mungbun

this past week was my first week back at school. it was really rough. i've never felt more insecure in my life... i really tried not to cry but i still did a couple times. everyone's been very nice so far. maybe it's the shock of having so much to do all of a sudden, but my brain is struggling to process information at its normal speed... or have i always been very slow? 

i'm a science reporter for the quarter. i understand nothing about anything so it's kind of a hard job hahaha... ahhh. one of the weeks i have to shadow a scientist for three days, see the ins and outs of their job and research or whatever they do. do you know any scientists in california? my teacher received a grant for our class so we can each spend $500 to travel somewhere for this practicum. sounds cool, right? :) if you think of anyone, let me know. 

how's work going?? any new art projects lately? flower arrangements?

I was going to write on your Facebook but I see that you've given it up for Lent! I wanted to tell you about a pointless dream. Well, except for one fact- I was in sunny California visiting you! For most of the dream I was at an electronics store looking at iPhones and TVs. Two salesmen were trying to get me to buy a TV and an iPhone 4s as a package because it was cheaper than getting only the iPhone 5s. I didn't want the TV because I had to go back to Illinois! The salesmen starting getting upset I wasn't taking the better deal. It made me feel really bad but then I woke up and was glad I didn't have to reject their offer.

Perhaps this is a little foreshadowing of my life and I will get to visit you soon! :) 

I hope I hope. I wish I wish. <3

school starts in 17 days. 

i want to cry. 

it sounds ridiculous to be afraid, i know. people keep asking me why i'm scared. i suppose it's irrational fear. fear of failing is the big one. there are greater things in life to fear, of course. but i'm a person who is scared to order pizza over the phone. i sweat when i speak to strangers. and i can barely write a simple sentence these days. to think in 17 days i will have to do all the things i'm afraid of on a daily basis makes my stomach twist. 

there's really nothing i can say to make you understand how i feel. if i could somehow connect my brain and heart directly to yours and pump the anxiety into your mind and make you feel the irregularity of my heart's palpitations and the lump that forms in my throat when i think back on my time at medill… i wouldn't, because it's a terrible feeling.

in all honesty, i've forgotten why i decided to go back.

i talked to a classmate who graduated and is now working for smithsonian magazine. she seemed to have a good experience there- i mean, she's working for the smithsonian magazine! but she said, "i wouldn't call it a "good" experience. but i don't regret it." to hear that was discouraging. but also encouraging.

it won't be easy. it won't be fun. but it'll probably be worth it. probably. maybe. hopefully.

and i lied. i haven't forgotten why i decided to go back. i've misplaced the heart to go back- but i haven't forgotten. my fear is just holding me back so much.

i know you're probably tired of hearing me saying this. i promise it will be the last time i say anything about it. but i needed to get it off my chest before i go to sleep. or else i'll toss and turn for two hours before i slip into my recurring apocalyptic dreams.

good night!

- bun.

I haven't updated in over a week now. Today, I want to write a letter to you.

First, I hope your new job and new coworkers are treating you well. It seems like you've already got a lot on your plate! 

Nothing exciting going on in my life. I haven't been writing anywhere really. Not even in my journal. It seems I'm struggling with apathy. I feel very empty these days. Apart from worrying about starting school, I barely have any other thoughts or emotions.

Wait, that's a lie. I've been thinking about my parents a lot. I live with them but I don't spend a lot of quality time with them. They're getting older and I find myself worrying about their health often. I keep having these random sad moments when I think about losing them unexpectedly. Do you ever have these worries? I want to love them and let them know I love them as much as I can. But I don't know how to start after years of barely talking to each other.

Hmm. Today I ate brunch with an older sister from church. Afterwards I took her to this used bookstore inside the Glenview Public Library where the books are incredibly cheap. I buy most of my books there for $1 each. I'm reading the Harry Potter books right now and I only had 1-4 & 6 at home. But I found the 7th book at the bookstore today for $3! For a hardcover!! Amazing, right? I gasped at the sight of it. Every time I see a book there I've been wanting, it feels like I found gold. I've built up quite a collection but haven't gotten around to reading most of them yet. Once I start school I won't have a lot of time for leisurely reading :(

I wish I could do nothing but read and travel to cool places for the rest of my life. And then write about my experiences. Ah, that'd be the life.

Haha, my life is boring. I wish I had a cool story to tell you… sorry.

Mm well. That is all. Hope you had a good day.

What a character holding a blue object is thinking.

It was on the museum gift shop floor next to the stationary display table. I'd walked over to adjust the postcards before closing up to go home and I kicked something small and round. When I looked down I saw a small metal globe keychain reminiscent of my childhood. 

