because of my DID no one takes my abusive mother seriously :) they all expect me to just be able to handle it because in the past i have been but honestly i dont ever want to see or speak to that woman
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Show & Tell
Claire Keane

Kaledo Art
taylor price
sheepfilms
trying on a metaphor

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Today's Document
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Game of Thrones Daily

Origami Around

⁂
Acquired Stardust
hello vonnie

Product Placement

Kiana Khansmith
art blog(derogatory)

Discoholic 🪩
seen from Canada

seen from India
seen from Malaysia

seen from Malaysia

seen from Brazil

seen from India

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from United Kingdom
seen from Germany

seen from Ukraine

seen from Malaysia

seen from Germany

seen from Australia

seen from United Kingdom

seen from United Kingdom

seen from Italy
seen from Malaysia
seen from Australia
seen from Germany
@mushysys
because of my DID no one takes my abusive mother seriously :) they all expect me to just be able to handle it because in the past i have been but honestly i dont ever want to see or speak to that woman

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
There are in fact times being a black system is dangerous.
white-presenting alters forgetting the bodies race can be dangerous. we once got approached by cops waiting for our white partner to get off of work. they had their hands on their guns before we even had the chance to talk back. we didnt quite escalate it but we definitely didnt deescalate either. we responded in kind to their rudeness because we werent doing anything wrong. simply walking around an empty parking lot so we didnt fall asleep waiting. if not for our white partner noticing and immediately coming to our rescue all sorts of things could have happened.
There were times when we were followed around stores while already in a paranoid state and if not for safegaurds would have flipped out on those people.
part of our system forming was because the way black bodies are policed. we have alters whos whole role is to safe guard us. to keep track of code switching. to know how to react to police to microagressions to danger.
i once worked at a cafe whos owners had ties to the KKK (LIKE LITERALLY THE KKK) and di not pick up on being financially abused by the place because we needed the money. we couldnt lose the job. so our brain ignored the red flags until i was alone with the owner and bam flood gate of racism and microagressions and names of churchs and friends came flooding back because my brain knew being alone with him was too much too dangerous.
even in my pysch eval there was a segment talking about my systems need to stay functional. because black peole who cannot stay calm who cannot perform get murdered they get hurt.
no matter how much healing we do there will always be parts i have to keep BECAUSE we are black. i have paranoid delusions that tell me the government is out for me. cant get that to 0 because the government does want black people dead! hyper vigilance can hurt me. but i need to be careful and keep an eye on the white people around because being relaxed around the wrong white people is DANGEROUS! most people who specialize in DID are white! there are obstacles for us that arent there for others and it sucks because most of the time these things are disreguarded in the conversations around this disorder.
The reason that being black and a system is dangerous is dissociative barriers between parts. you only get these WITH TRUAMA! i try not to focus on endos because my main focus is recovery. period. your journey has nothing to do with mine. but the reason i made this post and every post is because im a DISORDERED SYSTEM! I HAVE DID. DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER. I speak on my experience being a black system. which is hard and sucks. the headaches, the anxiety, the memory loss, the loss of function, the loss of childhood, the confusion, the pain. okay? these things happened to me because i am a traumatized individual. you do not experience these things if you are not. period. you can say yoi have alters you can be endogenic. but if you think this applies to you and you are endogenic you are either racist or misunderstand how racism works. and you very much do not understand the trauma racism inflicts.
am i trans or did the DID just make me wanna be a puppy
there is a level trauma just being black in america especially if not even your home feels safe. that to speak up to advocate for yourself is inherently dangerous.
that safe adult conversation is different when youre black. you dont flag down police if youre scared and lost or hurt. because they might hurt you too.
guidance counselors and teachers? they might not believe you at all because your black. they might call cps which is 10x more likely to just snatch kids from family and throw them into institutions.
you try to find hobbies and are constantly told theyre not for you. comic books, reading, skate parks, anime, tv, movies, animals, etc. you try to get out go for a walk and there will be white people who feel they have the right to hurt you.
you try to figure out romantic and sexual connections and feelings well youre being too fast to grown. not to mention the adultification and sexualize of black kids.
youre forced to swallow your feelings constantly. youre taught to never make a fuss. youre taught your feelings dont matter. you cant do or be or think without being wrong.
mental health isnt talked about in the black community. finding black therapists who understand is incredibly difficult. finding a black CHILD therapist ooo girl theu exist but not many of them.
add in poverty, rural areas and more and you got a kid whos only solution is dissociation.
LMAO meant to post this to this account
but anyway didnt even talk about the medical field BUT! let me add in every adult who is supposed to be a “safe” adult for children is warped by race. doctors, therapists, social workers, nurses, teachers, police, emts, pastors, community centers even fucking firemen.
because these people 1. arent being checked for racial bias. some of their training includes like active racism. 2. they know better than anyone that no one cares about black and brown kids. they go missing at higher rates. they get taken and abused at higher rates. they get found and helped almost never.
but the point is like i think similarly to autism most research and documentation of did and dissociative disorders is based on white presentations. im sure we would see that like 1% number increase if the world like cared about black people. not to mention most black people in mental crisis do not get sent to get help. they get arrested.
