Confessions of a so-called "adult" musician

I know this has already been established, but I’m actually so bad at consistently writing. Getting sick will really put a wrench in your life though.

So yes. Got hit with the sickness real bad 2 weeks, and my voice is still recovering, which is definitely not good, but more on that later. So yeah, that Monday night I started feeling not good, but my friend’s recital hearing was that morning so I figured I’d go in, and then I stayed for our coaching, but then I skipped out on orchestra, cuz there was just no way that was happening.  And that was a good call - went home, crashed, later took my temp and it was 103. Solid.  Beardy was super great, brought me soup and cookies and napped with me a little bit :3 But yeah, also skipped out on school the next day because 101 fever, and went to visit the doctor and they said I had the flu. I went in the next day and was absolutely miserable, but hey, got through the day (barely).

Anyway, life since then has been recovering and kinda just stumbling my way through everything that’s been thrown at me. Recital prep, concerts, ICCA prep, homework, tests, teaching, etc. It’s been great.  Haven’t really been able to work out, and I’m actually pretty bummed out by that. I did some cardio this morning for the first time in a couple weeks, and it was a bit of a struggle, but it happened. Just gotta try and get back into the swing of things I guess,

But yes, ICCA prep! We’re competing this Saturday (that’s 2 days from now)! And my voice is still not completely back. Which is concerning, but imma give it my all anyway. 

Got an acceptance to one of the summer festivals I applied to, so that’s pretty cool. Not my top choice, but it’s nice to know I have an option.

Welp. The second week has started, and I’ve already broken down a bit. Not because of classes though. Backtracking though.

The weekend was chill - basically spent the whole thing by myself and I got to just chill and get stuff done, which was nice. Started A Series of Unfortunate Events, and I’m very much enjoying it so far. Made some zoodles, and they actually turned out pretty good. Didn’t make as much as I thought it was going to but... that’s ok. I ALSO MADE CHINESE TEA EGGS AND THEY ACTUALLY CAME OUT SO FREAKIN GOOD I’M SO PROUD OF MYSELF like yay I have successfully cooked things that aren’t scrambled eggs. Although hard boiled eggs aren’t too far enough.

I think stress is already hitting me a little, and body positivity has gone down a bit... probably very related. That’s fine.

Last night was kinda rough though. Went over to Beardy’s and him and his friend were working on homework so I was just chilling for a bit, but then they finished and we got to hang. And you know, I had just finished my time of the month and was kinda feeling it, so I tried initiating and it just... didn’t happen. Which is totally fine, and he was like “sorry, this usually doesn’t happen, I think I’m just really stressed” and then he kinda mentioned how just kissing doesn’t really do that for him or whatever, and that’s all fine. But I felt like it was me so I started crying cuz I obviously know how to handle situations, and that just led to everyone feeling bad. Which was rough. But I also felt bad cuz like, going into it I hadn’t even thought about “oh, he may not want to” and just expected he would, and just felt like such a hypocrite, you know? Girls are always told we’re never obligated to do anything, and then there I was doing that exact thing. I was having a rough time.

Tuesday was GREAT. I only had studio, orchestra, and pedagogy, and the only other thing I would usually have on Tuesdays is a coaching. It’s gonna be great. But I finally got to meet the new teacher, and she seems aight. More on her later. Orchestra is still tiny af. We only have one viola student now, and there’s a violinist who graduated who’ll actually be playing viola for the concerts and a few rehearsals. Plus, I’m principal 2nd, concertmaster, and one of 3 violins for the pieces. Yay. Me and Beardy were supposed to go running, but ended up not because his last class was cancelled and my pedagogy class was kinda unexpected. We did hang out that night though, and he got me a chocolate milkshake cuz we went to Arby’s to get him food and I just randomly said “I want chocolate” so he got it and it was super cute. We also watched “The Cafe Society,” which was good.

Wednesday was a bit busier. Had Post Tonal, Spanish Conversation, work, and then rehearsal. Post Tonal won’t be too bad I think... and I don’t think Conversation will be as bad as I feared either. Obviously there’ll be a lot of talking, which I’m not great at, but other stuff as well and there’ll be plenty of opportunities to prep, which is good.  Got my work schedule adjusted, which is solid, and rehearsal went pretty well. We’re already doing solo auditions next rehearsal, which is kinda necessary for my piece. I also put everything into my calendar, and February and March are gonna kill me. For some reason, most of my assignments and tests line up during that time, on top of most weekends of February being taken up by a cappella, and then March is recital prep crunch time. YAY.

