MEDIEVAL LAND FUN-TIME WORLD. 

❛❛ He/She was a Capricorn! ❜❜ ❛❛ Jazz Hand.❜❜ ❛❛ My junk is numb!❜❜  ❛❛ It’s hot in this getup, you choad!❜❜  ❛❛ I bit my tongue!❜❜  ❛❛ It’s beer and a ton of powdered donuts. ❜❜  ❛❛ I like to get freaky if you know what I mean❜❜  ❛❛ I can see your crack. ❜❜  ❛❛ Don’t look at me! ❜❜  ❛❛ I bet your crack went out with your face.❜❜  ❛❛ It means you’re pathetic. ❜❜  ❛❛ Who threw these poops on me?! ❜❜  ❛❛ Listen son, I’ll give you four cents each for them banilla wafers. ❜❜  ❛❛ Oooh girl you taste real good. ❜❜  ❛❛ Ooo wee she/he definitely gets a huzzah! ❜❜  ❛❛ Dude that’s______. ❜❜  ❛❛ Last night we met this cool guy, and he was______. And then we went to the firebug’s house and I was so good! Though _____ overdrinks.❜❜  ❛❛ Is that right? ❜❜  ❛❛ I mean she/he doesn’t just sip it, she/he gets trashed and unrolls my socks. ❜❜  ❛❛ But I eat shrimps. ❜❜  ❛❛ Man, I don’t know if I can talk to you if you got a stink booty ❜❜  ❛❛ Kind sir I’m the evil stud-muffin. ❜❜  ❛❛ How do you feel about guys who go “hadouken”? ❜❜  ❛❛ Do you trust toothpaste? ❜❜  ❛❛ Go have your butt checked. ❜❜  ❛❛ I bet that you were a vaguely hot woman back in your day. ❜❜  ❛❛ Today, I had a cheesesteak, then I got a walkman. ❜❜  ❛❛ I mean anyone who puts a slice of pizza on bread is a puka-chay puka-chay. That’s Aztec for lazy farmer. ❜❜  ❛❛ I looked on Wikipedia. ❜❜  ❛❛ A zeeba, zooba, zizzoo bo ba. That’s what it sounds like you’re saying right now ❜❜  ❛❛ Darth Vader is bad and his assistant is a mouse. ❜❜  ❛❛ MMm and he used the force to fix all his cats. ❜❜  ❛❛ Tell me how you found the kitten meat ❜❜  ❛❛ What they’re just baby cats, geez. ❜❜  ❛❛ You dress ratchet. ❜❜  ❛❛ You’re so mean, you’re SO mean!❜❜  ❛❛ Well you’re a big toot! ❜❜ ❛❛Well, you jerk, at least I never kissed____❜❜  ❛❛ Your dog is eewie and it stinks! ❜❜

RED NECK AVENGERS.

❛❛ I heard your brother/sister made out with _____ under the bridge.❜❜ ❛❛ Guys these nachos are spicy ❜❜ ❛❛ You’re a weirdo ❜❜ ❛❛ Cuz she’s disappointing ❜❜ ❛❛ My daddy doesn’t want me to flirt with you, but i want to. ❜❜

SEAGULLS ( STOP IT NOW )

❛❛ I love to groove and boogy ❜❜ ❛❛ Hey what’s that stank ❜❜ ❛❛ One day I was walking and I found this big log, then I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick.❜❜ ❛❛ And I was like, “that log had a child!” ❜❜ ❛❛ One day when you are older, you could get hit by a boulder. ❜❜ ❛❛ The seagulls poke your knees.❜❜

STAR WARS: A BAD LIP READING

extremely nsfw; feel free to change pronouns

from brian k. vaughan’s ongoing comic saga. feel free to change pronouns. // nsfw, gendered slurs.

Never worry what other people think of you, because no one ever thinks of you.

Sure, this will probably end up being another in a long line of emotionally crippling misadventures...but let's try to have some fun along the way. 

How is it possible that our parents lied to us?

Forgive me if I don't take relationship advice from a dead teenager missing her vagina 

Just go out there and get your heart broken in, so it'll be ready when you really need it.

