My Positive World

And just as one young poz guy to another, I want to tell you that it does get much easier.   I've been positive since I was 17 (I'm 23 now).  I know it can be extremely discouraging at first, but I promise you'll still get to do everything you want to do.

If you ever need anything or have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.

Stay Strong :)

Oh, and thanks for following back.

Anyways, the working title of my thesis (it'll need to be edited) is "A content analytic review of the social constructions of HIV infection in Germany and it's effects on the country's seroprevalence rate." 

-- Basically, among countries that we, the US, tend to compare ourselves to (the UK, France, Australia, Canada) they all tend to have similar rates and trends of HIV infection (Southern Europe - Italy, Spain, Portugal, etc. have similar rates, but very different trends). However, Germany, another country that we would socioeconomically compare ourselves to, has a drastically lower rate and the trends show that it seems to be almost entirely limited to the gay community. So it's my argument that it is because Germany took a very different approach to the epidemic when it hit - one of compassion, understanding, unity, and solidarity - and as a result the disease is not as stigmatized there, that they were able to keep their prevalence rates much lower than comparable countries. 

When the Spark Dies

We rushed into Neverland, Not a care in our hand, We rolled in the sand, Nothing too grand.

The spark ignites a dazzling flame, It crackled and sizzled and dried all the rain. A year passed with sheets so warm, And dawns are greeted with your beautiful smile.

Then dawns turned to dusk, A year passed with sheets so cold, It flickered and froze and hearts withdrew to caves of frost. The spark has died. The flame just froze.

And now we make a choice, To live the life of solid stones, Or melt the frost with stranger torch.

You chose. I chose.

Am a logical being in an illogical world. A romantic heart stained by the sins of the flesh.

Love i found but have wasted, the purity of his touch tainted by my past.

How i long for the past when love is love and lust is but a flavor of love.

Now that lust takes over me and love is shaken from stability.

Oh, i’ve shamed you. Will i ever be as true to you?

Many a scholar has studied your anatomy,

Many an eon have they offered for your vanity,

Yet not a man shall see your face. Oh Love…

For you hide from those who seek you and spook the unsuspecting dove.

.

None of those brilliant minds of all history,

Shall ever know your true identity,

For they have not felt that tingling spark. Oh Love…

Of your teeny weenie tiny fingers that jabs those hearts like Zeus’s shove.

.

Oh… that unexpected love that leaks of honey and morning dew,

The nice surprise of chips on milk chocolate for breakfast brew

It is a trunk of gold and jewels fallen from the sky

A gift of angle wings that makes you wanna fly.

.

What vows one makes in lover's haste shames the vastness of the sea,

The song of promises and praise is sang wherever might he be.

"I offer you monogamy and never ending summer days."

"I'll give you all and everything for that smile on your face."

.

Oh heart take heed of your quick pace.

Run fast and you shall fall and fail the raise.

Run slow and sure to reach the finish

And claim the price. That love you wish.

.

My Dear Special Guy,

There is no poem or song or letter that could fully describe our special time together. In fact, I’ve been staring at this cursor for ages and nothing seems to come up. Well actually I have millions of things to say but could not figure out where to start. Let me do this the simplest way, chronologically.

The moment I saw a glimpse of your golden hair, I felt like thousands of needles were prickling my chest and could not hold my excitement. Your face were surprisingly fresh for someone who had no sleep nor food, and someone who have witnessed filthy snort rockets fired inches away from his shoes. It was divine to see your eyes twinkle as you smiled the first time towards me just before you gave me a huge hug. It was a day I thought would never happen since that day I sent you off after our two day adventure. The joy of seeing you again is beyond words.

From that day on, we’ve been inseparable.  Well, except for the hours you spent in the toilet and me in the kitchen. Oh how I love cooking for you. I love the smile on your face and the kisses you give me every single time I come up with a tray of food. It’s like having an adorable puppy up in my veranda that’d bark ever so sweetly and wiggle his tail every time I come up with food. Sorry for the metaphor, I just can’t describe it better than that. And our sit-smoke-and-chat is the most romantic part of the evening. Or rather the most explicit segment of the show since we’ve became the local soft-core gay show airing every after dark and before noon. The dry humping and gayest kisses ever shown in that simple town. Poor folks. I can only imagine the relief in the mother’s and father’s faces when we left town. How safe they must feel again about their children. But who gives a f*ck about what they feel, we were happy. We’d sit so comfortably legs twisted together in the most awkward way while we light each other’s cigarettes. You’d torture me with your hilarious stories and impersonations. You make me laugh so easily and without a break. No wonder my father had to shut us up every night and remind us about the sleeping neighbors.  

