CHAOS

-For my sins to get forgiven

-To never commit zina

-To have a righteous spouse who takes the deen seriously and get married and treat each other with respect

-To be extremely consistent with my faith

-To pass my driving test and get my liscence this year!

-To be successful career wise and for my next job to be somewhere i make a lot of money and get on with people and have a good time

-For me to have a good relationship with my friends and family

But anyway the principle is i actually was excited and crushing and ready to move on. Right so let’s get into it. Icl i acc feel so indifferent rn it’s kinda laughable. I’ve been wanting to wait to reactivate my insta so i can flex on him and so he can beg but i actually don’t care about him messaging me. Like it’s not a thing for me.

Anyways we love to document and this would be good to look back on because i learnt a lot. This man claimed to love me within week 1 of us dating. Wasn’t shy to touch me. Was quick to push me to do more and had the audacity to ask to stay over??? like sir who the hell has let you before. Let me break down the break up reflecting back on the relationship is hella pointless also i have a terrible memory so no point.

Okay so me and him were chilling. He came over and he wanted to stay but it was the bank holiday coming up and Jemimah was coming over that same night ect ect. I then put him to sleep and went into his phone. Went into the search bar and typed love you. I then found his messages to Maya (the 49 year old) I also found him messaging a random girl that was saved as Iranian gIrl and some random white girl with tits out that he had disappearing messages. Like girls if a man has disappearing messages on for you do you not think it’s a tad bit suspicious. Oh welll.

So i see the messages and i’m sending them to myself. I messaged maya off his phone to tell her he’s cheating ( i didn’t know who she was) tried to take a pic of him but the flash was on and he started waking up so i stated hitting him to wake him up and kick him out. I then yelled at him to leave. He started getting up. Blocked Maya and was saying she’s no one and now you’re no one and i’m a dickhead if i take you back ect ect. He’s hella pissed off and I started to second guess because he’s a really good liar and i actually believed it. I then wait just explain because i’m shook and this is my first r/s uno so bless me for thinking he’d give closure. He left.

I called Jehad and was like wthhh and explained things. Jehad is denying everything. He then calls him and connects the calls. M is downstairs. I go down. He makes me K his hand as a sorry ( i later spun this as not being a deep thing to me and me feeling bad for hitting him ect) I say sorry and he says I won’t ever forget this and starts saying if you do this again ect ect (which already gives the relationship is done being serious eg marriage and is just company) I then say do you want to get back together ( he says no i walk off). I then message maya and she tells me all the tea and i found out he’d go to see her when o wasn’t available or when i was in london. He also was messaging loads of girls in ramadan when i broke up with him. Forget me what about RAMADAN

Anyways once i hear all the tea from Maya i tell Jehad and i tell him i’m getting to know someone (Suli and that he owns a restaurant but used to be a dentist ect) Anways i also make it clear i’m not hung up on MJ. He’s talking about wow you’re the only girl that’s moved on. Couple days later on the saturday when i’m bored as hell. I cal for a min asking if he was knocking on the door he then says no i say okay cool and hang up. I block. I call back post driving test failure for actual help. He’s giving help and tells me about his date with this egyptian girl with an American accent and i say oh that’s nice and he’s saying how he doesn’t think it’s gonna work out and he was looking at our beach pics and how he missed me. He then asked me out on the beach date that we were supposed to go on and i said urmmm and he said okay i don’t want to force you. I also told him i had jehad blocked and he asked if i had spoken to him and i said no and he was like omg this guy was saying you guys spoke for 10 mins the other day ect ect.

I then said okay thanks so much for the help. Immediately blocked and deleted his number and deleted the pics. Plan is to reactivate my insta and unfollow him ( i already know he’s following random babes) and for him to be a fan for as long as he wants to. I actually have no desire to see him again or spend time with him or anything. Like part of me was like he’d be such a fun friend (nothingggg romantic just trolling and getting what i want) but he’s so lustful and so lame (asking for money back) that i couldn’t imagine even being around someone like that. Also i would NEVER want to contribute to someone else’s stress. Like imagine there’s another girl trying to be serious with him and he’s spending time with me esp when i know i’m not attracted to him, i don’t respect him (white women and 50 is tooo much) also the fact that he’s the type of man to say wallah and be lying is insane to meZ So yh i couldn’t rate him any less if i tried.

