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truly. what the fuck am i doing with my life. this is brainless behavior

i don’t have the energy for this anymore. i want to sleep forever. my life doesn’t even feel like my life anymore. i don’t feel like i have anywhere to let my guard down and just be myself. it’s exhausting. i want to do things right but i don’t feel like i have the energy to.

i honestly think i’m just a bad person. i can think all of the kind thoughts and have a soft demeanor but when it comes down to it, i mistreat the people closest to me at every chance. i don’t know how to love. i don’t know what’s broken in me but i can’t be loving and kind to people who really know me. knowing me is a punishment that can only be realized once the mistake of getting close to me is made. i don’t know how to change. i don’t want to be this person anymore. i’m so violently suicidal.

so time to deal with the consequences of my actions i guess. it isn’t the worst thing. i made the same mistake that ive made in the past and now i have the opportunity to handle it differently. i’m not going to hide from this one. there isn’t anything that can happen that isn’t deserved. i don’t want to be in this relationship anyways. i don’t want to be with him. he doesn’t make me feel good. but i’m trying to come to grips with the fact that my friend told him and she lied about it to me. i get wanting to tell him. she has a good heart and she can’t hold a secret to save her life. i should have known this about her. but still. this situation got so out of hand so fast. i feel so shitty for all of this. i don’t want to act out on my emotions but i truly don’t think i can see either of them right now. i can’t be stuck in this same shitty apartment in the same bullshit situation i created for myself before. i can’t do this the same way again.

i need to stop doing this to myself. i need to learn how to set proper boundaries and not let people walk all over me. i’ve done better recently than i have in the past but this is getting out of hand. i hate this so much. i didn’t want him here and i knew that and i still just let him into my life. i don’t know why i can’t stop this.

he’s breaking my heart. i was so afraid to be hopeful about how this would go and i think i was right to. when he left i was heartbroken but i had this sinking feeling like it was for the best. like the person that i needed to be to be with him could only exist in that moment and for that time. he’s so childish and immature. i truly feel like such a fuck mommy. i don’t know why i ever put up with this treatment before. i know this is how he used to talk to me and i used to just laugh it off. i was so used to mistreatment that i put up with it. i’m just not the kind of person who can deal with that anymore. i’m not interested in long suffering in the pursuit of love. i’m so sad. i really expected a lot out of him and it feels like this would have been easier if i just wanted less. i don’t want to have to suppress my wants and desires to fit into what he can offer me. it’s so fucking sad.

i have to be kinder to myself and give myself grace. i can’t be kind to anyone else if i don’t start with myself.

i’m sick of feeling like crying. i feel so broken and i don’t even have a good reason why. im so disconnected from my own needs. i’m spiraling out and i just feel like i need time. just time to reset time to breathe time to sleep time to make things right. i dont have enough time for anything anymore. i’m rotting.

i feel like i want to talk and get things out of my head but i have nothing to say. i’m so empty right now. i want to feel again but i just don’t.

i haven’t cared about anything in a long time i think. i remember what it felt like to care. i just don’t anymore. i can feel the void gnawing away at me. i don’t know what to do.

screaming crying begging for help. i don’t know what the help i need is and i certainly wouldn’t accept it if it was offered but im going to scream and cry anyways. this feels like a toddler temper tantrum.