Fucked up and ruthless

Hey hi hello, long time no see.

Life’s been treating me pretty horribly this year and I’m sick of bottling things up.....

So, I’ll probably post all my word vomit on here, hope y'all don't mind.

Here’s to all the people that made fun of me in high school that are now all coming out of the wood work to ‘get to know me.’

Here’s to all the nights I felt so alone and not good enough.

It’s dark outside, the air is chilly... You get that unsettling feeling that sets you off. The feeling of the wind at your back and it shoots a sort of panic down your spine. It’s like you're in a scary movie and it feels like someone is always behind you. Only you go to turn around and you’re greeted with thoughts of confusion because no one is actually behind you....

That’s how I feel everyday of my fucking life.

Something as simple as a shower to clean yourself, to recuperate from the long day you just had always seems to be the most difficult part of my day. I always end up being curled up, hugging myself trying to make this intense rush of anxiety go away. I feel so alone, all of the time. Its nothing new to me, but this year has really showed me that my mental health is taking over my life.

I’m so sick of feeling less than in any situation. Sure, it’s just a ‘state of mind’ and I can just change my routine and create a more positive outlook on my life. But the truth is, everyone is programmed so differently. The simplest things set me in a constant rush of overthinking. I post a lot of myself on the internet, so I’m sure a lot of people think think I'm this conceited brat looking for attention. But honestly i’m as insecure as they come. I constantly put myself down and its taking a toll on me.

I just wish someone could understand how i feel. I want someone to know how much empathy I have for people. I want to show someone how it feels to be loved unconditionally, but more importantly it’d be nice to receive that feeling in return.