And then today was pretty good. Had my colloquium with the same prof I had it with last time, and that’ll be fine. Another round of pedagogy, and then my lesson, then orchestra. The lesson went pretty well - it’ll take a bit of time to get comfortable and adjust to her teaching, but I think it’ll be good.  After orchestra, me and Beardy finally got to go running, and that was good. He naturally runs faster than I do, so it’ll be a good challenge for me and will hopefully help up my average speed. And then we hung out afterwards and did homework and whatnot.

It’s been a good week so far. Feeling ok about everything. I have been keeping up the workout schedule, which is nice. I still wanna figure out exactly what I’ll be doing on what days, but it might take a bit of time for that - have to get used to my schedule and see what would be best when.

Funny how switching around two little words effects so much. Couldn’t really decide which one describes me best right now so... both it is.

Where I Am So yes, winter break is ending and school starts tomorrow. Super pumped because this semester will be the lightest credit load I’ve ever had (16, might get bumped up to 17 but that’s fine) and I have all this time blocked out to work out and practice and yay :3 I am excited to work out this semester - my mornings are more open which means I won’t have to rush through everything in the morning. I’m planning on doing a lot more strength and really focusing on doing specific parts of the body, especially upper. And, I can really use the mornings to focus on strength because me and Beardy are gonna start running together! I’m super excited for this because it’s something we both want to do and it’s extra time we get to spend together, and it’s different from what we’ve done in the past. So yay! Plus with health, I’m really going to try and get more creative with meal prepping - all I really had for lunch last semester was the same salad, so I’m going to try and switch it up some weeks. I’m pretty comfortable with everything about myself now (at least way more than I was at the beginning of last semester, I don’t even know what was happening there). Gained over winter break, but hey, that’s fine. I need a haircut, but that’s about it there XD Didn’t practice as much over break as I wanted to, but I think I’ll be ok. A little nervous about meeting the new teacher and having my first lesson with her be after I took time off, but it’ll be fine I think. Did some good arranging over break though - got my one song done for ICCA, and we started working on it and everyone seems to really like it and it already sounds good, so yay again. I really want to keep working on my Disney medley though, and I hope we get to do it this semester.

Where am I I feel like this is mostly feelings from winter break. I felt really... out of place, all of break. Probably for a few reasons. Physical: So my mom moved into the new house, and it’s great and all, but it doesn’t really feel like home to me. I think I’ve spent a grand total of 4 months in it, maybe. And it was really weird, because for the first week I was home, my mom and her fiance and already decorated the whole house but left some stuff out so I could decorate and they were really pushing it, but it was kind of frustrating because everything was already done. Plus my mom expected me to have all this house pride, and it’s hard when I haven’t really done anything there. Emotional with Family: I’m sure I’ve spoken about this before, but the relationship between me and my mom isn’t super great. First of, we drove back to NY from OH together, and my mom was super critical of my driving and just spoke about 2 things I did for like 3 hours and that was rough, and then kept bringing it up at home and even texted my bro about it when we went out together and she knew I was driving. He had my back though. In the first few weeks, she was really pushing me to do stuff, which is fine but she wasn’t doing it in a super great way, and then she kept referring to me as a child and it’s something we’ve talked about before numerous times so I kinda snapped at her about it and she kinda just brushed it off, but then really didn’t talk to me again. And then her fiance was always in the house cuz he’s basically living there so I never really got one on one time together, and they never really tried to include me? Like during dinners, they’d be talking but mostly to each other, and sometimes he’d ask me a question or something, but that was about it. The one time he wasn’t there for dinner, she spent the whole time on her phone looking at train schedules cuz I had to go into the city to get Beardy, and I kept trying to get her off her phone subtly, but she just wouldn’t do it. And then we were supposed to spend the day together, but it ended up snowing and then she spent the whole time with her fiance doing stuff. And this one is super petty, I admit, but she got bananas to make banana boats and made this whole big deal about how I made them really well, so I went into my room to fold laundry and figured we’d make them afterwards or something, but I came out and she told me they made them already. Like, thanks for asking.  So yeah. Maybe one day it’ll get better. Emotional with friends: Oh boy. This is where it gets rough.  So one of my first days back, maybe 2nd or 3rd, one of my friends texts me that her dad was having a party and I should go, but I was feeling sick so I didn’t go. My other friend that used to be super close to me also went cuz they’re best friends now (Idk if I have a code name for her? She’ll be Scorpio. The other one will be Avocado). Anyway, Scorpio is the one that’s gotten annoyed with me in the past for not keeping up communication in the past, and I didn’t really speak to anybody this semester so I figured I’d hear something about it. The next day, the bro and I went shopping cuz we went Christmas shopping together the year before and wanted to keep up the little tradition and hang out and whatnot. So while we’re driving out, Scorpio texts him cuz they also got super close (plus other stuff happened) to see if he wanted to hang out, but he said he was already busy and she immediately asked if he was with me and he said yeah, and she seemed to get annoyed by it and said something about me ignoring her. So once I stopped driving I texted her to tell her I hadn’t been, but she never responded. Anyway, we did our shopping and I had dinner at his house but then she and Avocado stopped by cuz she had some of her stuff in his car and she needed to pick it up. So he went out to get them and I think she hit him, which is just their dynamic I guess? But then she came in and acted super salty towards me and was a little insulting, and then said she wouldn’t be anymore but I still didn’t really know how to act so I didn’t really address her the rest of the night cuz I really didn’t feel like getting attacked. And I tried talking to Avocado but even that felt a little weird. I texted Scorpio later and we “talked” it out a little and I tried to set up a time to get together but it never really worked out. And the three of them had gotten super close over the summer, and they started talking and sharing pics and I was pretty left out and was kinda just sitting there. And then that was kind of the way it was whenever the 4 of us hung out after that. Like, they wanted to do a photoshoot thing and I don’t really do that so I kinda just hung around.  I didn’t get to hang out with the bro as often as I usually do, which was rough. But he’ll be coming out again and we’ll get to see Panic at the Disco :D But yeah. Beardy came out and we went to Avocado’s house to have breakfast together, and he noticed it too.

