Yes, Your life has led up to this blog

Bryan asked me yesterday what I like about Joy and I thought real hard.  The best answer I had was I could myself around her.  I enjoyed her presence.  She laughs at my jokes and isn’t afraid to challenge me.  She hella beautiful and incredibly smart.  And not just like everyone thinks their SO is beautiful but like she’s the daughter of a model and literally got Top 0.1 percentile on her MCAT and has a 3.98 well now a 3.95.  Sheesh, makes me feel dumb sometimes LOL But honestly I’m just overjoyed when she gives me attention and asks me how my day is going.  

Distance kinda sucks right now.  And the 3 hour time difference isn’t helping either.  We have a small window at night when we’re both online sometimes and during the day communication is sparse.  But even still we find time to watch movies together or vchat and those are good days ^__^ 

I'm struggling

There's a feeling in my chest that won't go away.

like when you drink too much coffee and want to expel all your energy in one punch, one jump

But I haven't had coffee today

or yesterday

or the day before

or the entire week

The feeling rises in my chest, climbing

Stopping at the bottom of my throat

As if my heart wants it gone and out of my chest, but the feeling is stuck

Glued

Its hands grasped tightly around my heart.  

Almost 4 years later, and she still has me tripping

I don’t really know how to describe this feeling, but reading her poems makes me feel dumb.

Stupid

I was

too blind,

too jealous,

too greedy

to appreciate her affection.  Each word intentionally placed, artfully crafted, stabbing me in my chest.  How could I dismiss her so easily, so effortlessly?

I know it wasn’t effortless, but it seems that way in hindsight.  

She cared for me, she valued me, she loved me, and I

Pushed her aside

Ran away, just because she was away, against her will, and I couldn't bear

To be alone regardless of the reason

Unwilling to yearn

Unwilling

to be far

Conflicted but sure I had to move on because deep down I was caving in, weak because having no one was better than having someone I couldn't be with

Because I had grown complacent to her love, my first love, and was so optimistic

She.

would not be the only one.  

Max you're a f***ing thot.

I was valuable to her, I meant something

And I abandoned her

WHO DOES THAT?

Had I only known how rare that was, how precious that was, perhaps I wouldn’t have so easily let her go.  Been more mature, more understanding, more flexible, been there for her instead of thinking of me

But all the

Wishing

And speculating

What could have been

I used to have a couple of friends that I would always hit up.  Whether it was for a meal, to hang out during a free afternoon, or stay up late gossiping.  Today, I have groups of people I see once or twice a week for an activity.  I would consider them friend groups still.  But the way I interpreted the question was whether I found a couple of goto friends I do a lot of things with.  The truth is, I don’t.  It hasn’t bothered me much, mostly because I’ve been constantly swimming upstream in an avalanche of tasks I have to do or that I want to do.  But that question made me miss having those go to people.  The ones I vent to about a bad day.  The ones I confide in about the most whimsical thoughts.  The ones that push me to be better.  

I didn't really want to admit any of this, but I'd rather you know that you're not the only one 

I almost bought you a box of chocolates for Valentine's and even asked Claire what kind of Valentine's day candygrams existed at Columbia (Columbia needs to step up their game..)  I eventually decided against it to prevent sending mixed signals  

Wow has it been a rocky ride!  Suddenly realizing that anyone who remotely knows me, will probably be able to deduce who those people are.  But w.e. no one knows this link exists.  At least if they do, they haven’t told me sooooo, I’ll just continue using these aliases. 

“Ju” dang wow, kinda sad just thinking about it.  She returned from her travels abroad only to hop right into this man’s arms.  Can’t really complain since I did actively choose to not seize the chance I had to be with her.  But at the same time, kinda makes me feel sad that I was so easily gotten over?  Or maybe w.e. we had was really insignificant.  Either way, I can’t be really surprised either since, w.e. we had seemed shockingly soon after her previous breakup.  But considering all my concerns in my last post, I feel like I shouldn’t be lamenting over this so much and live with my decisions.  It's not like my previous concerns instantly evaporated the moment she started her most recent relationship.  But it is still a little sad to think that the boy she’s with could have been me.  I can’t help but compare myself to him and let me tell you, there is no comparison HAH.  He’s handsome, fit, charismatic.  He’s got his own flair and rides his own ride, I look up to him myself.  So props to both of them, I really hope the best for them.  On a slightly related note, we have hangout a couple of times in a group setting, and it's apparent the chemistry we once had no longer exists.  Maybe its something about how flirtatious we were with each other that made it seem so comfortable, and now knowing that’s now inappropriate, what fills the remaining space is tense, guarded, and forced. I can’t be myself as much around her.  

