HIS daughterâs rebellion
Monday. Start of the week. The day started not-so-okay. Then, it turned bad. Soon, it became worse. And eventually, Â ended worst by the time I got on my bed that Monday night.
I couldnât understand why. I just delivered a message to a church filled with young people the day prior. I couldnât figure out the cause of my despondency. I couldnât understand anything that I was going through. All I knew, was that I was sad. I was really sad. I felt lonely. My body was shaking and I just cried until I fell asleep. It wasnât my first time, by the way. However, what happened that night was just weird.
During that dark moment, I called on to God many times and ask Him to save me. I thought it was because I sounded boastful on my response (SMS) Â to one of my new friends in church. It wasnât! I called on to Him many times. I sent a message to two people that same night. First, was my small group leader. Then I sent a message to that new friend that says âHelpâ âPlease pray for me.â I waited for their responses but I found no strength to go on. So, I put my phone in Airplane mode. I only saw their responses the next day.
The next day, I thought itâs going to be okay the moment I woke up. Well, I was. But only a bit better. The pain was still there but I thanked my leader and asked for forgiveness and also to that good friend of mine whom I sent the message âHelp.â At work, it was a bit difficult but it didnât feel as heavy as the previous day. Tuesday brought me some parts of the Truth. God impressed in my heart that I had to go through it. My first reaction was âWhy?!â [Yes, with an exclamation point]. Then He reminded me of why He allowed certain things in the past to happen to me such as being an alcoholic and getting in a relationship with and having romantic feelings for women. They didnât make sense while I was in those situations. But, He revealed them to me months and years after. He was going to use me to minister to people who faced and facing the same situation as mine. The Lord taught me I can never understand them if I didnât go through it myself.
It wasnât God who cursed me and caused my trials in the past. Not then, not now, not ever. But because of my disobedience, Godâs protecting hands were lifted and so the enemyâs control and power took over my life. I was actually the one who gave the demons the legal access to my life and soul. But just like how God overturned Josephâs situations, He used my darkest moments for His glory. I didnât just experience His miracles, He used and still uses me as a miracle to others.
So, why was I depressed last Monday and most of the days of that week?
Yes, it didnât just happen last Monday. It was repeated on Wednesday and felt more painful on a Friday night. Everything was blurry. Nothing was making sense. At first. But my God is merciful and He hears the cry of His children. He didnât make the pain disappear, that easily. And I thank Him for that because if He did, I wonât appreciate His love as much as I do now!
As I have mentioned, I let the enemy took control.
Did I audibly say to the devil take over? NO.
Did I perform witchcraft and talked to the devil? NO.
Did I commit sexual sin? NO.
Did I curse anyone? I donât remember doing so that week (haha), NEVER.
Did I stop believing in Jesus? A big, fat NO!
I didnât go to some public places or to my local church and announced there my rebellion against God. Â
I disobeyed Him. And disobedience is rebellion.
Most Christians know that Obedience is better than sacrifice. (1 Samuel 15:22)
Okay let me explain, but first let me tell you, I didnât stop reading the Bible, I didnât stop learning about Jesus. I offered and tithed. I listened to preachings. I shared the Gospel. In short, I was a functioning member of the church. And God mercifully allowed me to do so. But there were struggles that I couldnât shake. Sleepless nights, constant worrying of problems and even things that werenât real (they were just in my head!), crying (sometimes without any reasons), sudden change of emotions (some might have called me bipolar, but Iâm not according to my former psychiatrist), sudden thoughts of hurting someone, and suicidal thoughts haunted me strongly last week. I messaged a few people and talked to two sisters in Christ about my deep depression. They were big help. They were blessings to me. However, the pain was still there. It weakens when I focus on Jesus or when I recognize on His goodness. I also felt better in those days when I prayed to Him and sought the counsel of other believers. But, I wasnât unshackled yet.
If I claim to have obeyed the Father, how come I was in rebellion? How was I rebelling against Him? How did I know what caused my depression?
âI disobeyed Him. I was rebelling against God for more than two months!â
When I met one of my small group leaders (I have more than one leader from different church satellites), I knew from the first time we talked that she had an issue that needs to be addressed because she shared it with me. Well, she confessed it to me. I remembered feeling bothered about it. But I didnât remember if the Holy Spirit was telling me something about it. Why I couldnât remember? Believe it or not, I chose to forget about it. How callous my heart is! I didnât listen to Godâs warning. I chose to delay in telling my leader about what God has been impressing in my heart. Why? Because that issue is a sin. She confessed it to me and she told me that she already told her leader. But our pastor doesnât have any idea about it. And what God was impressing in my heart was, someone needs to tell her to do the right thing. She needs to confess it to our pastor. But more than that, she needs to expose her sin, which is hidden in the dark, to the light. God impressed in my heart many times that sins hidden in the dark will be used against the person unless he/she exposes it to the light. Thus, giving the enemy no power to use those hidden sins against the person.
Why didnât I do it? Because I didnât care about her? Because I thought it was her decision to make? Because I didnât have anything to do with her life and decisions? No, no and no.
It was because I believed I know whatâs good for her. WHO AM I?! (When I think about it, I really feel embarrassed and stupid!) I thought itâs better not to tell her when Iâm with her or when weâre in the church and having a gathering. MY DISOBEDIENCE WAS AN INDICATION THAT I WAS THINKING HIGHLY OF MYSELF, THAT I KNEW WHAT WAS BETTER FOR MY LEADER. Worst is, it meant I KNEW BETTER than God. The one True God who gave me wisdom. The very God I want to exalt in my life. The God I call my Father. The God who created the heavens and the earth. The great I AM.
The moment God told me how I was becoming a rebel to him, I became emotional. I was at work and it was yesterday, February 20th, Tuesday. I was reading the book by John Bevere entitled UNDERCOVER when God started telling and showing me my acts of defiance. I was so ashamed. I felt like I was standing in front of a crowd naked. And seriously, I could vividly see myself naked in front of a lot of people and being made fun of before and after I read the book. I donât know why but it all made sense after the Lord gently rebuked me and saved me from further self-destruction. I was guilty. I was seeking retribution for the sins Iâve committed but God the Father is a merciful Father. He loves perfectly and unconditionally. I was a rebel and He embraced me when I called to Him and asked for His forgiveness. Admitting to HIm of all my faults and lawlessness, He ran to me and hugged me while I was still dirty.
Let me end this with Pastor John Bevereâs clarificationâŚ
AN IMPORTANT CLARIFICATION
Please understand this point: every time a person faces difficulty, sickness, problems, or hardships, disobedience is not necessarily the cause. Many suffer while living obedient lives.
...Their hardships may be trials from which God will receive glory. (pages 82-83)
From Sec. 2, Chapter 7 of UNDERCOVER by John Bevere
