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frankenstein

pairing ↠ stepbrother!haechan x (f) reader

genre .. warnings ↠ smut, noncon, dubcon, abuse, stepcest, misogyny, the patriarchy is deeply embedded within the story, religious themes here and there, dialogues regarding childbirth and pregnancy

summary ↠ in a world where your body belongs more to your future husband than it ever will to you, it makes sense that your brother, by law or by birthright, owns you too. when your father died, you were convinced that was the worst thing that could ever happen to you. you hadn’t met haechan yet.

wc ↠ 30k (my biggest fic ever)

a/n ↠ revehae’s disbandment fic… if it’s not already obvious, my beliefs do not align with the beliefs frequently portrayed in this story. it is not my intention to romantize any abuse or toxic behavior you may read. also, i had to compact some lines to meet the tumblr block limit (about 40 of them), so if some things read weirdly or a block of text seems huge, i apologize. as always, feedback is appreciated!

don’t like it, don’t read.

night had settled and naturally your body had begun to loosen with the need for rest, your eyelids getting heavy.

every now and then, you would hear a cacophony of boisterous laughs from downstairs just moments before you could slip away completely. at the threshold of sleep, but constantly interrupted. with an exasperated sigh, you resigned yourself to watching television for a while, at least until the boys wore themselves out for the night. but every time you had to turn the volume up another notch, you felt your irritation ramping.

deciding you were at your breaking point, you stuffed your feet into your house slippers and marched down the stairs straight into the living room, huffing, “can you guys please be a little quieter? i’ve been trying to sleep for an hour.”

your stepbrother, haechan, and his three partners in crime, jeno, jaemin, and mark, all glanced at you. there was a lull of silence before they each burst into laughter. “my sweet sister,” haechan said, setting his cup on the coffee table and standing up from where he’d been seated with the others. “what did i tell you about making demands?”

you stiffened. you hadn’t meant to come off that way, but could he blame you for being cranky? sue you for wanting to get some sleep. preferably before the night was over with. “i’m not trying to make demands,” you replied, your tone shifting to something gentler. “i was just asking for a favor.”

“we owe you favors?” haechan asked, the question clearly not meant to be answered. you shuddered when his hand met the small of your back. he cocked his head towards the kitchen. “let’s have a chat.”

your feet carried you there on their own accord when your mind failed you.

“now,” haechan started, shaking his head in dissatisfaction, and sucked his teeth. “that little stunt aside, what did i tell you about coming out when my friends are around?”

“not to do it,” you murmured.

“that’s right,” haechan sang, his hands gentle around your body and his own throbbing with warmth, but his touch still made you freeze. “that could have been a phone call and i might have been more inclined to be nice. but you disobeyed me. you’ve been doing that a lot, sweetheart. so now you’re gonna have to learn why it’s important to listen to me.”

your brows furrowed, and you were desperate to know what he meant by that. you knew him well enough to recognize when you were on the verge of being disciplined. your stepbrothers punishments had been unpleasant, at the very least.

haechan grinned at the obvious look of dread on your face and the stiffness in your posture, and called out to the boys. when they entered the kitchen with mischievous smiles on their lips, each more so than the last, he leaned into you and whispered, “each of my friends has had a little too much to drink tonight, and when men drink, well, let’s just say it makes us do things we wouldn’t normally do.”

you knew he wasn’t saying that to give you a reminder of the effects alcohol had on human inhibition; he was telling you to warn you about what was going to happen any moment now. your eyes widened. “haechan, no, please,” you begged, suddenly wide awake. you frantically hid behind him, panicked.

haechan snickered. they all did. “ah, ah, ah,” he sang, grabbing a hold of you and not only pushing you in front of him, but sending you stumbling into the arms of his friends. “you don’t get to hide now when you weren’t supposed to come out in the first fucking place.”

you had never felt so many hands on your body at once. your torso twisted and turned, shrinking into itself in hopes of recoiling away from every touch, but it was a pointless endeavor. “your little sister is so pretty, haechan,” said mark. “she’s so squirmy,” teased jaemin. “look at her trying to get away,” noted jeno. they all laughed.

“please, stop,” you pleaded, your eyes burning with unshed tears. “haechan, please, make them stop!”

haechan shook his head, and as far as you could tell, his eyes had been approving. “sorry,” he apologized without a hint of sincerity. “but you have to learn.”

fingers slithered up your thigh. “where you going, baby?”

there were a set of hands cupping your supple breasts, another groping your ass, and one more slipping underneath the band of your sleep shorts. you couldn’t tell which was which; your mind was trapped in a panic, and they were all the same. “shh,” jaemin crooned, palming your hair almost with tenderness. “we’re just having a little fun. no doubt haechan would throw a fit if we actually tried to depurify his innocent little sister.”

by the end of the night, you realized jaemin had been right. the three of them touched you and mauled you, but haechan didn’t let them do anything more. apparently, he was just teaching you a lesson. not that that had made it any better. haechan had been watching his friends fondle you for minutes on end, doing nothing in spite of your pleas. the moment he finally decided he’d seen enough and told them to release you, you’d sprinted back upstairs and locked yourself in your room like you should have done from the beginning.

your resentment deepened. never had you quite loved this strange family your mother had married into. your stepfather was a tall, stout businessman who was the chief executive of a technology powerhouse, which sounded awe-inducing out loud, but you always found him painfully arrogant and entitled. as the saying goes, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and haechan was no different.

the worst part was that your mother made you serve him. made you fix his dinner when he was hungry, wash his clothes when they were dirty, clean up behind him and his friends. it was infuriating, because he had maids for that purpose, but insisted on having you do it for some peculiar reason. your mother agreed with him; she thought it was important you learned how to take care of a man.

when your father died, you were convinced that was the worst thing that could ever happen to you. you hadn’t met haechan yet.

on a particularly sunny afternoon, you had gotten dressed to go out to the mall with your best friend and made the unfortunate mistake of walking past haechan, who took one look at you and asked, “you’re really going out wearing that?”

