♏ortem3r.

[text]: I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.

[text]: I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

[text]: We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

[text]: I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.

[text]: two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

[text]: I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass

[text]: Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.

[text]: According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

[text]: You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

[text]: I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.

[text]: What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"

[text]: Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.

[text]: YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.

[text]: Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.

[text]: I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.

[text]: I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...

[text]: You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it

[text]: I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool

[text]: I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.

[text]: Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.

[text]: A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.

[text]: OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE

[text]: Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.

[text]: Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him

[text]: I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.

[text]: I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"

[text]: Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.

[text]: I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.

[text]: Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.

[text]: I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.

[text]: When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.

[text]: Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.

[text]: i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?

[text]: That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.

[text]: I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock

[text]: I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night

[text]: Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car

[text]: I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress

[text]: Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

[text]: Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.

[text]: I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there

[text]: She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?

[text]: We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.

[text]: So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together

[text]: That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.

[text]: I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that

[text]: Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant

[text]: Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night

[text]: I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.

[text]: Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.

[text]: I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.

[text]: How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..

[text]: Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you

[text]: I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family

"Excuse me, but you’ve got a little something on your face there."

"Well... this is awkward."

"I guess this is the part where we shake hands and say 'nice to meet you', right?"

"I've seen you here before, but I guess I just never had the courage to say hello before."

"I'm so excited to finally meet you in person! I've always dreamed of this."

"Sorry, but, um... am I the only one confused here? Why hasn't anyone else showed up?"

"Watch out!"

"Am I dead? Are you an angel?"

"Okay, okay, listen. I miiiiight have had a little too much, and I miiight need someone to help me get home. You look trustworthy, so let's go."

"I'm sorry--please, can you help me?"

"I look forward to working with you."

"I look forward to serving you."

"Stay still! I'm trying to stop the bleeding!"

"I'm not trying to be nosy or anything, but... I've been seeing you here a lot lately, always by yourself. I just wanted to say, if you have anything on your mind, I'd listen."

"Um, I know you don't know me, but I think what you did back there was very brave."