So yeah. I just realized I haven’t made a legitimate entry since the first week of school. Back in January. And now it’s the end of March. Huh.

But life has been really REALLY busy. And it’s been amazing and stressful and fulfilling and tiring and joyful and frustrating and wonderful and a good mixture of all those healthy things. So where do I even begin?

Well, let’s start where I left off - the concerto competition. I didn’t win, as I predicted... but neither did my pianist friend. And I was really, really shocked. But hey, that’s life, and I’m sure he’ll win the next one.

BIG NEWS - so that whole a cappella ICCA competition thing? WE FREAKIN MADE IT TO THE SEMI-FINALS. WHICH NO ONE WAS EXPECTING, NOT EVEN US. Literally, the entire build-up to it, my mindset was “god, I’m really busy now, but at least it’ll be over after this.” And I was wrong, but I can’t be happier. We had a retreat and went and performed and it just felt so good and together. And then they announced we got second place and we made such a ruckus on stage and were crying and god, it just felt amazing. And we got best soloist for one of the songs cuz he just tore the roof off for “Fix You” and people were cheering during it and it was so hard not to smile while we were on stage cuz he just put everything into it. And my arrangement got some good compliments from the judges, which was nice. The other group from UA got “Best Arrangement,” but our choir director (who is advisor for both our groups) came up to me afterwards and said I should’ve gotten it. SQUEEE. So since then, it’s been a lot of rehearsing, and the choreographer from a neighboring college a cappella group has been working with us and really revamped a lot of stuff. PLUS DEKE SHARON OF PITCH PERFECT, THE SING OFF, AND FOUNDER OF THE ICCA CAME TO OUR SCHOOL AND WORKED WITH ALL THE A CAPPELLA GROUPS ON CAMPUS AND WORKSHOPPED MY ARRANGEMENT and ugh such a good experience. He was such a cool guy and down-to-earth and just such a music nerd and just perf. I got so much out of it and he made a lot of good suggestions for my arrangement and our group sound overall. I’m pumped. But the semi-finals are next weekend up in Buffalo so... we’ll see how those go.

What else... lots of school work. Lots and lots and lots of it. Managed to finish up that leadership program within the first 2 months, so that’s not something I’ve had to worry about (thankfully), but every time I think I’ll have an easier week, something else comes up and kicks me down. Rough drafts of papers, projects, big music things, all that fun stuff.

OH. My brother came back out to visit during his spring break, and he stayed from Wednesday-Sunday, and that was a real fun time. He got to see my orchestra concert (which Beardy’s family also came to), we all went and saw a Joshua Bell concert together (<3), and I shared his first Insomnia cookies experience with him, and then he saw the Deke Sharon workshop, and then we got super drunk together again. Good times.

And me and Beardy are doing good. There were some rough moments during the lead-up to the quarter finals since I had to spend a lot of time rehearsing, and the retreat happened to fall on Valentine’s Day Weekend and that ended up being a much bigger deal than I originally thought and yeah... Everything’s good now though. I’m really happy with the stage our relationship is at right now, and it’s really nice to have him in my life like this. It’s currently my Spring Break, so I’ve been able to spend every day with him, which is a big change from the normal school calendar. He’s on co-op so it’s not the total day, but that’s been good since it’s given me the chance to go to the gym, practice, get stuff done, etc. We had originally planned on taking a short trip to Chicago, but he got in a car accident (he was totally fine), and we had to cancel. But I’ve enjoyed everything we’ve done together in the past week ^.^

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is probably in my top 10 most stressful weeks. Maybe even make that top 5. It’s been long and exhausting.

