tryna b more involved ya dig?

I try not to think too much

Cause when I do

I think of you

And all the shit we would’ve been

Now its thru

all I know is im empty

Try to fill in the places you resided

smile a lot, mom knows what im hidin

I escape to my dreams

And you’re there

Smiling at me

I want to confront you

Say all the things I never got to

But you’re not really there.

And all I have left is fear and resentment

Tearing out my hair.

I found god

Or at least I thought I did

Like you, he doesn’t seem to communicate

I sometimes call out to him

Like I call out to you

In my worst moments and my best, it’s always you

I can’t seem to figure out how to heal,

you should’ve taught me that

Hell you should’ve taught me a lot

My friends dads always had something to say

But when you came home from work

All you’d comment on was my bad grades

Maybe I wanted those grades because then you’d care

Maybe I didn’t want to be a check on your list, I wanted…

a father? A friend? They say all is fair

In love and war

But this wasn’t war

It was like a massacre on my heart

A mass shooting to my psyche  

And im hoping some man will do right by me

My mind is like an empty spiral notebook

Waiting for lessons on life

Or words to live by

Right now all thats written is a shitty poem

And an incomplete goodbye

Im sure you saw me drinkin

Im sure you saw me taking that white powder

Like my life depended on it.

And maybe it did at the time

Whats it to you?

You left, found another

Now all of a sudden I have another brother?

What. Like im supposed to care for him?

You said family will be there when no one is

How come at graduation

I saw you nowhere in the audience

I used to be proud to be like you

Now all I know is im entitled

To all these demons

Inside you, now they’re inside of me.

Like you, I push away those I love.

I don’t mean to

Its like I test their limit with me

Till they leave

I’m mad, im sad, and I miss you

But the good you,

Not the asshole who used to shove me against a wall

Not the man who hurt my mother

Not the man who made a ghost of my older brother

I look in the mirror and I see you

That’s why I avoid my reflection

I don’t see what you wanted of me

Perfection.

You never cried

Except for the day you had to reveal you weren’t true

Apparently you lied

You weren’t the man I thought you were

Or yet you weren’t the man you made me think you were

Why do my tears taste so salty?

I forgave you

The second you tasted the salt on your tongue

At the words you told me

My alarm should’ve rung

“This man is gonna hurt you. Run. Run now”

“Don’t face what he has done” nothing, no sound

I don’t have the killer instinct

Sometimes I think I do

You didn’t have the killer instinct

No matter how much you really wanted to.

I think at times you felt alone too

You felt the walls closing in on you

Those days you yelled viciously

I stayed and didn’t storm off

Because I saw the real man inside of you trying to break out and hug me

I saw that in your lonely moments you despised yourself

And I didnt  know what that meant till you left

Cause now I despise myself

And what I've become is what you feared

To see yourself in me, to really see yourself in me

You and I have become one in this way

“You are so much like your father” never the same

I wonder what you did in your past life to earn you use much misery in this one

Doesn’t matter now,

you left this vessel as quickly as the bullet left the barrel

I haven’t seen many dead bodies, but every time I do

I leave my own body, watch myself look at your lifeless form

What used to be pink and warm

Now just nothing

No light

No fright

No might

Just nothing