My BiPolar Bully

Give your compassion to someone who wants to live.

No amount of prayers or hugs will ever make this go away.

I’m done with this life. I’ve been trying to die for a very long time now.

I didn’t want to live this long.

I’m not worthy of your tears or your heartache.

I am a lost cause.

Don’t waste your heart break on me. I was never worthy. I know that now.

I wish I wasn’t such a coward. This would already be over and you wouldn’t give me a second thought.

There’s no point in a suicide letter. I tried to tell you how bad I was hurting when I was still alive. You told me to cheer up.

Don’t bother with flowers and sympathy. Don’t try to cheer me up now. It’s too late. Cheer yourself up.

I’m sorry you knew me. I’m sorry for who I was.

I’m tired of crying. I want to move on to dying.

Remove the image of my face from your mind and heart.

I wish I could tell you about what is inside my head.

I wish I could tell you I pray for my heart to stop in my sleep.

I wish I could tell you that the good things and the joyous things still matter.

I wish I could be anyone else but me.

I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could tell you about the disgust I feel inside.

I wish I could tell you that someday I’ll get better.

I wish I could tell you I love you for trying.

I wish I could be anyone else but me.

I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could tell you about how hard I try.

I wish I could tell you about this war inside.

I wish, but I can’t. There are no more words,

Don’t Wanna’s & Just Gotta’s

I know it has been quite a while since I’ve blogged. Maybe you missed my words, and maybe you won’t even read these, but I still have to write them down...

My Don’t Wanna’s are really getting on my nerves! Lack of energy and motivation makes even the most enjoyable things seem like too much work. There are tasks to be done, plans to make, but I have no desire for any of it. There are responsibilities to fulfill, obligations to meet, and I won’t even mention my self-care (registering at next to nil). I try not to make promises because I’m not sure I can fulfill any of them. I feel so weary & lackadaisical.

How do I produce this energy that every day life requires of me? Where does it come from? Is there some unknown power force inside of me on auto pilot, because I sure can’t see it! What keeps going when everything else is shut down?

I don’t wanna, but I just gotta. Those tasks don’t take care of themselves. Dishes do not wash themselves any more than laundry. If I don’t take my dog out in the morning he won’t suddenly grow opposable thumbs so he can turn the back doorknob and let himself out. If I don’t keep up with doctor’s appointments and utility bills, it’s not like I have an Admin Assistant on the payroll handling things for me. No! I just gotta get my tail up out of that bed or I will be stepping in doggie puddles in the dark.

When I lose my passion for pleasurable things, or my drive or even patience with myself, I notice a difference in the world around me. Flavors become bland. Music doesn’t soothe me. Even the sunshine feels too bright, too cheerful and too annoying sometimes. The most important words in this paragraph are “I notice a difference.” That’s a very important element in all this, recognizing the difference.

Remaining Silent

Those of us dealing with mental illness are often encouraged to talk about our thoughts and feelings. Not only is talking or expressing ourselves a normal part of psychological therapy, it is also proven to be helpful to the human mind. But, what happens when we are tired of talking?

Especially during a long Depression cycle, I become a pro at self-sabotage. All those tools in my bag that I know will help me feel better if I just utilize them become disgarded clutter on the floor. Maybe in that moment I don’t want to feel better. Depression is way too comfortable for me, because it and anxiety have been my constant companions.

I am in therapy, and taking medicine, but what happens in the in-between? Why do I pray every night to not wake up tomorrow? And why, every morning when I open my eyes, do I dread the oncoming day? There has to be more out there that I don’t know about! What am I missing?

I’m tired of talking. I have been talking about my thoughts and feelings for over 35 years now. ‘Still trying to cling to life, but at the same time, too tired keep going. I’ve exchanged my empathy for silence. The more I talk, the less people listen. I’m sure they are tired of my voice too.

She knows how it feels to be broken.

She understands the words, forsaken and alone.

She knows what it means to give in just to make it stop.

She will always remember secrets and whispers of promises in the dark.

She gets it.

She carries ugly names in her pocket.

She has seen the end and it terrifies her when she closes her eyes.

She is always ready to either fight fiercely or fly away higher.

She pushes her own tears away in order to avoid the questions she doesn’t want to answer.

She gets it.

I snagged another beautiful analogy from my therapist. I know she doesn’t mind if I share…I have been struggling more lately than I think I’ve ever been. But, then again, I feel this way every time I struggle. It feels like there is no end to my jumping over hurdles that are thrown at me. Depression, anxiety, grief, chronic pain, parenting struggles, and financial distress are only to name a few of these current hurdles. When I mix in my pessimism, a history of abuse, my empathic soul and low self esteem and then wrap them up in my ugly Bipolar bow, it seems much easier to just give up than to even try.

