Young Black Single Mom

I’ve been dating for a while but newsflash, I haven’t found the one. I’ve met some characters, studs and duds. I’ve made mistakes when the little lady is in control. Anyway, still working on this dating situation. Maybe I’ll find the one soon.

Valentine's day is lonely. Name a single person that doesn't hate that day. Well I so of course! So what's a girl to do? Troll the intent?! So I did, met a security guard early 30s. He wasn't my type, he was boring as nails. After a round of chats I just disappeared. Learning in my more mature years how not to force things. If it's not a natural fit then no need to try to make it work out. Wish him well, whatever his name is.

It's Friday. I've been out drinking with the office folk, so I decided to head home but found out my baby daddy got my baby and my dogs. So instead of sitting on the subway I decide to sit at a diner and order ribs. Yum! Works for my diet.

The match game wasn't for me. Then I randomly recalled a site that a friend told me about. Something about fish ;). I joined and instantly got. a bunch of hits. Wow! What a difference!! But here's the thing...the caliber of men on this site was not good. This will make me sound snobby but my filter process was quite strict which led to few possibilities: obviously his picture had to catch my eye. 1) Now, if he was shirtless in any of his other pictures, he was eliminated. The thought was that he is looking for sex. 2) if he had shades on in any of his pictures, I said no! He's not trustworthy. 3) if he had a woman in his pic, and he didn't indicate that it was his sister or daughter, I assumed it is his ex. Nope not acceptable. 4) last but not least, if he had a very basic blue collar job then I felt like we couldn't relate. I just want to say this, I'm ok with the guy who is an ambitious with his blue collar career-- head plumber / specializes in something in construction but if I didn't get that inclination then I said no thanks. It's real I have to be honest with myself on the things that I am willing accept at this point in my life. So, with that said I started to fish. The first guy I met, I liked him virtually. He was smart on paper - masters degree. A professional, and seemed to have good conversation. We emailed for days then took it to text messages. He was witty, and I liked that...but I started to get bored, so I invited him out for a drink. He gleefully agreed and promised to get back to me with a date and then he disappeared. Ah the struggle.

Yup

I am paralyzed when it comes to writing my profile. I just don't know what it is but I can't find the words to describe myself in a catchy way. There's got to be a service for this other than the ehow article that gives you 7 tips for writing an unbeatable profile! With trepidation, I finally wrote my profile, found a few pre and post pregnancy pics, and I joined the online dating movement. Now, I know my shortcomings and online dating seemed to highlighted them. I am bad at returning messages...I also don't like having message notifications which thereby requires me to go and manually check if someone has been trying to reach me, and my time and attention is very limited so I often forget to check in a timely manner. When I signed up for the match game I thought it would be a chance to spread my wings and date a variety of guys who were very different from my exes. The microcosm of various races on the site intrigued me. But after each click, it was like I was staring at these picture perfect men who wore button down shirts, polo shirts on the weekend, and had several pairs of boat shoes. Each click made me feel like I didn't fit. I felt like I had too much edge. I was too black to suit this demographic. And while I have the most diverse group of friends, I have always wondered why there wasn't more interracial dating? My conclusion for most was that many of these guys are sexually attracted to black women for our bigger body shapes (boobs and asses), but in most cases not a serious contender for marriage and children. I read a number of profiles that said white women only or white, Asian, and Latino women...so I felt excluded at the jump. And then, not to mention, I have a baby now and single mamas probably aren't very appealing in comparison to my young sexy competition. Anyway, I checked myself. I'm like T, snap out of this nonsense. It's 2014, we are all progressive. Start clicking those pics. Your future awaits you! While trolling the site I saw some beautiful white, Asian, Indian and Spanish boys and in the wee hours of the morning I was confident enough to send a wink and in some remote and irresistible cases, I even wrote a custom message. Yet 99.99999% of the time I didn't get a response. The other .00001%of the time well...I got a response but once I told him that I had an infant, she was nearly a year old at the time. After my thoughtful response I never heard from him again. So, I threw in the towel after a few short months of the mainstream scene resolving that it wasn't the right fit for me.

Dating life was quiet over the next several months. I didn't look nor did I feel like the girl in my 20s that could and did go out and met a few guys that would try to talk to me. After realizing that the dating game has changed I decided why not try online. But this new frontier revealed a new layer of human shallowness that I wasn't ready for. The online dating behavior consists of trolling pictures and reading 1-2 lines about a person then deciding if they're worth your time. Arguably, you could say that picking someone up at a bar is the same thing...and on some levels I would agree. But online dating is different. It's shallow. In person you can exhibit your personality. You can do or say something that has some appeal. The online scene is a bunch of people that either over share or under share to the point of annoying mystery. People pretend to be someone they're not. And until you meet you are just a message, an icon, a wink but not a REAL person. So this is life now and I'm trying to evolve to keep up. My friend Carolina convinced me to join the big sites...match/ok Cupid. But it was a scary thing. I didn't have the same level of self confidence that I had when I was at my peak. I was (am) carrying more weight and to complicate matters I was not free and single anymore. I have a baby, a baby daddy, who says he's not with me but sleeps over at every opportunity, and now I live with my mom. I feel like I'm a pick ;o/

At the very end of my relationship I started chatting with a former co-worker whom we'll name "Jerry". Jerry and I had crossed paths for a nearly two years and had never had a full on conversation. So, when he sent me a friend request on Facebook...I thought it was strange but I didn't think much of it, since we 'did' know each other. Then he reached out and started to chat with me. He told me he was having trouble with his wife. And so I would listen and try to lend some neutral advice. My point would always be the same. Try to work it out for your child (ha, I couldn't even take my own advice). And so I thought that I was doing something good until I noticed that he was making advances. I said no in all kinds of ways...and still he didn't get it. I then decided to stop chatting with him. Months go by without a peep and then it was Christmas week and he pops back up. "Hi, how are you type thing". Launches into I told my wife about you and she wants to meet you. I immediately ask, why? There was nothing between us. So he tells me he moved out and she just wants to meet me. I thought about it for a while and said why not. Let me put this woman's fears at bay and reassure her that there's nothing going on between her husband and I. And so the texting begins. I remember it like it was yesterday. She texted me from his number. She told me that he told her about "us". And I instantly replied there is no "us". Then she tells me that she thinks I'm perfect for him, and she would like a piece of me too. She says that she loves black women and so does he. So wait have I become your negro fantasy? Then she asks me what bra and panty size I wear and I tell her medium. Now truth be told I entertained this for two reasons...I've fantasized about women before and I was (and still am) in terrible need of affection an intimacy so this was as close as I got post baby. So then she starts sending me pics of herself in the supposed bra and panty that she's bought me which is absolutely disgusting. And starts harassing me via text. I sent the two of them a very stern text and told them to fuck off. Deleted their number and moved on. I later found out that it was all a ploy to have a threesome. As flattering as it is to be considered they're married and I don't want to mess with their union. You know, karma. Yah karma.

Here I am, 33 year, MBA, decent job, stats that are pretty good on paper. But there's a few more things...I ended a 5 year relationship (note: we never married), and now I'm a single mom with a 14 month old as my new companion. To add to that, I was a social butterfly who was willing to hang out, take a weekend trip, or just do something unexpected. Now, that's all changed. I have a little girl that I adore and is now my priority above all else. Oh yeah and one more thing, after my ex and I split, my mom graciously came to help me. She moved in and took on the role of caretaker while I work long hours and travel to far off places like the Midwest. In isolation, this just seems like someone you know, read about, or something similar but this is my life, and now I am sharing it with you as I look for my life partner.