A Sliver of Feeling

I asked the universe for a simple sign and got it.  Then I received several more signs.  Falling in love with the idea of us left me euphoric and wondering what brought this about?  Is it the stars?  Is it the planetary alignments?  Is it the moon?  Is it the sun?  Is it a little bit of all of these beautiful aspects brought together in a divine union? It’s hard to say why these feelings have covered my body and clouded my mind.  All of our lives up until now somehow brought us to this moment in time of dusk, where everything is still, and calm. Everyone’s winding down from their long days of hard work.  A perfect shade of light covers all, making a warm hue out of reality.  Time to go home.

Slowly, finally the moon shows her face to us, and lets us know we are not alone. We are loved. We were always loved; we were just impatient, and refused to believe nature could have something as great as this in store for mortals such as ourselves.

Not courting, but magnetism. I still see the look on his face and the depth of emotion in his eyes.  I still hear the sound of his voice, softly behind me.  I still feel the heat on my face, of my love showing itself without my permission.  I still remember the many places he hinted at affections towards me, and never paying them any mind because the mere thoughts of us were absurd. And they still are, and we both know it. But something in the air feels different now, allowing us to consider this ship to sail. I won’t believe in a fairy tale romance or even a relationship that leads to marriage or monogamy. When something is good you don’t put ideals or expectations to it. It just is. And you let it be. You trust the process of being out of control of it all, and you give in to the tug and pull of the world’s infinite energies. You accept the slight madness and unpredictability of it all. Because in this is where the beauty of true love lies.

Chaotic as this life may be, we found each other. Maybe there will be more to this story, and it can be written once we learn to live without unnecessary fears. When we can vibrate higher to meet each other on another plane of existence, where everything is right, even if just for a second. When we can gladly invite abundance in to our lives without shame or guilt.  When we can feel without judgement.  When we can love without inhibitions or conditions.

You have given me so much hope

And you don’t even know it

The illegible style of your writing gives away your way of life

I love that you don’t give a fuck

I love that you are you and nothing else

I love that you want to change this world

Maybe it’s okay to not have all the answers. Maybe we will be able to love each other as we wish in another life time. Where we will live by the Sun, and love by the Moon. Where we will give up the idea that love is a certain way. As if there were rules in love.

Knowing he never loved me quite as much as I would like to believe. That I fell for his charm. That most of it was probably a lie, and I was just his fool all along. And still am.

Pain hits me in the most erogenous places sometimes, and I learn what trauma bonding is. I gave so much of myself to someone who doesn’t know how to see outside of themselves. I can’t make him feel empathy. More importantly, I can’t make him change in to something he is not. I accept that now. At last.

I quit him like a bad habit, and freed my mind from the irrational thoughts of us. But it still hurts when he tells me it was me who fucked this up, and it’s my fault we didn’t work. As if I was the only one in the relationship. Well, maybe I was.

Now, I clear my soul of hate and search within for the love I so desperately sought from him. There is no way he could’ve ever loved me the way I will love myself. It’s a process, and it will take time and dedication, but I see now that’s the only way.

It still hurts today, but I pray to grow from this pain. The sun sets on a cloudy evening, and I completely let go of the idea of him.