I write with the stars.

My mother, she sees me as confused,

eperimening

going through a phase

broken

She beileves she has lost her daughter

denys me my pronouns

my name

myself

Refuses to see the  son shes always had 

the one coming into himself

her son that wants to hear that the words he heard growing up 

“Ill love you no matter what”

She has started to try when I started denying to see her

avoiding the tears

and the crys of “im loosing my baby girl”

I hold my breath every time I see here

hoping that one day she will grant to me 

Every poet writes a letter to themselves

This letter is usually to past self warning of what to come or to future self pondering of what will be on its way

This is mine.

This letter is to both the past and future but most importantly it is to the present. 

I write this letter to my now. 

To the terrified being standing before you.

Voice shaking and heart thumping 

The one reading these words trying to remember how breathing works.

The words tumble out in uneven intervals

some.coming.to.fast

some......takeing.....their.....time

This is metephor for my life

Somthing happen as fast as they can and others take all the time they can find. 

Maybe this is the reason I cut my hair that first time

and kept cutting it

Dyeing it black

Hopeing that maybe this would help 

And it did and it does and hopefully it will

Ill never be my mothers favorite

I was never my mothers daughter or my fathers little girl

This is hard for her to understand

She only sees what she hopes is there

She will continue this way

even as my voice drops and I become more of who I am

She will blame herself 

The same way she blames you for him leaving you

What she doesnt know is that you left him because He told you to

You stayed away after that because you noticed the signs only after the damge was done

You have nothing to be sorry for

You were not told that the abuse was not always visible. 

That pain would feel like tough love

He used yourself against you

Instilled a fear that had no basis

Youll have days when you want to unblock his number and call him

This is a bad idea, you know this but sometimes you miss the pain

In the mornings when the sun is just starting to shine into the room, that is always when you will find her the most beautiful 

That small smile that plays across her lips as you offer her your morning breath and a few more minutes of ignoring the day.

This is what love feels like

Wonder how you got so lucky to be with her every time you see her

Grieve your grandmothers loss with paint

She wouldnt want you to do it any other way

Get a tattoo that reminds you of her

Find all the pictures you can of her and save them

Videos are good for when you miss her

Her house does not smell the same and you will not see her as you wait for someone to unlock the door that has never been that way

When asked about your future smile and give the answer everyone wants to hear it will save you from having to exspalin further

But when a friend asks you about the future tell them with all the wonder in your eyes of where you plan on going and who you plan on being.

Dont forget to brush your teeth

and be sure to set your alarm

I cant do much

I cant even save myself most days

This may be due to the fact I dont think I desreve to be saved. 

Ill put my all into someone else because I can see in them what I cant see in myself

Many call this a flaw

But I see it as the one way I will leave a mark on this forsaken world

I might not be able to be who I want ot be in some peoples lives

But I will be there, I will be the best I can be 

If not for myself 

for them

because the best I can do is never for me

I dont care where I go

just so long as I am makeing a diffrense while I do it

the stars are said to move for no one

well this is just fine by me because I dont see myself as someone

so Ill move the stars 

The past 5 days have felt like Im finally home.

Like I finally know where I want to be

All these people

This place isn’t real

But the people here that Ive come to care for make it some kinda physical

I have 2 more days

Then I get on that damn plane

I have to leave and I really don’t want that to be

awbrainno   this is what I did all night

Things I never was or will be: Daddy’s little girl His girlfriend Her girlfriend Sister Grandaughter Niece A women in science 100% sure On time Half empty Half of myself Someone I’m not

There are words that come to mind every so often when I notice a new habit

Once we start forming relationships with people we pick up parts of them to add to our own being

These relationships can be anything from family, to friends, to partners. 

Now the family habits are a given, you’re around these people for years so of course you’ll all so something in the same manner.

I’ve noticed I’ve gotten a lot of speak patterns from friends.

Now the biggest thing I remember about being told that we get these habits from other people is we choose in a way weather of not to keep them.

I’ve had some particularly bad relationships.

One never texted or talked to me much 

I on the other hand now do nothing but try and keep in contact with my partners

There was another, did a lot of stupid shit but listened to a lot of country music

For the longest time I refused to listen to it

Now the thing with the music one is I listen to it now but that’s because a friend gave a new face to it

I no longer saw him and instead saw the friend and all the good times we had while the music played lowly in the back ground

I guess what I mean to get at is

We are everyone that we have ever come in contact with and formed a relationship with

Its not something Ive done for years

It started the same way as last time

Heat

Cause burns are easier to hide

The wax doesn’t leave a mark unless the flame touches you

You can blame the one on your hand from cooking

The other one on your arm from hot coffee or the flames from the grill

But it progresses

Just like last time

And I know whats happening

But I feel so much better knowing that its nothing new

Just like an old friend coming to visit

Then starts the small cuts

The ones that unless someone knows you too well can be exspalined by a cat

Or a puppy

Maybe even yard work

Its never deep enough to bleed

That’s not the goal at first

Its just the sting that you need

But I know where it does from here

And maybe it will end like last time

Or itll go on