Today I had a creative arts team meeting at 9AM and had to leave early for a wedding that was an hour away. I just got back home and am very tired. It is 12:36AM here in Illinois.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing in here… As you know, I have intense "writer's block", a.k.a. fear of failure + lack of motivation.

I promise to write something out of the prompt book on Monday. I would say tomorrow but I know I won't be back from church until late evening and I don't want to make a promise I know I won't keep.

With love and shame, Bun.

Today, I didn't really want to sketch, or draw. I actually have been itching to paint.. so I bought canvases already..but I haven't gotten around it because I know it's gonna be a real mess when it starts, and I've been just trying to clear the space in my room..and looking for easels on craigslist.  I have an urge to create other arts besides visual arts recently. Like music, or something I can involved my whole body into. I want to get involved in something like that soon. Anyways because I've been wanting to make something else, I digged into my small fabric craft box.. and started making a DIY bow-tie with lovely patterned fabrics I have. 

1) TV on, so I feel less bored and lonely. Chose the duck-patterned fabric. Tan+Red+Navy Blue+Green color scheme, me like. 

2) As you can see, the sides are sewed in different colors because I couldn't get the white thread to go through the needle hole the second time -___-. But you can't see it because this is going to be the back of the bow-tie. Heh.

3) Almost in-shape!

4) Then I had to think about which color fabric to be the adjustable tie around the neck. Royal Blue vs. Same Patterned fabric...

I decided I'll choose blue just to make it more fun. But I realized I don't have the small plastic thingy to make it adjustable.. and it was getting late, so I'm going to finish the tie tomorrow.

Last night I sat at my desk for two hours and stared at a blank google document trying to get words on the page but I had no words in me. I only had crushing doubt and anxiety. As the day to go back to grad school draws nearer I'm becoming increasing uncertain about my decision. It's not that I don't want to go back, because I do. Well, no, that's kind of a lie. I don't want to… because I'm lazy and I love doing nothing. I do want to because I want to be a well-trained journalist, writer, storyteller. 

Can I be trained to write well? A huge part of me believes creative, eloquent writing can't be taught but it naturally pours out of a person who has no choice but to do it because that's how God made them. Instead I feel like I want something God didn't create me for. Every word I choose sounds wrong and ugly. My sentences don't flow seamlessly from one to another. They are choppy. They make me mad.

I sat thinking about all of this and my chest felt heavy. I had to concentrate on breathing normally or I thought I might barf. So I went to bed in hopes that I'd feel better in the morning.

It's morning now and I don't feel any better. I'm really worried I'm not fit for the program. I already struggled so much the first time around. I'm scared...

At least today I'm getting it out in words. Yesterday I just wanted to scream. I'll start with ugly sentences and hope for pretty ones in my future.

Wish I could enjoy sunny California with you,

I was going to do a writing prompt from 642 Things To Write About but I wanted to write this instead. It's a dream I had last night. I woke up haunted by this uneasy feeling from it and images would pop into my head throughout the day. 

Here it is:

I drop the leg for the second time. Dead bodies are heavier than I imagined they'd be. Wet blood doesn't make it easy to hold on. There are five of us trying to get the body up on the cold, metal table. One carries the head and the rest of us each grab a limb. I don't know why we've chosen to carry it this way; it's obviously not the best method.

We're in a small room, just big enough for us all to fit. The only light is the one hanging above the table, which is behind me. I'm thankful for the dimly lit room because this body is torn up, bloody and exposed. I gag as I grab the right leg but try not to look directly at the ripped up flesh. I wonder what killed her.

The next thing I know, I'm watching her anxiously from across the room. She's standing with her back towards the wall and her eyes closed. A wire from her brain is plugged into an outlet. A light blinks through her skin above her left eyebrow. It's almost covered by her short, light brown hair. We've dressed her in a plain lavender T-shirt and blue jeans. She looks like an average woman you would pass on the street and not think twice about. From what I can tell her skin has been perfectly grafted. You'd never be able to tell just few hours ago she looked like a bear had mauled her. Or that she is now a cyborg.

There are more bodies plugged in along the walls on either side of me. They're being charged, powered-up, whatever you want to call it. When they wake up they'll have all the memories of their past lives and feel every bit as human as they once were. But they will need to recharge each night as they are now.

The room is dark except for the moonlight coming in through the slits between the blinds and the blinking lights on the faces around me. I pick at the dead skin around my nails as I sit in the middle of this dark, silent room. I have a feeling I'm in danger…