So yeah, it was the first week of school. I’d also be starting my first Spanish class in 1.5 years, AND the semi-finals of the concerto competition were on Wednesday. But first.

I get an email from my violin professor over the weekend that’s like “yo, here’s some updates and BY THE WAY concerto competition people, I’ve done you the favor of scheduling you a lesson. You’re welcome.” And I had kinda been on the fence about having a lesson - I hadn’t really practiced too much, and didn’t want to go in and be told how bad I was the day before the 2nd round. But the lesson was actually really good, and made me feel a lot better. So Tuesday was a pretty good day - also hadn’t practiced the orchestra music at all, so that was a bit of a struggle, but that was only to be expected.

Wednesday was long and exhausting. My Spanish class actually went a lot better than I was expecting it - I was understanding everything the teacher was saying, and we had to write a paragraph or so about ourselves, and while I was doing that a lot of stuff came back to me. Now that I’ve had 2 classes and have done some work, it seems like my biggest problem right now is remembering some vocabulary, and remembering the proper format of some grammar, syntax, and tenses stuff, but once I look any of that up, it all mostly comes back to me. So yeah, that should be good. There’s a lot of homework for the class, but I’m trying to be super thorough while doing it, and making flashcards of the vocab and grammar stuff so yeah. Hopefully I can keep that up. But anyway, work was cancelled so I had some time to rehearse with my pianist in the afternoon, and that went well. Went back to my room, and just chilled for a bit and got ready. Warmed up for about 30 minutes, and then I went on and played, and felt alright about it. I knew it was technically sound and everything, but it wasn’t at the emotional capacity I usually liked performing at? After that though, I had to rush to catch the last hour of a capella rehearsal, and we were working on my arrangement again, and it just made me so happy. Everyone was still so into it, and they made fun of how excited I got, but how could I not be? My music was coming to life in such an amazing way, with people I enjoy making music with, and it was so nice after the day’s stress because of music. One of my friends in the group had also done the concerto competition though, so we went and got food together to talk and wait for the email to be sent out with the results. Around 10:30, we decided we had waited long enough so we parted ways, and TWO SECONDS after we left each other, I got the email. And I made it through as a finalist!! Myself, my pianist, and a flautist made it through in the undergrad division, and a flute and horn made it through in the grads. I got really emotionally worked up, and I don’t even know if it was excitement? I was just really worked up - I called Beardy and talked to him for a while, and then I called my pianist to congratulate him, and try to work out the accompanying situation for the final round. So then I emailed his teacher around midnight to ask her if she could accompany me, and spoke to her about it in the morning as well. She came to my lesson on Thursday, and it worked out really well.

Thursday was another super exhausting day though. I think I was just super tired from everything that happened Wednesday, and after orchestra was over I made the decision to get dinner with Beardy for my sanity. We hung out a bit at his place, and he showed me this old mechanical keyboard he wanted to fix up, and then he took me out to Rockne’s for the first time, and it was all really really nice. He was super congratulatory and happy for me, and we just talked about actual stuff over dinner, not just your random small-talk. I really enjoyed it. Plus, he was making fun of me trying to figure out how to eat messy and hands-on food (since apparently I’m always such a neat eater). But yeah, it was a super nice night. 

Friday was alright maybe? Had classes and everything, and had a very short rehearsal with the clarinetist in my trio since my pianist was at a funeral. But after that, I practiced for a bit, and sat up in the atrium trying to work on stuff, and my pianist joined me and we just talked for a while. Went to my counseling center appointment after that, and we just talked about how everything was going and did a muscle relaxation kind of thing. I also decided to lessen the frequency of my visits - they’ve already helped so much, and I feel so much more comfortable on stage, and I don’t know how much more helpful they can be now. But we’ll see I guess. Went over to Beardy’s place after that. He was still working on his keyboard, and I helped him out a bit with that, and he showed me the first episode of “One Punch Man.” And then we were just chilling in bed, and I sorta had a breakdown... all the stress and exhaustion of the week kinda just hit me I guess, and I entered the stage of “everything sucks, I can’t do anything right, and everything in my life is just terrible.” It was rough. And he was super good throughout it, just holding me and responding to everything I was saying. And then we got pizza and went to sleep - and I had another breakdown in the morning. I was much more vocal about everything I was feeling though, and he helped address it more and just get me out of that mindset, which was really good. Definitely what I needed.  After that, we went out, did some shopping, and I came back for another rehearsal with my new accompanist, and to listen to my pianist play. The entirety of the day, during the rehearsal and during my warmup/practicing beforehand, I think it was some of the cleanest playing I’ve ever done on the piece. My intonation was pretty spot on, and I think my sound quality was pretty clear. So I had a good rehearsal, and my pianist sounded phenomenal. I’m 88% sure he’s gonna win this whole thing.

