RADIO PRODUCER: Thank you! We’d like to launch their episode on Wednesday, May 1st, so if there’s a time that works for them next week or so, that would be great. We can be flexible on our end to accommodate the time zone difference between the U.S., tool

ME: Did you just call me a "tool"?

RP: OMG... No! That was supposed to be an exclamation point!

PHOTOGRAPHER/WRITER: Hi Rey! My name is [NAME]. I'm reaching out to request photo credentials for [SHOW] on [DATE]. It would be so much fun to cover [BAND]! I have fond memories of jamming out to [ALBUM] in high school

ME: Hi [NAME]. Thanks for the email. Are you shooting for a media outlet or just adding to your portfolio? Let me know so I can determine the process of requesting credentials. Thanks!

P/W: Was planning on just shooting for fun because I've got 2 maybe 3 shows I'll be reviewing over 4 days, and [BAND] is right at the start of that. Would that be possible?

M: When you say "shooting for fun", does that mean you aren't reviewing the show and just shooting pics for the "fun" of it? We have limited space in the photopit so if you're just shooting for fun, I'll have to prioritize those photographers who are on assignment and then let you know if there is space in the pit. I also won't be able to get you on the guest list, so you'd have to supply your own ticket if I can get you a photopass. TBH, that show's list is packed with photographers on assignment, so I most likely won't be able to get you credentials if you're not planning on publishing the pics. Just a heads up.

P/W: So you're saying that I, a professional photographer, may be denied a ticket and a photopass to a band who I don't even like that much because you have TOO MANY people on your guest list? Sounds more like YOU'RE [sic] problem than mine. You need to cut down the list.

PHOTOGRAPHER: I’m interested in covering the upcoming [BAND] show in [CITY] for the cover of [PUBLICATION NAME]. After shooting shows for 20+ Years for [STRING OF SITES] and others I came out of the pandemic lockdown launched my own outlet while holding down my day job.

I’d like to cover [BAND]’s show as the focal point for our Summer 2024 issue.

ME: Hi, [NAME]. Thanks for reaching out. I did a search on your site and all I came up with was an Instagram account. Does the magazine have a site? I also did a search on your photo credits and found this site [URL] which is wildlife pics. While really artistically well done, I'm just a bit confused. Can you help clear things up? Since that show is nearly sold out, I don't have much room on my list and I need to be careful. Thanks!

P: Hi, Ray [sic]. The magazine will use Insta as a canvas and visual stories will be posted accompanying individual images, meshing photography and words artistically. I think it's the best representation of my visual flair coupled with my words. And yes, after tiring of photographing people, I resorted to capturing wildlife in their native environs. Thank you for the consideration.

M: Hi, [NAME]. So, your magazine will be an Instagram page and you'll be posting in the same manner as, say, my niece, posting pics of her friends and writing a bit about them with hashtags?

P: Well, not as pedestrian as you describe there, but yes.

VIDEOGRAPHER: Hi Rey, I am a freelance videographer. I would like to be able to shoot for my own portfolio as well as provide you with all footage and shoot and any edits I make. Here are some examples of my work. I am always open to constructive criticism and/or suggestions.

ME: Hi there. Unfortunately as the guest list and access to photopit are limited to folks who are on assignment, I will not be able to fulfill your request to augment your personal portfolio. Sorry!

V: Hi, but I have a media assignment.

M: Hi there. With what media outlet? Please let me know and send me the outlet's URL and your assigning editor, and if it all checks out, I can submit a request. Thanks!

V: Hi, I had to sign an NDA so I'm not aloud [sic] to tell you. But it's a big one.

M: Well ok then.

V: So I'm all set?

JOURNALIST: Thanks for the invite. I never quite liked your band, but I'm really excited about [SUPPORT ACT]. Can you put me on the list +1?

W: Your press release says "Please contact your point of purchase regarding ticket refunds." You are my point of purchase, are you not?

