Madi's Work

Not being able to stop thinking about it. Drinking to numb the pain. Hating him and wanting him at the same time. Hating yourself for not being enough. But mostly just wanting to talk to him.

The echo of his laugh plays in your head. The memories won’t let you sleep. You and Dean used to bicker over everything, from the plan while hunting to the best pie flavor. You always thought you hated him, even after you ended up in his bed.

But maybe you always loved him.

~~~~~

How long have you been in the shower? Was it always cold or did you drain the heat from it?

You should wash your hair. You’re here and your hair is already wet, but the exhaustion sets in just considering it. Slowly, you gather the strength and will to climb out of the cold shower.

The towel isn’t soft or warm or comfortable at all, but it distracts you from your aching heart. You finger the stitching, counting the loops. You did that when you were younger and worried about your mother.

“Two weeks, promise,” she would always say, hooking her pinky around yours. But promises don’t mean shit to anyone. Two weeks never meant two weeks. Two weeks meant a month and a half, and you worrying so much that you forgot to eat and always had bad grades.

That was something you and dean bonded over when you first met before he preferred silence and hitting the wall with your bedpost over the sound of your voice. The worry for your parent, the worry about money, or someone finding out that you were basically living alone. Taking care of your siblings was the reason for your existence. You are more similar than you care to admit.

The only difference between the two of you is his brother came back, and yours didn’t.

There you go again, thinking about him. Back to counting stitches.

~~~~~

You should get dressed. You have a lot of angel friends who like to just show up uninvited. You should get dressed.

But the bag is all the way across the room and your blanket is surprisingly soft.

All you want to do is sleep. To live in another world where he might actually love you like he can’t in this one. Dean Winchester doesn’t do love, so you might as well dream of a place where he does.

~~~~~

While you sleep, Castiel watches over you, like he has done every night for the past three months. He didn’t understand why you left, but then Dean couldn’t go thirty minutes sober, and yelling and grunting became his favorite pass time. Now he knew. Dean pushed you away and you let him because he thinks he’s poison and you think you are unworthy of love.

Nothing good came out of this. Dean is slowly destroying himself without the one person who kept him together, and you can’t do anything without falling into a pit of sadness and desperation.

Heaven had worked so hard so that you and Dean would come together. And Dean was just throwing it away, and you were letting him.

Well, Cas wasn’t going to.

~~~~~

“Sweetheart?”

“Hmm?”

“Sweetheart, wake up.”

“No, Dean, I’m tired, just jack off or something.”

“Y/N, wake up!” You bolt up, clenching the thin sheets to your very naked body. Why was Dean in your motel room?

“Dean, what the hell are you doing here?” You ask him, noticing that he was sitting on your bed like he had been there awhile.

“I don’t know.” He absentmindedly rubbed his forehead. “Cas stormed into my room grumbling about something, I couldn’t understand him.”

“Was he speaking Enochian?” You ask Dean whose head is still facing down.

“Yeah, he might’ve been.” His head shoots up when you start laughing. His eyebrow tilts inward as you can’t stop. “What?!”

“You must’ve really done something to piss him off,” you laugh holding your stomach. Dean feels a slight pang in his heart as he watches you, but like every feeling he’s felt in the past three months, he pushes it down and away.

“If you don’t mind, can you please go hide in the bathroom or something?” You ask, remembering you are still completely naked.

“Why?”

“‘Cause if you don’t wanna see my ass, you’ll let me change in private.” He nods and goes to the bathroom as you asked. With a sigh, you’re about to get up when you hear the door handle jiggle and Dean groan. “What’s wrong?”

“The damn door’s locked,” he grunts, storming to the main door. Finding that door also locked, Dean presses his head against the door. “That bastard locked us in.”

“Why would he do that?”

“To talk this out or whatever.”

“What does he think locking us in a room will accomplish?” You sigh, wanting to cry but being so tired of tears. “He can’t force you to love me or want me again, so this is useless.”

“Y/N...” he trails off, not saying anything as he can’t think of a good way to explain why he broke things off. But the silence hurt more than any words he could’ve said.

“Can you please turn around?” And he does, trying to think of a way to get out and trying not to think about the fact that you are so much closer to him than you have been in three months. He tries everything to not think about the first time he met you or the last time you slept together. He tries so hard because he’s the one who ended things, he’s the one who doesn’t deserve the memories.

“You can turn back around.” And he does, just looking at you for a while. Letting silence fill the room, he memorizes your face in case this is the last time he sees you. He hopes he can remember you this way because in his mind you are happy and free of him, you have a glow to you that can’t make him look away. But in reality, you are horrible and struggling, wanting more than anything to just to be held by him again.

“Um, Dean?” You say, snapping him out of his gaze. He gives you a shy smile before muttering a ‘sorry’.

“So, what are we gonna do?” Trying to be strong, you ask. But you know the second the doors unlock, you will never see Dean again.

“I guess, you can come back if you want.” Another crack to your heart. He doesn’t want you back but if it will get him away from you.

“I can’t,” You state firmly.

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t, Dean.”

“Of course, you can. Cas and Sam miss you. They would love it if you come back.”

“Dean-“

“I mean, that’s why we are here in the first place. They want you back.”

“But you don’t want me back!” You yell. Of course, Sam and cas want you back. They are your best friends, but Dean doesn’t want you.

“What?”

“You don’t want me. The only reason you want me back is that we are stuck in a room together. But I can’t. I can’t watch you bring home other girls. I can’t watch you flirt with a witness to get information or a waitress to get free food. I can’t see you every day knowing that you aren’t mine anymore. I know you were never mine but there were times when it felt like you were really mine.” Fuck being strong, all you want to do is cry.

