Quiet.

I have been amazingly content. Better place, better moods. New faces, and new changes in old ones. I feel free. At least more than I used to. And I want this and that to last. I really do.

We come and we go. The end of a term is a new beginning. Those we lost cannot be found once again. Some people are just not meant to stay. We have our own lives, and I cannot hold onto you. I wished to keep you close, but time and time again, you pushed me away, albeit unintentionally. Here we are, miles away from one another, and quite frankly, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be her, or her, or her. 

The days have begun to blend together so hazily. At times it is difficult to keep track of the time, of which day, of which week. I don’t lay to rest until the ungodly hours of the morning. And I proceed to waste the day away detached from people, avoidance of those who keep asking me what is wrong. I wish I knew the answer, perhaps there is none. An unruly vastness has settled in, and has made itself a cozy little home. 

Perhaps you should consider continuing this after graduation. There is so much unknown after school. Graduate school has never been a plan. I been aware of what my goals are for many years now. I have gone through constant criticism and doubt from others. I fear and avoid taking risks, but this has been the biggest risk I have ever set foot in. They say I’m still young, but I’m constantly waiting for the day I start living. I need to be in a place where I’m constantly moving. And a place where I’m happy. Even if it means leaving behind those yearning me to stay. But maybe those are the ones hindering me.

But it's time to find your strength now. There are always better feelings than when you're at your worst. We're so easily twisted by the words of those we have convinced ourselves we trust. Look at them in a different light. You will find the differences that weren't obvious at a moment's notice. Fade in. You stroll alongside danger. A hint, an air of someone grabbing you. A flash of panic. Heart racing. The weight pressing on my chest is unbearable. I can only say so much. I have let you down. How do you change the mind of one who is so deeply engraved in their beliefs. My lips are turning blue from the cold. I've swallowed enough of my sorrows. Cut me open, and I'll spill out, secrets and all. Then at least I'll know I'm in pain. 

An element of surprise. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes unwelcome. It's an honest imperfection. More often than not, we do not expect what happens, to us, or in general. What about the ones who plan every day of each month. Do we actually have that sort of tunnel vision. Where is there room for spontaneity; where do we welcome disarray in trade for organization. 

There's something absolutely precious about film. The way there is so much room for error, yet something so beautiful can be a result of so. There is beauty in the honesty of the medium. It captures moments you only see later when developed and it allows one to revisit those memories. It can catch moments caught off guard, and sometimes, those are the most valued.

When the mind is calm, love can be forgotten. When the heart is void with content, awareness is alive with clarity. When there is an over abundance of yang, yin disappears.

For so long you tread the darkness. Blindly feeling your way through the cracks of the walls, tiptoeing across the floorboards that creak upon your step. Stability often crosses your mind, but you've never been quite there yet. I need to be mentally stable. It hits you in waves, pangs of the pain, and leaves you lonely. Solitude is only sweet when we wish for it. But there is hope; the storm will pass.  Always darker days, before brighter ones.

From an idea spurs a concept. To a state of illusion and back to reality. Dreams can be disliked. They tease and they mock, they can affect you and manipulate you. But they're just dreams, aren't they? Shouldn't reality be the one to discourage you. Yet I keep wandering, keep lingering and clinging to these dreams, the goals, the hope of the future. Heartbreaking when those surrounding you are so discouraging. I keep dreaming..in hopes I can progressively turn them into reality.

I strolled down a street I once knew. There was a deeper appreciation of the surroundings than seven years past. I adored the city before I even knew it. It felt like a dream. As if I woke back up in the dark on my bed and I had never even left. But it was real, it was real. I cling to memories and I cling to moments. I dislike to let go of ones dear to me. If I could relive this again, I would do it in a heartbeat. Farewell for now my love, I hope to see you soon.

It has been ages and I expect nothing still. The swirls of this headache stay to accompany me. I have surprised myself and I surprised another. I dislike the angst from dawn till dusk and I dislike the impatience and restlessness. "Why.." The silence given does not strike care as nil. It is not always voiced, so listen. Half a year ago, I was giving up, two months ago, I gave up, and lost myself in the midst. I was fine, I was fine. And then I found weakness. This past week I found forgiveness. Four years ago, I was naive. Yesterday, I became a better person.

Rings of body positivism echoes through the hallways you stroll through each day. You've never been completely okay with your physique. You become malnourished and the rings embracing your fingers become a little looser. Cheekbones bulge out a little more and your rib-cage looks more skeletal than normal. And you keep quiet; you keep your secrets locked behind pursed lips. But all this is just a fragment of the swarm that engulfs you whole. It gets a little more difficult to rise for the day. Don't utter a word, because let's be honest, no one actually cares. "Be proper, be healthy. Eat more." Okay okay.

Little by little, slowly and surely. It is rather strange when you realize you've stopped giving a second thought to certain things or people who clouded your mind constantly in the past. And you now realize, life does go on. There are more important matters, and better things to invest your time in. The smallest and simplest things happening here and there have made me fairly happy and appreciative of what I have. I need good company when I wish for company. Oh won't you stay for awhile and talk with me.

The air is crisp and the chills startle your skin. Autumn is the annual reminder the dreaded cold days of winter are nearing. Where hot tea and genuine embraces are only a minute part of the remedy that you need to get through those dreary days. The leaves are dying, and yet so beautifully; their trees soon to resemble bare shivering skeletons. Winter has never been a season I particularly enjoyed despite the occasional gentle snowfalls. I avoid interaction and become hidden away, drowning in my own pool, mulling over thoughts. Pride will always be the strongest during those long months, I despise seeking help. Though for now, I continue to enjoy the breathtaking beauty of the Fall season, and anticipate the next coming months in grey weariness.

Maybe you are the spark, the little diamond in the rough. People advise you never to compare yourself with others. They live a different story, and a different life. They run at their own pace and a different track. You have learned to never compare people's pain with your own or others'. They are living their own hardship, and fighting their own battles. Though there are some obvious cases where someone has it worse off than you do. Regardless, the thought of failure has never been stronger at such a crucial time & age. You only wish to taste the sweet nectar of success. Such high ambitions and goals are set. You are seen as a foolish student and a dreamer. You want to be that flicker of gold in the dark, but those rusted shackles locked on your weak brittle ankles weigh you down still.