“what’s wrong with it?” you asked in annoyance, glancing down at your outfit. “it’s modest.”

haechan retorted in a heartbeat, “yeah, modest and outdated as shit. you look like your name is velma.” he stood up and grabbed a hold of you, which you didn’t take kindly to, all things considered. “let’s go to your room. i’m not letting you go outside like this. it reflects poorly on the family image.”

you stifled a sigh, knowing better than to protest against him.

“take that shit off,” haechan commanded once you entered your bedroom.

you begrudgingly obeyed him, shedding the long dress with black buttons that formed a line on the front. it was a little dated, perhaps, but you dressed that way to honor your deceased grandmother. your father had liked it. he said it kept alive his mother’s memory.

haechan had been going through your closet in pursuit of something that suited his taste, so when he finally did turn around and see you half naked, he paused. “you look better that way,” he said after a moment.

you were affronted, and your body tensed in remembrance of what had happened the last time you felt so vulnerable.

“relax,” haechan teased, shoving a bright yellow sundress decorated with white daffodils into your arms. “put this on.”

the moment you donned the dress, you swore haechan almost looked happy to see you for the first time. his eyes took in the sight of you and it gave you the feeling of something unstill in the very pit of your stomach, even though in the moment he had silently looked at you, your body had seldom moved.

haechan was pleased. “so you do own something that’s not entirely unwearable. you know, they say fine feathers make fine birds.”

it took everything in you not to roll your eyes. “can i go now?”

“patience, miss mary mack,” haechan chastised playfully, grabbing a hat and purse from your closet, also yellow in color. “here. wear this.” with that, haechan turned and walked out of your room. apparently, that was all the consultation he had to offer.

when you were finally at the mall with your best friend chaewon, you couldn’t help but notice something unusual; there were too many eyes on you. you were used to being paid attention to in certain settings, usually in occasions related to your stepfather’s job where everyone recognized you as an attachment to him. his young, beautiful, unmarried stepdaughter.

this was different. not many people knew you, and yet for whatever reason, you could feel stares from numerous directions. most of the time when you went out with chaewon, they were only looking at her. you could count on both hands, if not more, the amount of times you’d been offered things for free just because a stranger felt moved by her beauty.

but as you stood in the middle of a jewelry store, chaewon was unbothered, your eyes darting over a bunch of luxury watches that were on display. “ooh, i think jaehyun would like this,” she whispered, pointing to a particular silver one. “wanna get something for haechan?”

“not really,” you murmured. “i don’t really know what he likes.” his personality made you think he would prefer something more flashy like gold, but as you pondered his style, your eyes raked over a watch with a brown leather band.

“he’s so cute, though,” chaewon swooned with a smile, sighing dreamily. “jaehyun said that he doesn’t want me to marry him, but it’s ultimately up to my dad. you should put in a good word for me.”

you frowned for a split second. you had always thought that you would marry whoever your dad selected for you, but now that he was dead, that choice was in the stone cold hands of your stepfather and stepbrother. you made an attempt at humor to cloak your grief. “don’t you have enough suitors already?” you teased.

“well, yeah,” chaewon admitted, despite not sounding deterred. “but imagine how much less my parents would argue if they’d just married someone they actually liked. that’s why we can’t have sleepovers at my house. always fussing.”

she briefly paused, her attention stolen by another watch she thought her brother would find fitting as a gift, and pulled out her phone to take a picture. a thought struck her as her fingers moved. “ooh, plus we would be sisters-in-law!”

you nodded along as she rambled, but you couldn’t understand why she would want to wed haechan of all the men who would love to have her hand in marriage. it made no sense to you; he was unbearable and treated you cruelly. she would never know that, though. whenever chaewon came to your house for sleepovers, haechan was always on his best behavior.

you thought about it a little harder. haechan was the type of man that looked perfect in pictures and on paper. there was no doubt that he was a handsome young man, and sometimes he was admittedly even funny, but as long as you had shared a house with him, you had been increasingly more miserable.

though there was no way in hell you could tell chaewon that, not when it was your responsibility to ensure everyone kept your family in high regards, so you forced a smile and told her cheerfully, “i’ll ask him what he thinks about it.”

chaewon embraced you in a tight hug. “you’re the best.”

“no, chaewon,” you murmured faintly. “you are.”

if you had to give haechan credit for one thing, however, it would have to be the outfit he’d dressed you in. despite being often told you were beautiful, you were particularly lacking in suitors, which was concerning now that you were in your twenties.

these are the years for betrothal, your mother had said the day of your twentieth birthday, and when you closed your eyes to blow out the burning candle, you hoped for all the admirers your father had once vowed you would have, remembering the times he’d spun you in his arms and likened you to a princess with a million knights to defend her honor.

all you had ever wanted was to make your father proud, even if it meant settling with a man that was less like a fairytale, although in the deepest part of your heart, you had dreamed of a husband that treated you as well as your father had done until the day he died.

day by day, the reality of the situation seemed more and more grim, and as you compared yourself to other young women of your years, you concerned yourself less with the quality of men, but the quantity; time was running out, and you knew that if they found it necessary, your mother and her husband would pair you on blind dates with men of their choice sooner than later.

for that reason, and despite yourself, you found yourself standing outside haechan’s bedroom door. you almost turned back, almost decided that you could handle your problems on your own. with your pride, it seemed better to die than to ask him to extend his help, especially when he made it a point to remind you that he owed you no favors. but you knocked anyway, and when you heard the sound of brutal combat and agonized cries cease, you knew he was coming.

