I can’t believe I’d still be writing these kind of stupid letters after 7 years. I guess this is one of those nights when the memory bank plays like a cinema on my head. The opening scene was the first time we met----early morning of January 2011, I was sitting on the railings in front of Bahay Pagasa feeling embarrassed as I mistakenly wore uniform for an event when somebody behind me asked, “Ate, dito po ba ‘yung recollection?”. And then there you were, with your stupid white shirt, black backpack, and square glasses. It was a stupid crush on first sight.
‘Sparks’ was a thing back then, so I stupidly started calling you sparks whenever I tell people about the guy I met that morning (along with other codenames--google, JG, Jojo). Months have passed and I forgot about your existence. And then one day, I saw you sitting outside Milas with your friends. You looked at me and for the first time, our eyes fucking meet. It was stupid fucking sparks. I didn’t see you for a long time after that so I thought again, that was it. And then summer term happened.
It was maybe around April the same year. I was sitting second to the last row, almost adjacent to the door. Filipino class was about to start when suddenly, a guy wearing all black and a fucking rayban entered the room. Alam mo ‘yung moment na parang bumagal ‘yung oras? ‘Yun ‘yon. You then chose to sit behind me. I wish I knew back then how my life would change that day.
I was initially planning to list all the memories I have with you in it---both retroactive and real----but I couldn’t let myself dive into regrets and hurt again. You see, this is more than a memory to me. This is the story of my innocence and how I got to move forward away from that but losing what we had in the process. Oh how absurd it is to still use present tense for this.
When you told me that you had feelings too back then, it felt like a fucking punch. It felt like the heartache I felt before but this time, it is much worse and I didn’t know how to process it. How do you mourn for something you’ve lost a long time ago? The one you thought you didn’t know you had? I am so angry at you for not telling me. Bakit ‘di mo sinabi, Jed? Bakit hindi mo sinabing mahal mo ko dati? I just wish you told me because we’d lose each other anyway. You had no fucking idea how much I loved you, Jed. For seven years.
It is so unfair how you get to choose the ending you want and I don’t. I used to think this would eventually end with both of us finally meeting halfway but obviously, I was wrong. It took me a long time to get it. Fuck, it took me seven fucking years---that this story would only end when I’ve finally reconciled with my past myself and leave baggage of regret behind.
Maybe one day, we’ll see each other again. Maybe like of those bittersweet endings ala Roman Holiday or La La Land where we stand feet apart then we’d look again at each others eyes, only this time it won’t be like that in Milas. This time, it will be for good bye.
This is my last letter for you Jed but the first to finally say your name. Not sparks, not google, and not JG.
PS. You will always be my favorite could have been.