So the semester hasn’t started and things have been pretty good. But like I said, classes haven’t even started yet so... that’s probably the main reason why. And I know I haven’t posted anything in like 2 weeks, but break was basically the same thing day after day after day, and that’s not exactly conducive to fun updates or motivation to write deep things so... yeah. 

But things have been really good.  I flew in on Thursday and got to spend an absolutely amazing and incredible 3 days and 3 nights with my boyfriend. It was so great to see him again, and it took us forever to even leave the airport cuz we were just so happy to see each other, and then we got to his place and I opened up my Christmas presents which were all absolutely amazing. He got me new faux gauges and a beautiful edition of all the major Austen works and a book of all her smaller works and “Go the F*ck to Sleep.” Also some earplugs cuz he remembered me saying one time I needed a new pair, and some boss sweaters and yeah. Friday he had work and I went to the music building to practice and rehearse with my pianist, but then we just hung out and cuddled and watched stuff and talked and it was all so great. Some of it was grossly adorable and domestic but so great. For example, Friday we got pizza and wings delivered, and we ate the leftovers on Saturday, but before we did that we wanted to make milkshakes so we went out and got ice cream, but then got back and realized there was no milk, so we just had the carton between us and ate it out of that and it was just such a nice moment. It’s the little things. It was so nice to just be with him again and sleep next to him and be able to do whatever and yeah. The whole weekend was amazing :3 And he’s just been amazing overall and I still need to write that post about him, but it’s so hard to do because there’s so much to say and gah.

Had a capella rehearsal on Sunday, and the first hour was really nice because we just talked about goals and what the group means to us, and it was a good bonding experience. And then we rehearsed my arrangement and HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE. To hear actual people sing it, after a month of hearing poopy digitized voices warble their way through it, was so magical. Add to the fact that it was a group that knows how to sing together and have a connection and are my friends? It was beautiful. Like, they started rehearsing just parts, but once people knew their part they started humming along when another section was rehearsing and I could already feel it, and then the first time we put it all together just for the beginning section, I was so distracted by the sound that I totally messed up my entrance and was singing terribly but I didn’t even care cuz to hear it come to life, not even fully perfected yet, was just beautiful. And then throughout the rehearsal it was just really clicking and people were already getting into it and just getting stuff really fast. And then we did the final run through of the rehearsal and people were really feeling it and getting super into it and moving with the music and everything, and there were so many times that I was just so happy and it felt like I had a huge grin on my face - and then I remembered that that would affect the sound and I had to focus but still. It just felt so magical to hear the music that I arranged come to life. I mean, as a performer, we always hear that we give life to the ink on the page, but it was a completely new experience. I’m so happy that that is a moment in my life. And everyone seems to really like the arrangement. I sent it in to my director for feedback throughout the entire thing and she really liked it, and said really good stuff about it when she posted the PDF to the group, and the president texted me after she heard it and was super excited about it, and the main arranger of the group said it was super good after I asked him for feedback, and then other members of the group said the same thing as well. At one point, I told someone that they were killing their part, and he went “No, you KILLED this arrangement.” I dunno, I thought it was a funny moment. But yeah, I’m happy they all seem to be excited about what they’re singing.

But uh, yeah. Did a lot of personal practicing over the past week.  Definitely feeling a lot better about it, and I think I’ve gotten it to a decent point.... I just wish I had more than 2 days before the competition XD  Plus, I have a lesson tomorrow so I’m a little scared because I might get torn apart a little so... yeah.  But oh well, it is what it is. I already feel super proud of myself from the last round for just having such a solid performance in terms of confidence and being in more control of the performance anxiety, and I’m happy that I moved on to the second round. This time around, again, I don’t care if I make it to the third round or not. I just want to personally feel like I had a successful performance again, and show the judges that I’ve got something special. A lot of the judges are professors or directors I’ve had that I’m pretty close to and really admire, and it’d be nice to show them a different side of me they’ve never seen before, because Bruch definitely brings that out. And I think I can do it. I’ve just gotta find that inner confidence again.