“I was always yours. Hell, I will always be yours.” He walks towards you. “I’m poison, sweetheart. I destroy everything I love. I killed my dad, I failed Sam and Cas, I failed the world. I couldn’t destroy you. I can’t let you die because of me.”

“Fuck you,” You sneer in his face, pushing your finger into his chest. “When are you going to learn that taking care of the world isn’t your responsibility? When are you gonna learn that letting people protect you isn’t your fault? When are you gonna learn that making mistakes is ok?

“And yeah, Dean, you did destroy me. I love you so fucking much that being without you broke me! You pushed me away to save me? How fucking ridiculous, is that? You want to save me? Keep me! You aren’t poison! You aren’t bad luck! You are a man! You are human. You aren’t going to destroy me by loving me. You are going to destroy me by leaving me.”

In a second, he was on you, holding you, kissing you. Dean tries to show you that he needs and wants you.

“Please, come home, I want you to come home.”

“Are you going to push me away again?”

“No, never.”

“Then, I’ll come home.”

~~~~~

Watching Dean drag you and all your stuff into the bunker, Sam smiles.

“I don’t care how you did it, Cas, but it’s good to see them smile again.”

“All he needed was her, and all she needed was him. They were just too heartbroken or stubborn to see it.”

“Well, thank you for saving my brother and my best friend,” Sam says before walking to his room.

It went from a bad feeling to finding your friend almost dead on the lacrosse field to standing in the middle of a deadly fight between the Argents and your friends.

“Stiles!”

“Lydia!”

“Anybody”

You waited for 15 minutes but Stiles didn’t come back, so you went looking for him. Stumbling around outside, screaming for your friends, you somehow ended up at the lacrosse field and at Lydia’s body. Thinking she’s dead, your heart stops for a moment before you hear a tiny whimper escape her.

“Lydia!” You hear someone scream as you lean over Lydia's body. Soon, Jackson was kneeling beside you, tears in his eyes.

“You have to call an ambulance,” you cry. “I have-I have to go. I’m so sorry.”

“What? No! Help me!”

“I’m so sorry. Call an ambulance.”

It went downhill from there, so very downhill.

“Peter?” You gasp, watching him move toward Scott. “How? How is it even possible?”

Peter doesn’t reply, too fascinated with Scott but that only scares you more.

“No! No! Leave him alone! Don’t hurt him! Please, don’t hurt him!”

“Aww, young love.” He tilts his head, a wicked grin on his face. Gliding to you, he stands in front of you the same way he was in front of Scott.

“Leave her alone!” Scott calls out.

Then Kate’s dead. You heard her gasping and heard the slashing of Peter’s claws. The sounds repeat in your head, over and over again. With your heart in your throat, your mind began to wander to the night your eyes turned blue.

You can almost feel the blood on your hands, can almost hear the shallow breathing of the men. You are so filled with hatred that you can feel it rush through your veins. It enters your heart, your lungs so that all you can breathe is hatred and anger. You feel powerful and dangerous, and you began to wonder if this feeling was how Peter was feeling after he killed Kate.

But then you remember how you sat in the room long after the last man was dead. You sat there after the powerful and dangerous feeling was gone, and you were just filled with regret. You remember how you hate yourself for that night. You can never forgive yourself for killing those men, for becoming a monster.

But that’s the difference between you and Peter. You killed people and never forgave yourself, never stopped punishing yourself for it.

In Peter’s mind, he doesn’t need to forgive himself because he thinks he did nothing wrong.  

You blackout at some point, losing control as you promised yourself that you would never do again. When your murderous side calms down and you can control yourself again, you realize you are fighting peter with Scott. He’s almost dead before both Scott and you realize this is wrong and back off. Unfortunately, Derek finished the job, killing Peter the same way Peter killed Kate not minutes before.

“I’m the alpha now.”

Derek’s last words to you before you run away, repeat in your head over and over again.

“I’m the alpha now.”

The events of tonight have completely shattered your hope, leaving you a lost, broken mess. The only thing you’ve been able to do for the past hour and a half was stare at the wall opposite your bed.

Off white is a stupid color.

The dream of finding the True Alpha and finally belonging somewhere might not be completely gone, but you were hoping so much that the alpha was the True Alpha. Now, you have no other option but to leave, to look for the True Alpha, and to hope that he will want you as no one else has.

Except for Scott. Scott McCall has been the only person that you have ever met that has made you feel like you belong somewhere. The little moments that broke your heart, healed it too. He made you feel like being with him, in his room, studying math or chemistry was the only place you belonged.

A single tear escapes your eye as you can hear his laugh echo in your head. Leaving him and Beacon Hills and the friends you’ve made will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But you have to go.

The clicking sound of a lock reaches your ears. Your front door is being unlocked. But the only person with a key to your house is-

“Hey, Y/N,” Scott McCall, the boy holding your heart in his hand, says with a gentle smile. You try to give him a weak smile but it just looks pitiful with the tears flowing down your face.

“Hey, Scotty,” You cry. Seeing the tears, he rushes over to you and kneels in front of you.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, gently stroking your cheek. Why can’t he go twenty minutes without touching you? Him treating you like you’re his just breaks you more.

“I have to go, and it hurts so bad.”

“You don’t have to go anywhere, Y/N. You can stay here.” You shake your head, leaning into his touch. Finally meeting his sad eyes, you wish that this wouldn’t be the last time that you see him. You pray that you will see him again, even if it’s far into the future and another woman has given him children. At least then you would see him happy again. And all you want is to see him happy.

“I-I have to go,” You hiccup. “I need the True Alpha, and he isn’t here.”

“Please, please stay,” He begs. “I’ll be your Alpha, I’ll kill Derek”

“I can only have the True Alpha, Scott, and you killing Derek wouldn’t make you a True Alpha.”

“But the kiss, but us.”

“There never was an us,” You cry hysterically. “There was a you and Allison, but never an us.”

“But-but-”

“This is goodbye, Scott,” You smile. “Hopefully not forever, but at least for now, goodbye.”

You push away from him, breaking the contact. The second his hand leaves your face, your heart aches. Everything in you wants to run back, to jump into his arms and never leave.

Instead, you start packing, while Scott stares at you with tears in his eyes. He hates every piece of clothing you put in your bag. He much preferred them when they were in your dresser.  

“I don’t want to lose you.” Your head snaps to him. He collapsed on your bed, desperation, and sadness leaks out of his pores, filling the room in the horrible scent.

“You can’t ever lose me,” You say. “Just because I’m leaving, doesn't mean that you are losing me.”

He nods, hanging his head like a puppy that was just kicked. For definitely not the first time, you wish that you didn’t love him. You know that if feelings weren’t involved than this would be so much easier.

But feelings are involved. And this is incredibly hard.

When you finish packing, you stand still. Glancing around the room, you remember all the times that you and Scott and Stiles were in this room. You remember how many times you laughed or argue about what movie to watch. You remember how Stiles threw his chemistry textbook across the room and screamed, “we are fucking watching Star Wars”. That was the first time you watched his favorite saga, and even though you didn’t understand what was happening at all, you enjoyed it because you were with your friends.

You did the only thing you could do, grab your bag. Making eye contact with Scott, he stands upright when you started to march towards him. His arms wrap around you as his lips greet yours. The two of you were desperate to hold and feel each other one last time.

You were saying goodbye to something that could’ve been beautiful, but it was killed before it could grow.

“Y/N?” Deaton’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts. You usually go to the clinic after school on the days that Scott works, to catch up with Deaton. typically after he’s free to leave, you two go get dinner and hang out for a few hours. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah,” You sigh. “Just thinking.”

Deaton nods and rubs his chin. Curious, you tilt your head. He only does that when he’s trying to figure out how to say something.

“What’s up, Deaton?”

“Well, you were telling me about your weakened sense and how you need to have an alpha is growing.”

“That normal for omegas, I thought.”

“It is, but not the level you are having them.”

“What?” Scott says, walking over to you and Deaton.

“It just confirmed an earlier theory of mine.”

“Which was?”

“You are called the True Omega.” Scott gently presses his hand to your lower back. Touches like these you are used to but that doesn’t mean they don’t give you mixed feelings.

“Like the True Alpha?” You try to focus on Deaton and not Scott’s hand.

“Yes,” Deaton starts wandering off and Scott starts pressing harder like he’s trying to touch your soul. Thankfully, Deaton comes back quickly. “They are the purest forms of their status.”

“But with the True Alpha, your soul has to be pure. Mine isn’t.”

“I know, but for the True Omega that’s part of it,” Deaton paused. “A True Alpha is a True Alpha because of their incredible will power, their need, and want to be True Alpha. A True Omega is a True Omega because the entire world has shaped them, pushed them to be a True Omega.”

“How am I a True Omega?”

“Well, a True Omega is usually a born werewolf who was rejected by their alpha pretty young, and after that, they are rejected by countless other alphas.” He smiles sadly. “Like how your mom rejected you when you were two.”

“Yeah, to make her pitiful husband happy, she threw away her two-year-old child!”

“Will she ever be accepted by an alpha?” Scott asks, pulling me out of my self-destructive thoughts.

“That’s where the True Alpha comes in. According to the legend, the True Omega will only, and can only, be accepted into the True Alpha’s pack and with her, only then can the pack be complete.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the True Omega won’t stopping yearning to be in the True Alpha’s pack. And the True Alpha won’t stop looking for the True Omega. The two complete each other. They need each other, like yin and yang. There can’t be one without the other. It’s a subconscious pull that won’t go away until they find each other.”