EDITOR: Hi Rey. We need to set up that interview with [ARTIST] because our deadline is coming up really soon.  I will make myself available this week whenever she can do it.

ME: Okay great.  Let's lock in Friday at 11:00am ET.  

WRITER: Hey Rey. I can't do an interview with [BAND] this time but what about if we do a "their albums ranked" list as a preview?  Would that work?

ME: Hey [NAME]. Bummer you can't do an interview.  Regarding an "albums ranked" thing, that'd be great but they, uh, only have two records out so far.

W: That's fine.  We can rank those two records.

M: Hmmm... So in effect, their second best record could be considered their absolute worst.  I'm not sure I like that workaround. Pessimistically speaking, though, it's like having two kids and they both are smart but one is slightly more adept at math than the other and you say, "You're such a genius" to one and to the the other, "You're a shit child."  

TEMPORARY CONCIERGE AT MY FRONT DESK: You're like a keyboardist or something, right?

ME: [antisocially] Uh, no... I'm a publicist. Have a good night.

TC: Oh. I'm a DJ and I started a record label, signing R&B and pop artists... none of that rap stuff. That's too hard for me...

M: [tugging at Brianna's leash so we can get out of the front desk area quickly] Ok. Well have a good night...

TC: [continuing] ... and I have this one artist - she's a young girl, you know - and she expects to buy a Lamborghini... I don't even drive a Lamborghini...

M: [tugs harder] Come on, Brianna... let's go...

TC: [continuing] How do I tell her that she's not going to get a Lamborghini?

M: [really tugging] Maybe tell her that straight up that no one makes Lamborghini money anymore in the industry. Bye....

TC: [continuing] I rented out this skating rink for her to perform in... $2500 for the night! No one came except a handful of people. How do I get more people to come? How do I make money?

M: [frustratedly picks up Brianna to carry her instead] It's a lot of work, man... a lot of people. You gotta spend money to make money. There are books on how to do this. Have a good ni......

TC: [interrupts] But how do I make money, man? I am out $2500. I think maybe eight people showed up. You see, I'm friends with Fetty Wap. I do security for him sometimes and he doesn't pay me.

M: You need a contract with him so he pays you. Have a good....

TC: [runs over to open door... then runs around to block me from walking forward] When I talk about contracts, Fetty says, "See you later." What do I do?

M: [moves around him to get to my building] I don't know, man... Tell him you want a contract.  But I'm only a publicist. I can't help you with this stuff.

TC: [insistent] But, man... Did I make a mistake starting a record label?  I thought once you do that, you make money. But I ain't making money. This artist expects to make millions for her. What do I tell her?

M: [starts walking quickly to my building] Perhaps, tell her to lower her expectations and get a therapist? Sorry, man... I gotta get my dog inside. Sorry, gotta go.... [walks briskly to my building]

TC: [in the distance] Good talk, man. You helped me a whole lot. I'll talk to you more when I see you later. I have more questions for you.

WRITER: When is the tour being rescheduled?

ME: With VOVID, we're hopefully looking like a tour by 2021.

W: They're back together again?! That's so great. Is that a double headline?

M: Wait, what?  [BAND] have always been together. They never broke up.

W: No, when Richard Hell died, they broke up. Who is singing for them?

M: The Voidoids?  What are you talking about?

W: Yeah! You mentioned Voidoids.

* MONDAY @ 3:00pm ET

ME: Hey [WRITER], since the interview with [BAND] is at 9:00am ET on Wednesday morning and tomorrow is Election Day and everyone will be distracted, can you send me the ZOOM link for the interview? That way we can get it all sorted?

WRITER: Sure. I'll send it to you.

* MONDAY @ 8:32pm ET

M: Hey, checking in again, can you send me the ZOOM link so we don't have to work on it tomorrow in case we're all distracted by the election?