“A” Wow, I have truly still not fully processed the events that have transpired.  We hang out once at the beginning of the summer, and we stopped as we both got increasingly busy with summer teams.  I didn’t think much of it since I was so busy with my duties, I never paused to consider the fact that damn, we haven’t hung out in a long time.  Once the Summer winded down, and fall started up.  She freed up and asked me to get drinks.  I was happy, it had been a long time, and I wanted to catch up.  We went to East Bay Spice Company and spent 2 hours talking about everything: work, life, dance, goals, etc.  Then we approached the subject of our personal lives, and she revealed to me that she still had feelings and she didn’t like that.  And since they weren’t going away naturally, she wanted to pursue more drastic measures, and never talk to me.  Blocking me on everything, including Venmo?? Like what? In the moment, I was shocked and was still really just locked in the happy mode I had been in the past 2 hours, I was understanding and appreciated her honesty.  A couple of hours later, feelings of betrayal hit and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was guilty of making her like me, that It was my fault she still had feelings.  From that moment on, I no longer felt comfortable being around her, this fear that anything I did or said would affect how much she liked me.  That it would prevent her from getting over me.  I passed up on hanging out with friends if I knew she would be there and I eventually started feeling really depressed that I wasn’t in these social circles I could have been in.  Every time I saw an Insta post or story, I’d get sad to see her hanging out with people that had just invited me to come along with them.  Now its gotten to the point where they don’t ask me anymore haha, and that’s just a whole new flavor of suck.  

She’s since reached out to me, but I personally want to have nothing to do with her.  I don’t believe I could even look her in the eyes without feeling the responsibility of maybe I’m making her feel uncomfortable.  I’M UNCOMFORTABLE what?? I feel like I need to see a psychologist at this point, cuz know I’m avoiding something instead of fixing it LOL.  I’m just not sure what that is.  Why am I so reluctant to amend our relationship?  

She’s since messaged me saying that she’s over me saying she’s over me.  And that she feels bad for preventing me from hanging out with the friends I used to hang out with and that she wants me at her birthday party since I was undeniably a large part of her life this year and a great friend.  But the truth is, I’m okay now, forgoing these friends and not celebrating with her? Not even that, I’d rather forgo these friends and her as a friend than repairing our relationship? Someone psychoanalyze me, please.  I feel like the crux of it is that she broke my trust and did something no friend would do, cut one off, and make me feel like it's my fault and responsibility that she’s into me?  And even if we do repair our friendship, what's preventing it from happening again?  I guess I feel like she doesn’t offer much to me in terms of friendship that it's worth repairing over since there's a risk it’ll just fall apart again.

I titled this as maybe being W’s since these girls most likely don’t offer me much anyway and would have gotten in the way of something better.  namely, self-love.

A string of casual romances, well really just two or three.  Can I even count the first one?  Is two enough to constitute a string? Whatever, it’s just an expression.  I think I realized after some time that I was just not that in too any of them.  Mostly they weren’t the most physically attractive, but I think really I was either too scared to approach the pretty ones, they could see through my bullshit, or they’ve had enough of boys in general.  Whatever the case, the ones I ended up with all fell for me, but I couldn’t find myself to do the same.  It seemed like I just needed their company.  Whether it was someone just to hear all my random and dumb thoughts for 12 to 24 hours at a time, or their physical bodies.  

“A” was a cheater, but she was blunt and honest.  She was down for most things and uptight about certain very random things.  I think she rubs people the wrong way sometimes, and sometimes that scares me that perhaps I do that too.  She forces her love and affection on others, idk if I could ever do that.   But we spent some time together, I don’t think its great if we continue, I feel like she’s low key scared of me too now.  