~~~~~

After the clinic closed, you and Scott went back to his house instead of getting dinner. You have been curled up on his bed for god knows how long, hating yourself, and the fact that you are a True Omega.

“It’s not that bad,” Scott says, trying to cheer you up but unlike all the times it worked before, it won’t now.

“Not that bad? Did you even hear him? The only alpha that will accept me is the True Alpha!”

“And?” He asks, throwing his hands up and stepping closer to the bed. You can hear the pounding of his heart and the flow of his breathing, and it takes everything in you to not scream at him for not loving you like he does Allison. But you don’t because it’s not his fault he doesn’t love you or possibly could never love you.

“And True Alphas only come around once every one hundred years! The chances of me even meeting him is so low it makes the sea level of New Orleans look like Mount Everest!”

“That’s not true! You are only saying that because you are scared!” Scott exclaims. Moving closer to you, you can smell his scent. His wonderful scent. Why does he have to make it so hard for you?

“No, I’m saying I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life. I’ll never have an alpha.”

“Well, I’ll kill the alpha and become your alpha if I have to.” Why is he so close, you think. Why does he have to say things like that? Is he trying to make you fall more in love with him?

“It doesn’t work like that. The True Alpha has to be someone who has never spilled human blood. They don’t steal their power like other alphas, they earn it. And I can only have the True Alpha.” You whisper, trying to use the teaching moment to distract yourself. Sadly, it doesn’t work. At all.

“Maybe the alpha is a True Alpha.” He completely fills your senses. The sound of his heartbeat. The smell of him. The feel of his arm rubbing against yours. His face. You can almost taste him on your tongue.

