Multuminparvo

I’m so goddamn tired of making mistakes and being so young. So often when I’m alone I think about how badly I want to be a mother and have a family. I just want to be at the point in my life where I feel so much love and my biggest concern is making the best life for someone else. Sometimes I sit here and cry like a bitch because I don’t think it will ever happen for me... just want it so bad. I know I’m not ready yet, but god I wish I could fast forward time. 

Isn’t it something to have more of those small moments where you feel like you’re getting a little older in how you perceive life?

I have spent the past year tugging myself between absolute misery and a comfortable happiness, never letting myself just feel free. I haven’t felt like “me” for so long; I have spent too much time relying on other people to complete my sense of self, focusing intensely on how I am perceived by each person that comes in contact with me, and second-guessing every single decision that passes through my mind.

I think this is a phase where I am coping with an overload of change, responsibility, independence, and loneliness. So much loneliness. I don’t care how many people I am surrounded by -- I am alone. I’ve been getting more comfortable in this and think I would do much better if I just figured out who I am. I am so goddamn agreeable that I can’t even tell if I actually agree with someone, or if I’m saying it to be liked. I need to grow the fuck up.

On the topic of growing up, I’ve realized part of this year has been so hard because I have clutched onto the idea that although I broke up with my ex (the reasoning still stands), we will somehow still end up together in the end. Because it worked. It always worked. No I was not completely happy, but I felt everything for him. The only person I can ever say I would truly sacrifice everything for. There is something so meaningful about that for me even now. I  have not stopped thinking about him and the comfort of knowing we’ll be okay all year... until we finally met up. And he couldn’t give a fuck about how I feel. I felt so hurt. I was disgusted. How could I spend so long ready to try it one more time (yeah, selfish I know) for him to just look at me and say goodbye and shut me out as if I meant nothing at all? After giving him my everything and trying so hard to help him when he had so many times of need. I realized I was with someone more selfish than I could ever be (shocking!). I felt ugly and unwanted again just like I did in the relationship;like a subpar excuse for a human being.

And I am done. I am done being a subpar excuse. I am so tired of wishing for the past and trying to impress people I actually don’t give TWO FUCKING SHITS ABOUT!

This entirely lost period in my life has been so eye opening; I know I need to get out of it and get myself away from the lie I am currently living. For the past months, I’ve felt myself playing this twisted game that only I understand. I am living in a way I know I hate, as if I am trying to tease myself and see how long I can go tricking myself and others. I could knock myself out of it easy, but I won’t. Not now, probably. I am clutching onto safety from the reality that I will be faced with once I finally am free of it.

It’s almost enthralling, being with someone I know I do not love. I am doing everything as I should, passing every test and checking off every “necessary” component; however, I have realized how incredibly easy it can be to simply... lie to yourself and just live it. My idea of real love haunts me constantly. What I fear the most is knowing that I am capable of endlessly loving someone without feeling truly happy -- being able to just... leave it. So I guess I would much rather just deal with not loving someone at all. That hurts much less.

Losing love, unrequited

Was it truly love? undecided

Hard times, I'm broken

Past lies, they leave you open

I try, I'm hopeless

At night, no way of coping

With this shredded heart

Can I get reparations for the pain?

Baby I'm afraid