Major issues:

- He’s gay

- He sleeps with elderly and white women

-Went on a date within a week of us breaking up

- hated my friend because he wanted to cheat in peace

- had a sugar mama

- gross and has no substance conversation wise

- walked werid

- Said she has lipo for him

-Said i rate you you’re the only girl that’s ever moved on

- Said i was 1 of 4 when it comes to my ethnicity

- Is gay

- has an insane body count

- Makes me feel icky like we

- Pic of him in the club with his arms around a white gurl. Apparently he left her to be with a muslim

- Him hitting up the 49 year old when i was in ldn and took the coach to ldn and he said he was busy because he had to revise. Whole time he’s hitting her up about can i come see you and i miss you. ew.

-Him messaging a white girl with her tits out in ramadan after i broke up with him to focus on deen (amazing decision girlie)

-Him sending his bank details to get £70 back. HOW GAY

- His muz profile the night we broke up.

this entry is sooo express because i’m currently on a train to walsall heading to meet him and then his family.

Basically sooo much has happened. Obvs there was the whole situation post ramadan where we didn’t speak and then there was the muz situation and then i saw him after eid and things were good again. Then i saw him right before (3 days) i went to umrah.

During the whole 2 weeks i was gone he was so cute and wholesome. My replies were terrible because i had no data when out and so sometimes he’d be aired for like 7 hours but the second i messaged he messaged back. He also kept going on about how he misses me and how much he loves me and wanted to collect me asap from when i arrived as in i arrived saturday night and got home at 1ish and this man is talking about let me come get you on the sunday night.

Anywaysss umrah was so amazing and this is a life update page not just a relationship journal so i’ll have to write something about that because omggg having a whole trip that just rotated around when the next prayer time was and where in the mosque you were gonna pray was sooo liberating. I love Allah swt sooooooooooo much like words cannot even express just how happy i am to have been invited. Alhamdulilah for everything.

Anyway back to this current situation obviously we both missed each other and there’s a lot we need to talk about and figure out and icl i do need the security blanket of knowing that i’ve met his family and they’re aware of me and our plans is important and i don’t want to delay it anymore. Soooo my flatmate is away on holiday and gets back tuesday night 14th April. And so i have a free place. Anyways we want to spend some time together and catch up. Also i need a food shop so i’m gonna try squeeze that in.

I just told him straight that i want to meet his family and he said yes with no hesitation or push back at all. So now i’m in my cute abaya heading to walsall to go and greet them and then me and him can spend some time without me stressing about this family meet.

Anyways inshAllah it goes well. I’m also planning on enforcing some boundaries so nothing happens because you can’t ask for forgiveness for a sin and then go straight back to doing it or do it a a more severe level. You have to have sabr.

I plan on getting him to talk to Abo this week inshAllah and just having things finalised and a plan in place because it’s April and i really want us to make things halal and get married and live life in a happy and a healthy way that pleases Allah swt.

So no contact during Ramadan got broken because of Noor finding him on Muzmatch which homeboy swears he wasn’t on while we were together.

Context: in ramadan me and him were no contact. after 4 days i broke it to tell him i miss him and he spoke to me rudely so i blocked him off everywhere and made peace with it. then during ramadan on the 29th night noor messaged me saying she saw him on Muz

I called him and he showed me his phone and he was swiping on girls 6 days before. So i stopped talking to him again.

Then i messaged on eid and i told him to delete. He said he did. I asked him to give me his log in and checked the blocked and deleted people. There was some girl that he messaged hey to.

The way i started my period and had severe stomach pains after i found out. Like i actually didn’t eat for 3 days. It ruined my eid with my family and they were all stressed about me.

Anyways me and him were terrible over messaging. I then wanted to meet him to break up and we kept missing each other. Also he was being very terrible during our messaging

Then i reactivated insta and started posting and he messaged asking if i’m in ldn. I replied and he said he’d come see me. Then he tried to cancel and i then said there’s no way. Whole reason i tried to cancel was because he wanted Abu Adam to drive the car but he said he was scared of the motorway. So he was gonna have to drive to brum but the back was gonna be very tight.

I left my house and went to red shop to buy gum because my stomach hurt. He immediately took my bag

I got in the car in the back with some random guy and a speaker in between us. We drove a lil bit and they went out to get food. He moved my bag so it was more comfortable for me. He then tried touching and kissing me. I wasn’t having it really.