“He killed the bus driver and Laura. I don’t think the True Alpha would do that.” He’s so close.

“We’ll figure it out.” Why is he so close?

I love him.

I’m absolutely in love with him.

He’s getting closer. Is he going to kiss me again?

Did it mean something to him the last time?

He leans in, his eyes darting between your eyes and lips.

He’s going to kiss me.

He closes his eyes and you do the same.

And then,

Ring, ring

He bolts up to answer the phone, you sigh in disappointment.

“Allison,” the name is like poison to your ears. “You forgive me? You want to do to the winter formal together?”

~~~~

Two months later

“You did what?!” You shout, pacing around Scott’s room as he tells you about what happened in the school. “You brought the alpha to the school? With the youngest member of the most famous hunting family inside? And you almost got my brother killed?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” He nods nervously, watching you pace the floor of his room.

“What the hell, Scott?” Your hands move around frantically as you try to express how angry you are. “What about the plan? What about trying to get this alpha to accept both of us in his pack? What about us being together?”

“Y/N-”

“Because if you keep pulling shit like this, then he won’t want either of us!” you scold him.

“Y/N, we can’t be in his pack.” This made you stop pacing. You stare at Scott, trying to crawl inside his mind and understand his words.

“He wants me to kill my old pack,” He whispers, hating how you retract every time he steps toward you. “Stiles, Allison, Lydia, Jackson.....you.”

With your back against the wall, Scott cages you in. “I won’t hurt you,” he whimpers, holding the side of your face. Over the past few months, you and Scott have gotten really close. Moments like this weren’t uncommon. He tries to make you see that he cares about you and won’t hurt you. Most of the time, the two of you end up just like this, so close that it physically hurts when he’s gone. And that’s exactly why you hate moments like these. They always hurt the most.

“I know,” you whisper when his thumb traces your lower lip. The other hand finds its way to your waist. His body is pressed so tightly against yours that if you were to be any closer, you would have to become the same person.

He leans his head closer to yours, dipping his head down until his lips touched yours. In a couple of seconds, your shock wears off and you kiss him back. You keep kissing until you both run out of air.

“Wow,” he pants, taking a step back.

“You kissed me,” you whisper, touching your lips.

“yeah,” He says running his hand over the back of his neck, nervously.

“Why did you kiss me?” You instantly regret asking. Nothing good can come out of asking.

“I-I don’t know,” he winces. hurt, you nod. Keeping your head down, you walk toward the door so he can’t see that you’re upset.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.” You know it's a low blow but the sad look on his face makes you feel better.

~~~

“He kissed me.”

“What?!” Stiles exclaims, jumping off of his bed to pace around his room.

 After leaving Scott’s house, Heartbroken and sad, you somehow ended up at Stiles, who over the past two months has become your confidant. You told everything to the spastic boy.

“He kissed you?”

“Yes.”

“And what did you say?”

“‘Why did you kiss me?’“You lay your head in your hands. You’ve liked Scott for as long as you can remember, and hearing that he kissed you ‘just cause’ hurts more than anything.

“And what did he say?”

“’I don’t know’”

“What? You gotta know what he said!”

“No, Stiles, he said ‘I don’t know’.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.” Stiles sits down next to you on his bed. Pulling you into his chest, he lets you cry without saying a word. You ended up falling asleep in your best friend’s arms.

Whatever that kiss meant or didn’t mean, Scott McCall sure knows how to break your heart.

~~~~~ "Y/N, please," Scott catches up to you in the hall the next day. You try to shove your things into your locker before you have to talk to Scott.

"Scott, whatever that kiss was, let's just forget about it." You zip up your bag and turn to leave.

"Please, I don't want to lose you." You stop in the middle of the hall. Maybe that's why boy werewolves let girl werewolves win, they depend on them so much that don't want to hurt them and end up losing them. Except, this time Scott didn't let you win at wrestling. He kissed you and then regretted it. He promises that he won't hurt you, then he turns around and breaks your heart. But even a broken heart can still love.

"You won't lose me," You turn to look at him. He looks terrible. His hair is messy and wild like he's been pulling it. His clothes look like a ratted mess like he forgot that he was popular and should care about his clothes, or how he should look. But what's worst is the devastating look on his face. He really is scared to lose you. "Look, Scott, the relationship between teacher and student in our world is highly respected, especially by the two of us. The reason you feel this way is because you feel you disrespected me. And to disrespect, your teacher is worst than disrespecting your alpha. You feel guilty because I'm your teacher. Nothing else."

"I feel this way because you're my friend and I hurt you."

"If it helps you, just blame me and my stupid heart." With that, you walk away, leaving Scott in the hall alone.

~~~~~~ Scott's POV

I can't move. I can only watch her walk away from me. Over the past two months, I've been trying to get close to her, to make her trust me, and just as she begins to I hurt her.

Blame me and my stupid heart, what does that mean? Did she like the kiss? Did she think about all last night? Did she play it over and over in her head until she could almost see me in her room? Did she sleep with the jacket I left in her room just because it still had my scent on it as I did with hers?

"what the hell are you doing, McCall?" Jackson asks, seeing me not move for a while. I just lost her. All because I couldn't keep my fucking emotions together. Why would she want me? She's beautiful and smart and caring and strong, and I'm just an idiot who can't seem to do anything right.

I won't hurt you,

I know, I play it in my head again, hoping it would give me the strength to move, but it just breaks my heart more. I hurt her. How could I hurt her?

"Scott, what's wrong?" His voice is muffled but I can tell it's Stiles that's talking to me. With his hands on my shoulder, I quickly realize that I can't catch my breath. I can't breathe. Losing Y/N is going to kill me.

