Figuring out life at 49

I never knew what love was

Until the day that I met you

Those butterflies fluttering inside

I never knew to be true

 I never knew what love was

Regret is all that I had felt

Trapped in a cage became the norm

I thought this was the hand I’d been dealt

 I never knew what love was

Until you treated me like a queen

The tender sparkle in your eye

Was something I had never seen

 I never knew what love was

And then you saved me from myself

You made me realize that I deserved more

And there would never be anyone else

 I never knew what love was

Then you asked me to be your wife

You said that we would conquer the world

History class and popcorn reading

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name

Testing each syllable and consonant

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name

Descendants, Denver, Distribution

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name

Constitution, Calamity, Charismatic

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name

Holding my breath, just two more pages

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name

Maybe a nurse or bathroom visit

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name

Sweaty palms with wringing fingers

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name

Three days a week she would find refuge

Bay Breeze, Kaluah and milk, a rare cigarette

No mixing of hues or paint thinners

No droning of machines

 Early dinners, or those that could be heated

Money for the snack shack at the park

Dad’s famous quesadillas or sandwiches

She always made sure we were taken care of first

 And while she thought the refuge was hers

It was really mine

No worries of arguments about lit cigarettes by the bed

About how many beers or yelling at the TV

About falling asleep in the recliner with loud snores

 But the quiet came with a price

Dragging him from the recliner to his bed

Putting out the lit cigarette

Disposal of the beer cans so that they couldn’t be counted

Waiting another 48 hours to do it all over again

As a child, it never occurred to me that we would be apart

This empty, hollow feeling running deep within my heart

Is all that I’m left with now that you have been whisked away

to finish a life cut short. And with every passing day

I wonder if I told you all that I needed to say.

 How could any of us have known that you would leave so soon?

The words a melody in my head, or more like a haunting tune

That repeats over and over again. It’s one I try to erase

But it just rushes and floods and fills the space

With demons that find pleasure in this continual chase.

 How much I loved you with all your faults that I blamed on all but you.

Blinded by a daughter’s love, I didn’t see that through

The drinks and cigarettes there was pain in the silent room.

A memory of a happy life that in the air would loom

If decisions that she had made would end in utter doom.

 And neither her nor I would know that none of it would matter

As we sat together in a quiet room with only the pitter patter

Of nurses’ feet running back and forth with methodical painted smiles

Trying to ease our pain as we drifted miles and miles

Away to happier times being kept like secret files.

 I realize now that I was being trained for a life without you near

How I wish that for a moment you could bend an ear

And listen to my anxious voice and true uncertainty.

With a nod and a sweet smile that you left for me to see

So this was my short text conversation with my husband just a few minutes ago: