My GettingLost Blog

Since tonight is suppose to be like a hurricane, might as drink one - grab a large ass glass and add .25 oz of the following: light rum, gin, vodka, tequila, and blue curacaco liqueur.  Then add a little cherry brandy, 3 oz sweet and sour mix, and 3 oz orange juice.  Add ice. Stir. Serve. Drink. On with the recap. 

  Previously on BB – if you have read any of my recent blogs, then you know I don’t do previous.  Moving on.

  Picking up after the noms, Jillian in the DR said that there was no way she was going to nominate Emmett.  Talla in the DR said that she feels safe as she has a final 3 deal with Emmett. Gary in the DR said that he feels safe as he has a final 3 deal with Emmett.  Back to the Jillian DR – she wants to take Talla to the final 3 and Emmett wants to take Gary.  Later in the hot tub, Emmett lets it slip that he has a final 3 deal with Talla.  Rut Ro. Jillian calls him out on it and claims that he never told her that.  He claims that he did.  She is not buying it and starts to realize that Emmett is in it to win for him self.  Ummm…DUH!!!  In case no one explained the rules to you Jillian, there is only one winner. 

  Final four POV!!!  But, before we get to it, we have to hear how important this POV is…FROM EVERYONE!!!  ENOUGH.  Moving on. On a chalk board, there are three equations in the form of events from the season (Day Alec won POV plus number of POVs Tom won = Answer, which is 26)  Once they solve the equations, the HGs run into the yard and find a money bags that has the number answer on it.  Solve all three equations, find all three money bags, open the money bags, use the numbers in the money bags to open a safe, first one to open the safe, wins POV.  Simple, right?  Nope.  This POV involves high-end math.  Of course, Talla sucks at math, so there in no point in even recapping what she did.  As for Emmett and Jillian, these brain trust brilliant people got stuck on the second equation where they were not able to tell the difference between a plus sign and a minus sign.  If Gary or Talla had brain one, they could have easily won this POV.  But nooooooooo.  Emmett finally figures out what he is doing wrong, screams it out, “IT’S A MINUS SIGN” which Jillian hears and realizes her mistake.  Emmett, who is able to do high-end math (60 -11 = 39), figures out the answer and moves on.  Jillian, who is a schoolteacher and apparently not able to do high-end math, gets the wrong answer - 38.  Fast forward, Emmett wins POV…on another comp that he probably should be DQed for yelling out what to do on the second equation. 

  After the POV, Gary, who thinks he is safe, pulls a fake cry in front of Talla in an attempt to gain sympathy from Talla to secure a jury vote.  Gary leaves and finds Emmett to obtain reassurance that he is going to the final three.  Emmett, from the DR, says that he believes that it would be better for his game to take Gary to the final three.  You mean you can’t take Talla because you let that cat out of the bag way to early to Jillian.  Dumbass.  Meanwhile, Talla and Jillian are in the kitchen where Talla is talking about the going to the final three.  Jillian, from the DR, says that she did not want to reassure Talla as she knows that Emmett wants to take Gary to the final three.  Interesting…I guess we missed a conversation between Emmett and Jillian.

  About an hour before the POV ceremony, Emmett, thinking it would be a good game move, tells Talla that he is keeping Gary.  Of course, Talla is pissed. And then…the light bulb click on for Jillian.  From the DR, she claims that Emmett would not allow her to talk to Andrew to let him know that he was leaving, but he is allowed to talk to Talla before the POV ceremony?  Jillian sums it up pretty well from the DR: Jerk move.  Welcome to the game Jillian. Not to miss an opportunity to secure a vote, Jillian talks to Talla.  After Jillian leaves, Gary cries with Talla.  Not to be outdone and knowing that Talla is a huge Dan fan, Emmett gives Talla a bracelet that Dan gave him.  What a douche bag.  Playing to win, no doubt, but douche bag none the less.

  Side note: BB Canada, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE change the rules next year to where the HGs are not allowed to discuss and/or tell who they are going to nominate and/or evict.  It really sucks that we know ON THE SHOW what is going to happen before it happens ON THE SHOW.  Or, maybe we need better editing.  Either way, thank you.

  POV ceremony.  Speech from Emmett.  Who cares.  He does not use the POV.  We are all shocked – not - as he already told everyone that he is not going to use it.  Straight into the eviction.  Talla speech, crying: Gary, blah blah, blah; Jillian, blah, blah, blah; Emmett, I already know what you are going to do and I will never forget it.  Gary speech: who cares.  Emmett, after giving another speech, votes to evict Talla.  Again, we are all shocked – not – as he already told everyone that he was voting out Talla.  Then we get more crying from Talla and Gary. 

  Of course, we get the horrible interview of Talla from Arisa.  Talla implies that she “played stupid” and Arisa says that Talla is a diabolical genius.  Ummm…no.  There is no way that she “played” that stupid without being that stupid.  Just. Not. Possible. 

Tonight’s drink is a bit of an odd one, but still really good.  Like I would drink anything that wasn’t good.  It’s called Blueberry Tea.  Grab a brandy snifter and add 1 oz Amaretto Almond Liqueur and 1 oz Grand Marnier Orange Liqueur.  Mix. Add Orange Pekoe Tea to taste.  Yum. Yum.  Enjoy.  On with the recap.

  Quick programming note: If you did not read Ann’s comments to my last recap on BN, you really need to go read it.  Best comments on this BB season EVER!!!  Back to our regularly scheduled program.

  Previously on BB: Okay, by now, you know how much I hate this “previously” crap, especially if it involves a jackass.  Fast forward button please.

  Dear BB Gods: I beg of you.  I plead with you.  Please. Please, do not let this be a “memories” episode.  Please. Thank you.

  Picking up where we left off, the continuance of the HOH comp.  First, we get the typical DRs of, “I have to win this HOH.”  Yes, it would be nice to HOH, but the true power, the power that everyone should want this week, is with the POV.  Fast forward, Jillian wins HOH.  Yee-Freaking-Haw.  We are all sooooo excited.  Her fourth HOH.  Oh. My. God.  Okay, not really.

  But, I will give credit where credit is due.  Jillian and Talla are talking about the HOH and Jillian says that the real power is with this week’s POV.   Okay, I will admit it, I am actually amazed that Jillian figured this out.  On the other hand, Talla plays stupid, or claims in her DR that she is playing stupid, and acts like she did not realize that the winner of the POV controls the game.  In the DR, she claims she fully understands how the final four works.  Hmmm…have we been falling for this stupid shit all season? And at the very end, she breaks out her brain and wins Big Brother? I don’t think so either, but they would truly be the best twist of the season if it did happen.  Team Talla.  

  Next we get Emmett talking about how great he is in this game and that they should have evicted him a long time ago. Skip.

  Nope. Not doing it.  Who want to see my HOH room?  I hate it. I hate it. I hate. Not. Doing. It. Moving on.

  DRs from Jillian.  Jillian claims that if her and Emmett make it to the final two, they will be the first showmance to do so.  Emmett deserves to be in the final two.  The other two don’t even deserve $20,000.  I think I need to throw up. 

  Gary wants to win because no one else like him has really been on TV – a six-foot tall black gay man.  Ummm…RuPaul anyone? Talla wants to win for him mom.  How sweet.  I must have fallen asleep during this segment as I missed Emmett’s reason.  My guess is he wants to win for his cows. Moo y’all.  Eh?

  OH. HELL. NO.  *sigh* It’s the Big Brother Award Show hosted by Gary’s twin, Zoe from the DR.  Okay, I really need to throw up now.  Fine. Whatever. All that begging and pleading for nothing.  Fine. Here we go: The Award Goes To:

  Best intro into the house – Talla going backward down the stairs or Gary making a comment about Daniel’s boobs – Winner: Talla

  Best Costume – Andrew in French Maid outfit or Jillian in her Night of the Dead outfit – Winner: Andrew (Huh? Is the rest of Canada as drunk as I am? Must be)

  Best Freak out – Suzette on Aneal or Talla during the glass house comp – Winner: Talla

  Best Alter Ego – Gary as Zoe or Alec as Ricardo – Winner: Gary as Zoe

  Best Kiss  - Jillian and Emmett under the waterfall or Andrew and AJ during spin the bottle – Winner: Andrew and AJ

  Best Dramatic Cry – Aneal knowing he is getting voted out or Gary going on slop – Winner: Winner: Gary

  Oh thank God.  We are done with that shit.

  After the award ceremony, BB plays a highlight video of the season.  Come on BB, when is this shit going to end?  Please.  After the video, the HGs are talking about the season and Emmett cuts Talla off.  Talla gets upset, which carries over after dinner.  Emmett finally figures out that she is upset.  Emmett, realizing that it would be a good game move, finds Talla and apologizes.  Everything is good with the world once again…and as well with Emmett’s game play. 

  If it wasn’t enough for Emmett and his “game move” and the fact that they have been drinking all night, after dinner, Jillian makes a final two deal with Talla.  In the DR, Jillian laughs at Talla for even thinking that she would even consider taking Talla over Emmett to the final two.  Forget jury management Jillian, (which you will find out about soon enough) you do realize, Jillian, that when the HGs get out the house, Jillian, they are going to watch this? Maybe you do realize this and you are even more cold hearted than I thought.  Nope, I am chalking it up to you being stupid.  And by the way, winning HOHs does not mean that you should win BB. 

  Nomination ceremony.  It really does not matter who goes on the block.  Whoever wins POV control the final three.  Still yet, we get standard DRs about how they don’t want to go on the block.  Whatever.  In a total shock move – not – Jillian nominates Talla and Gary.  Her reasons – who cares. 

  After nominations, we get more standard DRs –  “Watch out Canada, I’m gonna win the POV.”  Again, whatever.  If that was not enough, we get Jillian telling us that she wants to win he POV for her man.  Where’s a barf bag when you need it?

Welcome to big drama night.  Supposedly, all will be revealed tonight as to why the feeds were down ALL weekend and why Emmett is no longer HOH.  Well, the official version anyway.  I still have my conspiracy theory.  Before we get to Big Brother’s version, we have that other issue to discuss.  Yes, my drink of choice for the evening.  Tonight’s adult beverage is dedicated to the new HOH: it is called Glitter and Trash – much like his HOH room.  For this drink, grab a highball glass, fill it with ice, add 1.5 oz gin, add a splash of vodka, and top it off with Sprite.  Be careful, you will start out feeling all beautiful, but this drink will put you in the gutter very quickly.  You have been warned.  Okay, on with the recap.

  Picking up from Thursday night, Emmett is the new HOH and Tom is way too happy about it.  We get the usual plethora of DRs, but the highlight was Liza: she thinks that the only person liked even less in the house than Suzette is AJ (sorry honey, but nope, that would be you and Tom) and she thinks that Emmett is controlling the game and she can’t control Emmett (honey, time to wake up, the wheels are falling off and you are not actually controlling anyone)

  To add further to Liza’s demise, Emmett tells Tom that Liza was planning to take him (Emmett) out.  Tom acts mad, but seeing how he is shacking up Liza, who really knows.  But, let’ play along.  Upon hearing this, Tom is mad.  Tom claims that he is playing a clean game.  He has never lied to Liza.  Come on Tom, really?  Isn’t there that Quarto alliance thing that you never told her about?  And there was also that one time at McDonald’s, where you smeared the McLobster paste all over your…umm…how about we save that for another blog, okay? Thanks.  Point being Tom, yes, you have lied to her.  Stop playing the victim.  You are not good at it.

  Oh hell, it’s the HOH room crap thing.  I hate this segment.  Fine. Whatever. Let me take a drink before we get to it.  Okay. I feel better.  Moving on.  Emmett’s HOH room run down: Chocolate milk from home.  Moo cow.  Photos from home. More cows.  Letter from home.  Boo freaking hoo.  Highlight from letter: Bros and cows sending you lots of moo’s; stay away from the showmance; and remember that there are cameras everywhere.  Synopsis of the letter: the cows miss you and stop having sex on TV.  Emmett’s response: kicks everyone but Jillian out of the HOH room and starts making out with Jillian.  Moo. 