He pulls me into the locker room and shoves my inhaler in my face. Taking a few breaths of it, I can start to breathe again.

"What the hell was that?"

"You had a panic attack," Stiles says, "I used to get them a lot when I was younger."

"I lost her." I bang my head against the wall. I don't deserve her but knowing she's gone hurts more than anything.

"Who, Allison?"

"no, Y/N"

"Scott-"

"I fucking lost her!" I scream before putting my fist through the wall. Stiles jumps but I don't care. I don't care about anything. "I want her, Stiles. I need her!"

“Look, I have an idea but I don’t think it’s very good!”

“What is it?” Dean yelled as he got yet another cut added to his already vast collection.

“Grab Sam and run as fast as you, and don’t look back.” He listened, surprisingly, but that was probably because he could keep fighting. With Dean and Sam gone and a gas can in one hand, a lighter in another, I burned down the barn and every vamp that hurt my friends with it.

Cas came to the motel after hearing my pitiful prayers. I had never seen him so angry. And after he healed us, we had the worst fight in our entire relationship.

“How could you do something like that?!”

“Sam was knocked out, Dean was being turned into a human pin cushion, I had to do something!”

“And burning down a building with a bunch of survivors in it was the right way to go?!” I didn’t know that there were survivors. I didn’t know that you burned the innocent people I wanted to save alive.

“I had no choice,” I whispered, completely devastated but hell-bent on trying to excuse what I did.

“You could’ve just left! You could’ve called me! You could’ve done a hundred things before doing something that only the devil would do!” I could see it in his face that he didn’t mean to say what he did. But the damage was done, and hearing the man I love more than life itself comparing me to Satan was heartbreaking.

“What I did was justified. I tried to save my family,” I said, grabbing my jacket and heading to the door. “But what you said wasn’t.”

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

That was almost a year ago and it still haunts me. But three months ago, he stopped caring, stopped trying to make me good, and in a way, it’s worst than the fights. He gave up on me. He was my conscience, my difference between good and evil. I’ve been with him for so long that I don’t know what kind of person I would be without him. But I guess it’s time to find out.

I drifted towards Castiel and I’s room, knowing he would be in there reading a book, waiting for me to go to bed. Tear already formed in my eyes.

I just stood in the doorway for a couple of seconds. Just watching him read his book and remember all the times when we were happy.

“What are you doing?” Castiel asked, seeing me lean against the doorway of our room.

“Just watching my cute boyfriend.” I smiled, watching him get up and walk over to me.

“Now, why are you watching me?” He tilted his head in the way that I love. With a slight shake of my head and a smile, I lean up and kiss him. “Now, what was that for?’

“Being you,” I replied, grabbing his hand and dragging him to bed. Cuddling him is my favorite thing to do. Well, just anything to do with him is my favorite thing to do.

How can I let him go? How can I let this love that we once had mean nothing to me? No matter what happened between the two of us, I love him, I will always love him.

But he isn’t happy anymore. The light in his eyes, the innocent-ness in his voice is gone. And whether that is because of me or not, I need to let him go and find the happiness that he once had. He wouldn’t if he was with me, the part of him that sees only good and evil would think of searching for his own happiness and leaving me as evil. Even if it is what he needs to do. He won’t. Not without a push.

“I don't wanna say it but somebody's gotta say that it's over.” His head jerks away from the book, and the way he tilts it breaks my heart more.

“What?”

“We’re over, Cas.”

“No, we’re not.” He gets up and I wish that I could kiss like before, but that would only hurt me now.

“I am all out of options,” Tears spill, wetting my cheeks. “I don't wanna say it but somebody's gotta say that it's over.”

“I don’t understand,” He whimpers. “Do you not love me anymore?”

“I do love you. I have loved you since the day I met you and I will love you until my dying breath.” My hand acts on its own, moving its way up to touch Castiel’s cheek like I always do when he’s upset. “The strain of time tore us apart. It's not what we want but it's where we are. And I know the fault is partly mine. I miss those nights that we'd talk for hours. About our dreams and our desires. But all that's gone and all that's left is bitterness.”

“I know that everything hasn’t been the best but you want to give up?”

“If it means that you can be happy, yes.” I cry. “I can hate myself for this. You can say that I'm a selfish bitch. It doesn't change my mind. Someone's gotta take the fall. So I'll be first to cross the line.”

“Please don’t do this, Y/N.” He grabs my arm as I tried to walk away. For a second, I hesitate, I want to turn around say ‘I’m sorry’ and stay but he will just resent me later. So I rather he hate me now.

Teaser

I’ll Be Your Teacher

Omega

I Don’t Know 

True Omega

Goodbye

“How?”

“We all go through this.” You start walking closer to him. Thankfully he isn’t backing up this time. “We all have to learn and be taught.”

Still breathing heavily, he nods.

“You know, Derek was terrible at control when he was young.”

“He was?”

“Yeah,” you laugh, remembering the times when he would get caught running around town in nothing but tennis shoes on the full moon. “Absolutely terrible at it.”

“Who ways the best?”

“Probably, Laura, Derek’s older sister.”

“The one we found in the woods?” You paused. Somehow in the chaoticness of everything that’s happened in the past couple of days, you forgot that Laura was dead. She’s dead. Of course, for the past two years, you were so mad at her for rejecting you. But she was your sister. She was your blood.

Now she’s dead.

“Yeah, her.” You took a step back like you were trying to step away from any talk of Laura. Before you can back up more, Scott stops you.

“Please, talk some more,” He begs with his hand on your arm.

