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i need to change my life right now. i haven’t been living well or doing anything that i want to do in life. im so mean to myself recently. this has to change.

cool yeah definitely a dopamine crash out, i definitely didn’t eat anything today and barely ate yesterday and things are getting weird in my head. i took my psych meds and i’m getting sleep. i think i might have been going a little overstimulation crazy too. i didn’t realize it until i felt the wave of relief about being alone in my apartment. this has been my depression hovel for months. it feels so uncomfortable to grow out of it but it’s good for me. i think i need to incorporate more alone time and time with people outside of work. this tight knit and heavily intertwined work network is exhausting to navigate. i think thats why ive been panicking so hard. it’s impossible to disconnect my work and my personal life right now.

i think maybe i’m having an episode??? i can’t tell if it’s manic or depressive but i need stimulation my skin burns with how bad i want to hurt myself im not okay im amazing im terrible im a bad person im untouchable im so lost please someone help help help please im begging someone to see me please im so alone nobody knows me what does knowing somebody even mean im so lost please someone help please why can’t i talk to anyone about this im so desperate to be known i cant handle it im begging someone please please help me

i’m filled with so much grief and i have no where to put it. it’s eating me alive. i’m more present than i’ve been in the past few weeks but the void is gnawing at my soul. i feel like pieces of a broken vase floating in water. everything is moving inside of me and nothing can come back together. i need help but i don’t even know what help i need or who to ask for it. rahul saying that i seem like i don’t have a support system in my personal life really got me. i know that i dont, but its hard to know that other people can see that. i’m so desperately begging for love from every person in my life and everyone can see it. i’m embarrassed. i keep randomly bursting into tears and i don’t know how to make it stop. i don’t know what inside me is fixable anymore. i can’t handle the wild swings between feeling completely together and completely lost. i don’t know who i am anymore. i don’t know how to find myself. i’m so alone.

i can’t sleep. i’m not really sure why. i’m so tired. i have to go back to the real world tomorrow and im dreading it a little. my life was a mess when i left, even though i was afraid to admit it to myself. i was not treating myself kindly. i hope when i go back i can keep this momentum. i feel clear headed for the first time in a while. i think im going to get serious about quitting weed and nicotine. the nicotine just hurts my head at this point. reducing my usage this much has made the side effects so much more apparent and gross. and i think i finally feel mentally present and connected to the world around me because i haven’t smoked in a week. i was smoking every day, often multiple times a day just before this. i never wanted to be like that. i felt no joy or motivation. just foggy endorphins or depression. that’s not living. i want more for myself. i’m going to spend the day resetting my life and getting my shit together and hopefully i can maintain it once i rebuild that foundation. it isn’t going to be easy, but easy doesn’t make you stronger. i miss feeling strong and capable. i have not been in control of myself and i have been refusing to see that control is taken not given when it comes to my own life. i am refusing to be a passenger. i am in charge of my own self actualizing story.

i’m starting to see how much really needs to change in my life to make me genuinely happy. i haven’t been very happy recently, and i felt like i was losing the ability to make myself happy. all of this running around and socializing and having new experiences and pushing myself to do hard things because i know im working towards an outcome. i don’t think i was doing anything with a clear goal in mind. i have moved past just surviving, and instead have gotten stuck square in just existing. it’s an improvement, but it isn’t living yet. i don’t know what i’ve been waiting for. my life has already started. it’s happening every day. i just need to make it into what i want it to be. there are actionable steps i can take to the future that i want. i just need to do it. there’s only doing it or not.

this trip has made me realize how off kilter my recent trajectory has been. i’ve been so focused on all the wrong things and smoking myself stupid every day to quiet the noise of my intuition telling me that i’m in the wrong place and doing the wrong things. i am not taking care of myself the way that i should be. i am not taking care of others in the way that i want to. i have an obligation to care for the people that i love, and i have been failing miserably at that. i have been so focused on trying to find love for myself that i haven’t created a situation that can foster love. it must be freely given to be received. my capacity for love has withered and died. i am such a deeply unempathetic person recently. i have been moving through life like the things i have are owed to me, and i have not done the work to maintain them and nourish them. i have not been building the garden that i want.

why do i keep doing this to myself actually

can casual fucking exist please

there is nothing that i can’t give myself. i can have sex and not come all by my lonesome

i need to clear my roster right now. this shit is too messy and is taking too much of my energy and time. i think not having a romantic interest would be so good for me right now. things with i are bad. he’s so much crazier and more unstable than i realized. now that im taking a higher dose of my meds it doesn’t seem fun anymore. it’s exhausting. i dont want to pick a fight or to feel like i have to control my actions to not upset him. it’s annoying and i can feel myself eroding away with him. talking to the other russian guy made me realize that there is absolutely no substance with him. we had such a good conversation about world politics and the value of life and even with the language barrier it was engaging and interesting. i’ve never had a conversation with i like that. and the sex that we had after this last time was bad. the way he got off to telling me that i need to listen to him because he’s the man. in a kinky wag that stuff is fun, but it isn’t just kink to him. i know he actually thinks like that. he doesn’t actually value what i think or feel, it’s all just an inconvenience to him. he doesn’t realize that he’s using me for my resources because he only ever sees women as a means to provide for men. it’s sickening honestly. and i can’t respect him after the way he acted this weekend. showing up to my job drunk and refusing to leave and trying to start drama with my friends and coworkers and then saying it was all a joke? even if he says he was wrong and he’s embarrassed with how he acted. that shit is gross and i can’t recover from that. any interest in keeping this going is gone. i knew he wasn’t going to be good for me but this is so much worse than i anticipated. i’m going to reach out tomorrow and talk to him about ending this. i genuinely don’t feel safe around him. i’m so worried about him showing up to my apartment and pushing my boundaries more. i’m going to pack up all of his things that he left at my place and leave it at his work. i can’t do this shit anymore. i need to have that conversation with j too. i don’t want to do that when he’s so sick, but maybe once he gets better ill set up a time. all of the things that he said when he was sick icked me out so bad. i’m just sick of feeling gross and bad because of men. it isn’t worth my time or energy. i should be investing that effort into myself. i deserve to be loved by myself.

oh. i just don’t believe that someone can genuinely love me so i lash out and push them away when they care because it feels fake and performative and i prevent myself from feeling anything that isn’t fake or performative with people that i know im incompatible with to subconsciously affirm this unrecognized inclination while getting the satisfaction of hurting myself at the cost of hurting others. pointillism moment.