 Herein lies my stinkin’ thinkin’. My own mind betrays me. It constantly reminds me of past failures and makes me fear having a future. But, instead of staying in my safe place, I venture out into the world anyway. I have destinations to get to, and here comes the analogy:

 Let’s plan a road trip together, say to California. To prepare for the trip, we will need to plot out a course on the map with the easiest route. We would determine the trip should only take a few days by car, and we make plans for stay-overs. We would also make sure we have enough cash to pay for gas, food, and lodging. Everything is set, so let’s go!

 As we are drive along, we run into some road construction, and there is a detour. We take the detour hesitantly because we still have a destination to get to. We are in unfamiliar territory and we didn’t plan for this, but we follow the signs until we are rerouted back to the highway we were on. Should we cancel this trip because of road construction? Of course not. We head back to the highway, on track to California.

 The next day of our road trip we encounter a major traffic accident and must take another highway to get around it. We may even get so off course that we end up stopping to rest overnight, waiting for traffic to clear. There’s an extra day added to the road trip and added expenses we hadn’t planned for. Should we cancel the trip and head back home? Maybe. But the next day we head back to our highway and continue to California.

 We have another day of good driving time and enjoy the scenery around us as we travel through places we have never been. We are still excited about getting to see California. Everything we planned for now is going accordingly until we have a tire blowout on the highway. We call for assistance, but it’s the middle of the night and no where to buy a tire until morning. So, we call the day a loss and stay again overnight. We are still thinking about California and how much we still want to see it. The next morning, we buy a new tire (another expense we hadn’t planned for), get it put on the vehicle and head back for our highway.

 Soon after, the highway we are traveling takes us into the mountains. We stumble upon road closures because of heavy snow and an impending ice storm. All major roads are closed, so we must get off the highway. Because the ice storm was so bad, we had to stay 3 days in a lodge. There are more expenses we hadn’t planned for, but we are so much closer to California now. Do we want to turn back now? No. The moment we have clearance, we head back down our highway. It took us a whole week to get there, and we went through so many obstacles and detours, but we have finally arrived in sunny California!

  That highway is our journey through life, and our destination is the after life. So many things happen to us along our journey that we did not plan for. Obstacles, hurdles, and detours are thrown at us constantly. Things like failed health, loss of income, or loss of a loved one can cause us to want to get off that highway and give up. But we all have the same destination. Even through the worst weather conditions we must keep moving forward. Even though we may have to take a few detours, we must push forward. For some of us it will take longer to reach our destinations, and others have their journeys cut short way too soon. Some of us will be loved and supported through our struggles, and some will fight their battles alone. The most important thing to remember is keep going.

I am a mess. I don’t want to be.

I am alive. I don’t want to be.

I am getting old. I don’t want to be.

I am me. I don’t want to be.

I am mentally ill. I don’t want to be.

I am an emotional wreck. I don’t want to be.

I am an empath. I don’t want to be.

I am a generous person. I don’t want to be.

I am a people pleaser. I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to be.

Swallowed up in sorrow, no one to hold my hand.

Knowing no one has time for my tears, but me.

Laid down in the dust, never again to stand.

Where’s The Fire?!?

I just found another analogy in a conversation with my therapist... WTF...where’s the fire?

While traveling on the highway, I am often passed by someone driving like a bat out of hell. My first, impulsive reaction to this is always, “Where’s the fire, Buddy?” Meaning, the person must be in a big hurry to get somewhere. Maybe it is a fire. I don’t know. But, I always wonder why someone chooses to drive dangerously if it’s not for a good reason. Fires typically come with sirens blaring and smoke and heat and danger. And I can’t see these things from the highway. While fire could threaten just about every place we are comfortable in, is there reason for concern if we see no fire or smoke? Furthermore, is there a need to be wreckless about it?

Now comes the analogy...that pesky little area in the front of our human brains, designated as the amygdala, can be a hot spot, too. When I am consumed by triggers and ‘burning up’ with anxiety, I tend to forget there is nothing on fire. The fight or flight responses I try to process through seem to get all caught up in my waves of emotion. I feel so lost, as if I have never had a therapy session in my life and have no coping skills to help me get through it. Often, I cannot talk myself away from the alarms, but instead I let them draw me in and I let it all consume me. I cry. I scream. I see no end.

But, where’s the fire? Is life so terrible in those moments that I should just give up hope? Or are my triggers just tricking me into thinking I have no control? More likely than not, the latter is true. Our own minds betray us in the very worst moments. Even though we perceive we are in a dangerous situation, there is no fire. The mind is a very clever thing, skilled in its use of smoke & mirrors! The ultimate deception is convincing someone they are powerless against a fake fire.