“what?” was the first thing haechan said when he answered his door. “i’m in the middle of a game.”

you swallowed. the words seemed physically painful to say. “i need your help.” it was a strained sound.

haechan’s irritation was gone, replaced by something closer to amusement and ridicule. “you need my help?” he repeated, as amazed to hear those words as you were burdened to say them. “i owe you my help?”

god, it was insane how absurdly predictable he was. “no, but i didn’t ask you for help last time, and i believe your words were that my fashion choices ‘reflect poorly on the family image,’” you reminded.

haechan laughed; his owns words probably sounded like the wisdom of god repeated back to him. “this is about your subpar sense of style? why didn’t you say so sooner?” he stepped out of his doorway. “you realized why you should listen to big brother, didn’t you?”

hearing him refer to himself that way was almost as strange as hearing the irony in his voice when he called you, “sweet sister.” he was no brother of yours, no matter what the law or marriage said. nevertheless, you couldn’t deny the truth in the rest of his words; if nothing else had changed, then surely it was your clothing that had deterred men away.

inflating his ego was the last thing you wanted, so your response was a mere soft, “will you help me?”

“you’re lucky you’re my responsibility,” haechan replied, as if it would burden him otherwise. “sure, i’ll help you, but you’re gonna need an entire closet revamp. be ready to leave in thirty minutes.”

he walked backwards into his room and shut the door. thirty minutes later, you were in the passenger seat of haechan’s sleek, luxurious sports car.

haechan was allergic to silence, and gripping the leather wheel, he asked teasingly, “what made you realize your fashion’s off? did you suddenly get special attention when you were out?”

that was exactly what had happened and you hated it. “more or less,” you told him vaguely.

haechan hummed, putting on his blinker. at least he was a mindful driver. “men want things with value. things with no value go in the trash. your pretty face is a waste if you don’t know what to do with it. save the throwbacks for the met gala.”

“thanks for the advice,” you grumbled.

haechan glanced away from the road briefly to throw you a look. “is that snark?”

“no,” you lied. you both knew it.

it didn’t seem to have personally gotten to him, but haechan was still unsatisfied. “you know how old my mom was when she got engaged to my father?” he asked. “nineteen.”

“and how did that work out for her?” you asked sarcastically, given that they were clearly no longer together.

“wonderfully, considering that when they divorced, she walked away with a fortune more than she had before they were married,” haechan retorted without missing a beat.

the man has a response for everything, you grumbled to yourself, exasperated. “i assume there’s a point in there somewhere.”

“if you would let me get there,” haechan groaned, feigning annoyance. “my mother, despite not being from the most wealthy family ever, still managed to marry my dad. do you want to guess why that is?”

“because your dad values things other than money?” you asked, despite finding it difficult to believe.

“close enough. because my dad saw value in her. the way she behaved, the way she carried herself. that was what made him decide that was the woman he wanted to tie himself to.”

you nodded along. “right.”

haechan rolled his eyes. you still didn’t get it. “the point is, my mom had nothing near my dad’s fortune and still managed to compete against richer women from more prominent families. you, my sweet sister, are the stepdaughter of one of the wealthiest men in the country, and yet how many men have you lured with your own effort?”

you were silent, but you knew he was right to an extent. again. of your suitors, they were mostly men that had heard the chief executive had a stepdaughter and decided that was all that they needed to hear. few were organic, which any woman would prefer.

in an effort to spare your pride, you huffed, “you act as if no man wants me at all.”

haechan laughed harshly. “as long as you’re the ceo’s stepdaughter, of fucking course men will want you. my dad is most likely handpicking a list of candidates for you as well. but most girls run up to their fathers and declare, ‘dad, this is the man i want to marry,’ and pray to god that daddy likes him. you expect me to believe that you’re so good of a stepdaughter, you’ll marry whoever my dad tells you to without bothering to find someone yourself first?”

you sighed.

“everybody in this family serves a purpose,” haechan told you, giving you his attention now that he’d stopped at a red light. “my father leads and represents the company. within a year’s time, he’ll retire and i’ll take his place. your mother assists with charities and public image. you need to figure out how you will contribute.”

it would be untrue if you said haechan hadn’t given you something to contemplate. you could have cared less about the family business, but you remembered your father. sometimes he could be conventional to a fault, though you had still loved him with all your heart. the man had put family above all else in the world, and knowing that, you knew you had to do the same.

not to honor this family whose name you didn’t bear and whose blood you didn’t share, but to honor your father. and there was no better way to do that than to transform yourself from a princess to a queen.

haechan brought you to a specific store you knew your stepfamily frequented. when you walked in together, the staff recognized you both and greeted you respectfully. “genesis,” haechan said to one of the workers, a pretty woman with brown hair and fair skin. “my sister here wants to change her style and is in need of a complete overhaul. do me a solid and show us everything you have in season.”

“you got it,” genesis replied with a kind smile. “right this way, mr. lee.”

she led you to a large, private dressing room secluded from the rest of the store. they had your measurements on file, courtesy of previous fittings, and genesis alongside some other workers began to bring out a large selection of outfits.

haechan did most of the talking. all you had to do was step in and out of the clothes, and wait for his nod of approval. “you look best in bold colors,” haechan mused out loud. he turned to genesis. “let’s try these.”

all around you, there were men and women bustling about as they meticulously organized a fine assortment of clothes and shoes and accessories that would complement your appearance. and when you let yourself sink into the moment, you did feel like royalty.

you did pick a few things yourself and haechan gave no protest, before or after he saw your choice. “i don’t think you have bad coordination. you just need to get your head out of the nineteenth century,” he teased.

you had no response for that, none that wouldn’t kill the mood. even when you were a child, your taste in clothing had always favored that of your grandmother, your father’s mother, yet another loss you had too soon faced. perhaps in dressing like her, you were subconsciously honoring her too.

there was a large, golden-framed mirror fixed to the wallpaper that hung tall against its maroon surface, running nearly from the edge of the floor to the roof, and you gazed upon your appearance with little recognition. “do i look good?” you asked, your face still, your eyes neither fond or unfond.