  Filler time.  There is a knock at the door.  A Leprechaun appears along with several other St. Paddy Day cladded individuals.  It’s a St. Patrick’s Day parade!!! Erin Go Bragh Y’all.  After the parade, Topaz loses her brain and tells everyone that everything they saw will probably be questions that they will be asked in the next comp.  Ya think?  Idiot.   

  Finally.  Here we go.  Time for the big time drama that BB promised us.  BB calls everyone into the living room and announces that after reviewing the HOH comp video, there were four HGs that broke the rules of the game by carrying balls in their hands. (Hehehe…balls…hands…yes, I am about 3 years old mentally)  The four rule violators were Talla, Jillian, Alec, and Emmett.  BB decided to throw out the HOH comp and have the HaveNot comp as the new HOH comp.  Emmett is no longer HOH. And to make things worse, the four rule violators are the HaveNots for the week and they cannot compete for the HOH. Geez Big Brother, that’s a little harsh.  I don’t have a problem playing the HOH over and also making them the HNs for the week, but to not let them play…come on BB.  That is a bit much.

  To help us understand what just happen, we have Peter in DR.  From what I could understand, Peter basically said: SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM.

  The HN comp that turned into the HOH comp was called “Forget That” or “Remember That” or was it “To Hell With That”?  Whatever BB decided to call it, it was a St. Patrick’s Theme “true and false” question comp about the St. Patrick’s Day parade that Topaz ruined for herself earlier.  Best part of this comp was that Tom had to dress up as a Leprechaun.  Too funny.  Fast Forward…Gary wins.  Gary is the new HOH.  Not saying that Gary was loud about it, but let’s just say that everyone three Provinces over knew about his victory.  Glitter for everyone. 

  Are you kidding me? Two HOH room reveals in one episode?  Kill me now.  Another letter. More Boo Hoos. More Boas.  A glitter covered stuffed animal.  Moving on.

  What happened next was a shock to us all: Gary grew a brain.  Who knew that he actually had one?  What Gary did was probably the smartest move that I have seen in the house yet: he talked to EVERYONE.  Separately.  One on one.  He asked one simple question: what’s going on in the house?  And everyone told him.  He was able to gain enough information to figure out who the two least liked people are in the house so that he could put them up with the least amount of repercussion upon him. Brilliant.  I am still not a fan, but you are growing on me.  Oy vey.  I need a drink. 

  Next up is where we get to see everyone panicking about not wanting to be put on the block.

  Tom in the DR - he does not think that Gary will put him up.  Tom and Liza in the hammock – he won’t put us up – I saved him last week.  Tom to Emmett – he won’t put us up.  Tom to Alec and Peter: I saved him last week, he won’t put me up.  Tom to the brick wall – he won’t put me up.  (Umm…you put him up last week, Tom.  He would not have had to be saved if you had not put him up.  Do you really think he is not going to come after you?  Dumbass) Also, Big Brother, can you make it a little less obvious as to who is going on the block? You are looking mighty good for a repeat of the Jackass award.

  Time for the Nomination Ceremony.  As Gary was standing alone staring at the photo wall, Gary says that all of the little people in the house are getting bullied.  What? I do believe that Tom took you off the block.  Granted, he put you on the block, but he also took you off.  How is that bulling you? Whatever. As expected, if you have been watching the feeds, Gary nominates Liza and Tom.  His reasons (you will love this): Tom – my target is Liza because she is social.  I will win POV and take you off the block (irony anyone?).  Liza - you are a strong social player.  Umm...what exactly are you, Gary?  With all of this glitter throwing and finger nail painting parties, are you not the social Queen?  Yeah, she is a social dominating force.   Of course, this is followed by the usually DR threats: Liza – I didn’t trust Gary.  He is going down.  Tom – I will kill all you bitches.

  Well, that is all for tonight.  Big Brother promises lots of drama and action this Thursday with the “Live Double Eviction” that is not so “live”. Can’t wait. 

It appears that #BallGate is in full effect as the Big Brother Live Feeds are not so live.  Just like the “Live Eviction” that is not.  Except in this case, the live feeds have been down most of the day and according to Big Brother Canada’s FaceBook page, the feeds will not be back until tomorrow.  Maybe.  Before we get into the who, what and why, it is time for a drink.  Tonight’s beverage of choice is a Tokyo Tea: ½ oz each of the following: Vodka, Rum, Gin, Tequila, and Triple Sec plus with 1 oz of Midori Melon Liqueur.  Combine in a shaker, shake, strain, pour and enjoy.  I know I will. 

  Okay, back to Big Brother Canada.  I am not saying that this is true, but from what I heard, #BallGate is all about Tom.  Apparently, Tom had a “few too many” adult beverages and was being a little loud. The other HGs told him that he had to sleep on the couch.  Of course, this did not sit well with Tom.  He grabbed a bag of Cheetos to help cool his jets and hit the couch.  The next morning, Jillian, Liza and Emmett found Tom passed out on the couch, the bag of Cheetos empty, Tom’s pants undone, and well…a certain “area” was orange.  They woke up the rest of the house so that they all could have a good laugh at Tom.  As you can imagine, Tom and his infamous douche bag temper flared.  He punched Emmett, who fell to the floor like a little girl.  He looked at Gary who went running off throwing blue warrior glitter in the air.  He kicked AJ in the balls, who doubled over and stated mumbling, “AJ’s family jewels, not cool to kick AJ’s family jewels.” Talla heard “family jewels” and went into lap dance mode.  Topaz and Alec were nowhere to be found.  Hmmm… Peter started postulating.  Andrew started screaming.  Suzette was yelling something about being a mom.  The room became thick with blue glitter dust. Orange particles were flying off Tom. Everyone started scream or crying.  Alec and Topaz could be heard.  Tom completely lost it and in a full out sprint, ran right into a wall. Knocked his ass completely out.  And then, the feeds went dark.  Our last image was of Tom, knocked out on the floor with an orange…you know what.  Chaos does not even come close.

  Okay, not really.  Rumor has it that Big Brother is checking the playback from the HOH comp to see who cheated.  If they find that Emmett and other guests cheated, then they will probably have a new HOH comp.  Yes, I know. Boring.  But at least we have some Tokyo Tea.  Until the feeds come back, enjoy.

UPDATE   UPDATE   UPDATE

Honey Boo Boo Child Disclaimer:  In an attempt to help people understand something that they have not experience, I try to relate it to something that they have experienced.  For example:  if you have never had fried frog legs, I will tell you that they taste like fried chicken legs.  See how that works?  Okay, for Honey Boo Boo, finding that experience was a little bit more difficult.  After several shots of Johnny Red and many hours of thinking about it in the “library”, it finally came to me.  I figured out how to relate this show to you. Warning: this is not for the faint of heart and those with a weak constitution.  If you have a faint heart or a weak constitution, stop now.  Do not read any further.  You have been warned.  What is this show like?  You remember that one time (for some of you, a hell of a lot more than just one time) when you were not able to take a shit?  Two days later and you still have not been able to take a shit?  After you have had enough, you break out that home remedy of rhubarb pie and overcooked corn on the cob to help loosen up your intestines, which in turn causes you to take off running to the bathroom?  You make it to the restroom and you quickly discover that the fact that you have not taken a shit in the last two days is about to bite you in the ass.  This is where the “feeling” starts.  As you are sitting on the toilet, trying to push the shit out, you realize that the shit you are about to shit is a monster-sized shit.  Do you remember that feeling?    To get it out, you have to grunt loudly and really push hard.  As it starts to come out, you realize that this is really going to hurt.  Not wanting to keep this monster thing inside of you, you start pushing.  Grunting.  Grunting so loudly that the neighbors can hear you.  The pain.  It is intense.  More pushing. More grunting. More pain.  That feeling right there - do you remember that feeling? Well, that is what it is like to watch this show.   On with the recap.

The players:

Alana – 6 years old – Honey Boo Boo Child – Pageant queen super star

Lauryn – 12 years old  - Pumpkin – sister

Jessica – 15 years old – Chubbs or Chubbette – sister – Alana’s BFF

Anna – 17 years old – Chickadee – sister – she is pregnant

June – 32 years old – Mama

Mike – 40 years old - Sugar Bear – Works 7 days a week (not sure I can’t blame him)

In case there is any confusion, from Mama: “Sugar Bear is my babies daddy”

Apparently, TLC is in the business to make money.  Who knew?  There use to be full episodes that you could watch for free on TLC’s website.  Those are gone.  Where did they go?  To iTunes.  At $2.99 an episode.  I have to pay to watch this shit now? Isn’t it bad enough that it kills off brain cells?  Apparently not.  Greedy bastards. 

The intro consists of introducing the family, explaining that they have a very big and important pageant coming up at the end of the summer, and that this is still summer and they need to find time for some fun.  Then, at the end of the intro, they all gather for what appears to be a family portrait…and then Mama farts.  For all of those that forced me into this recap, may Mama fart on you.

This episode starts at 11:03 am with Mama waking up all of the girls. She says that since it is summer, sometimes they sleep until 2:00 pm.  The phone rings and Mama yells that “somebody booty callin’.” After rousting all of the girls out of bed, we learn that they only have one bathroom.  Four girls, one Mama, one Sugar Bear, and one bathroom.  So, they do what I would imagine any normal family would do: wash their hair in the kitchen sink.  Not even kidding. I am talking about a full on hair washing with shampoo.  Right next to the dirty dishes.  Holy shit.  If you are ever invited over to their house, unless you see the food come directly out the can and on to your plate, don’t eat it.  You have been warned.

As she is applying 5 pounds of makeup to Alana – yes, she is just 6 years old – Mama explains that to get ready for the big pageant at the end of the summer, this Sunday Alana will be participating in an all-natural beauty pageant.  Hang on, what? A natural beauty pageant?  Isn’t that one were you don’t wear makeup?  Then why in the hell are you caking it on Alana?  Whatever.

A little background.  Alana has won a couple of pageants.  She has placed second or third in several. But, she has never won a grand supreme title.  What is a grand supreme title?  Why in the hell are you asking me?  I don’t have a freaking clue.

After putting on 37 pounds of makeup, Mama and Alana work on attitude.  Apparently, at kid pageants, the more attitude you have, the better.  They work on the three-finger “Z” formation finger snap until Alana gets it perfect.  Can’t wait to see how this plays out at the all-natural pageant. 

Oh hell no.  No. No. No.  <Sigh> They are going to the redneck games.  What really makes this outing even better is Chickadee.  She is the one that is very close to popping out a child.  For some non-apparent reason, she has decided that it is appropriate to wear her shirt above belly.  Basically, turning it into a halter-top.  I have no words.  None.  On top of this, they actually make fun of some of the other “rednecks” and what they are wearing.  As Mama says, all that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous.  Anyway, on with the redneck games.  The first game is bobbing for pig feet.  Nope.  Not kidding. Not even close to kidding.  And yes, they are real pig feet.  Yes, this is disgusting.  Yes, I have to stop here, as I need to go throw up.  Nasty.  Mama thinks that Pumpkin will do “pretty good” as she is competitive.  As much as I want to, I am not going to keep you in suspense.  Pumpkin does not win.  In fact, she doesn’t do very well at all.  In her “heat,” she got 2 pig feet.  The winner got 5 and the runner up got 4.  There were only three competing.  Still yet, she did her family proud. 

To take a break before the next game, the girls wanted to cool off in the river.  Mama refused to allow them to get into the river due to an outbreak of a potential flesh-eating bacteria.  Yeah, but washing your hair in the kitchen sink next to the dirty dishes is perfectly okay.

