Conversations With My Kids

Jack (age 11): You remember when you were back in high school and there were those annoying, jock football players?

Me: I went to an all-girl high school; we didn't have a football team.

Jack: Well, that's because you were born in the 1800s, Mother!

Jack (age 10): I'm not sure what Owen did to my hair.

Me: Uh, it's called brushing it.

A text conversation with my husband...

Me: The handle broke off the mop. :( now we'll have to get a new one... when we get the money. grrr

Him: How did u break it

Me: I was just mopping and it cracked then broke off.

Him: Well macgyver it

Me: Well maybe if we had duct tape. But we don't

Him: Paper clip and a straw is all u need

Me: I think even macgyver would need more than that.

Him: No that is all he would need

Me: Well then we need to have macgyver come fix it. That's something I could really get behind. :P

Him: U get your mind out of the gutter he is old enough to be your father

Jack (age 9): *crying about having to do his reading*

Me: Have you finished reading that chart from your planets book?

Jack: *crying harder* But I only have to read for ten minutes.

Me: So?

Jack: Well, I'll just read longer if I read that.

Me: ???

Meagan (age 19): Can you watch the baby so I can go to a New Year's Eve Party?

Me: I guess. I'll have to make some more coffee to get through the night, though.

Meagan: Oh, he'll be sleeping soon--it'll be fine.

Arrow (age 7 months): [at 1am] Sucker! Hahahahaha!

Yesterday...

Brenna (age 15): I totally just tripped going up the stairs.

Today...

Brenna: How come you get to use the nice bowls and I can't?

Nora (age 3): (to the Christmas Tree) Would you like to dance, tree?

Me: Who said you could have popcorn?

Introducing the newest member of the family. He’s not talking yet, but I’m sure he’ll provide hours of entertainment and sick burns when he does start.

Owen (age 17): I thought you were just putting in a load of laundry?

Meagan (age 18): *holding newborn baby clothes* I am. But look how teeny-tiny this is.

Owen: Look how many shits I give!

Owen's friend: *laughing hysterically*

Brenna (age 16): Can I request to be hit by a bus?

Me: Sounds extreme. I could push you down the stairs.

Brenna (age 15): This is Ember. Ember this is my mom and that's my little brother, Jack. We don't talk to him.

Jack (age 8): *singing* Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Brenna (age 15): I'm turning into you--I have to do all the cleaning.

Me: Well, I'm turning into you because I'm thinking about taking a nap.

Brenna: Oh, no, it's Freaky Friday!

Me: But it's only Thursday.

(after spending about three hours making/grilling dinner for my kids and their friends for the 4th of July)

Kids: Thanks for dinner. It's really great.

Me: And guess who gets to clean up.

Kids: Us!

Me: Exactly.

Brenna (age 15): *trying to get Siri to say the name of our town* Siri, where does Meagan live?

Siri: I'm sorry, do you mean Stupid Hoe?

Brenna: *runs from the room in hysterics*