“C” not sure if we can really consider this one, I think there was definitely something going on, but neither of us ever made any moves so I guess we kinda both just stopped

“Ju” this one was rather special, she vibes with me the best.  What a great personality.  But there were a couple big turnoffs, her lack of passion for anything or drive to improve herself, her obstinate belief that one person had destroyed her life, and also being pretty, but not beautiful or hot.  It seems like really shallow things to judge a person by, and eventually I oversaw those and ended up falling for her.  Which is more than I can say for the other two.  If it wasn’t for the distance apart we’re spending this Summer, we’d probably be together.  But honestly, I don’t know how long we’d last.  Its honestly a big turnoff when they have 0 vision for their future and they don’t have a need to figure it out, or any passions they really strive for.  

the way her hair falls reminds me of my ex, why is she on my mind?

we both just came out of relationships, why are we flirting with each other?

I want something casual, but why does this feel rather real?

she asked me to kiss her, why didn’t she kiss back?

she cheated on her previous significant other, why am I falling for her?

The longer the unresponded message sits, it rots.  Turning an innocent question into a nagging sensation.  The silence speaks volumes.  I’m pushed to believe that there was indeed something I did or didn’t do that made you instantly unlove me the way Jamie Lannister last looked at his sister in Season 7.  I’m driven to blame you for not vocalizing what specifically it was that drove you over the edge, that it’s your fault I wasn’t the one to help you.  How could I? I’m looking back at the images you were tagged in on Instagram and I realize there were entire worlds you never told me about, so many secrets you kept to yourself.  

I still can’t believe this is the second time I dealt with a significant other with depression from afar.  It seems insensitive to admit this, but I’m more pleased with the way I handled this one.  And the simple fact that it didn’t work out doesn’t tip the blame in my direction but this time in yours.  

I thought that as time passed, I would gradually feel better, that I would feel less hurt, that I could move on.  But, I feel exactly the same.  The same tugging in my chest, the same anchor tying me down.  A simple smile requires so much energy.  My cheeks feel exhausted and heavy.  My laughs are loud and hallow, forced and unrefined.  I wake up from weird dreams of us in cafes.  I’m alone at a table and you’re all the way across the room sitting.  A grey figure next to you.  She’s pleasant, and your hair is done up, like nothing I’ve seen before.  You seem different, foreign, distant, and unbelonging.  

Each day that goes by, I find myself with another question.  What isn’t she telling me? I mean besides everything.  The emptiness between us is starting to feel more viscous, cementing.  Its chilling, curling its rough fingers around my arms.  You’re walking away and I don’t understand why.  The more I think about it, the more sudden it seems, the more my life feels like a lie.  What dream had I been living? What warm feelings they were, I just want to go back to them.  If this is my reality now, how did this happen? Was I that detestable, not worth fighting for? What am I even worth? Was I so easy to throw away, no fight, no argument, just something not worth caring about anymore.  How does that explain the last 17 months? I fucking hate myself, was I blind?

Did I forget what losing feels like?

Today my friend told me that some problems don’t have answers.  It’s a frustrating thought, especially in the context of relationships.  I don’t want to accept that sometimes despite anything you can do, the ones your love will not be next to you at the end of the day.  Under this pretext, the world seems unconquerable, unsystematic.  Why put in the effort when it can seemingly not matter.  Why am I trying so hard?

I have a slight hunch.  Living in rough neighborhoods my entire life, I knew looking at someone might mean its the last person you ever look at.  It was much safer to keep you eyes down, pretending the world doesn’t exist.  It excludes a less threatening presence.  Standing at almost 6 feet, I also find myself physically looking down to talk to almost everyone.  Being a student didn’t help either, lugging a large backpack everywhere I went.  Studying CS also didn’t help, spending hours hunched over a 15 inch screen and keyboard.  It only took 8 years of dancing to realize that the upright posture made almost every dance move look about 10 times cooler. 

Thus, action was necessary.  All those years my mother berated me about my posture was finally sinking in.  A couple glances in a mirror everyday and I would straighten up, look straight ahead, chest out.  Walking down the street, a quick peek at my reflection in the store front, and I would immediately tilt up a little and walk the rest of the way looking straight ahead, not at the floor, not at my phone.  

There are some really nice pros to not upholding an upright position.  I don’t dislike confrontation, but I do try to avoid it as much as possible.  An upright position invites interaction, and thus possible confrontation too.  An upright position physically takes up more space.  When you’re rushing around a busy city, its best to take make yourself as little as possible so you can dart around people and not shoulder everyone you pass by.  

Now that I’m in Berkeley, those are past times.  This city breathes a lot more than NY.  There is space, lots of it, and so I’m going to let my chest breathe, hold my head up, and be a better version of myself.