Faded Seaside Mama

Feels Like I’m Going to Lose My Mind

I wrote this last October for World Mental Health Day and shared it on Facebook. I thought I should share it here now for Mental Health Awareness Week 2018.

My story, my struggle, my truth.

I’m not proud of this, but I’m trying hard to stop being ashamed of it too.

I am just coming out the other side of a mental health crisis. I have borderline personality disorder which has mostly been of the…

This Faded Seaside Home

I am born and bred Thanet. It has always been my home, even when I lived in Scotland, Birmingham, Sheffield, London, Brighton; the Isle of Thanet was still my home and they were just transitory places: I knew I’d come back.

When I had my first child, the search for an escape from London began. I did not want her growing up breathing in the Westway air, or having to worry about how she’d cope…

The loneliness is suffocating. It eats away at me, refusing to let me turn the corner. No words spoken. No-one to turn to. All of it a secret. And the secret is killing me. The fantasies of death all pervading. An escape. The only escape. Just let me go.

A friend will be over later. The only friend I’ve ever really mentioned this stuff to. I told her about the suicide attempt last year and she gave me a hug and saw me home when I got too drunk to function later that evening. But she isn’t a friend really. She has never asked again and isn’t there to talk to. So many times I’ve wanted to go to her and ask for help. I’ve even run away to her house…

So I mentioned that I’ve been wanting to leave since February, although to be honest, I’ve fantasised about it for far longer than that. But when I finally found the courage to tell my wife, of course she wasn’t happy about it. She was cool with me staying at my parents’ house as that was a short-term arrangement, but got into her head that it was exactly that; a quick break from reality and then…

I’m nearly 40 and I’m on the precipice of losing everything I’ve worked for. I have to give up my home, my garden, everything inside it. I will have my clothes and books. How do you even begin to start again from this? All the hard work, the saving, the dreams. All ripped away. To nothing. Go! She says. Stop looking for somewhere perfect and get out of my house and my life. I’ll change the locks.…

I’m not allowed to sleep. The night begins with a cat jumping on and off the bed, miaowing as she does so. Then DD2 wakes up and joins us in bed,  pulling my hair and kicking me as she settles back to sleep. A few hours later and the wife will stomp out of the room, noisily fumbling in her bedside drawer for her tobacco and rollies as she leaves, slamming the door and stair gate as she goes.…

Thinking. Too hard. Too much As my dreams rip apart or some such Horror that sees them intrude with Tinges of sadness and regret. I want to be happy, but i’m not there yet. A life that spiralled out of control Deeper and deeper I fell into a hole That got darker and further away From where i wanted to be. I lost track and I’ve lost me. As I try to claw my way back out My head is filled with doubt…

The time had finally arrived. Every time I thought about it, I felt sick and the tears pricked at my eyes. I was about to break up our family and move out. And I had to tell the children. What do you say to a three year old and five year old? How could they possibly understand the complexities of adult relationships? Did I even want them to? They’ve witnessed enough in their short lives as it is.…

Moving in. Moving on.

Saturday 25 October My little sister finally got engaged on a beach in Ireland. Beautiful, idyllic and romantic. Meanwhile, back in Blighty, my relationship was heading in the opposite direction. The day did not begin well. I dropped the heavy wooden bed frame on my bare foot, and the removals men turned up very early, before I was ready. But they got everything in the van without a problem and…

I’ve been accused many times of running away when the going gets tough. Be it school, relationships or jobs, if it’s making me miserable, I leave. But is that running away or not wanting to waste precious time in a situation that makes me unhappy? Life’s too short. And has so many alternative options, why stick with the status quo? Am I weak and flaky? Or strong and determined?

Facebook posts taunt me with their reminders of all that I have given up. The house to nurture and put my stamp on, the romantic meals, shopping for gifts for my significant other. I spend my days alone in a windowless office, occasionally interrupted from my reverie by colleagues with questions or demands that sap at my dwindling energy. And then I pop by to see the girls. A brief hour of…

Sucking joy out of every memory, fresh or old. The constant darkness and fight for some light. My passive aggression is the cost of losing the energy to fight against you. I literally cannot be bothered anymore. Say what you will, think what you like, I have given up. You have taken away my passion, my excitement, my joie de vivre. Every precious moment is turned into something negative,…

What a wonderful year it’s been for my family. One sister got pregnant against the odds and now has a beautiful baby girl. The other sister finally got engaged and we’re all excitedly planning the wedding with her. And then, of course, there was me. Casting the black cloud over all the joy. Failing spectacularly as they succeed. And trying so hard not to bring everyone down with me. But being so…

It’s creeping in. The loneliness of single life is starting to rear its head. The realisation that this is it. For years and years ahead of me. Just me and my laptop. And my overactive mind. With occasional glimpses of happiness when I have the girls. It’s so tempting to say fuck it and run back to those arms that are still so desperate to hold me. But deep down I know it won’t help. I’ll still…

Today is my last chance to do something about all this crap. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and then I’ll have to start the process of sorting out the relics of my broken relationship. I’ve prayed for a miracle but none has come. No unfortunate accidents that took me out of action for weeks, months. No out of the blue job offers, too good to turn down. And most importantly, no hands to help…

Depression is so evil. It grips you by the throat until swallowing and even breathing become laborious and challenging. It skews your reality so that you forget how to simply be. So that every movement takes extra thought and care. And it makes you wish for an escape from everything. Sleep until you never wake up. But wake up feeling sick, stomach knotted painfully, head pounding. But the…