Nodding you whisper, “You need to keep your heart rate down to stop the shift.”

“How do I do that?”

“You find what we call an anchor or a nice thought that will make you feel safe and calm.” You whisper, getting close to him again. Touching his cheek, you remember all the times you wanted to be held while you were going through a shift. “Or at least make you feel strong enough to control yourself.”

“A thought?!” He yells as he felt himself lose control again. You scramble back, hoping to not ruin one of your only good shirts.

“A thought, a memory, a person. Anything!” You yell back, trying to get to him before he finally loses control.

“What’s yours?”

“My dad,” you whisper softly. “And my mom, and Laura, and an alpha who told me I was too weak for his pack.”

“Why?” He looks at you with his golden eyes and you remember a time when you had golden eyes. A time when you were young and innocent and the weight of your world hadn’t settled itself on your chest. Now your eyes are blue and your soul tainted. The innocence is gone and the weight so heavy some days, you forget how to breathe.

“Everyone who has ever told me I wasn’t good enough for them, everyone who made me feel worthless.”

He screams, gripping his head. “You need to think. What is your anchor?”

It takes a few moments but eventually his breathing becomes lighter and his eyes were a chocolate brown again. You sighed and gave a little laugh making him give you a funny look.

“What?” He asks.

“I thought you were gonna kill me for a second,” you laugh stepping closer to him. You were about to hug him when you saw something from the corner of your eye. Turning, you see a very confused Allison Argent standing by the bleachers. Looking back at Scott, you can see a look of regret on his face. His anchor is Allison. That’s why he calmed down when she came out. Of course it was Allison. She’s pretty and smart and popular. You were nothing compared to her. You were small and quiet and alone. All she’s known is friends and family, and all you’ve know is being pushed away and forgotten. Who can blame him for wanting her and not you?

“I-I was supposed to study with her,” he whispers, scratching his neck. You nod before taking a step back. You give him a small smile to tell him it’s ok. He returns the smile and runs over to her.

Sighing, you watch them leave.

You’re alone again.

~~~~~~~

“What are you doing out here?” A familiar voice asks you as you were studying calculus in the hallway. Tilting your head, you see a very concerned Stiles standing over you.

“I had a free period and nothing better to do, so I’m studying,” You chuckle before continuing to read your textbook and notes. Ignoring the sounds of shuffling, you assume that Stiles left. You were wrong. He sat down next to you and started reading your notes with you.

“I thought you and Scott were on the lacrosse field.”

“He found something better to do.” Stiles nods, letting the silence fill the space again, which was probably the hardest thing for him to do. Unfortunately for you, it only lasts a few moments.

“What’s more important than learning to not kill people on the full moon?” He ponders.

“Allison Argent.”

“oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault, stiles.” You say shortly, hoping that you can get back to your silence. But your hopes were gone when you hear the sound of giggles and footsteps from down the hall.

Lydia Martin and her boyfriend, Jackson, come running down the hall. They stop in front of the couch’s office before Lydia pushes Jackson inside. Stiles visibly flinches when the sound of the door slamming shut echoes.

“You still hopelessly and helplessly in love with Lydia Martin?” You ask partly as a joke and partly because you want to know. Stiles gives a little laugh before turning to look at you.

“You still hopelessly and helplessly in love with Scott McCall?”  In return you laugh too.

“I guess we are just both a couple of hopeless and helpless idiots,” you whisper with your eyes on the couch’s door. Were Scott and Allison doing the same, somewhere else in the school? “Who needs love when all it does is hurt you?”

Stiles sighs, grabbing your hand and holding it in his, he let you have your quiet again.

But this is Stiles we are talking about, and how long can he go without saying anything?

“Are you coming to the game tonight?”

“I-I don’t know stiles.”

“Please, please, for me? At least, come for me.” You nod, smiling at the spastic boy beside you.

~~~~~~

Scott and Stiles’ team were down by five with two minutes left. You can hear the faint heartbeats of the players, smell the sweat dripping off of them and adrenaline pumping in their veins. You hated lacrosse games. Too much is happening and you don’t know what to do.

“Scott is right there.” You hear someone whispering from across the bleachers. Allison Argent. And she’s brought her entire family with her. Her entire family, who have all tried to kill at least a dozen times. Your heart starts beating frantically. You need to get out of here. If they see you, they will try to kill you again. And you're weaker now than you were the last time you had a run-in with them. Your senses are not nearly as strong as they are supposed to be. You won’t survive if they come after you.

Just as you are about to get up, you make eye contact with Scott. He tilts his head in the way that a puppy does when they are confused. You are certain he can hear your heart beating and can smell your fear. You quickly make the realization that Stiles asked you to come for Scott, he needs you here.

“It’s ok, I’m ok, just keep playing,” you whisper into your hand so that the Argent can’t see that you are talking but Scott can hear you. He mutters back a quick response before darting off down the field. Watching him play, you make a wish that you hope and pray will come true. You wish that when you find the alpha that he will let you into his pack with Scott.

“Maison,” you hear someone else whisper. “I think Scott is losing control.”

Stiles.

Your eyes search for Scott. He should’ve scored two balls but everyone was avoiding him even though he was wide open. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, his hands gripping his stick like it was going to take away all his anger. Stiles was right, he’s losing control.

“Scott,” You mutter into your hands again. “You need to find your anchor. Let it ground you and remind you that you are strong enough to maintain control.”

He doesn’t respond for a while, probably trying to control his breathing. Trying and failing.

“Keep talking,” he grunts.

“Scott, you’re not a monster. You’re a werewolf.” You lay your head into your hands. “Not all monsters do monstrous things. But if you lose control, then you will become a monster. You will kill someone.”