I would like to bring up the topic of traumatic triggers and the anxiety that comes with them. I know discussing triggers is a sensitive subject for some people, so I will try to be as gentle as possible. The most important part of why we are doing this is because we feel safe being here.

Let’s try to keep it simple and address my ornithophobia, or fear of birds. As an older adult, I recognize that my fear of birds is the result of 2 traumatic events that occurred when I was a child. One was watching Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” with my Dad. The other was witnessing a nesting mother robin pecking my Dad’s head for being to close to her babies. I then believed birds were evil and would hurt me or someone I loved. However, I could not spend the rest of my life afraid to walk outside my front door because that is where birds live. At some point I had to reach some compromises.

Now, although I am still afraid of birds, I can still enjoy pictures of them because I know it’s only an image and cannot harm me. I can sit outside and not be afraid as long as the birds stay in the trees and don’t get too close. If I visit a home where there is a pet bird, I’m fine as long as it is in a cage. If the bird is allowed to fly free in the home, I will not go inside. This may sound a little extreme, but I know this all works for me and has for a long time. I recognize where my fear comes from and how it makes me feel.

Trauma of any kind can become a trigger for us. We have the ability to learn about our fears equally as much as recognizing them. That is key. The more we learn the better we can react. This is how I am trying to react to all of my triggers. I admit I’ve had to fail more times than I have succeeded, but that’s still okay.

“Each day presents us with 86,400 ticks of the clock. You get to decide how many of them matter.”

Do something that matters today. Call that friend who has been on your mind lately, even if you don’t know what to say. Let the other guy have the right of way at the stop sign this time. Even if it goes against your very nature, be kind anyway. We are all feeling a little lost right now. 💜

Here is yet another blog about trees I discovered at just the right time of the year! It’s Fall in Southern Illinois, and the colors are exceptionally vibrant already! On any drive on any country road, I find myself in awe of the painted horizon. The reds, oranges and yellows seem to be adding life to the tree lines, and I find so much peace in appreciating the wonders of it. Most anyone who lives around here feels the same way.

Do you know what happens to trees in the Fall? I found these quotes helpful to understand more of the process from an article on browningtree.com:

“For many people, autumn weather brings a welcomed time of the year. Adding to the pleasure of the season are the vibrant colors displayed in nature. Leaf pigment, the physics of light, weather conditions, plant species, and geography all play important roles in the color of autumn.” (Treesaregood.com)

The first reason for the change in our trees is dropping temperatures. “With declining autumn temperatures, tree leaves stop producing chlorophyll, the green pigment of photosynthesis. As the green color fades, yellow carotenoid pigments already present in the leaves are unmasked.” (University of Illinois)

So, that’s what is going on with the trees. Basically, they are starting their rest and refortitude cycle to withstand the oncoming Winter. All living things must rest, including trees. Think about it. In a way, trees are showing us how important rest is and how beautiful it can be.

What happens to the human brain when we look at beautiful things, such as these trees? The body’s natural reaction to anything pleasing is the release of the feel-good chemicals in our brains: oxytocin, dopamine, seratonin and endorphins. And who couldn’t use a few extra of those?!? Taking in the country road sights, listening to music, eating yummy food...all have the same goal.

If you get a chance, go outside! There are beautiful things to see out there, and you will reap the benefits of those natural feel good chemicals! And remember to take time for yourself to rest. We need rest more than anything to heal naturally and fortify ourselves against what ails is. Listen to the wise advice from the trees. They are painting a picture for you!

Some things should never be kept secret. The worst are tucked away, In the darkest of corners we keep them, While ignoring their decay.

Some closets where we keep them Start out small and deep. The longer we hide our skeletons there, The more we tend to keep.

We change the doors and settle scores, By growing big and strong. But ignoring those skeletons gathering dust, Is everything that’s wrong.

I made a choice to dust mine off, And clean out this closet of mine Ugly secrets of shame and pain, Is where I draw the line.

I’m dusting off these old bones, Carrying them out one by one. I will make better use of them, Bleached out in the sun.

I didn’t make these skeletons, They don’t belong to me. I will carry them out one by one, For all the world to see.

Flora From Sidewalks

Have you ever wondered how much effort it takes for a flower to grow from a crack in the sidewalk? I’m sure we have all seen grass, dandelions, moss and weeds growing out of the most peculiar places. This is Mother Nature’s way of reclaiming the land, so it would seem. Imagine the struggle of these life forms to push up into the light of the sun, with the barrier of concrete and steel standing in their way. These plants and flowers must sustain themselves through their growing phases, using what little resources of water and minerals they can draw from the soil until they reach the rays of the sun. Having mental illness of any kind is much like the same struggle of these little warrior plants.