“you look beautiful, miss,” genesis told you adoringly, delicately placing a headband around your head.

to your chagrin, her input was not the one you had intended to hear. haechan grinned, his warm brown eyes seeming to seldom blink as he looked at you. “it’s an improvement.”

but you could see his eyes wandering, appreciative, and there was an awkward blend of discomfort and desperation that clasped you in its arms. on the one hand, you hated the way he looked at you because it reminded you of the night when his friends had groped your body to their hearts’ content, but on the other, it made you feel desirable. and more than anything, you wanted to be desired.

“thank you for your hard work today,” haechan said to the staff members on your way out, giving your bags to a staff worker to take to the car. the man walked the other direction.

your brows stitched together. “we’re not leaving?” you asked, baffled. maybe he wanted to visit the food court.

“no, my sweet sister,” haechan replied silkily, taking your hand in his. “we have one more stop to make first.”

the second stop was another clothing store a floor higher, which you thought nothing of, assuming he simply wanted to view a broader inventory. haechan led you to the fitting room and told you to stay put.

when he came back, he was holding an ivory lingerie set. your eyes went wide. “haechan, this is…”

“i know what it is,” haechan interjected impatiently. “just try it on so i can see if it’s worth the change.”

you were in no particular hurry to don the ivory set, especially considering you could sense the sting of his eyes boring holes through your bare skin, and you couldn’t believe he had asked you to wear something so raunchy. but there he was, restlessly waiting, his gaze expectant.

your movements were begrudging. when you had actually willed yourself to wear it in front of him, your eyes never met his own. the outfit of his choice was thin as paper and form-fitting and hid little to nothing, the color of your flesh exposed in between intricate stitches of white silk and lace. you felt every bit as naked as you were. haechan very clearly liked what he saw. “maybe you aren’t entirely worthless,” he said, reaching out to brush his hands over your figure. you shuddered.

he stepped back, pulling out his wallet.

“alright, you can take it off. for now.” his smile was unsettling. “i’m buying it.”

something told you that that was nothing to celebrate. after haechan paid, you left the stores for good, and he held the bag himself. “tonight,” he whispered in your ear. “put it on. wait for me. i’m not asking.”

your throat dried, but you nodded your head. what else were you to do?

the rest of your day had been spent rearranging your closet, contemplating heavily what of the clothes you had already owned you would keep, and where to put the ones you couldn’t bring yourself to discard. walking in, you almost never walked out. though it was a time-consuming task, you took delight in shelving your shoes and hanging your clothes. it was distracting.

it lent itself to being a great escape for the trouble which you knew in the back of your mind would find you before the night’s end, and every now and then, you would fleetingly glance back at the singular bag you had yet to open, afraid of its contents.

you wanted to hide. more than anything, you wanted to disappear beneath a mountain of armani tops and miu miu skirts and gucci loafers, concealed and covered, safe from all that sought to hurt you. but this was the reality that had been chosen for you, even if you hadn’t chosen it.

night fell too quickly. you had prayed for the sun to take its sweet time (even though you were aware it would purely mean delaying the inevitable, no real answer), but she, too, had something to hide from; the moon and the night. you dressed yourself in the lingerie; you waited; your heart hammered against your chest and your stomach twisted.

haechan knocked merely to announce himself and strutted in with his usual confident gait. he took out look at you sitting at the edge of your bed and whistled. “you’re so obedient when you want to be,” he praised. “are you learning, sweetheart? what happens when you don’t listen to me?”

you had no clue what would have happened, not specifically, but you were in no way inclined to find out.

haechan joined you on your mattress, sitting beside you. his warm hand wandered to your thigh and you felt your body lock with the wariness of a woman who had felt danger and recognized its emergence. “you’re still upset with me,” he pointed out. “for letting my friends touch you.”

your eyes closed, and you yearned to go anywhere but back to that moment.

“believe me,” haechan whispered, his rough fingers creeping higher, farther. “i didn’t want to. but you weren’t taking me seriously. so much disobedience, so much attitude. i figured you would learn then. and like always, i was right.”

“haechan,” you called his name softly, light as a feather. “i don’t want to do this. what if my mom and your dad find out?”

haechan brushed his thumb against your bottom lip. “if you keep that pretty mouth shut, they won’t.”

you swallowed harshly. something had to work. “but you’re my brother…”

haechan completely dismissed your concerns. “exactly. i own you, remember? i can do whatever the hell i want with you. and if i want to fuck you til i can’t anymore, then i’ll do that.”

“i’m supposed to wait…”

haechan groaned. “your future husband doesn’t have to know.”

he lay you down on your back and mounted you, his knees on either side of your body as he bound you to the mattress by your wrists.

“he’ll lie to you, you know,” haechan murmured against your neck, pressing kisses there. “you can lie back and tell him that you’re a virgin. you think he’ll know the difference?”

you squirmed underneath his weight.

haechan straightened up and smacked your hardly clothed cunt, declaring, “that’s a myth.”

you gasped out. as he drew back, haechan admired the view of you sprawled out before him on the bed, the delicate designs of the lingerie teasing him just enough to evoke a carnal curiosity of a sort. your nipples were obscured, but he could see the upper and underside of your breasts, the soft, moistened surface of your stomach, and the plush, malleable flesh of your thighs.