“What do your eyes mean?” He asks and from the way that he says it, you can tell that he’s wanted to ask it for a while. “Derek has the same eyes. Is it because you are a different type of werewolf?”

“I am a different type of werewolf,” you sigh. “Derek and I were born as werewolves. But our eyes don’t represent that. Our eyes mean that we did do monstrous things.”

“What did you do?”

“Scott, please.” You don’t want to tell him. He won’t look at you the same anymore.

“Please, your talking is helping.”

“I-I,” you stutter, “My dad used-used to beat the shit out of me. He would hit me, kick me, break my legs or arms, burn me. One day after he beat me so bad I couldn’t move, he brought over some friends. There were nine of them, ten including my dad. They-they tried to-to...”

You couldn’t finish. Most nights you remember what happened in your dreams. Most nights you wake up screaming and crying. It haunts you to this day.

“I was thirteen-years-old, Scott. I was so scared. I just lost control. I blacked out and when I woke up, they were all dead. I had ripped them apart. Every single one of them, including my dad.”

Scott was completely silent.

“I ran away after that. I went to New York to follow Derek and Laura.” You hope silently that he doesn’t hate you now. “But-but Laura rejected me from her pack. I’ve been alone almost my entire life. There were about six months when I lived with my mom but she died in the hale fire, so I had to go back to my dad.”

He doesn’t respond for a while.

“Maison, I don’t think that he’s calming down!” Stiles calls out to you as the timer goes off.

“Get him into the locker room,” You say when you run onto the field to help. Everyone else disbanded so it was safe. “Come one, let’s go.”

~~~~

“Scott, calm down!” You yell while You and Stiles hold Scott under the spray of the shower. Scott roars and starts thrashing around. “Find your anchor!”

“I’m gonna rip them apart,” He yells.

“No, Scott! They are innocent! They didn’t do anything wrong!” You yell back, struggling to hold him.

“Yes, they did! I’m going to kill all of them!”He struggles against your’s and Stiles’ hold.

“Stiles, on three let him go, ok?”

“ok.”

“One.”

“Two.”

To fulfill a childhood hope of yours. Scott McCall and Stiles Stilinski. Mainly Scott McCall.

Growing up, you were always in their class, all the way up until you ran away. You had talked to them, helped them with their school work. You even impressed them with your knowledge of basically anything, but they never wanted to be your friend or show you any attention. After a while, you got used to it. No one ever wanted you, so what’s two more names added to the list, right?

But the seven-year-old little girl in you wanted to at least try.

“Dude, you made first line?” You hear a voice in front of you ask.

“I told you, man, this year is my year,” another voice-Scott McCall, himself-replies before looking across the classroom at someone. Allison Argent. The seven-year-old girl in you hates that. Allison’s family has tried to kill you several times, each meeting you barely made it out. But that’s not why you hate it. You hate it because of this stupid, pathetic crush you’ve harbored for Scott since the 3rd grade. It was completely crazy but you couldn’t stand to see him want her. Not when you’ve wanted him for so long.

“Are you coming to the game tomorrow?” The first voice -Stiles- ask. There’s silence for a moment before you realize he’s talking to you. Lifting your head, you see both boys staring at you.

“Of course,” you say shortly, before silently cursing yourself.

“It’s gonna be my first game,” Scott says, giving you a small smile.

“I would say good luck but you’re gonna do great out there.”

“McCall, Stilinski, Locks, do I need to separate you?” The teacher calls.

“No, sir,” the three of you say in unison.

You look at Scott once silence gathers among the students and the teacher starts talking. His scent changed a couple of days ago, and for a while, you couldn’t figure out why. Because of your weakened senses, it was hard for you to tell that he was bitten by the same alpha that brought you here. But now you clearly tell the difference in him.

This could be really good or really bad. This could be your first-class ticket to the pack you’ve always wanted or a first-class ticket to the afterlife.

~~~~~~~~~~

“You shouldn’t have come back.” Derek paces the floors of his old, burnt house.

“You came back,” You mutter before receiving a glare from your half brother.

“It’s dangerous here.”

“It’s dangerous everywhere for an omega!” Derek gives you a sympathetic look. You hate that look. You hate pity and everything that comes with it.

“Y/N-“

“You don’t get it, Derek! Laura rejected me! Mom rejected me!” You scream, your face turning red but you don’t care. There things you’ve been needing to say to him since you were 13. “I’ve been alone my entire life! You’ve had a pack, you’ve had teachers to teach you control. You wanna know how I learned? By sneaking into that fucking backyard and watching mom teach Laura! That’s how I learned!”

“Y/N,” he stops himself halfway, tilting his head slightly. For as long as you’ve known Derek, you’ve gotten to learn what he does when his certain senses are working.

“You hear something, don’t you?” You ask, grabbing his arm. He shakes you off and starts walking out the front door.

“Wait here.” Even though you don’t want to, you follow his instructions, staying almost completely still. But the waiting gets to be too much and you walk outside to stand behind Derek.

“I told you to stay inside,” he snarls at you, grabbing your arm but you shrug him off as he did to you.

“Maison?” The boy that Derek was talking to asks. You almost don’t respond before you remember that the name you’ve been called since you got back was Maison Locks. There was no way to know how many people knew that Y/N L/N was the love child of Talia Hale and F/N L/N. It was safer to be Maison Locks until you find out who the alpha is.

“Scott, what are you doing here?” You ask the boy that you have always secretly wanted to notice you. He never did, not until you came back a month ago. Now he and Stiles Stilinski talk to you in English and chemistry. But he doesn’t remember you from before, he just knows you as Maison.