The next game is mud pit belly flop.  Okay, now this is a game that I can see rednecks doing.  Alana has decided that she wants to participate in this game with her sister Chubbs.  Mud. Belly flop. Chubbs.  Really? <shakes head>  Anyway, after a couple of…ummm…belly heavy?...long bearded rednecks with female rednecks that should not be wearing bikinis belly flop into the mud pit, it is Alana’s and Chubbs’ (or as Mama calls her – Chubbette) turn.  Before I get to them, I am curious: Why does every bit of clothing that rednecks wear have to be some form of the Confederate flag? And can’t they ever put their beer down.  Okay, forget that last question.  Chubbs and Alana do their family proud with their belly flops.  In fact, Chubbs’ belly flop manages to splash mud onto Mama and Sugar Bear.  The family cheers with the admiration that only a redneck mud belly flopping family could.  Yahoo.

On to the next segment.  As the girls and Mama are sitting around eating cheese balls, oatmeal cream pies, and pork rinds, Chubbete decides that she is getting too fat and wants to start a diet.  But, she wants Mama to go on a diet as well.  Mama says that she is pretty happy with herself, but for support, she will join in with Chubbete on the diet.  Chubbette wants to lose about 20 to 30 pounds.  How is she going to lose all of this weight?  By following Mama’s advise, that’s how.  What is Mama’s advice?  I am glad you asked.  Farting.  No, I am not kidding.  Not one little bit.  Chubbette said that Mama said that you can lose weight by farting 12 to 15 times a day.  Cubbette plans on farting a lot more than 12 to 15 times a day.  The Farting Diet.  I can’t wait for the book. 

So, if you are starting a diet, what is the first thing that you do?  That’s right.  Let the weigh-ins begin.  Before we get to the reading of the scales, Mama has to get ready.  How does she do this?  By taking a shit.  Take a wild guess where the scale is?  That’s right, the bathroom.  After enough time had passed to air out the bathroom, Alana (the six year old) steps on the scale first.  She weighs-in at 69 pounds.  Chubbette is next and she weighs-in at 175 pounds.  Now it is Mama’s turn.  No, she did not break the scale.  Although, the first time she tried, the scale bottomed out and returned a weight of “E”.  Mama said that the “E” stands for Extra Big.  Not one to be easily discouraged, Mama tries again.  This time she gets a reading: 309 pounds. As with all diets, you have to set goals.  Mama’s goal is to lose 100 pounds to get back to her beautimous weight.

Okay, now it is time for what we all have been waiting for: the natural beauty pageant.  For Mama and Alana, this is just a practice pageant.  They are looking for feedback from the judges to help them with the big pageant at the end of the summer.  To help Alana get ready for the pageant, they stop at McDonalds and get her a large chocolate shake.  To show their support, the entire family is at the pageant and they are wearing their hot pink “Honey Boo Boo Child” t-shirts.  After what it seems like forever, it is finally Alana’s turn.  As she “struts her stuff”, they are reading her bio to the crowd.  In case you did not know, Alana enjoys pageantry, mud boggin, and her family.  After all of the contestants had been properly paraded around the center stage, it is time to announce the winners.  Like pulling off a band-aid, let’s just make this quick.  Alana did not win.  Tears were shed.  But, it was not a total loss, they did get the feedback from the judges that they wanted.  It appears that Alana needs to work on her modeling, eye contact, strutting, hand waiving, walk, turns, and smile.  Not that much really. 

With the pageant over, this brings us to the end of the show.  Yes, I know, very sad. But, on a happy note, we learn that Sugar Bear can actually speak.  I had to listen to it five times to figure out what in the hell he was saying, but it was nice to finally hear his voice.  And just what did he say? Well, let me just give you the direct quote: Ifs weus is are ables Alana tewsa practicle, shesa liables tewsa besa nexted Missersa Americas. 

Well, that brings us to the end of this week’s train wreck.  As an added bonus, I have included some of the best quotes from this episode below.  Will there be another recap?  I don’t know.  I am not sure my brain or liver can handle it.  Until next time, if there is a next time, keep farting and keep drinking – something eventually is bound to make sense.  

Y’all smell like hair spray and desperation. 

Breakfast of Champions – Cheese balls

Alana: Yes, we are redneck.  Pumpkin: No we’re not, we still have all of our teeth.

The redneck games are a lot like the Olympics but with a lot of missing teeth and a lot of butt cracks showing.

Welcome to the BBAD on the LFs Saturday Night Edition, September 1st, 2012.  Soooo many choices.  What to drink. What to drink.  With the damn feeds being on fish more than they are on the HGs, I have plenty of time to mix whatever the hell I want.  So, let’s make it a good one.  Hmmm…I have some peaches, some peach schnapps, a little bit of champagne, more vodka, some peach nectar, a touch of sweetener, and a couple of ice cubes.  Mix. Stir. Serve.  Since it contains real peaches, no need for dinner.  Finally, a mixed drink that serves as a drink and dinner.  Yum. Yum.

In case you missed it today, the OTEV POV comp was held this afternoon.  This year’s was a little bit more difficult as it involved having to shuck corn to reveal the names of who they were looking for.  Anyway, someone got a special birthday present – the POV.  Yes, on his birthday, Dan won the POV.  Happy Birthday Dan.

As we start BBAD, Frank and Jenn are in the kitchen playing with the large logos building….hell, I don’t know.  Joe, Danielle, and Shane are dangling their feet in the hot tub.  They are talking about how everything is going to get more competitive from here to the end.  Then Shane says the most honest thing he has ever said: “I don’t know, I have never really seen this show.”  They are working through the numbers to make sure that Frank gets voted out.

Dan has walked into the kitchen and Frank starts talking about what they need to do next week.  I guess Frank missed Dan after the POV where he was all alone and held up the Veto to the camera and said: “This is the ticket to get Frank out.”  Frank keep talking about next week and that they will be looking good going into the HOH.  Dan’s response: “How are the blueberries?”  Hello????  Frank, are you paying attention????  Oh yeah, I forgot.  Just like clown face jackass Jessie, AG has a hard on for Frank and will orchestra something to save Frank. Thank you baby Jesus for AG. 

Danielle has invaded Ian hammock as the discussion around the hot tube was not centered around her enough.  First question out of her mouth: “Was Dan up there with you in the HOH throwing me under the bus?”  Ian: No.  Danielle: Well, what did he say about me?  Do you know that he is trying to convince everyone to put me up if the veto is used?  I just can’t handle self-centered boiler bunny tonight.

Switch to Frank and Jenn in the kitchen.  Jenn asks if Frank is telling her the truth.  Frank says oh yeah, the plan was never to take me off the block.  The plan is to take you off the block. 

Ian called to the DR.  Uh oh. Who is Danielle going to get to talk to her about her now?  Damn.  Here comes Dan.  Just wonderful.  After some babble, Danielle starts another story about how her Godparents have a guardianship over her. What? Bitch please.  How about we learn what a guardianship is before we start talking out our ass, shall we?  Now she is talking about how someone is like her sister, but isn’t her sister, but they act like sisters.  Okay, did y’all follow that?  No worries, I didn’t either.  Anyway, she has to go to cheerleading practice with her non-sister sister and everyone loved her so much that they had a uniform for her as well. 

Alcohol delivery.  And just in time.  Dan says that he is drinking tonight for his birthday.  Happy Birthday Dan.  Mist. Mist. Fairy Dust. Fairy Dust.

Now Jenn has joined Boiler Bunny on the hammock.  Jenn starts the conversation by asking if Dan will use the POV.  Danielle thinks that Frank is on his way out.  Danielle tells her that she thinks that she will be all right.  Jenn says that she is not sure that she can trust Dan after the shit he pulled on Danielle.  Jenn is concerned about her big move last week and if it will pay off.  Suddenly the conversation switches to Joe and how he was starring at Danielle’s boobs last night.  Wow, Danielle, I am impressed.  You lasted almost five minutes before you turned the conversation to you.  More babble babble and then agree that they will roll with each other.   Oh thank God, Danielle is called to the DR.  You know, I just now thought of this:  I bet you what ever you want that Danielle absolutely loves – I mean really, really, really loves – the DR.  Think about it.  Everything is about her.  What did YOU do today?  How did YOU do in the POV comp today? What do YOU think will happen?  For her, this is better than finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  There is probably not a better place in the world for her. 

Jenn is now sitting at the hot tub with Joe.  Not talking.  Ian, Shane and Dan are on the couches in the backyard.  They all are drinking.  Dan has engaged Boogie’s philosophy as to Ian – ask him a question and set back for an hour.  Tonight’s topic: Pokemon.  I am not kidding.  Ian is going into great detail about it.  He would save up his allowance and buy packs and packs of Pokemon cards.  Another first for BB: the first time EVER that how to play Pokemon has been explained, in extreme detail, in the BB house.  People, I am just not nearly drunk enough to listen to this.  I don’t think there is enough alcohol in the world to endure this.  This is extremely difficult to say, but I would rather listen to Joe’s Pee Stained Cooking Show than this.  Happy Birthday Dan. 

Checking back in.  Nope.  Ian is still talking about Pokemon.  He is up to when he was in 4th grade and he bought the original 150 Pokemon cards.  Danielle tries to change the subject by asking about Beanie Babies.  Shane says that he has about 20 Beanie Babies.  There’s a shocker.  Danielle says that she has hundreds.  And then that conversation dies.  Fail.  Ian starts back in with Yugioh cards and that they are bush league compared to Pokemon. 

Checking back in.  Nope. Ian is still talking about Pokemon. My options are Ian talking about Pokemon or Jenn lying out next to the hot tub acting like she is sun bathing.  I hate you people. 

Danielle asked if they could talk about something else.  Ian looks over at her and then continues talking about Pokemon.  Ian is my new hero.  Except for the damn Pokemon shit.

Joe finally says that he has had enough of Pokemon.  Dan tells Ian that they can talk more about it later.  So, what does the conversation change to?  If the BB duffel bags of the previous seasons had their names stitched into the bag or if there was just a name tag. 

Now they are munching – loudly – on chips as they talk about how they received their invites to BB and the video clips that BB made them do.  Of course, BB does not want us to hear this and we keep getting fish.  Assholes. 

After about 15 minutes of the damn fish, the feeds finally come back.  Jenn is in the shower changing clothes and everyone else in the backyard talking about the OTEV comp.  Shane goes into the house to use the restroom and they start in on Danielle about her “relationship” with Shane.  They are telling her that she has to make the move.  Danielle says that Shane is afraid of the cameras.  Shane comes out and Ian asks if he is going to make out with Danielle.  Shane says that he does not kiss and tell.  Conversation turns to sex and who has had their salad tossed.  Nothing good is going to come of this conversation.  Switching feeds.

Jenn is inside with a deck of cards.  They are not regular playing cards; the cards have questions written on them.  Ian comes in to check on her and she says that every thing is cool. 

Back to outside.  Ian is talking about what each HG is.  Frank and Shane are the good-looking guys.  Dan is a returning vet so he does not count.  Ashley is the cute hippie.  Ian is the nerd.  Joe is the older married attractive gentleman.  Conversation moves to giving Frank a bunch of shit about Janelle.  They all are saying that Janelle didn’t like him because he was touchy-feely and that she is a married woman.  That he would constantly flirt and hit on her.  Frank bites hard and believes what they are telling him.  Dan asks Ian about sitting in the bathroom and looking in the shower.  Ian denies that he ever looked at anyone taking a shower.  Dan keeps asking and Ian keeps denying.  Frank keeps going off about Janelle and everyone keeps fueling the fire.  Frank is getting really pissed.  Frank is yelling that Janelle played a terrible game and is a terrible person.

Welcome to BBAD on the LFs Saturday night edition for August 26, 2012.  Tonight I am just chillin with my favorite wine, A to Z.  Like last night, I do not expect very much to happen.  As we start BBAD, Dan is in the HN room in isolation.  I will explain in a minute.  Danielle and Brit are chained together by their ankles and are in the kitchen fixing something.  Again, I will explain in a minute.  No, not what they are fixing, but why they are chained together.  Frank is wearing a carrot suit.  Again...okay, you get it.  Yes, I get the irony.  Ian, Joe and Shane are…I don’t know, somewhere.  Okay, okay, found Shane and Ian – they are in the bathroom area with Brit and Danielle.  Why are they in the bathroom area, I don’t have a clue.  I will send them a text and ask.  Don’t expect a response anytime soon.  Oh, BTW, they on an indoor lockdown.

