the real her.

But now I have something else inside still weighing me down. And it’s the fact that I don’t have a good paying career. If it’s two things in life that’ll define me it’s eczema and my career. My job pays okay but I’d say I’m still living paycheck to paycheck comfortably. I keep thinking to myself maybe if i had a better paying career I’d finally feel happy. I will never stress about financials ever again. I’d help my husband out so much more and I can finally breathe. But every job I pick doesn’t pay well and the ones that do are something I’m not too interested in to pursue it.

So I’m stuck again. Always stuck. I want to be happy!! Sure it’s a mindset thing but I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. Depression?

After yesterdays appointment I was heading to work. I decided to save on gas since there was still traffic and I figured I had enough time to enjoy the bus ride to work while I can probably catch up on some sleep. I got the the bus station around 12pm, I had enough time to kill so i stayed in the car til it was time to go.

This is where everything came crashing down and I thank god for a husband like mine. When the bus pulled up to the stop, I started digging around my bag to get my wallet for the the bus card. It wasn't at the normal spot so I kept looking around tossing around things in my bag, I even had to spread my bag wide open to get a better look. I searched my jacket pockets and even my scrub pants. No wallet to be found. I thought, well it's too late now I can either go inside the bus and pray my wallet is in my car or go back to the car and wait for the next bus. I almost decided to try and get on the bus but if I had forgotten my wallet on the chair someone would have stolen it by the time I got back.

I left the line and headed towards my car. I called my husband in the meantime to keep my company. When i got to the car i couldn't find my wallet anywhere. I searched my bag again and there it was, at the bottom. I started to get mad at myself because of all the time I wasted when I could have gotten in the bus if I had just looked hard enough and calmed myself down in that line. But it was too late. I started ranting to my husband and how I was tired and that my next bus wasn't until another 20mins later. He told me he was on the way to wait with me but I told him it was fine because the drive from our place to the bus stop would take about 15mins.

I had so much things going on in my mind. First of all I'm exhausted 24/7 from being pregnant. Going 20mins down south for a pregnancy check up then back up for work that would take another 40mins to an hr is a lot to think about. I have a chapter exam and a final exam all due by Friday-- and I don't feel confident enough to even take that final exam. And missing my bus didn't help either because I wasted time and calculating the time I'd get to work made me not even want to go to work because what's the point in working 4 hours when I could be home studying for this chapter exam and final. Then I have my husband on the phone talking about wanting to buy me a car because the one i have isn't safe enough for the baby and i but i can't stand the thought of a car because of his financial situation and mine. Like there's so many things i want him to focus on first instead of the car when mine works okay for the time being. Next thing you know he tells me, "I'm here." and I look at the time and see that i only have 5mins until my next bus comes.

Oh my god--i started bawling my eyes out. i kept crying and crying and tried to tell him why did he come here, it was a waste of time. He tells me, "instead of appreciating what he did i'm complaining." and i knew i hurt him. But that's not at all what i was trying to do. it's stress crying that's coming out but it's also the fact that i won't get to spend time with him long because i have to leave anyways for the bus. and i felt bad that he wasted all that time to comfort me when i can't spend more time with him. He tells me, "Don't tell me it's wasting time you're my wife. I'm coming." He knocks on door and i'm just sobbing. I let him in to sit in the passenger side and i'm just sobbing into his arms as he just hugs me. He asks me if i ever regret getting pregnant to which my response was how could you say that? he hugs me tighter and it calms me. i tell him what it was that was going through my head. we talk through it. i decided to wait for the other bus so i can have him longer. he tried to get me to make it to this bus but i told him there's no point in going to work. i had been texting my manager back and forth to get a clear answer if i could have today off but it's been taking a while.

i told myself if i don't get a response back by the next bus arrival then i'll head to work. He agreed. there was enough space in front of my car for him to park his car, so he reparked his car in front of mine. and hung out in my car until it was time for me to either go back to work or head home. 10mins until the next bus came i finally got the text telling me it was okay for me to have the rest of the day off. GOD I WAS SO THANKFUL. And I'm so thankful to have him in my life as my husband. i love him so much.

the rest of the day i was able to focus my time on studying and doing my chapter exam. now it's time to cram the next few days for the final. then once this is all finish, i can finally relax and sleep and focus on the last week of pregnancy.