Doesn't matter if it's personal or professional, a good partnership takes work 

Happy endings are bullshit. There are only happy pauses 

A child isn't a symbol, it's a child! It needs applesauce and, and, and playpens and an ass-load of other things we can't provide while we're on the goddamn lam! 

Just to be clear. Your exact words to me were: "Please shoot it in my twat.”

I'm not afraid of the world. I'm afraid of a world without you.

My mom once told me that a good relationship isn't where the other person makes you feel better, but where they make you better. 

Yeah, that's right. Flee in terror, bitches! 

What kind of assholes bring a kid into worlds like these? 

Readers love fantasy, but we need horror. Smart horror. Truthful horror. Horror that helps us make sense of a cruelly senseless world 

If there's an opposite of a honeymoon, it's the week after a couple's first child is born. 

Cool. So glad I got to do all this in a towel 

They can't hurt us, you big babies! We're intangible! Why are you guys acting like you just died yesterday? 

Well, robots are, of course, the monkey's natural enemy 

You guys have some kind of rallying cry? You know, "Avengers assemble?" "It's clobberin' time?" "Hulk smash? 

Try not to die.

There are only three forms of high art: the symphony, the illustrated children's book and the board game 

Oh, I abhor real violence, but fake violence is fucking brilliant 

After years of pitched battles, my father was ready for a significantly less stressful career. Unfortunately, he decided to try raising a girl. 

Here's the thing, everybody loves babies . . . but only in very, VERY small doses 

Dude, your husband/wife is gonna die! 

Suck my hemorrhoids! 

Have you ever been shot by one? Because I have and it hurt like the day my dog died... 

Your body's still, like, a wasteland of chemical imbalance.

Some people are haunted by their pasts, but not my family. I mean, how can you be haunted by something that never really dies 

If you find someone who can forgive all your bullshit... the least you can do is try to forgive them. 

Regardless of sex, everyone loses something in a war. But the first casualty is always the truth. 

feel free to change pronouns!

Don’t drag me into your male mating rituals.

Time is the single most valuable commodity in the universe.

Honestly, lies are sometimes the only reason I get out of bed.

Bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty.

Boy, are you going to be surprised when find out what I do for a living. 

Lies are a necessity. They are the source of meaning and hope.

I CREATE LIFE and I destroy it. 

Life is an act of consumption. To live is to consume.

You told me you hated your life and you begged me to do it.

I’m not your damn mother.

My mom says that love is just a fairy tale for little girls. In reality it’s just all urges and obligations.

You are a smart girl…It’s probably the reason why you are still single. 

Men don’t like smart women.

You don’t look well. I’m not sure success agrees with you. 

You look well. I think failure agrees with you.

A dream is the only thing that makes any of this make sense. 

Is he mad at me?

If he’s mad, you’ll know it.

You convinced your cousin to sell her eggs? What do you think she is? A … chicken???

I don’t care.

The more you care the more the world finds ways to hurt you for it.

I have more in common with a dog than with you.

I love dogs, I've always loved dogs.

It's like my internal compass points directly at Mr. Wrong. Maybe it's my genes. Maybe I have defective engineering, too.

My mother made me understand that every human society is a pyramid, and that some lives will always matter more than others. It is better to accept this than to pretend that it isn't true.

It can be difficult for people from underdeveloped worlds to hear that their planet is not the only inhabited planet.

You're the perfect hunting machine: fearless, relentless. You've been searching for one thing your whole life... and she's down there.

You should have stayed dead.

Are those flying boots?

Up is hard, Down is easy.

You know there are times when I actually miss you. Because no one understood this universe like you did. No one understood me

Your Majesty...

Feel my skin.

Double our security deployment. Destroy any ship that comes near the planet.

Technically speaking, I'm an alien.

The problem with Astrology? Total bullshit.

Welcome, your Majesty, to the over populated oozing cesspool we humbly call home.

Well, Congratulations, your Majesty. And my deepest condolences.

Can you say that again? Just the "Your Majesty" part.

When other people say it, it makes me really uncomfortable.

That really works for me.

You've never been stung by a bee, have you?

Don't touch my stuff!

Sharing has never been the strong suit of your species, Your Majesty.

[ muse ] ordered a blockade. Nothing is getting on or off this planet.

This must be The Hunter [ muse ] hired. Well-made, by the look of him.