In case you missed it, the POV was held today.  It was the “How Bad Do You Want It” comp.  Let’s start with the POV winner: Jenn.  As far as I can decipher, she had to set something on fire and burned her clothes and she is on slop for the rest of the time she is in the house.  Frank has to wear a carrot suit, take a paint bath, take a chum bath once an hour every hour, and he can’t play in the next two HOH comps.  He would have won but, he was sounding out a word – out loud where everyone could hear him – during a word quiz part of the comp and was disqualified from the POV comp.  He still has to incur the “punishments.”  Dan had to eat something gross and is in isolation for the next 24 hours in the HN room where Disco music and lights play randomly.  Brit and Danielle are chained together at their ankles with an actual metal chain.  I point out the fact that it is a metal chain due to the fact that it is the most annoying thing on the feeds right now.   I pray that BB makes them sit in one place for the next 24 hours.  The noise from the chain scrapping the floor is unbearable.  Let me put it this way, it is much worse than these idiots munching on chips with their mouths open while trying to talk.  Moving on.  What happen to Shane? Nothing. I mean it.  Nothing.  I have no idea how he got out not doing anything, but some how he did.  Joe did not play and Ian was the host.

Have you ever watched any of those animal show where the monkeys are pawing through each other’s fur to clean it?  Well, that is what Brit is doing to Danielle right now.  She is combing through her hair with her hands.  Why? I have no idea.  Hang on, I have to take a screen shot of this to make sure that I am not that drunk…yet

Maybe tonight is not a good night for alcohol.  Then again, maybe this is why alcohol was invented.  Why am I bringing this up?  Because Joe and Ian are sitting at the kitchen table and Joe is asking Ian what fingers he uses when he snaps his fingers.  Not. Even. Kidding.  Switch feeds, which is Brit and Danielle.  It is bad enough that we have to hear that damn chain when they walk, but Danielle is lifting and dropping her leg so that we can hear it some more.  Oh hell, they are getting up.  Come on BB, please, I am begging you; please force them to sit in one spot for the next 24 hours.  PLEASE.  I will give you every last drop of my alcohol if you will do this for me.  Pretty please?  This is not torture for them; it is torture for us.

WHAT. IN. THE. HELL. IS. THAT?  Holy crap.  Oh, its Dan’s disco music.  And it is loud.  Dan, sorry buddy, that really sucks.

We just hit the trifecta of annoying shit.  We have the scrapping of the metal chain, Brit shoving chips in mouth and chomping on them loudly, and Dan’s disco music.  There is not enough alcohol in the world to drown this shit out.  Oh wonderful, let’s add a fourth annoying factor: they are talking about oral sex threesomes.  Just wonderful.  I really, really hate AG right now. 

Oh, thank you BB Gods.  There is peace.  Dan’s music stopped.  Brit is in the DR, which means no chain and no munching on chips.

For those that are keeping score at home, Danielle just said she is a psychic. 

Frank just said that he has to take a chum shower every hour and has not had one in the last five hours. 

I really don’t think AG and her team of idiots really thought this chain thing through.  I hope they scratch the living shit out of the floor.  Even if it does, I don’t think it will be enough of a payback for the assault on our ears that AG and her merry band of jackasses is putting us through with the damn chain and Dan’s disco music.  I mean it; I really, really, really hate AG right now.

Where the hell did Frank go?  Oh, there he is.  In bed. Asleep.  If I am having to endure this…crap, why can’t he?  Add rudeness to Frank’s list of accolades.

As we start BBAD on the LFs, I am having a dilemma.  No, I had to give up my Wil hair fetish.  After he got kicked out of the house, he read something about my Wil hair fetish on that “other” website.  I kind of thought that it was a really nice tribute to Wil.  To show his appreciation, Wil had some lawyer crawl up and all over my ass with a “cease and desist order” and a restraining order (a restraining order?  Really Wil?).  You make one comment about his Speedo and put up one image of yourself in a compromising position with his hair extensions - boom – restraining order.  Whatever Wil.  Thanks Wil.  Kiss my ass and hair extensions Wil. Moving on.  No, my dilemma is what to drink.  You would think that with the six and a half hours that the feeds were down this afternoon (and evening) I would have my entire evening planned out.  Wrong.  Damn AG had me glued to the feeds just waiting for the LFs to come back on.  You know that she was sitting in the control room just laughing like a hyena at us live feeders waiting for six and a half hours for the feeds to come back up.  Bitch.  Anyways, back to me.  What to drink?  Yes, that is my dilemma tonight.  Let’s make it simple.  For my friends up north, let’s go with one of my favorite beers – Moose Drool.  Wonderful stuff. And I have two cases for the next three hours.  It is a party with myself and some hair extensions.

On with BBAD.  As the show starts tonight, Boogie and Frank are working out; Joe is cooking on the grill BB gave them; and the rest of the lazy bitches who do nothing but bitch about Joe’s cooking but are too lazy to cook their own damn food are eating what Joe has fixed them tonight: grilled salmon.

Now we have Frank in the shower – sexy, sexy.  Not. 

Moving to the BY.  Ian is swinging in the hammock; Danielle and Dan are on the lounge bench. Dan asks if they are alone.  Ian says yes.  Here we go…something important is about to be said...Ian: want to play pool?  Dan: maybe later.  Ian goes back to swinging in the hammock and Dan starts talking about his website – yes he gave the url – no, I am not about to repeat – okay fine, here it is: www. idontgiveashitaboutdan.com.  Happy?

Ashley has joined Ian on the hammock.  She is basically laying on him. Whore.  You went out on a date with Ian.  You don’t even give him a courtesy kiss.  You blow off Ian and go on a date with Frank and make out with him in the HOH.  Just because he asked.  Now that there is a chance that you may get nominated, you want to play footise with Ian.  Whore. 

How is she about to go on the block you ask? Let me explain.  You know that six and half hours that the feeds were down today? Well, they played the POV and Frank won.  It was a rehash of the poker game where you have to guess how much is in the jar or whatever.  Did the POV comp actually take six and a half hours? No, it did not.  So why were the feeds down for six and a half hours? Because AG is a bitch.  Moving on.    

Brit has joined Ian and whore in the hammock.  They are talking about the POV comp, so guess what we get?  That is right – the damn fish tank.  WHAT’S WRONG AG? WERE THE FEEDS NOT DOWN ENOUGH TODAY? Bitch. 

Since we have a break in the action, let me clear the air about something: For those of you that think beer makes me angry and bitter, you’re wrong.  It is the six Red Bulls that I had right before BBAD that makes me angry and bitter (and jittery as all hell)  Thank you for your cooperation and attention.

Feeds are finally back.  On one set of feeds is Frank eating.  Not only do I not like watching people eat, hearing is sucks even more.  On the other set of feeds, we have Ian, Ashley, and Brit talking about what type of girl is Frank’s type.  Are you kidding me?  Frank Frank Frank. What is this obsession with Frank?  He must have taken over Jessie’s spot in AG’s fantasy stud farm. 

Showmance conspirators:  IAN HAS LEFT THE HAMMOCK WITHOUT ASHLEY.  That is all. 

 Ashley and Brit are complaining – okay, more Brit – that the house is awkward and that they can’t talk to anyone in the house without being accused of something.  Brit claims that she told Shane that she does not want to talk to him or be seen talking to him until after the POV ceremony.  She does not want to be accused of “persuading” Shane on who to replace Frank with.  Okay, enough of her whining.

Shane and Joe are sitting at the hot tub.  Joe thinks this Thursday will be a fast-forward.  Shane does not think so.  This will be the last person before jury.  Doesn’t make sense to do a fast-forward this week.  Well, I guess little Shane is going to be surprised this Thursday.  Boogie and Jenn have joined Shane and Joe.  Prepare for boring bland conversations.

Back to Brit.  She is still complaining.  She is still rehashing yesterday.  LET IT GO.  Geez.

Oh hell yes. Finally.  Some excitement on the feeds.  WARNING  WARNING: this is not for the weak of heart – if you are fragile or have a heart condition, please turn away now.  You have been warned.   Ian and Dan are playing pool.  That is it.  Carry on. 

Dan and Ian are talking about two different BB sites.  His ID on Survivor Suck is Flipbox.  He said it was a randomly made up ID.  The other site, thankyouIwill, per Ian, is worse than Sucks.  He claims that he has to “tone it down” when he goes back to Sucks.  He has 30 different Costanza profile pics for the different sites he comments on.  Now he is talking about Dragon Ball Z.  I know that you are still a kid Ian, but really?  Have we not out grown Dragon Ball Z yet?  Time to move on Ian.  Time to move on.

Back to Ashley and Brit in the hammock.  Brit is still whining.  STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.  Shane just yelled at them if they want to drink tonight.  OH HELL YES.  PASS THE BOTTLE.  Ashley asked Ian if he is going to drink.  Why? Why would she do that? There is no showmance. She made out with Frank.  Whore.

Brit and Ashley are now talking about girl power.  Brit thinks that all of the women folk need to come together or they all are going to get voted out.  Ashley said that she would never vote out a female.  Ummm…ladies…it is a little too late to do an all girl alliance.  Yeah, you two, Jenn and Danielle are going to run this game.  You go girls.   Oh, by the way, if you are going to have an all girl alliance, you might want to go tell the other half of your alliance that they are now in a new alliance.  Just sayin. 

Boogie and Frank are on the couch in the BY.  Joe went to bed.  Something about food poisoning from whoever made dinner.  High levels of pee concentration.  I forget, who made dinner?  See boys and girls, when you don’t wash your hands after using the restroom and you are the head Chef, you must not violate rule number one: don’t eat what you cook.  Anyways, Boogie said that if he goes Thursday, Frank needs to give him his buddies’ numbers and he will give them a call.  They go on a rant about how poorly everyone is playing this game.  Oh wonderful. Male versions of Brit.  As I don’t want to listen to her, I am not going to listen to you two wallow in your misery.  Boogie and Frank get up and go to the parlor to hash out their plan for tomorrow.   They think Jenn going on the block is the worst thing for them.  They believe that they have a really good chance of getting Brit on their side.  Lots of “we need to do this” or “we need to do that.”  They think that they have a lot of options. Now they are bashing all of the other HGs and how horrible players they all are.  After about 5 minutes of this crap, they back up and say that Brit and Dan know what they are doing.  Now talking about who doesn’t deserve to win?  Ummm, that would be all of you.  Now Boogie is just being mean.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with that, but he is actually serious about his hatred.  He said that he has had it with everyone here and having to listen to endless stories about their family.   He thinks that they all are stupid.   The hate train proceeds forward.

I guess Brit and Danielle have had a little too much to drink as they are wrestling on the HOH bed.  It is not even close to what I imagined this would be.  Anti-erotic.  Is that even a word?  It should be. They finally break up and Danielle goes to take a shower.

Shane has joined Brit and Danielle in the HOH.  Brit was listening to music. Danielle is still in the shower.  If she knew that Shane was in the HOH, what are the odds that she would come running out naked?  Is it possible to have something above 100%?  Shane asks for her opinion on how to handle Frank and Boogie tomorrow when they confront him. Brit provides some type of vague answer.  Dan has joined the conversation.  Shane asks Dan how he would confront Frank and Boogie tomorrow when they come at him. Dan gives his standard non-response response.

Welcome to BBAD on the LFs Friday August 17, 2012 edition.  If you are still rolling with this bunch of loonies and you are not drinking, there is something really, really wrong with you.  For me, tonight, seeing how I am missing my favorite place in the entire world, I’m gonna pour myself a little Mountain Breeze!!!  Warning, this is not for the weak (NSFW) – a little vodka, gin, triple sec, rum, tequila, cranberry juice, sweet and sour, and grapefruit juice.  Mix. Serve. Drink. Yum Yum!!! 