“my god,” haechan said in amazement. “where do i even begin with you?”

you didn’t answer, but that wasn’t a surprise to haechan. you knew better than to spite him with words, and you knew they wouldn’t persuade him.

haechan paid attention to everything. that which he wanted to see, and that which he didn’t. and it was very obvious that you were anxious. “you don’t have to be nervous,” he assured you, his saccharine voice almost affectionate. “i’ll be gentle. relatively.”

his lips met your skin again, kissing your neck, your collarbone, your shoulders. he could have self-restraint when he so desired, and at the moment, he was summoning all of his willpower. he had this unwavering feeling that he would thank himself later.

you only wanted it to be over. there seemed no way around haechan getting what he wanted, and though there was nothing stopping you from confiding in your mother, you had doubts about her backbone; even if she heard your concerns, you feared that she would ignore them if it meant preserving her marriage. you figured that was why she had you placate her husband’s child.

haechan slipped his hand underneath the crotch of the lingerie and ran his fingers over your slit, testing the waters. dissatisfied, he slipped the fabric to the side and spat between your legs, using it as lubricant as he worked a finger inside. “need you to relax for me,” he murmured.

you weren’t sure how to relax; your body was uncalm and so was your mind, plagued with the reminder of how wrong this was and the memory of how crude the first touches your body received had been, both cementing you in a state of sheer weakness. you had always known, as every woman did, that your body was never truly your own, but this was unlike anything you had ever braced yourself for.

haechan didn’t try to uncover the thoughts in your head just yet. he had no use for them. to him, the more pressing matter was the heat between your legs, and he was more preoccupied with stoking the flames.

your body tightened around his fingers as he stuck in another, the pair steadily collecting your moisture as haechan tried to open you up for him. his eyes flitted over your body, tense as ever, and he shook his head, complaining, “you’re like a damn crab.”

you couldn’t help it. every inch of you was rigid. as you had come to know, haechan got this dangerous look on his face whenever a lightbulb went off in his head, and now was no different. he never withdrew his fingers, but he crouched between your legs to flick his tongue over your sensitive bundle of nerves.

that got you jumping.

haechan lapped at you as his digits moved inside you, working together to unravel you enough that you could take him. your hands gripped the bedding and your soft moans filled the rest of the silence that went untouched by the sound of your body slickening with unwanted arousal. you tilted your head and bit your lip, hoping to suppress your own noises. it was humiliating.

haechan was finally able to include a third finger with ease, and by that point, he was confident he had done ample work, but he kept going. the thought of what you would sound like when you came for him entered his mind with no intention of vacating, and he decided he would see it for himself.

you could feel it, the fire building rapidly in your core. haechan sensed it too; your body was more restless and your breathing was heavier and some smaller details that weren’t lost on him. he smirked against your folds. “that’s it. don’t fight it, sunshine. just come for me.”

unable to keep your impending orgasm at bay, you trembled in climax at last, hiding your face in a pillow not only to smother your sounds, but to minimize your embarrassment. you clenched around his three, slender digits and your body eased despite yourself.

haechan withdrew his slick fingers from your dripping cunt and sucked them into his mouth with a hum of delight. “now you’re ready for my cock.” he didn’t wait for you to respond. you watched with a speeding heart as he undid his clothes and suddenly realized how much more exposed you had been compared to him, how you were vulnerable and waiting.

haechan grabbed a condom from the right side pocket of his fallen leather jacket and rolled it onto his hardened length. you squirmed when he got closer, but haechan was unfazed, spreading your legs back apart and steadily making his way inside.

you quietly whimpered, “haechan.” the stretch was unlike anything you had taken before, more intense then his fingers alone. you were wet enough to handle it, haechan had made sure of that much, but no preparation could compare when you were so used to being empty.

haechan took his sweet time. in a strange act of kindness, he extended his hand for you to hold, which you did. “i know,” he murmured, kissing your face. “i know, sweetheart. it’s okay. you can take it.”

you nodded your head, your hand never daring to leave his. haechan watched your face as he gingerly coaxed himself deeper, your walls expanding around his girth. soft, high moans escaped him as he filled you to the hilt. you met his eyes for the first time, having somehow mustered the courage, and for a minute, something kept you from looking away.

sooner than later, haechan had sheathed himself inside you completely, but he didn’t move yet. “there you go. i told you that you could take it,” he praised, cradling your cheeks in his hands. “does it hurt?”

most of your voice failed and you managed a tiny, “no.” on the contrary, there was an unusual pleasure in being filled by him.

haechan grinned. “good. i’m gonna start moving, okay? nice and slow.”

you wordlessly nodded your head.

haechan began to thrust in and out of you, dragging himself back and forth through your slick heat. the friction and the warmth of him was pleasant, and your pussy gushed around him with every movement. at the sound of your own wetness, you flushed and covered your face.

“you’re so damn shy,” haechan teased. he gently pried your hand away from your face. “don’t hide. i want to see that pretty little face showing me how good i’m making you feel.”

you shook your head, ashamed. you had always been told to wait. to lie beneath him in this manner felt forbidden and you knew it as surely as you knew the sun would come, but the knowing did not cease the feeling, and the feeling did not sate the knowing.

it didn’t help that haechan had set a comfortable pace, his thrusts neither too fast nor too hard; they were long, deep strokes that filled you just right and allowed him to savor the way your pussy throbbed around and kneaded his cock for dear life. you were both making a mess of each other and you utterly despised it.

haechan was perceptive to a fault and he knew your shame was likely most of what kept you quiet. had your parents not been home, though they surely wouldn’t hear you when their own rooms were many yards away (though that didn’t account for maids and servants with busy mouths), he would have been less lenient. “i hate quiet sex,” haechan grumbled. “talk to me.”

your face was hot and your ears burned. “i don’t know what to say.”

haechan’s grin was smug. “that’s an easy fix. tell me how much you like me inside of you.”

you did like the feel of him inside of you. more than you cared to admit. the feeling of being full pleased you more than you had anticipated. “i… thought it would be worse,” you murmured.

that amused haechan. “worse, huh? you thought i wouldn’t take care of you?”