“I just offered to teach him how to control the shift,” Derek says from the steps of the house. Your feet have worked on their own and now you are standing face to face with Scott McCall.

“I wouldn’t say yes,” you whisper in his ear so that Derek wouldn’t hear. You catch yourself saying these things, partly for payback, partly to spend some time with the boy. “He’s not the best teacher. Short-temper and all.”

“How am I supposed to learn how not to shift and almost murder Allison then?” Allison. You forgot about Allison. Of course, this is about Allison. “Or play lacrosse without hurting someone?”

“I can teach you,” you whisper again, less eager this time. This stupid crush of yours is interfering with your mind. Originally, you were just gonna come and find the alpha. Now you are a sophomore at Beacon Hills High School, only because you saw Scott at the grocery store. How are you supposed to find the alpha if you are teaching a new beta how to control himself. But you can’t stop yourself. All you have ever wanted was to have friends and people to depend on. Whether that was a pack or a group of friends. And you always wanted to be his friend.

“You can teach me?”

“I can, I’m an excellent teacher.” That was not a complete lie but it wasn’t also the truth. No one has ever cared enough about you to talk to you for more than ten minutes, much less have you teach them anything. So you taught yourself, maybe you will be a horrible teacher.

“You’re a werewolf?” He asks hesitantly. Nodding, you look up at him with your glowing blue eyes.

“Ok, ok,” he nods before taking a step back. You try to ignore the familiar aching pain in your heart. You tell yourself you’re used to it. Why would anyone want to be close to the omega? Except for your father, but you’re quick to push the thought of. Thoughts like that make controlling yourself hard.

“We’ll start tomorrow,” you say with a small smile. Turning and walking away, your smile grows to a large grin when you see Derek. Hearing crunching of leaves, you know that Scott has left and you are free to speak freely with Derek.

But when you step onto the stairs, he grabs your arm roughly, pulling you close. “That was a stupid move, omega.” His blue eyes looking at you in a way you’ve never seen them look at you. Like he hates you too. “How would an omega teach anyone, anything?”

Your strength surprises him and you when you yank your arm from his hold. Your own blue eyes echoed back to his. You’re angry, no beyond angry. For your entire life, everyone has always told you how worthless and unwanted you are. But never Derek. Never your brother, who always said how much he cared about you and wanted to protect you. But this, this isn’t him caring about you, this is him trying to dominate you. And you won’t have it.

“No, Derek, the stupid move was you thinking that you can treat me like a worthless omega.” You back away from him, shaking your head. You want to escape this. Escape the emotions you are feeling, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger. You want to leave it all. “Born werewolves are taught that we can rise and fall through the ranks. How fucking untrue is that? Once you’re an omega, you will always stay an omega.”

“That’s not true, Y/N.” He tries to get close to you, but you keep stepping back, away from him.

“No? What alpha wants another alpha’s trash? Their unwanted, worthless scum that doesn’t deserve a pack?” You keep talking, trying to push away the tears. “I just thought you were different than the rest.”

And then you were gone, gone from the emotions, from the man you thought was your brother, gone from this hurting.

~~~~~~~~

Because you watched your mother teach Laura, you learned more than just control. You are an evolved werewolf, just like your mother and Laura were.

Not many people know. You weren’t even sure if Derek knew, but it didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered right now, then getting home.

You should’ve driven, especially if the Argents are patrolling the woods. But you’re faster as a wolf; stronger, more in tune with your senses. You figured that you were safer running through the woods as a wolf than driving down the highway in your car.  

But now every noise you hear is scaring you. Every snap of a branch, every call of an owl. You aren’t safe. Your senses are in hyperdrive. Something’s coming. You need to get out of the woods.

You used to know every inch of this town. Every crack on the sidewalk. Every route to get to places. But two years away from Beacon Hills has interrupted your mind’s map of the small town. The panic that is rushing through your veins doesn’t help at all.

Where is the closest business or building that I can go to? You think.  

Come on! think, Y/N, think!

I am on the edge of the woods. I’ve been running north since I left Derek.

Where am I?

What am I near?

Your heart pounds in your ear. The sounds of your breathing fill the air, and you begin the wonder if whatever is after you can hear it too. You need to think and think quickly.

Deaton.

~~~~~~~

You pound on the door, soaking wet from the rain that at some point began falling. You’re shaking, whether that from fear or the cold, you can’t tell.

Come on, Deaton. Open up, you plead in your mind.

The door opens slowly and you release a breath that you didn’t know you were holding.

“Maison?” The person that opened the door asks. It was definitely not Deaton.

“Scott?” You whisper. Your senses are weaker in your human form and that scares you more than anything. “Can I come in?”

He nods and widens the door for you. Giving him a gentle smile, you step into the veterinarian clinic. You had seen your mother and other alphas coming here so many times. This place, in your mind, had always meant safety. Deaton had probably patched up more of your wounds than you cared to admit.

“What are you doing here?” Scott asks, interrupting your train of thought.

You suddenly become very interested in your hands. “I was scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know.” It was embarrassing to admit. It made you seem weak, and you hated being seen as weak.

“Was it hunters?” He asks, kneeling to be face to face with you. He was kind, you knew that about him already but he surprised you with just how kind he was. He wasn’t treating you like a pathetic child whose afraid of the dark. He actually wants to know what was scaring you.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I have my mom’s car for the next couple of hours. Do you want me to take you home once I close up?” you nod.

Scott smiles at you before standing up and cleaning up the clinic. You watch him move, watch the way he glides through the room. You had never met someone who was like him or someone you liked as much as you like him. You probably won’t ever.

“Ready to go?”