Pity Party for one!!!  Paging pity party for one!!!  Oh, there you are Britney.  Come please join Shane in the parlor room so you can make him fell like shit.  Do what you usually do and make it all about you. 

As we start BBAD, we have Brit and Shane in the parlor room where Brit is upset with Shane for throwing her under the bus with Boogie and Frank.  Actually, Shane did not throw Brit under the bus, he shoved her head first under the bus.  Earlier in the HOH, right after he nominated Frank and Boogie, Frank and Boogie talked Shane in circles and basically got Shane to agree that the nominations were all Brit’s idea. Shane is really not that smart, so it really was not that hard.  After that conversation, Brit asked Shane what happen and Shane tries to say that he put most of the fault on him and just a little tiny bit on Brit.  Of course, Brit sees right through this and realizes that she just got ran over by the Shane bus.  Brit immediately leaves the HOH and confronts Boogie and Frank.  Brit denies that she had anything to do with the nominations.  Boogie just smiles and says sure.  Still yet, Frank and Boogie extend an olive branch and lets her know that they are still willing to work with her. (no they are not – they want to evict her ass)  Brit basically does the Pity “it is all about me” Dance on the olive branch.  Boogie continues to smile. 

Back to where this story began, the parlor room. Shane offers to tell Boogie and Frank that it was all him (YES, YES, PLEASE, I AM BEGGING, PLEASE DO SO) Brit says no and tells Shane to be rational (Yes, because then, this problem, would no longer be about Brit – all about me, nothing about you)  Brit continues to make him feel like shit and Shane continues to take it.  Here Shane, eat my bowl of shit.  Thanks Brit, can I have some more?  YUCK.  Brit telling Shane that she is the only one in this house that has his back (No, she doesn’t – don’t buy it Shane, run Shane run) Shane says that he knows that she does. (Taste good, may I have some more shit?)  Brit says that she is going to go out due to things that she told Shane to do.  (Yes honey, it is all about you) Shane says that he will straighten this out with everyone.  (Geez, this conversation was old before it even started – if we were in a fraternity house, I’d say that we are watching a circle jerk ) Shane finally leaves.  Now we have the camera focusing in on Brit looking like she is trying hard to feel sorry for herself.  With this type of behavior, Brit is making Danielle look sane.

NO, NO, NO!!! Psycho Bunny Boiler has entered the parlor room.  Raise the flags; sound the horns; we have a full on pity party.  Yep, there goes Brit: “I’m such the bully, I am so controlling, I have done everything for him, I did not want to play this game, I am going out due to what I supposedly told Shane to do…”  MUTE MUTE MUTE.

Switch feeds.  Shane is in the bathroom area where Ashley and Ian are laying down.  Ian talking about how his body still hurts from the HOH comp.  Boogie walks in and starts brushing his teeth.  Shane asks about their date.  Date? What date? Ian and Ashley are going on another date?  Why?  This is just stupid

Hang on, back to the other feeds.  Brit is talking about her being a coach and the message boards.  She is saying that she is sure that the message boards are making fun of her being a coach (Yes, we are, but not just for being a coach) and that she is a horrible coach (yes, very true, you are).  Oh, just wonderful, back to the pity party crap.  What is really funny is that Danielle will occasionally interrupt saying that we can do this or that.  Brit completely ignores her and continues the pity parade.  Dan walks in.  Just wonderful.  Another victim for her to whine to.  I have heard it twice.  I really don’t need to hear it again.

I am not sure if this was their plan, but Frank and Boogie are the winners for tonight’s BBAD.  They were nominated, but Brit and Shane are the ones spinning.  Say what you want about Boogie, but what he did tonight is impressive. 

Brit leaves the parlor room and is immediately called into the DR.  Shane walks into the parlor room.  He starts explaining what he said during his conversation with Frank and Boogie.  He claims that he really didn’t throw Brit under the bus (The hell you didn’t – hang on your right, you didn’t throw her, you stomped on her head and then placed it directly under one of the tires)  How is Shane planning on getting out of the mess he created? He is going to tell Frank and Boogie that the noms were all his idea.  BAHAHAHAHAHA. Are you kidding me?  And you really think that will work?  Dude, are you really blond?

Frank and Boogie are talking in one of the bedrooms.  Boogie said that their plan is to continue to barge Shane over the next 48 hours to convince him to start working with them and tell Brit to go fly a kite. 

Ian comes into the parlor room to let them know that the Chef BS show is about to begin.  On tonight’s menu is turkey burgers seasoned with Joe’s pee stained hands, fries sprinkled with shit flakes, and fresh brewed tea that looks like lemonade.  I will let you use your imagination as to what is actually in the fresh brewed tea to make the tea look YELLOW.    As Chef BS is explaining how he cooks turkey burgers, Ashley and Ian are eating cereal.  HEY JOE: THAT IS WHAT WE CALL A HINT.  Oh hell.  He is acting like this is a real cooking show.  Holy shit.  No.  Please stop.  Please.  No, No, No.  OH MY GOD.  He is encouraging them to ask questions as to what he is doing.  NO. NO. NO.  I would rather have a Buffalo treat me like a urinal than endure this.  Speaking of urinals, I need to pee.  A very long pee.  About as long as it takes Chef BS to do his BS cooking show.

Okay, I am back. Oh hell, Chef BS is still going.  This season is bad enough, but to have to put up with this bullshit as well?  I would rather stick a million needles in AG’s eye.

Feeds were on the damn fish tank for about 20 minutes.  When BB finally allowed us to see the feeds again, Ian, Frank, Dan and Shane are playing Boogie’s favorite game: ask Ian a question and watch him answer it for the next two hours.

Danielle and Frank are in the living room stretching.  Monkey ass.  On one feed, we have Danielle and group stretching.  On the other feed, Ian talking about something I could care less about. 

Ian called to the DR.  YES.  As soon Ian leaves, Frank asks what happen to the Silent Six.  Don’t everyone answer at once.  Neither Dan not Shane has any interest in answering that question.  It just got better.  Enter Brit.  She sits down at the little table in the HOH and starts eyeing Shane’s HOH basket.  Brit has not said a word.  Frank asks if her should leave.  Everyone says no.  Conversation turns to general chit chat.

Welcome to the BBAD on the LFs Friday night edition.  In honor of America’s weak ass choice of Have Not food for this week, I have poured myself a tall glass of peppermint candy cane schnapps.  Unbelievably weak America.  Based upon that vote, I should be drinking water and acting drunk.

As we start BBAD on the LFs, Shane has brought out three buckets of every flavor known to the world of candy canes.    The only problem is that they are not candy canes.  They are the old fashion candy sticks. Come on BB.  Flavors include butterscotch, root beer, licorice, tuti-frutti, blueberry, sassafras, strawberry daiquiri, grape, lemon, cherry, watermelon, pina colada…you get the point yet?  And guess what they had for dinner?  That’s right, cod.  Basically, fish sticks.  Really America?  Why not just serve them McDonald’s three times a day?

For some reason, there is a large tent over the back yard.  Hmmm…interesting.

Danielle, Brit, Ian, and Frank are at the pool table outside chanting some stupid ass cheer.  Wil, Joe, and Jenn are at the hot tub basically staring at each other.  Really.  They are not talking, just sitting there.  Maybe they should form an alliance called the Silent Three. Boogie is exercising by walking around the backyard.  And Ashley is passed out somewhere in the house from the injections she received earlier due to her lower back pain.

Since there is nothing going on, let’s re-cap today’s events.  The Have and Have Not comp was held.  It involved hoses, water, filling glasses or jugs, and carrying them somewhere.  Evidently, things got way out of control. Joe was yelling at the girls.  Shane told Joe to shut up.  Joe told Shane to shove it up his ass.  Shane ran over to Joe and chest bumped Joe.  Joe in returned head butted Shane, which knocked him into the pool.  Danielle freaks out yelling, “MY MAN” as she jumped into the pool to save Shane.  Frank came running over to Joe.  Joe asks Frank of he wants some.  With no hesitation whatsoever, Frank kicks Joe in the balls.  Since Joe does not have any balls, it didn’t have any effect on him whatsoever.  The momentum of the kick caused Joe to fall backwards into Britney.  Ian is screaming like a little girl and running in circles.  Britney gets up and kicks Joe in the balls. Again, nothing.  Joe tries to head butt Frank but misses.  He stumbles forward and falls on Ashley.  Boogie kicks Joe. Nothing.  Ian is screaming. Ashley is screaming.  Britney is screaming and runs into the house. Dan is trying to figure out how to throw the comp. Wil is checking out his hair in a mirror.  Danielle has pulled Shane out of the pool and sitting on top of him asking for a kiss.  Jenn is smoking a cigarette.  Frank kicks Joe.  Nothing.  Boogie kicks Joe.  Nothing.  Joe is laughing.  Ian now has the water basketball goal on his head and is woofing.  Wil is asking BB for hair conditioner.  Danielle is trying to make out with Shane.  Shane is now screaming. Frank picks up Joe and puts him into a WWE helicopter hold.  Boogie jumped off the top rope of the square circle and does an elbow power drive into Joe while Joe was being held by Frank.  Frank and Boogie are high fiving each other asking BB if they can do a DR about this.  Ashley says her back is broke.  Shane screaming.  Ian screaming.  Wil and his hair. Jenn smoking. Boogie Chill Town. Frank WWEing Joe. Chaos.  Okay, not really.  But, Britney, Danielle, Shane, and Joe are Have Nots for the week.  It is believed that Jenn should have been a Have Not, but due to Ashley not being able to play due to being doped up and her back hurting, Jenn got a free pass.  No idea why Jenn was selected.   As I said before, America’s Choice is Cod and Candy Canes.  Weak America, weak.

Shortly after the mayhem of the Have Not Comp, nominations where held.  Prior to nominations, Frank had a chat with Joe and told him to chill the hell out.  Joe really was screaming at the girls during the comp.  Several hurt feelings were had.  Frank hinted to Joe that he might not be the one evicted, but if he keeps being pissy to everyone, he will be going home.  Anyway, moving on.  Frank, to no one’s surprise, nominated Wil and Frank.  Rumor has it that Danielle was holding hands and sneaking kisses from Shane during the nomination ceremony.  There was also a rumor that Ian finally got enough courage to put his hand on the back of Ashley’s chair to make it look like he had his arm around Ashley.  Okay, not really.  It was Shane and Frank who were making out.

Welcome to BBAD on the LFs Saturday Edition. July 28, 2012. 