“yeah,” you replied faintly. it seemed so unlike him, with how cruel he had been.

haechan leaned lower and caressed your face with his thumb. “if you act like a woman, i’ll treat you like a princess,” he crooned. then, he tugged at your hair and pulled you toward him, not enough to cause you any pain, but enough to draw a startled gasp out of you and make his threat clear. “if you don’t, i treat you like a peasant. understand?”

the words leapt out of your mouth. “i understand!”

“good girl,” he sang, releasing you. “you could make some man really happy one day, you know that?”

you peered up at him. your mouth wouldn’t close. “you think so?”

haechan hummed. his hands cupped your breast and slowly but surely made their way to your hips as his thrusts slowed to a halt. the coldness of his rings made you shudder. “with practice,” he said, admiring the fucked-out looked on your face, his handiwork. “i see in you what my dad saw in my mom. you just need a little training. i could perfect you. would you like that?”

“well, i don’t…”

haechan cut you off. “just think about it. imagine all the men lining up for you to have you on their arm. your mother would stop nagging you. she’d stop comparing you to your friend, too.”

those images flashed in your mind as they often did, the way men would gawk and stare and compete among themselves, vying for your hand in marriage. they would do their best to impress your stepfather, going to war to prove their worthiness. it was easy to imagine after having it described to you on more occasions than you could count, because when chaewon talked, it was your job to listen and support her. your heart clenched.

haechan raised a brow, still smoothing his hands up and down your body. “did you think i didn’t know?”

you said nothing. haechan seemed to know everything.

haechan felt your body tensing beneath his hands, but if anything, it only spurred him on. “she gives you hell. you try so hard to please mommy, but nothing’s ever enough because you’re not her. and you compare yourself to every other girl in your circle because that’s what she does - pick you apart. so you sit there, ignorant in your ways, wondering if you’re just broken. i bet it’s exhausting.”

your eyes burned with unshed tears. “haechan…,” you trailed off weakly. every word cut deeper than the last.

“i could make you into something even better,” haechan whispered, his face so close to yours as his breath tickled your ear. when he said it like that, it sounded like a promise. “i could turn you into something beautiful that no one could resist and no one would deny. men will look at you and dream of making you their wife. mothers will look at you and back at their own daughters with scorn, wondering why they can’t be more like you. fathers will look at you and hope to god their son brings back a woman even half as wonderful as you could be.”

it felt like you were holding your breath and waiting to die.

then, haechan abruptly pulled back, straightening himself. “or not.” he shrugged his shoulders. “you could just commit to a life of constant critique and never satisfy anyone. you could keep convincing yourself that you don’t care. but every woman cares. it’s in your nature.”

without warning, he started moving again, and it knocked the breath out of you. he was closer now, hot on the tail of release.

haechan’s voice was like silk. “do you want to be perfect, sweetheart?”

you needed it. you longed for it. you craved it more than anything. “yes,” you replied breathlessly.

“then, let me teach you how,” he said, simple as that. a great offer, void of charge. “let me make you perfect.”

you bobbed your head without hesitation, thoroughly sold, unconcerned with what you had given away. he was offering you everything you wanted on a silver platter and you had no intention of denying yourself the opportunity to be everything that everyone wanted.

haechan smiled, and for once, he had nothing to say, either. but his face said it all; he was pleased.

after a few more moments, his thrusts became somewhat sporadic, and after a few moments more, he leaned down and sank his teeth into the smooth flesh of your shoulder as he came, stifling his soft moans. your lips parted, but you didn’t complain; you knew that much better.

he took a moment to gather his bearings, but once his mind had cleared and his legs remembered how to serve him, haechan pulled away and rose to his feet. “come on. let’s get you cleaned up.”

haechan did most of the work, scrubbing you clean and holding you up when your body felt too weak to stand. you almost felt okay when you were back in bed, better than what you had initially feared. rather than used, you felt restless, eager to know and eager to become.

“good night,” haechan said from your doorway. “get some rest. you deserve it.”

with that, he turned and left.

you glanced down at your pristine, white sheets. there was a tiny red spot from where your bodies had been.

the day before your stepfather’s birthday, your mother took you with her to buy ingredients for his birthday cake. there was no need for her to go out, or to keep you in tow, for that matter, but your mother was nothing if not a perfect performer.

“you look different,” she observed.

that had your attention, and you immediately stood up even straighter than you already were. “do i?”

your mother hummed, pleasantly surprised. “yes. more sophisticated.”

grinning from ear to ear, you confessed, “i decided to try a different style.”

your mother gave you a tiny smile of approval, placing her hand on your shoulder. “well, that’s excellent. it suits you better. i was starting to worry i’d made a mistake with you along the way somewhere. your daddy would be turning in his grave.”

your heart clenched at the mention of your late father, but you didn’t let it spoil the moment.

turning the aisle, you mother asked, “don’t you want to know why i brought you here with me?”

you decided you would bite and guessed, “to spend quality time with your only daughter?”

your mother laughed. “to remind you of something. even being married to the richest man on the east side, i have certain things i do as a courtesy. i still have wife duties that my husband expects of me. when you marry a man of your own some day, you will understand. your husband will still expect you to raise his children, not a nanny.”

“ah,” you replied, bobbing your head. “of course, i understand that.”

“good. i don’t want you to hate me for being hard on you now, but i do it with faith that when the time comes, you’ll be prepared. becoming your mother has been the greatest blessing god has ever given me. he will give it to you, too.”

the inevitability of motherhood was something you had already long accepted, years before you could truly even understand what it meant. and maybe even now, you might not have totally known. “amen,” you agreed.

your mother pretended to be looking at her phone, checking her list of ingredients, but you noticed her glancing subtly at a man who had been not so discreetly throwing looks where you two stood at a shelf. she turned to you with a smirk that meant she was up to no good. “do you think he’s looking at you or me?”

you gawked and whispered, “mom, you’re married.”