In the car i asked for his phone and he said he’d give it to me but he’s driving and needs it for directions. We spoke a bit and he kept saying i’m really sorry. He then kept trying to touch me and hold my hand as he was driving and told me he was really glad that i was there.

He told me i tried to call and message me loads and even considered calling me from someone else’s phone but didn’t want to be too much.

He did compliment me. Low-key i was just thinking there is no way i’d let him go through my phone. even though i have nothing to hide.

He’s giving me context into his week and explaining what’s been happening. So now it’s slowly making more sense. Like him and his dad went to see his cousin that gets fainting spells the day before.

- umrah

- A good job and success

- Good health and my families health

- Making it to umrah with my whole family (- asma)

-My parents health and happiness

-An easy marriage process

- Good friendships

- Good relationship with the deen

- Happiness

- To pass my driving test and get my licence in manchester

- To have a good spouse that Allah swt wills for me

- Forgiveness for my former sins

- To have an easy marriage process

- Eid is way tooo soon. it would have been less than 2 weeks. i think he needs the full two weeks going onto the third week to reflect. I think he’s too used to me getting annoyed and getting over it. If he thinks i’m just gonna move on and get over it then he will have no incentive to change ever.

- Birthdays are haram and i can’t make all this dua to Allah swt to break the timeline that i put in place just because of a birthday that islamically we are not supposed to celebrate anyways. Plus i asked for his address to send a birthday gift to so when his birthday comes and goes and there’s no message from me and no way to contact me and no gift from me it might finally hit him

- Also i made a promise to Allah swt!! enough said look at all the times Allah has honoured his promise to me

- If i break no contact before it hits a month he will NEVER get me flowers or value my word or anything.

- I also do NOT want to reach out at ALLLLLL i want to reactivate my insta and post on my stories and see if he slides up or messages me and take it from there. He has to feel like he managed to get me through the one form of socials that he could still access me from.

- if he really wanted to he would. Throwback to when i was ignoring jehad and he called through his dads phone

- Final reason. Think about how much of a SLAYY it will be if he reaches out and you don’t say yes to the first suggestion but says yes to whatever is convent for me then i do my makeup and look AMAZING. like lashes done. gloss. cute accessories. basically 10/10 and wear a really cute and pretty outfit. Do not let him touch me and do not give off the vibe that i love him. I need to just silently look at him. No smiling no nothing. just talk about serious things. Then after a while be a bit more open. That way he can appreciate me for when i am happy and he makes me smile

I made clear intentions to take a break and to focus on my deen and take time for mysel and then post umrah making very clear intentions to make the plans to introduce our families and limiting out interactions completely.

I think when i find it harder is when i’m back at home and i end up having too much time on my hands where i can think about things and reflect on things and suddenly i’m missing him ect ect. I also always miss him on my way to the station because i think about things

But when i’m at work and then focusing on prayer and the deen i find it a lot easier to forget about him and keep my mind busy.

Today is a full week gone where we didn’t speak. I’ve never not talked to him for this long. I’m working Monday and tuesday which is good and post work i’ll be busy with my lord!! inshAllah. Then wednesday i am travelling and then breaking my fast. Thursday/Friday may be eid. Saturday i’m seeing Jamilah and Hodan. Sunday i am travelling back (DO NOT CONTACT HIM)

I also don’t want to wish Eid Mubarak to him. I don’t think anything good can be gained of it. It’s too soon and i won’t get the version of him that i want and i don’t want to risk seeing him before i leave for umrah so that period between 18-27 i need to DASHHH my phone.

What’s good is if i survive eid weekend i get back on the sunday night. Monday, tuesday, Wednesday i have work and straight after either shopping, getting things ready, relaxing ect. Then thursday travel back post work.

Friday 27th is my flight and inshAllah everything goes smoothly. (For context there are flight cancellations and everything going on rn and lots of peoples umrah trips have been cancelled so i am praying me and my family have been invited to go this year. Allah swt knows best)

His birthday is the 30th so that’s gonna be a sticky one but idk i feel like i can just explain after that i was at umrah. PLUS ISLAMICALLY we are not supposed to celebrate birthdays.

Soo i thought i might as well write down the timeline of things that i want/hope for inshAllah. However if it doesn’t happen then it just wasn’t in Allah swt plan for me.