Sorry I am late to the party.  About an hour before BBAD was to begin, my washing machine exploded.  NOT KIDDING.  Really, I am not kidding.  Let me explain.  I was sitting on the couch.  I had the LFs on the computer and the Olympics on the TV in the background.  To my right, I had a nice drink to sip on.  A wonderful and peaceful evening.  Then all of the sudden, I hear this loud BOOM.  My first thought was the damn neighbor kids setting off fireworks again.  Other than interrupting my quite evening, I really didn’t think any more about it.  A few minutes later, I hear this odd noise.  It sounded something like a pleasant waterfall.  Again, really didn’t think that much about it.  A few minutes later, I hear the noise again.  This time, my curiosity got the better of me.  I turn everything off so that I can hear the noise better.  “Damn, that is coming from inside my house.”  The noise leads me to the utility room.  Again, I am really not thinking very much about this noise. I mean, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.  I am not sure that I have ever been that wrong.   I reached out, grabbed the doorknob, and opened the door.  A wave of water slapped me aside my face so hard that I thought a freight train hit me.  Somehow, I managed to shut the door.  I was stunned.  There is no way that just happen.  NO WAY.  Then I looked down.  There was water streaming through the crack at the bottom of the door like a river.  Stunned.  Completely stunned.  Like an idiot, I open the door again.  Another wave. Another right hook to my face.  I quickly closed the door…again.  It took a few minutes, but I finally regained my senses and realized what had occurred.  The loud “boom” was not the damn neighbor kids, it was my damn washing machine.  “This is war,” I yelled.  My children, who are usually completely oblivious to everything but their PS3, came running out of their rooms.  “Dad…Dad…what’s going on?”  “It’s a war boys,” I yelled.  “It is not safe for children…get back to your rooms boys!!!!” Instead of running back to their rooms, they just stared at me.  “Dad has gone off the deep end again,” one of them said as the turned and walked back to their rooms.  I didn’t have time for them; I had more important things to battle.  I quickly run off to find my raincoat, rubber boots, and an umbrella.  What is the point of a war if you don’t have the right gear to wear, right?  As I approached the door, I open the umbrella preparing to use it as a shield.  I say a quick prayer and take a long swig from my trusty bottle of Jack.   Mentally, I was ready.  Physically, well that is a different story.  I am standing in front of a door wearing a raincoat, rubber boots, and holding an umbrella. Need I say more?  No more hesitation.  Let the war begin.  I kicked in the door and tried to barge my way in.  The water was immense.  This is going to be a formidable opponent.  With the umbrella straight out, I tried to shield myself from a direct hit.  I take my free hand and brace myself with the frame of the door.  I pushed my way in and found a small sheltered area in the corner.  I dove for it and made it to the corner.  The water hose saw me and started turning towards me.  I took the few seconds that I had to survey the battle zone.  I was stunned again.  There were clothes and small washing machine parts everywhere. It was horrible.  From what I was seeing, the mental battle scars are going to haunt me forever.  The water smacked me again. I finally had enough.  I was mad.  This water hose is going down.  Down I tell you, I am going to bury this water hose six feet under.  I jump up from the corner and commence my attack.  Whack, whack, whack.  I must have hit that water hose 30 times in a matter of seconds.  On the thirty-first hit, it had had enough.  It fell to the ground defeated.  The hose and the water had stopped.  I had won. “VICTORY,” I yelled with my hands in the air.  As I am standing there in my raincoat with my hands in the air, from behind me, I hear this soft young voice.  “No, dad.  I turned off the water.” 

In honor of my washing machine blowing up, tonight I will be drinking Harvey Wall Bangers.  Special thanks to Cheryl and her mother for helping me mop up all of the water in my utility room.  On with BBAD.

As I join BBAD, Shane, Boogie, Danielle, Brit, Janelle, and Dan are in the BY enjoying cocktails and sushi.  They won a Sushi party from the POV comp.  They all are dressed up and I have to admit, it looks like a very nice environment – they have the fire pit, nice couches, green shrubbery all around them, and a nice bar.  Well done BB.

Inside is a different story.  Wil, Ian, Jenn, Frank, Joe, and Ashley are in the kitchen.  BB has given them alcohol.  How nice of BB.  Ashley is wearing her circus outfit from the POV comp. Ian only has on his underwear and a bowtie.  (Not a good look for him) Jenn is wearing a circus ringleader outfit with a top hat.  Frank and Joe are wearing normal clothes.  And then there is Wil.  I am going to try to describe what he is wearing – not sure words can do it justice, but I am going to try: He has a Navy Captain’s hat, sunglasses, no shirt, his Navy formal dress jacket, and a black Speedo.  That is it.  I take back what I said about Ian, he looks very tame compared to Wil. The things that I have to endure for you, my dear MF BBAD on the LFs readers, the things I have to endure.  And he appears drunk.  Bonus.

Oh, I forgot. It is also his birthday.  Happy…ummm…that outfit...wow…Birthday Wil.  Looks like you are having a great time. 

Ian has now taken off all of his clothes and has a hat covering his private parts.  The drunkards in the kitchen are encouraging Ian to streak through the house.  Instead of streaking, he walks through the house with the hat covering up his private parts.  Now they are playing spin the bottle.  Janelle goes first and it points to Jenn.   Janelle gives Jenn a peck.  It is Boogie’s turn.  It points toward Ashley.  Holy crap.  That is not a kiss. Hell, they are making out.   Brit’s turn.  It must be Ashley’s lucky night as it points to her again.  Brit gives her a little peck.  Now Shane is spinning the bottle.  Now this is funny.  It points towards Danielle.  Shane puts his arm around her and quickly kisses her.  It is obvious that she wanted more.  Ian returns with his clothes on.  He takes a turn at the bottle and it points towards Ashley.  How ironic.  The bottle seems to have a sense of humor. Ian walks up to Ashley like he is getting ready to make out with her.  He quickly kisses her and then raises his hands in the air.  Dude, not even close.  Drunk Wil wants a turn. He spins the bottle and it points to Boogie.  I swear, that bottle is becoming my best friend.  (Yes, yes, I know, I already have several best friends that are bottles) 

The BY is back open and true to his word, Wil is going to go skinny-dipping. NOT KIDDING.  He grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist.  Well…there goes his Speedo.  He flings it into the backyard.  He takes his Navy Captain’s hat and covers up his private parts. There goes the towel.  He runs into the BY, through a tunnel that everyone has formed, right into the pool.  There goes the hat.  And there goes my feeds.  No, I turned the feeds off on purpose.  There is only so much I can watch. 

When I get my feeds back up, Wil is nowhere to be seen.  Thank you Lord for small favors.  Speaking of small…just kidding.  I couldn’t resist. 

Well, it looks like the party is over.  Wil is dressed and everyone is winding down.  Brit and Danielle are in the HOH talking about Danielle’s kiss with Shane.  Apparently, between Danielle, Shane and everyone else in the house, the only people who think that you and Shane have a showmance is Danielle.  If she wants to take this relationship to the next level, she really needs to tell Shane that they are in a relationship. 

Well, since things are getting boring and we are almost to the end of BBAD, I really need to finish mopping up my utility room.  That or I need to block it off, throw some fish in there and call it my indoor pond. 

Welcome to BBAD on the LFs Friday Edition July 27, 2012.  For tonight’s feeds, I have invited my friends Jack and Johnny – no glass needed, as I will be drinking straight from the bottle.

Before we start BBAD, let me bring you up to speed.  After sitting around all morning and most of the afternoon, they finally had the Coaches Comp.  Not sure what it was, but when the feeds came back, they were wearing some ugly 80’s workout outfits – bright colored tights, headbands, shorts, and thigh high socks.  Anyway, Janelle won and she gave the exempt to Wil.  For some odd reason, Brit got to pick the Have Nots, which she choose Joe, Frank and Ian.  (Ian volunteered).  Boogie may have won $6,000 (no confirmation on that) and Ian might have won $3,000 (no confirmation on that either). The best part of the comp was Janelle after the comp - I have no idea what she did during the comp, but ever since, she has had ice bags tied to her thighs.  Too damn funny. 

For the next…I don’t know, forever…the HOH became a revolving door.  Everyone went up there and begged for their life.  Brit, deciding to ignore her own advise, decided to tell EVERYONE what their (her and Shane) plan is – put one of Boogie’s team up and put one of Janelle’s team up.  She would not shut up.  I am not kidding.  Yak yak yak yak yak.  Someone should have recorded one of her long ass lectures that she bored the shit out of Willie, JoJo and Shane with and force her to watch it.  There was not enough ibuprofen in my house to relieve that headache that Brit caused.  Pass the bottle.  Anyways, fast forwarding through forever, the nominations were finally held and Shane decided to do what he wanted to do and nominated Ashley and Joe. WHAT THE HELL.  Are you kidding me?  Shane is going to waste his HOH.  Unbelievable.   Shane claims that Joe is the target and Ashley is the pawn.  You and I both know what that means: Bye Bye Ashley.  JACK!!!!  JOHNNY!!!!! Where the hell are you?  Get over here.  I need a shot.

When BBAD started, everyone was still reeling from the nominations.  It started with Boogie and Frank doing a very quite celebration in the living room.  Brit and Janelle were in the HOH where Brit was explaining she did not know what Shane was going to do.  Janelle was bashing Boogie and Frank.  The only time Brit would shut up was when Janelle would talk over her.  In between bashing Boogie and Frank, Janelle was complaining about her thighs being bruised.  I finally had enough and switched feeds.  Ian is sitting at the kitchen table rocking back and forth.  Switch to Danielle and Dan.  They are whispering so quietly that I getting a headache trying to listen.  Janelle leaves the HOH.  Brit starts in on Shane.  We can still work with Janelle.  Switch.  Joe walks out the HNR saying that he just needed to calm down – that he needed to get his heart rate down.  Really? It is going to be fun to watch him blow this week.  Ian is still sitting in the kitchen rocking back and forth.  Dan and Danielle…oh, the hell with them.  Where’s my bottle?  Jack?  Johnny?  For a laugh, I turn back to Janelle and her ice packs.  That really is some funny shit.  Brit is still going on and on and on with Shane.  HEY BRIT – it is not your game.  It is Shane’s game.  Leave him the hell alone.  Thank you.  Oh by the way, Shane has an alliance with Frank that he did not tell you about.  HA.  Second by the way, you suck as a coach. 

Joe and Janelle in the parlor room.  Frank is a piece of crap.  You have to calm down and go kiss Shane’s ass.  He has a week deal with Frank. You have to lie and give Shane a three-week deal.  Blah, blah, blah.  Ice pack, ice pack, ice pack.  Boogie looking for something to eat.  Ian still rocking.  Joe leaves the parlor room and Ashley walks in.  Janelle telling Ashley that she is not the target.  Ashley doesn’t understand.  Frank sucks.  Ashley still clueless.  I need Jack. 

Back in the HOH...you got to be kidding me.  For the love of Jack and Johnny, Brit, shut the hell up.  Danielle comes up to the HOH.  To be honest with you, I really don’t care.

Janelle and her ice packs are talking to Joe.  Janelle tells Joe that she tried to explain to Ashley that she is not the target.  After a few minutes, she tells Joe that she has to go talk to Shane for damage control.  Janelle with her ice packs tagging along, march up to the HOH.  Janelle tells Brit and Shane that she wants to work with them.  She is not upset. (Lie) Joe is not upset; he is just acting like it in front of Chill Town. (Lie).  Wil is not upset.  (Big Lie).  Boogie is laughing down stairs.  (Okay, I will let that one go.  Wouldn’t you be happy if you and your team avoided being nominated?) Janelle saying that her and her team what to work with Shane (Lie – I think the ice packs even spoke up on that one) Janelle starts talking about how her and Boogie don’t like each other and starts talking about her seasons.  Switch.  Ian still rocking.  Everyone else in the kitchen eating.  Back to the HOH.  Janelle bashing Frank.  If one of her players wins the POV, he needs to take out Frank.  If not Frank, then Ian.  He needs to be taken out as well. 

Switch to Danielle and Ashley talking in the bathroom area.  Okay, I know what I said about Dan and Danielle, but I really don’t care about this conversation.  Joe comes over.  Starts talking to Danielle; wants to know if he can count on her.  Joe says that they have the numbers.  (Hang on, what? You have Wil.  That is it.  Frank wants you out.  Shane can’t vote.  Jenn and Ian will vote with Frank. You don’t have shit. Literally) They move to the parlor room.  Joe and Ashley continue to work her.  Where’s Dan when you need him?

Back in the HOH, Brit and Shane talking about how everyone is reacting.  Brit says that Wil is really not talking to anyone. More Willie talk and how he screwed them.  But not for Willie, JoJo would still be here.  Willie this.  Willie that. 

Just wonderful.  We have Willie bashing in the HOH and Joe talking in the parlor room.  Mute seems like the only viable option.  That and another swig of Jack…and Johnny.

