Shouldn’t Be Making This Blog But I Think I’ll

My favorite game is to get a little drunk and just stare into them. And when you’re trying to find an answer to something, it’s like I can glimpse the beauty of your amazing brain through them and I long for every moment I get to look into them.

And your smile, and your laugh, warm my chest. And your mannerisms - the lilt of your voice and the wave of your hands, have been burned into my mind with such detail.

You may complain that you can never tan, but I think the color of your skin is beautiful. It’s not like it’s as white as porcelain, but it has that feeling. The beautiful, delicate, shine of moonlight.

And your arms and hands seem so delicate. How they stretch out - I just want to run my fingers across your bird tattoo.

And you do a great job at your makeup - a skill I will never have. But you without makeup is breathtaking. It just you. And I revel in any moment I get to see that part of you.

As weird as it sounds, I marvel at how skinny your legs look. I’ve always hated mine and how large they’ve always been, but yours just look so delicate but you stand on them so strongly.

And I absolutely love it when you wear boots or combat boots.

When I get to see those moments of how fiercely you love - it makes me proud to get to call myself your friend. The way you love your dogs. He way the only time I see you run is when they are in trouble. It’s a side of you I’m happy gets shared with me. How much you love your friends - and how I’m constantly surprised by your actions. And as much as it pains me and twists rh knife in my gut, the way you so passionately love your husband. The way you look at him after so many years still, hungry and devoted.

My style and dress is comfortable. I don’t feel that I present more feminine or more masculine on any given day. Yes, my hair is short, but it’s often bright colors. How much my boobs are out is based on how comfortable I feel with them in the moment. There are some clothes I really like and a lot of clothes I’m just not interested in. I don’t feel that I lean more feminine or more masculine. I just feel like me.

I’ve never really liked my style and wish I could find something I enjoy more but every time I do it’s much more feminine than I would like. Would I like to dress in more traditional masculine wear like suits and vests and stuff? Sure. But I also want the clothes to look good on me and I still want to present as a woman. Which is often the biggest issue because the clothes i want to wear and the hair I have present like a boy and I don’t really want to look like that.

So when I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I like I often land on - I’m me. I can’t label myself any other way than just doing the things and wearing the things I enjoy. And I feel that should be enough. To be comfortable enough to be myself and not feel the pressure to label anything about me.

But then of course I also don’t really know who I am. And so it’s the circle I’m stuck in and the more I think about the circle the smaller the circle gets.