let me just also add this is why black “non traumatized” systems make me so sad. because baby like you are truamatized! youre black! in america! its ok! you didnt need to be hate crimed! you grew up watching kids just like you on tv being gunned down by people who were supposed to be safe! im sorry someone told you that wasnt enough! its not just code switching! baby youre truamatized!
there is a level trauma just being black in america especially if not even your home feels safe. that to speak up to advocate for yourself is inherently dangerous.
that safe adult conversation is different when youre black. you dont flag down police if youre scared and lost or hurt. because they might hurt you too.
guidance counselors and teachers? they might not believe you at all because your black. they might call cps which is 10x more likely to just snatch kids from family and throw them into institutions.
you try to find hobbies and are constantly told theyre not for you. comic books, reading, skate parks, anime, tv, movies, animals, etc. you try to get out go for a walk and there will be white people who feel they have the right to hurt you.
you try to figure out romantic and sexual connections and feelings well youre being too fast to grown. not to mention the adultification and sexualize of black kids.
youre forced to swallow your feelings constantly. youre taught to never make a fuss. youre taught your feelings dont matter. you cant do or be or think without being wrong.
mental health isnt talked about in the black community. finding black therapists who understand is incredibly difficult. finding a black CHILD therapist ooo girl theu exist but not many of them.
add in poverty, rural areas and more and you got a kid whos only solution is dissociation.
LMAO meant to post this to this account
but anyway didnt even talk about the medical field BUT! let me add in every adult who is supposed to be a “safe” adult for children is warped by race. doctors, therapists, social workers, nurses, teachers, police, emts, pastors, community centers even fucking firemen.
because these people 1. arent being checked for racial bias. some of their training includes like active racism. 2. they know better than anyone that no one cares about black and brown kids. they go missing at higher rates. they get taken and abused at higher rates. they get found and helped almost never.
but the point is like i think similarly to autism most research and documentation of did and dissociative disorders is based on white presentations. im sure we would see that like 1% number increase if the world like cared about black people. not to mention most black people in mental crisis do not get sent to get help. they get arrested.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
was never taught to take care of my natural hair and now that im doing it i love it :) it helps with time tracking, gives us a daily routine, forces usto connect with our body in a way that doesnt feel bad :) i love our curls
currently growing it out to have some more diversity in styles for different alters
going to try doing twists this month maybe :) our skill level on hair changes so we’ll see
heyyyyy actually not pro endo. i dont believe theres anyway to be “plural” without a disorder
like i dont wanna argue about it because honestly had nothing to do with me and my healing like with whatever yall got going on but just saw some following me and wanted to say so <3 and appologize for not having tht anywhere so i am gonna block yall
Just now getting the hang of like daily hygiene and wow people just look in the mirror thisoften? we dont often look in the mirror and like freak oit. but its like really reshaping how we see ourselves. like i dont think i look 16 anymore
i want to mask. i have masks. i just keep fuking forgetting to out them on FUCK
didnt get my to do list completed before work today.
my immediate thought was “wow what a useless host”. there are so many times when im too burntout of tired or dissociated to do things. things that other alters slip in to help with. and i cant quite separate myself from the idea that i should be ableto do everything for my system too.
but im not a useless host. because i still got up. brushed my teeth. took care of the dog. got us to work. im still doing things. theres time to do things when im home. everyday we keep living a life we have decided on im doing the right thing. i make mistakes like everyone even non systems. just because im not perfect doesnt mean im doing doing good. just because i struggle doesnt mean im not doing good.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
The Face of Another (1966) dir. Hiroshi Teshigahara
can never think of an intropost for this blog because yes talk to me engage but also dont and dont look at me but also like i want ro hear and connect with other black systems but i also dont wanna weed through syscourse and people
oh wow im having such a good clear day!
its not me at all
sometimes part of strengthing communication is pretending you are xyz until they can actually fromt
i dont mean like pretend pretend but wearing g’s boots have been helping. doing things that o does. like simple small habits. just because theyre not here to do xyz doesnt mean our brain stops needing xyz
crazy how much medical abuse my parents got away with using the fact that the medial system was racist to gaslight us
crazy how much medical abuse we went through period imo

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
for someone whos been living on the idea that if i can just xyz together. then everything will be better. the whole life keeps going after the better is stupid and awful. what do you mean even if i have gotten us somewhere safe, even if i have secured a job that isnt actively killing me, even if ive created space between me and my family. like im still kinda gross and unhuman. i feel bad still.
but thinhs should be good because i did the xyz.
SYSTEM INFOGRAPHICS
SUB-SYSTEMS: " Subsystems are groups of alters within the system, or alters with their own alters "
SIDE-SYSTEMS: " Side systems are systems disconnected completely from the main system, caused by forced and intentional dissociation from a programmer " . "system hoppers are a ramcoa coined and exclusive term to refer to alters who can go between the main system and side system"
LAYERS: " Layers are still a part of the main system, but are often literally on top of or under the main system. they can be described as a large subsystem with higher dissociative barriers and often their own innerworld. Unlike sidesystems they are not inherently formed via intentional dissociation by programmers, and alters from different layers or the main system can still be aware of them and the layers existence "