Frank joins Brit and Shane in the HOH.  The love fest begins.  Frank is talking about how Joe stormed off after the nomination ceremony.  They all kind of chuckle.  Shane talking about how Janelle’s team is upset because they have not been on the block until now.  (Ummm, neither has Boogie’s team you idiot)

Joe, Janelle, Ashley, and Wil are in the parlor room.  Joe is telling them that Danielle is 100% on their side.  She will use the POV to take one of them off the block.  Janelle telling them that they need to kiss Shane’s ass.  Wil says he can’t do it because he can’t be fake.  Joe telling them that he will swallow his pride and do what it takes to try to win.  Wil said that he will talk to them tomorrow, he really does not want to talk to them tonight.  Joe says that he really wants to bust Shane in the face.  He wants to pull a Willie on him.  Oh Joe, I am really not going to miss you next week after you get voted out.  Joe leaves to go talk to Shane to let him know that there are no hard feelings. Before going to the HOH, Joe goes to the bathroom.  No, he does not wash his hands after he comes out.  (And he is the main cook for these people?  Ewww)  Frank is in the HOH so, Joe does not want to go up there.  Wil is going on and on about how he is not fake and he is not going to go up to the HOH and blow sunshine up Shane’s ass. Janelle talking about how nasty Frank is and that he is so hairy - that he has hair everywhere. Wil says he can’t stand Brit, that she was the bitch in high school that was nice to your face but talked shit behind your back. (And you are doing exactly what right now?)

Dan and Danielle whispering in one of the bedrooms.  Okay, I am not even going to try.  

Back to Joe, Janelle, Wil, and Ashley in the parlor room.  Rehashing the same shit they have been rehashing for the last hour.  Joe finally found his balls and is going to the HOH.  They ask how he is doing and Joe says that like sucks right now.  Shane wants to tell him why he put him on the block.  Shane claims that they – Brit and Janelle’s teams – were working together the first week and then abandoned them.  During the second week, they – Janelle’s team – teamed up with the power, which was Boogie’s team.  Due to them abandoning them, he thought that they needed to go on the block.  With Wil having the exempt, his decision was easy – him and Ashley.  Joe starts to explain how he felt after the nominations.  (Does he not have an inside voice?) Joe yelling that Janelle wanted him to kiss ass, but he is not like that.  He was upset.  He has calmed down.  He wants to work with Shane.  Shane asks if this means that he is leaving his team.  Joe says no, but that he is giving his word that he will vote with Shane.  Shane asks like you did with JoJo? (BAM) Joe said that he kept his word with JoJo (Lie) that is it would have mattered, he would have voted for JoJo (Lie – she paid you off for your vote and you still didn’t keep your word) Joe lies.  Joe lies a lot. 

Welcome to BBAD on the LFs Saturday night July 21st edition.  Yesterday was exciting due to Willie leaving. Today was boring due to Willie leaving.  In fact, today was one of the most boring days in the BB house that I can remember.  If you did not know any better, you would have thought we were down to the final 3 or 4.  Since the house is in such a mellow mood, I think I will pour myself a nice glass of red wine, some A to Z. 

As we start BBAD on the live feeds we have Joe, Ashley and Janelle walking back and forth across the BY for exercise.  Janelle says that she was really scared of Willie; he could have really flipped out.  Oh, playing the victim now, are we?  Everyone else except for Danielle and Brit are on the couches in the BY talking about movies and TV shows. So much excitement that it just might put me into a coma.

I must apologize for tonight’s BBAD.  I do believe that the most exciting thing that is going to happen is betting on how many time I will have to go to the restroom.  I am going to go with 5.  Any takers?

Since BBAD is boring, let’s talk about what happen today.  Well, they woke up.  They ate breakfast. They picked the Pov Players. In addition to Frank, Shane, and JoHo – Ian, Ashley, and Wil will play for the PoV.  Joe hosted which means they had to put up soundproof walls around the backyard to keep the neighbors from complaining.  After picking the PoV players, they ate some more and slept some more.  BB woke them up late in the afternoon for the PoV.  It involved my favorite sport – Drinking.  YES - SCORE!!!  Evidently, it does not take much for Brit.  When the feeds came back on, she was pretty much tanked.  Perfect date if you ask me.  (JUST KIDDING) Until she opens her mouth, that is.  (NOT KIDDING). Anyways, Shane won the PoV.  But, that really is not the best part of the PoV.  The best part was that JoJo (yes, I am using her actual name.  Yes, it is because she did something good) kicked Frank’s ass all over the BY during the comp.  You go girl.  Due to your great accomplishment JoJo, I will allow you to use your real name the rest of the night.  Your welcome.  After the comp, several filed into the HOH.  For the next two hours, Frank came up with every excuse known to the world as to why JoJo was able to beat him during the PoV Comp.  He didn’t really try.  If Willie had been here, I would have really tried.  I slipped.  She can really drink.  Blah, blah, blah.  Hey Frank, how about you sucked and got your ass kicked by a girl!!!!!  I think I am going to go with that one.

Back to BBAD for a minute.  Danielle and Janelle are in the bathroom area talking about their sports bra and how well they can see them through their shirts. Ashley has joined them and now they are talking about makeup.  Rest of the HGs except for Brit are working out in the BY or on the coaches talking about…some guy having to eat at McDonalds and if he threw up, he had to start over.  Coma.

Back to today’s activities.  After the PoV, Boogie’s team had gathered in the HOH and wanted to talk game.  Frank announced that he did not want to talk game.  So, nothing happened.  Joe made dinner.  They ate. Here we are at BBAD. 

As to where Brit is, my guess is that she is sleeping her drunk off.  If this is how she handles alcohol, if I was her husband, I would get her drunk every single day. (NOT KIDDING)

Breaking News Alert: Before BBAD, Janelle was talking about doing a BB cookbook.  Locally, a drunken man with a pellet gun crashed into a bridge.  I will let you pick which is more exciting.

Just how much do I like Ian?  Let me explain.  In a zip lock bag, he has the pork rind that Willie threw at Janelle.  He held it for the cameras.  Just exactly what does he plan on doing with it?  (This is my favorite part) He is going to sell it on eBay.  #TeamIan

ALERT ALERT ALERT – We have a Brit sighting.  She has joined the Danielle, Ashley and Janelle in the bathroom area where they all are putting on make up to look like a slutty Barbie.  Oh course, Janelle take this opportunity to pimp her Mary Kay website. 

Joe is going on and on and on and on in the back yard.  My anti-Joe program (the one that changes his voice to a sultry pleasant voice that says blah, blah, blah) is on the verge of overheating and crashing.  I guess in chef school, he skipped the course of  “learn how to shut the hell up.” 

Wow, what a long hour that was.  We are officially into our second hour of BBAD on the LFs.  Time to crack open another bottle of A to Z.  Maybe the more I drink, the funnier these people will become.  (the second set of brain cells that alcohol kills off is the serious cell, which means that everyone becomes damn hilarious)  At this point, my keyboard is in great danger of total destruction from me passing out from total boredom and my head smashing into it. 

Janelle, Ashley, Danielle, and Brit have finished putting their “slutty Barbie” make-up on and have changed their names to Pixie, Dixie, and some other crap.  They claim that they are going to the “pool hall” to check out the guys.  After walking into the BY to show everyone their make-up and hanging out at the pool table for a minute, we get the WBRB screen for about 10 minutes.  When the feeds come back, Wil has joined them and they all are inside the house.  He has a mustache, a backwards baseball cap, and a flannel shirt.  It appears that they have been chanting some song, which explains why the WBRB screen. Jackasses.  They mention the letters D and R and BB is yelling at them.  Why isn’t BB yelling at them about this crap?  Oh, wonderful, they are now doing a dance routine lead by Wil.

The circus moves to the backyard. After a quick intro of Craig aka Wil, they perform their dance routine.  This is slightly better than watching someone pee.

After the “Craig Show,” everyone is just kind of milling around.  Oh hell. They are focusing in on Joe.  My Joe program just exploded.  In addition to closing your mouth Joe, why don’t you go find a shirt that actually fits.

O M G – Brit, Ashley, Janelle, and Danielle are inside working on another dance routine.  I understand that there is nothing else to do, but it was not that funny the first time.  Let it die.

Watch out.  We have actual game talk.  Janelle, Ashley, and Wil are in the parlor room talking about if Frank puts up Danielle in place of Shane, would it be better to keep Danielle or JoJo.  Really? You guys really need to actually have a discussion about this?  

Welcome to BBAD on the LFs Friday July 20th Edition.  In memory of Willie, my beverage of choice tonight is good ole fashion beer.  But, not just any beer, this is Willie we are talking about, so special beer it is – Moose Drool.  Love me some Moose Drool (its not like I didn’t give you a big ole hint)

Right now, all of the HGs, including the Have Nots are eating pizza.  In case you have been living under a rock, today was a long day.  But seeing how I have been drinking over the last couple of hours, I am sure I can sum it up pretty quick.  (remember, drinking kills brain cells and the first cells that are killed off are the stupid ones – see, I’m already smarter) Janelle won Coaches comp; Janelle selected Willie, Shane, JoHo , and Ian as Have Nots; Willie walks out or gets kicked out; rumor has it that Willie head butted Joe (surprised it took this long, you have seen Joe’s DRs, right? In the legal world, that is called a justified head butt) feeds are off for several hours; Frank nominates Shane and JoHo; the Have Not food is Pork Rinds and Pudding.  See?  I’m so smart…and quick.  At least that’s what I hear muttered when I am in bed – hang on, wrong blog.

JoHo and Shane are in the HOH trying to save their ass.  When are these people going to learn – YOU ARE NOMINTED.  THERE IS NO REASON TO KISS THE HOH’S ASS.  The only power the HOH has right now is if someone uses the POV.  Come on idiots, have some beer and gain some smart cells.

Ian, Wil, Brit, Ashely, Danielle and Joe are in the kitchen.  I’m sure that Boogie is sleeping.

Good Lord, JoHo and Shane are still kissing Frank’s ass.  Oh, this is nice, they just realized that they are on Showtime and Frank is doing shout outs.  Dude, don’t talk to the camera.  I am a voyeur.  I want to watch.  I don’t want you talking to me.  Thanks for your cooperation.

Okay, Ian is telling us what happen toady.  At the Coaches Comp, they had to wear their best 90’s rap gear. In a walking across a balance beam and stacking comp, Boogie jumped off early and Janelle won.  Janelle got to pick the Have Nots and picked Willie, Shane, JoHo, and Ian.  Janelle saved Ashley.  Willie did not take it well and kicked a door and said some cuss words – called Janelle a C word and a B word. (rated PG tonight – aren’t you proud of me?) Janelle told Willie to FO. They were allowed back in the house were Willie head butted and chest bumped Joe.  Willie then threw pork rinds at Janelle.  What a waste of pork rinds.  I mean, come on Willie, everyone loves pork rinds. Why could you have not thrown something that no one likes, I don’t know, maybe like onions? Or watermelons? Opps, sorry, those have already been implanted. (Commercial break – I’m curious, when Janelle flies, does she have to check them or are they considered carry ons? Just curious)  Okay, continuing on.  Brit says that Ian got it out of order – Willie called Joe a wussy and face bumped him, called him a wussy again, face bumped him again, and then chest bumped him. Ian picks the story back up.  Willie called to the DR.  Willie threw pork rinds at Janelle – damn it Willie, we have been over this, not the freaking pork rinds.  Find something else.  Willie flips off Janelle. Willie called to the DR.  Janelle waves and says bye bye Willie. A couple of hours later, AG announces that Willie will not be coming back and the game will go on. Good grief, someone get me another beer.  One Moose Drool please.  And Damn it AG, we better see some of this on the show.  Like the good stuff, a couple of head butts and food flying.  Thanks.

Janelle, Ashley, and Frank rehashing what happen.  Janelle was peeing (her words, not mine) and she ran downstairs.  She sees Willie who asks why are you running downstairs?  Janelle says that she can go wherever she wants.  Willie grabs some pork rinds and throws them at Janelle and tells Janelle to FO.  Janelle says that Willie head butted Joe three times.  Now they are talking about what a piece of trash Willie is. 