To push through barriers of adversity and trauma in our lives, we must also grow up and out of them using the available resources within us and around us. Often, we don’t have the necessary resources, but still make a way through them with what we have readily available. Negatively, these trauma responses come straight out of previous experiences. They may or may not be appropriate, but again, it’s all we have. There is nothing wrong with the way we have handled them because we may not have much to work with to begin with.

What are some of these barriers we need to push past in order to reach healing and growth? Each and every one of us can make a different list because our experiences are as unique as we are. My personal sidewalks are made from childhood sexual trauma, domestic violence, loss of loved ones, loss of trusted friends, loss of employment, single parenting, and I could go on and on. Having Bipolar Disorder itself is often heavier and more suffocating than anything else I have been through. My bully-brain has its own agenda.

But, look. I refuse to give up hope. I have already pushed through and lived through so much more than I ever thought possible. In the throes of trauma and pain it’s difficult to see the other side. It’s dark under that sidewalk. It hurts! But the light is still there calling. There is healing in that light. There is potential to grow, and there is a deeper understanding of what we have just been through. Just knowing that light is there is what helps me push through the heavy stuff.

Have you ever had to travel the highway through a storm of any kind? No matter the elements involved, it takes a skilled driver to keep the vehicle on the road safely. It can definitely get white-knuckle tense at times especially with heavy rain and gale force winds attempting to knock you off said highway. We are often advised to pull off to the side and ride out the storm; find shelter from some of the most severe threats. We are pretty familiar with those kinds of storms in the Midwest, in fact I experienced one recently. In the experience, guess what I found? Yes, another analogy.

It was a four hour drive to get home. Threatening storms came out of nowhere fast. But we still had to get there. We wouldn’t be able to stop too often, due to other mechanical issues. I started out onto the Interstate when I discovered my driver’s window would not roll up. Oh, boy! The rain hadn’t started and it was only windy at this point, so I pressed on. We stopped once and worried about the darkening skies. I checked the radar and saw that if we could drive another 2 hours, we would be out of the storm. I drove on not knowing about the intensity of the derecho I was about to drive into.

We only made it another hour, before it was too much for me. I couldn’t handle any more wind, rain and road debris tearing at my face and soaking my clothes. We parked at gas station, where I asked for a trash bag. I put the bag over the whole top of my door. And closed it so I could get a break from the rain. The winds ripped the trash bag so hard it was punching me in the left side of my face! I was trying to hold the trash bag down to keep out the rain. The wind would shift and all of the air would push out of the vehicle and into the trash bag going the other direction. Flooding rains. Wicked winds, crashing thunder and a network of lightning passed over us. I was honestly pretty scared, and grateful for that shelter in my vehicle. Three hours later, we were home, and preparing for our own turn at the storm.

I said all of that to say this: storms are going to come that you just have to push through. I’m talking about the storms going on in your head right now: the metaphorical storms that can be equally if not more dangerous as physical ones. What does it take to get through the storms in our minds? Are we even capable of pushing through them?

Mind storms are always imminent and often threaten our very existence. Some of my own storms seemed to be impossible to get through, but I did. You have the capability inside of you, as well. The level of effort to make it through is the part you control. When you can feel a cycle on its way, whether it’s depression, or mania, or something else, it appears like an oncoming storm. Fear sets in, because it is the storm’s driving force. We are afraid we won’t make it through this one. The clouds are dark and ominous, fully of lightning and wind and flooding rain. There is no way around these storms. We cannot ignore them either. The only way to get past these storms is to drive right through them.

I say bring on the rain! Bring on the winds that push us back! Bring on the thunder and the lightning of past failures! The more storms we pass through, the easier it gets. I know that you may not want to hear this, and you may not believe me, but it’s true. You are building your own storm defense skills for the next storm coming, because you know there will be more. Having confidence in your coping skills does not change the appearance of mind storms. They remain dark and scary. However, experience comes from pushing through previous storms, and you have survived them even if you can’t see it.

Sometimes it is safest to shelter ourselves against the storm, and ride out the very worst of the elements, before we push on. There is nothing wrong with curling up in a ball on your bed and crying your heart out. Healing comes in all kinds of forms, even that one. But, we cannot stay sheltered forever. It takes a strong heart to gather up the broken, dripping wet pieces and pushing forward with them. You have driven through your storms before, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this right now. And I, for one, am very proud of you!