“oh, please,” she mumbled, lightheartedly rolling her eyes. “marriage is security, honey. a man gets married to have an heir, and a woman gets married to have a man take care of her. it’s accomplished. it’s safety, not love.”

she sounded so sure. you thought of what chaewon had told you, about if her parents had married someone they liked instead. with time, maybe they could have grown to love each other. but first and foremost, marriage was a business proposal, and that was what you had always known.

as much as you loved your parents, you knew the love between them had always been scarce. they’d committed to their roles not out of love, but out of an obligation they thought had been given to them by god. your mother put it best. a man took care of a woman, and a woman took care of a man’s child. what he provided for, the woman nurtured.

“besides, i’m just appreciating,” your mother replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. “more importantly, your stepfather and i are going on a romantic husband-and-wife trip together in the maldives next week for his birthday, so it will just be you, haechan and the servants in the house for two weeks. i trust that you can handle everything he needs. apparently, he really likes your cooking.”

“he’s never told me that,” you murmured. at first, you had just thought he liked to make you needlessly suffer.

“maybe he’s more the physically affectionate type. must run in the family,” she quipped. “oh, and i was told he took you shopping. how was that?”

you thought about it. to be fair, it had been a pleasant day. the staff were patient and kind and hard-working, and you had found all the new clothes, though some styles would be an adjustment, beautiful. there was the end of day, which you knew you could never mention a word of, but it hadn’t been what you dreaded it would be.

the answer you gave your mother was far less complicated, and you simply told her, “it was nice. he helped me pick out a few things. i guess we’re bonding.”

your mother put a hand over her heart. “oh, i’m so happy to hear that. i was worried that maybe you were too old to appreciate the gift of having an older brother.”

“honestly, i think i’m starting to appreciate it now more than ever,” you admitted softly.

“that’s beautiful. your stepfather told me you would eventually get along, but i had trouble believing it. well, i can breathe easier now,” she said, sighing with relief. “alright, let’s go get those damn eggs and get the hell out of here.”

that had been the intention, until she noticed someone whom she’d referred to as the director’s wife, most likely an affiliate of one of the charities she worked with. no sooner had she noticed her son was with her than she’d grabbed you by the arm and took you over to introduce you to him. to your delight, he seemed to like what he saw.

your stepfather’s birthday party seemed to be going as beautifully as any occasion intended to celebrate a man over half a hundred, part of which meant that most shares of the cake you and your mother had whisked together were quickly eaten by his nieces and nephews and the young children of the men he named friends.

it also meant that it was quite boring. in truth, the party was half celebration and half a fundraiser that welcomed many wealthy men and women across the country, supposedly meant to provide money for existing youth programs. whether or not it was being done in good faith, you knew better than to question. rather, you fulfilled your daughterly duties, greeting guests as they came.

throughout the course of the party, you received ample attention. it was weird, being recognized all of a sudden and directly approached. only last week, men seemed to whisper if they looked at you, and now businessmen in their thirties were flirting with you here and there, some older, and men with boys said how fitting you would be for their dear sons at home.

one man had talked your ears off about his boy child, a notable young fellow by word of how he’d been described, a decorated warrior. the man told you he’d speak with your father and perhaps try to arrange a meeting with the boy he’d promised could protect you and any children you birthed. though you doubted your stepfather would be too impressed, you’d shown him your best smile and told him how delightful it sounded.

that being said, you were of the opinion that it wasn’t as bad as you’d made it out to be. you were pleased with the attention, it made you feel confident, and you accepted the unpleasant parts as simply coming with the territory.

when you finally gained a moment of respite towards the middle of the party, you found a troubled chaewon at the end of a long table at the back of the grand hall. even she, for all her bubbliness, seemed over it. “you look thrilled,” you remarked ironically.

that brought a smile to her upturned lips. “i was just thinking.”

you were all ears. “yeah?”

“the human body is so smart and so dumb. we have seals underneath our fingernails to protect the nail bed from infection, but women still die giving birth.”

you blinked. then you laughed. “you chose a fine place to discuss this matter.”

chaewon smirked. “am i wrong?”

“the human body was never ordained by god to be immune to pain, you know,” you told her, not unkind. “it was ordained by him to sustain it. pain keeps us human, and more importantly, it keeps us alive and breathing.”

“a pain men don’t share,” chaewon murmured.

you finished in a heartbeat, “a pleasure and privilege men don’t share too.”

chaewon groaned, but she wasn’t upset, not seriously. “you sound like my mother. and her mother.”

you raised your shoulders. “well, maybe there are lessons to learn from the wise and more experienced.”

chaewon scoffed. usually, she agreed with you on these matters, as it was all she had ever known, but you could sense a tension within her like no other. it plagued her. “look at you getting so smart.” she sighed, softening. “i guess i’m just scared of giving birth. i can handle the marriage stuff, i’ve always dreamed of it. but the second my parents start mentioning grandchildren and the baby talk, i want to disappear.”

you grabbed her hand, sympathetic. you may not have shared it, but it was a valid concern of hers, to be fair. “you’ve suffered a lot of loss in your family because of it. it makes sense that you’re scared,” you whispered, thinking of the late aunts and cousins she’d mourned. “but your mother was fine, wasn’t she? you might not have to share that fate. god will protect you.”

chaewon nodded her head. it was true, her mother had experienced little to no complications when she’d birthed her and her older brother. her eyes shone with hope as she replied, “you’re right. their fate isn’t mine.”

you squeezed her hand and smiled proudly. “there you go.”

something caught chaewon’s eye. her gaze drifted from your face and her grip on your hand tightened. when you heard a familiar dreamy sigh part her lips, you knew instantly what she had seen without looking. “i don’t envy you, you know.”

your brows furrowed. “what do you mean?”