* TUESDAY @ 10:07am ET

M: Hey, sorry to bother you but can you send me the ZOOM link for the interview? I just want to make sure [BAND] is ready tomorrow morning.

* TUESDAY @ 6:10pm ET

M: Hey, [WRITER]. Management is begging me for the ZOOM link. Can you send it ASAP?

* TUESDAY @ 11:03pm ET

M: Hey, it's really late and I need to send the link. I'll be up for a few more hours, Please send me the link,

* WEDNESDAY @ 5:24am ET

W: Hi Rey. Here is the ZOOM link. I look forward to talking to them. [LINK]

* WEDNESDAY @ 9:05am ET

W: Rey, I'm on Zoom. Where is the band?

* WEDNESDAY @ 9:10am ET

W: Rey, they are late. I don't have all day. Please let me know ASAP.

* WEDNESDAY @ 9:15am ET [alarm clock blares]

M: [checking email on iPhone, finds her email] Hey, I didn't get your email til now. I'll have to see if [BAND] are still available. I waited til 4am and didn't hear from you. Be right back with an answer.

WRITER: Hey Rey. I see that Engelbert Humperdinck is doing a Christmas livestream. Is he doing interviews?

ME: Hey [NAME], I have him doing a few. What's up?

W: I'd love to talk to him about it. Think you can set up a Zoom?

M: Hey, are you writing for anything that this would be appropriate for? Your site is, like, rrrawrr rrawrr rrawrr Death Metal and Norwegian screamy stuff.

W: I think my readers would love it.

M: I dunno, man... That's like putting a puppy in a den of rabid children with razor blade fingers. Not sure if that'd work, to be honest.

W: Okay. Well, my mother is a fan and I wanted to call her into the room while I was doing the interview so she could see who I was talking to. [SNIP... blahblahblah... "favorite son"...blahblahblah "she's old"... blahblahblah... "'Release Me' is her theme song...blahblahblah]. What do you say?.

M: Hahahaha... How about this. I'll send you one of his scented handkerchiefs and a magnet instead. You can tell her the handkerchief was in his backpocket so it touched his butt.

ME: Here's the new bio I wrote... Let me know what you think.

RANDOM PERSON: AXS says you hold the power to issue refunds, yet, we are well beyond the 30 day frame as promised. When will we be getting the refund? Or do we need to cancel y'all too?

ME: Erm, I'm a publicist. I'm not a refund guy. Where is the AXS article you saw my name on and what show are you talking about? Please let me know so I can fix that listing. Thanks!

RP: Found you at the bottom of the main website. Just hitting all bases since AXS wont help us. And you just sound like a snotty shit yourself.

M: Hi there. I kinda have no idea what show you're talking about and I’m trying to help you. So, fill me in, ok?

RP: So very fucking professional of you. Mind you have ZERO idea who you're speaking to. This has been noted.

M: Oh? Please enlighten me.

RP: Correct, Rey. I've been a part of the artist relations and hospitality industry probably longer than you've been alive.

M: Well, then. You should realize that a publicist does not handle refunds. Or perhaps they didn't teach you that in your curriculum? And RE: your fifth attempt at an insult, if that is the case, you are probably pretty damn old because I'm not some spring chicken. If you are honest that have been doing "artist relations and hospitality probably longer than [I've] been alive,' you should have known that calling a peer a "snotty shit" in your reply isn't exactly a prime example of "artist relations and hospitality." Perhaps a refresher course is needed. So, move along and reach out to someone who handles refunds because, as you SHOULD know since you are such a model professional (especially in your language skills... eek! That needs a LOT of work), a publicist does not engage in refunds.

RP: I apologize. I thought you were an intern. Can you help me get a refund please?

WRITER: Hi, I understand you represent [ARTIST]. I'd liked to interview the raper in the band.

ME: Hi there. Thanks for the email. I hope you mean "rapper". There are multiple rappers in the band, but none that I know who are convicted or alleged. Please let me know if that's what you meant. *fingers crossed*