FLASH POLL – what would you rather see: Willie head butting Joe or Willie throwing pork rinds at Janelle?  (Again, pork rinds are a staple and SHOULD NOT BE WASTED – Willie, you screwed up. You should have thrown the pudding.  Now that would have been funny)

Okay, we are now into the second hour of BBAD on the LFs and to be honest with you, I started drinking when the feeds were on trivia.  I started this evening with 8 beers.  I have one left. That means that I have drank…6? No 5 beers. Yeah, 6 no 4 beers.  How about we go with a couple.  POINT BEING, I am way to drunk to get through this night.  But let’s try anyways.

Dan, Boogie, and Ian in the HOH, talking about…being on BB.  What?  Switch.

Frank, Wil, Janelle, Ashley in one of the bedrooms.  Talking about Willie and that he did have a funny side to him.  Now talking about Willie going from HOH to be kicked out. 

FLASH POLL – Will Kara be back in the house tomorrow?  A six-pack of Moose Drool is on the line – Yes or No? 

Hang on.  The beer is working its magic.  Have to go pee.  Be back in a minute…okay, maybe a couple of minutes.

Okay, I’m back.  I don’t know about you, but I feel better.

Back yard is open.  Smokers are running to the BY.  Okay, not running, coughing and walking at a fast pace.

Britney called to the DR – maybe they are telling her that she is getting Kara.

What in the hell are they doing?!?!?  They have the toaster outside.  Why is the announcer dude not yelling at them to stop that?  O M G – that’s hilarious.  Willie must have taken the only lighter.  They are using the toaster to light their cigs.  Now, that is funny.

Holy crap Frank – I am not sure if I am impressed or disgusted – either way, that was one long fart.  Dude, go to the bathroom and wipe your ass.

Shane, Joe, Jenn, and Danielle sitting around the hot tub.  Shane says that he just realized how much peaceful it is without Willie.  More Willie bashing ensues.  Joe says that Willie abused them.  Oh good Lord, shut up Joe.  A few minutes ago you were talking about how you were a bully in high school (we’re all shocked, right?) Can we say kettle pot?

Oh hell yes.  The program is finally working like it should.  On my feeds, every time Joe speaks, my computer replaces his voice with a sultry voice saying blah, blah, blah. 

Back to the bed room Danielle, Wil, Frank, and Janelle.  Janelle talking about how she got a ticket for not moving over when a police officer had someone pulled over.  They increased the fine when she did not show up to court.  Why oh why did they not issue a warrant for her arrest? Now, they would have been funny. 

Brit and JoHo talking in the bathroom area.  JoHo telling Brit that it is going to be all right, we will get through this…basically doing the job that Brit should be doing as a coach. 

Back to the bedroom.  Danielle asking if you have to have hair down there to have craps?  What the hell kind of nursing school did you go to?  Mental note: if I am ever at a hospital and if there is a nurse that even remotely looks like Danielle…run…run like hell.  Hang on, did she just say something about her mom’s bush?  Holy shit. Switch.

Brit is now in the HOH talking to Frank.  Brit says that for the first week, she talked more game than she did during her entire season.  Hmmm…let’s think about this…just exactly how did they work out for you?  All right, moving on.

Okay folks, we are into the third hour of BBAD on the LFs.  Seeing how I am out of Moose Drool (if anyone can would like to send me a case, I will give you my address) and that there is not going to be any game talk tonight, just continual Willie bashing, I think I am going to call it a night. 

Apparently, wireless carriers don’t care about your privacy.  California has proposed a law (Senate Bill 1434) that will require government entities, such as law enforcement, to obtain a search warrant before being provided location and other information from your wireless phone. In other words, as to a very basic and simple example, if the police wanted to know where your phone is, they would have to present a warrant that contains “probable cause” (more likely than not) evidence to a Magistrate as to why they want the location of your phone. If the Magistrate agrees, the warrant gets issued. If not, no warrant. To a certain extent, your rights have been protected as the police are not allowed to go straight to a wireless carrier and obtain whatever they want.

Guess who is against the proposed law? That’s right, the wireless carriers. The CTIA – an international trade association for the wireless telecommunications industry representing wireless carriers – has sent a letter to the California Senator who proposed the bill advising that they oppose the proposed law. The reason stated in the letter as to why the CTIA is opposed to the proposed law is that they believe that the law might “create confusion for wireless providers and hamper their response to legitimate law enforcement investigations.” The CTIA also stated that the “definitions within SB 1434 are so overly broadly that they could create confusion for wireless providers attempting to respond to legitimate law enforcement requests.” The CTIA specifically mentions the definition of “location information” in their letter. Well, let’s just see how confusing the definition really is:

(d) “Location information” means information, concerning the location of an electronic device that, in whole or in part, is generated, derived from, or obtained by the operation of an electronic device.

Just in case the CTIA was confused and meant “location information service,” let’s look at that definition as well:

(e) “Location information service” means the provision of a global positioning service or other mapping, locational, or directional information service.

Nope, both look pretty straightforward to me. Maybe they are confused as to what an electronic device is. Let’s take a look at that definition:

(b) “Electronic device” means a device that enables access to, or use of, an electronic communication service, remote computing service, or location information service.

Again, it seems pretty straightforward to me. If the definitions are not confusing, then that leaves two possible conclusions: either they do not care about your privacy or they do not want the current way of how they conduct business to change. Or, maybe it is both? Or, could the answer lie within the other part of the proposed law?

The second part of the proposed law would require the wireless carriers to compile annual reports that basically provide the number of federal and state warrants requesting location services and the total number of disclosures made by the wireless providers. As to this information, the wireless carriers would also have to provide more detailed information such as the number of times they disclosed information (not limited to warrant requests), the number of times they did not disclose any information, the number of times they contested releasing the information, and the number of users whose location information was disclosed. Here is the kicker: the annual reports must be made available to the public on the Internet in a searchable format on or before March 1st of each year. The CTIA claims that this requirement would be “onerous and costly.” They further claim that it is “unclear what useful purpose such reports would serve that if the wireless carriers are forced to provide this information.” Really? Sorry, but I beg to differ. The CTIA knows exactly what purpose this information would serve if they were forced to release it. It is called being accountable to your customers. Let me explain.

If there is not a law that requires a warrant, the police can basically fill out a form from the wireless carrier and obtain your “location information” for no other reason other than they want it. With this information, they can track where you have been, whom you have called, and who has called you. They can obtain this information without you ever knowing. Now throw in the requirement of having to obtain a warrant. The police have to have probable cause and a Magistrate agree that the probable cause is sufficient and justified. Despite whether you ever find out if a warrant was issued, at least there is a layer of protection to your privacy. It is not perfect, but it is a step in the right direction.

As to how this relates to the CTIA, let me ask you this question: if the wireless carriers had to disclose how many times they released their customers “location information,” do you think they would do it as often and without a warrant? It is called accountability. And right now, under the current system as to this information, there is no accountability with the wireless carriers.

APPLE CEO TIM COOK

Apple CEO Tim Cook announced last week that Apple will initiate a quarterly dividend payment to current shareholders, as well as a buy back of almost $10 billion in stock to help avoid reducing employee equity.

The conference call began with Tim Cook stating that Apple’s current financial condition is better than it ever has been. There were 37 million iPhones sold last quarter and that number is only going to increase with worldwide cellphone user set to grow from 1.6 billion in 2011 to over 2 billion by 2015.  The tablet marketgrowth is going in the same direction as the iPhone, wherein Apple sold 55 million iPads before the third-generation iPad was released, and it’s estimated that there will be 320 million tablets by 2016. Tim Cook also commented that the Mac just had its 23rd consecutive quarter of growth.  There is little question that right now, Apple is doing extremely well.

Due to Apple’s success over the last several years, the company has a cash balance of over $100 billion. “After a lot of analysis, thinking and listening to the input we were getting from our shareholders,” Tim Cook and Apple have decided to pay investors a quarterly dividend of $2.65 a share and begin a stock repurchase plan to prevent dilution of employee equity.

As to the dividend, Apple estimates this will cost $10 billion per year for the next three years. The dividend will be officially declared in July. The stock repurchase plan will begin on September 30 and is expected to cost Apple about $10 billion by 2013.  In total, Apple expects to spend approximately $45 billion.  “Even with these investments, we have a huge warchest, and plenty of cash to run our business,” said Tim Cook.  For more information about the conference call, check out Apple’s pre-conference call press release below.

There is no doubt that $45 billion is a staggering number and that almost every company in the world would love to have this problem, but let’s look at what the number really mean to an average Joe like you and I.

One of the reason Apple cited as to the quarterly dividend was to “generate income” for its investors and to attract new investors who require a dividend.  Now, this is the part that everyone should pay attention to: to accomplish this “goal,” Apple is paying a dividend of $2.65 per quarter share.  Yes, that is right, $2.65 per quarter share.

How does this translate to everyday real numbers?  Let me explain.  Let’s say that you have a job wherein you work 8 hours a day, 22 days a month, at $10 an hour.  That would be $1,760 a month before taxes.  Multiple that number times three to arrive at $5,280 quarterly before taxes.  Now, let’s say that you wanted to quit your job and just live off Apple’s quarterly dividend.  How much stock would you need to own to make $5,280 quarterly?  With a dividend of $2.65 per quarterly share, you would need 1,993 shares.  Today, Apple closed at $601.10.  So, 1,993 shares would cost you $1,197,992.30.  That is right, $1.2 million.  I don’t about you, but I don’t have $1.2 million just lying around.  And if I did, I am pretty sure that I would not invest it in something with a return that is barely above someone making minimum wage.

Yes, I realize and understand that Apple shareholders and potential investors are not going to be living off the dividend.  I illustrate the above example to show just how ludicrous and ridiculous Apple’s statement is that part of the reason they are doing a dividend is to generate income for it’s investors and to attract new investors who require a dividend. Let’s call it what it is: Apple is not looking for average Joe investors; Apple is looking for investors who can drop millions of dollars without thinking twice about it. Apple is an extremely rich company that is looking for extremely rich investors. What is the old saying: it takes millions to make billions.  As to their stock, Apple is completely and totally out of touch with the average investor.  Don’t get me wrong, Apple has no problem taking your money.  The only question is how much can you afford at $600 a pop?  For me, I only have one question for you:  Do you want fries with that?

Press Release:

CUPERTINO, Calif.–(BUSINESS WIRE)–Apple® today announced plans to initiate a dividend and share repurchase program commencing later this year.

“We have used some of our cash to make great investments in our business through increased research and development, acquisitions, new retail store openings, strategic prepayments and capital expenditures in our supply chain, and building out our infrastructure. You’ll see more of all of these in the future”

Subject to declaration by the Board of Directors, the Company plans to initiate a quarterly dividend of $2.65 per share sometime in the fourth quarter of its fiscal 2012, which begins on July 1, 2012.

Additionally, the Company’s Board of Directors has authorized a $10 billion share repurchase program commencing in the Company’s fiscal 2013, which begins on September 30, 2012. The repurchase program is expected to be executed over three years, with the primary objective of neutralizing the impact of dilution from future employee equity grants and employee stock purchase programs.

“We have used some of our cash to make great investments in our business through increased research and development, acquisitions, new retail store openings, strategic prepayments and capital expenditures in our supply chain, and building out our infrastructure. You’ll see more of all of these in the future,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “Even with these investments, we can maintain a war chest for strategic opportunities and have plenty of cash to run our business. So we are going to initiate a dividend and share repurchase program.”

“Combining dividends, share repurchases, and cash used to net-share-settle vesting RSUs, we anticipate utilizing approximately $45 billion of domestic cash in the first three years of our programs,” said Peter Oppenheimer, Apple’s CFO. “We are extremely confident in our future and see tremendous opportunities ahead.”

Apple will provide live streaming of a conference call to discuss its plans beginning at 6:00 a.m. PDT on Monday, March 19, 2012 at www.apple.com/quicktime/qtv/call31912. The Company will not be providing an update on the current quarter nor will any topics be discussed other than cash. This webcast will also be available for replay for approximately two weeks thereafter.