my love for him,

Transcends all of the physical and material world

And upon arriving at the gates of the uncomprehensible all-knowing,

They said, "You my child, are one of a kind."

His words stood so gentle upon my soul,

Caressing every single scar that I have collected,

Healing each and every single one as if it was nothing,

When in truth,

They all hurt and stung,

More than I could have prepared for. 

Yet there he stood, making them go away

As if their plan was never to stay. 

His touch, simple upon the seems,

Yet the most touching one could ever experience 

In this mere human life, made for nothing but the end of it,

He made it all worth it. 

He makes it all worth it. 

I love him. 

If only he knew how much I love him,

How the sleepless nights for him are still worth it,

The panic in my soul when I wonder whether he is safe or Not, 

Done it a thousand times and shall gladly do it a thousand more, only to repeat. 

I adore him. 

He is everything I need.

23.44| 20th February 2022|

Or made of the same dust.

If that was not possible,

Then I stand, firmly convinced,

That upon our creation,

The dust of our souls

Must have fallen together at least once,

Mixing a few if not too many pieces 

Of each other with each other,

Our existences and beings mixing

Into two different ones,

Yet one and the same. 

22.00 | 12th February 2022 |

And we wouldn't stand a chance to continue and exist,

The last thing I'd like to feel

Would be his lips upon mine

As his arms circled my waist,

My ears filled with his sweet words

Made out of nothing but the sweetest honey

Coming from nowhere but his heart,

The last and only thing to remain of this world

Being nothing but our love.

23.37 | 19th February 2022 |

To cry their troubles away,

And they call it lonesome town

Where the broken hearts stay

Too much.

More than I planned.

I love him to the point where it hurts.

23:00 | 17th February 2022 |