-No contact during ramadan or umrah

- Contact him to discuss things when i feel ready post umrah

-Plan a meeting with his family in May eg May 9th

- After meeting his family have him call Abo

- Arrange a family meeting and have minimal contact and meetings until then

-Post family meeting plan nikkah

-Have nikkah around Late june/july time. Lastest first 2 weeks of August

- Move to walsall

I would say our biggest issue is difference in the value we put into deen. Like for me Alhamdulilah i do feel a strong sense of religious guilt and i can’t just just fully let go and move on and just do what ever. But for him it was like he felt no remorse and didn’t care at all. All our conversations about cutting back and being better for the sake of islam and the rules Allah swt told us to follow felt like me just telling him things and him just saying yeah to make me happy.

I am REALLY REALLY hoping that this ramadan 2025 he has turned back to Allah swt. It is not my place to force someone to turn back to their lord and i can only advise them and make dua for them. I’ve made myself clear to him on this issue. I am hoping is being no contact and the last 10 days really make him turn back to his lord and value the deen and what is important.

When i first met him he was sending me videos of the surah he listens to so that he can sleep. He would even play it when i was next to him (I KNOW VERY BAD) he would give islamic reminders with references to surahs. MashAllah AllahumaBarik he seems like a very. knowledgeable man with a very family upbringing. But if you threaten my relationship with Allah swt i will always and turn back to Allah swt. And i pray that i always have the strength to do this regardless of the situation i am in inshAllah.

It’s the 25th night of ramadan and it was a friday. My duas every night have involved him. But i don’t want to ask Allah to make him my naseeb. I want Allah to make things easy between us and allow us to get married if he is my naseeb. I ask Allah to give me a husband who is kind, caring compassionate and loving and if that is him to draw us closer to Allah and each other and allow us to get married with no issues.

If after this period of no contact where it’s ramadan and i go to umrah inshAllah we talk and things are good and we arrange for me to meet my family and him to talk to abo and me to introduce him to my family then i will marry him with no delays inshAllah and i will have sakinah in my heart because i know that i have left this matter to my lord and if he was written this for me we will find comfort and ease in doing things the halal was and getting married soon.

I asked Allah to make it easy for me to detach and Alhamdulillah i’ve been strong and i’ve felt very clear in my decision to not contact him and to not have anything to do with him unless things are halal.

He was almost immediately asking me to check his car stuff for him and when i said give me a minute he spoke to me and said check it and then said are you gonna check it or not

First he said he’s gonna see me when noor leaves and then i said i’m going to london and he said the whole time? He then said i’m not gonna see you in ramadan but i’m gonna see you before you leave like no you’re not???

He was rude and off the whole call and then i said why are you being werid and quiet and he said what do you want me to say. Like something??? anything???

I said i missed him and he said same. But he was being so disrespectful and rude.

I know i have a terrible memory but safiya i PROMISE you that man was crazy and disrespectful and said he didn’t change and was 100% not the man that i deserve. So off with him. I blocked him IMMEDIATELY and deleted our whatsapp chat (which for someone who cares about history and memories means a lot) he’s gone and i want him gone

I don’t want to speak to him till way into May. He’s no longer my priority and i genuinely do not care about him.

Good RIDDANCE.

Tolerating disrespect has never been something i’ve done and i don’t plan on starting now.

Can you imagine in the span of a 12 minute call he managed to be that terrible.

March 7th

The fact that he responded immediately and apologised was such a green flag to me. May Allah swt help guide us to his path and make things easier for us. May we make this relationship halal as soon as we can and may our families get on and we have a nice and smooth marriage.

- umrah till April

-Post umrah in May meet and spend time with his family.

- He meets my family towards end of May

- Everything is finalised with parents end of May early June

- From June onwards plan for nikkah. Date i want is July 25th

- I want a big outdoor venue!!! nice set up. Flowers everywhere. Everyone in cute dresses or light coloured abayas. Location: London or near.

Reasons were:

-He was too sexual. Even when i cried he didn’t stop

-He showed no sense of wanting to be better or trying to improve

-He was late to drive me to dhru’s and late picking me up from dhru’s and swore at me

-He plays music in ramadan

-He skips prayers and didn’t even break his fast and made fun of the date

- He told me that he was going to sayeed and said it’s be an hour max. I messaged him to say 1 hr he said okay abs then didn’t contact me till past midnight

- I don’t believe his word and it’s a big problem

- I also don’t believe he has any sexual disciple.