These not stop nightly chats even made my mother question how we seem to never run out of things to talk about. Then she’d occasionally remind her dear daughter that you would leave soon and make me sad. She’d then ask for a grand-daughter, specifically with blond hair and blue eyes just like yours. How lovely to have a mixed race baby girl. Then I’d wake her up from her fantasy and remind her that I’m a man. But we did entertain the idea and bought a pregnancy test to be sure. It was negative. How sad.

Though we can’t really expect that either of us could be pregnant since we both had issues with our Whoo Hooo since day one and only at the last week did I start feeling better down there. Oh I could never forget how creative we were on finding alternatives to do the deed. I would not be surprised if I’d end up with ear infection if my problem down there never went away. We would have definitely tried it.

Everything went well enough, at least not worse than you being quiet and giving me a stern look and a nasty comment and finally scowls a demeaning demand for reassurance once in a while. In my opinion I dealt your occasional grumpiness impressively. You must admit that. Perhaps it was my charming smile and cute firm arse. I was like the beautiful maiden who tames the giant. Metaphor alert!

I will never forget you. Here’s a list of things and people I will always associate with you:

My Veranda

Cooking (Slavery)

Bloody Arse

Alan Rickman

Department store sales ladies and flight stewardess (Silent Hill)

Skinny Dipping at the beach

My mom’s salads

Fish head

Sun blocks

Solitaire and Brandy

All about Ireland

Above all these “sleeping” would remind me of you most because I’ve never slept so easily with another human being aside from you.

Despite all the romance between us I know my bounds. I have accepted from the start that this will not last long. It’s like a shooting star in the starry sky. Like a fleeting beauty that will never last. One can only enjoy these seconds of bliss and accept its impending end. I shall not regret the times we spent together. Although I know that I am not the only guy you call honey or baby. Nor will I entertain the dilution that we are exclusive and there are no other guys you shared the same special moments with. I am not the only guy you send sweet and naughty messages to. I understand the nature of the situation. You did not break my heart, rather, you mended it.

But like anything amazing this had to end. You had to leave. I had to kiss you goodbye. My silence could only convey the million things running through my head. Will I ever see him again? Will he remember me? What relation will we have when he leaves? Will we stay friends? To… Did we leave something important at home? How quiet will it be without him? What will I tell my mom about the grand kid she asks from me? I can write a thousand more questions after this but it will be pointless to be trapped in the past. I had to move on.

You will stay special in my heart forever. I will never forget you. I love you. If not how one loves his partner then how one loves a dear friend.

  Your Friend from across the world,

We all have gone trough the stages of grief. From the day we were told we're dying with HIV... Many things have changed. We lost lovers. We lost our confidence. We lost the joy of life and the drive to go on. But we learned. We were born again. This time with all the love and hope that we have lost since age robbed us of our innocence. Now we are stronger. Now we are happier. Now we appreciate life better. Now we know... We're LIVING with HIV...

For many a day, i have been getting sad tweets from IAMHIVPOSITIVE. He has stopped blogging because of an indecent of his hidden identity being challenged. I have tied to reach out but with no avail. 

Now, i am happy he's writing again and seems to be more spirited. I read the poem he wrote for a lover and was moved and inspired to write this poem about HOPE. This is for him. 

This poem was inspired by IAM and Natalie Grant's "Our Hope Endures" so i write this poem with that same title. 

"Our Hope Endures"

   We have been torn

Since that dark morn

Tattered our souls

Hearts filled of holes

   We were afraid

Our lovers fade

We’re reassured

But unsecured.

   We were consumed

By shame we’re doomed

Yes proud we were

But now a blur

   Death we welcome

Life we shy from

Love we hunger

Torn asunder

   Will we be loved?

Will we be robbed?

Of faith and hope

Forever mope

   But our Hope endures the worst of conditions It's more than our optimism Let the earth quake Our Hope is unchanged

   We find love from deep within us.

We find care from all around us.

We see light after all the dark.

We see joy in all lights we spark.

   We denied it.

We were angry.

We have begged him.

We were lonely.