“i’d hate to be his stepsister. i’d struggle to keep my hands off him,” she explained, probably conjuring up fantasies in her head.

you faltered for half a second, but swiftly composed yourself when you saw haechan coming.

“my dad sure knows how to bore somebody,” haechan said when he came your way. “you ladies look lovely tonight.”

chaewon offered him her seat so that he could sit between you both. his words got a laugh out of her, though with how she was looking at him, she probably would’ve laughed if he joked about folding laundry. “thank you. we’re probably not the target audience. the older crowd seem happy.”

“oh, trust me. they are,” you droned.

haechan turned his head at you, grinning. “getting hit on by the fifty and up club, sister?”

you almost laughed. “nearly so. they seem to just think i’m a perfect match for their sons for now.”

haechan was amused. “i guess they stop by you first then make their way on over to me to tell me that the future of greatness is in my hands.” he smiled and curled an arm around chaewon gingerly. “my feet are tired. would you mind getting me something to drink from the bar?”

chaewon rose to her feet without wasting time. “sure. what should i get you?”

“just tell them it’s for me. the guy’s a longtime caterer. he knows what i like.”

chaewon bobbed her head and somehow, even as she scurried away, it was with refinement and elegance and grace.

and then you were alone. haechan sighed, leaning back in his chair. “are you enjoying the attention?” he asked, glancing over at you.

you smiled. it felt different than before. “yes. it makes me feel beautiful.”

haechan didn’t skip a beat. “you are beautiful. with a little sophistication, you will be the most beautiful woman to ever grace the earth.”

sophistication. yes, refined and elegant and graceful. “where do i lack?” you needed to know.

haechan brushed a strand of hair behind your ears. “i spent a month with my family on my father’s side when i was little. his brother’s wife has many daughters. one thing i heard her tell them all the time was, ‘it only takes a moment to rouse a man’s excitement, but his fidelity? you will work at that for the rest of your life.’” haechan smiled. “do you know where i’m going with this, sweetheart?”

you thought about it. “i have to be more than just a pretty face.”

“exactly,” haechan sang. “things with no value go in the trash. men want a wife they can brag about. you’re beautiful and your stepfather is one of the most influential men in the world. notable achievements. what else?”

“i graduated top of my class,” you said, remembering the years of hard work that you had put into achieving strong academics.

“an educated woman,” haechan said. “good. what else?”

“i’m good with kids,” you blurted.

haechan was grinning. he liked the sound of that. “amazing. men want children to continue their legacies. for that, they need a good woman to manage their households. what else?”

“i can sing, sew, cook, clean…,”

“you know what you’re missing?” haechan interjected. he didn’t give you a chance to answer. “submission. for all the good things about you, sweetheart, you do have a mouth on you. it could do you some good to be more docile.”

maybe he was right. you had never considered yourself particularly unruly, but you were no idiot, and you knew when things were worth questioning. like the true meaning of this party, for that matter. but that did not mean you had to be the one to question it, and sometimes, closing your eyes and looking the other way was smarter.

chaewon was returning, her short black hair bouncing as she walked with that perfect smile. “here you are,” she said to haechan, handing him over a glass.

“thank you, chaewon.” he took a tentative sip, judging for a moment, then hummed in satisfaction. “just the way i like it.”

your parents left the morning after the party, and haechan had sent home all the housekeepers, leaving you with only yourself during the day while he tended to his father’s affairs at work, in his absence.

with the housekeepers gone, there would be things to do around the house, and you spent a morning compiling a list in your mind. the laundry would need to be taken care of. the main rooms managed, if there were guests. haechan liked coffee in the morning, and he would expect to come back to dinner already waiting, no matter how late he returned home, which was sometimes long after the day’s end.

you managed to perfect your routine in seven days. wake up early enough so that his coffee was ready to grab on his way out. on wednesdays, he went in later, so you would need to wake up even earlier to prepare breakfast. he liked familiar foods for breakfast but more variety for dinner, so that was a factor when you were shopping. laundry was a sunday affair, and you had to ensure you didn’t use the detergent that irritated his skin.

one day in particular was different. haechan hardly went in from thursday to sunday, and today was friday, so he was home. over breakfast, he said, “yuta nakamoto, one of our japanese investors, is coming over this afternoon. if you don’t behave yourself, it’s not just me you disappoint, it’s our entire family. and your father.”

the mention of your father made your heart clench. “i understand.”

“see that you do.” he stood, taking up his plate. he set it in the sink, but didn’t wash it. he was expecting that of you. “breakfast was good. you’re handling this well.” with that, he turned and walked away.

after cleaning the kitchen, you went upstairs to freshen up and make yourself pretty. more often than not, you chose makeup that was subtle and complemented your natural features. peering into the closet that was brimming with clothes haechan had hand-picked for you to wear, you settled on a dress that was flattering without being too formal.

it was maybe two hours before you were ready. you went to haechan’s door, dressed in an outfit he had bought, smelling like the lotion and oil you had anointed yourself with after shower. your fist tapped his door.

when he came out, he was dressed differently too, as if he was preparing to go to work. his eyes flitted over your body. you waited for his approval with bated breath. it was only for a few seconds, but you swore it felt like minutes. “you look beautiful,” he said. his voice was absent of awe, but his eyes were appreciative.

you smiled, relieved. “thank you,” you said. “will he be here soon?”

“soon,” haechan said, checking his watch. your mind wandered back to the watch with the leather band you had seen while shopping with chaewon. he went downstairs, and you followed him.

true to his word, yuta nakamoto did arrive shortly after. the two of them exchanged greetings.

“let me take your coat, sir,” you said politely.

“oh, thank you.” yuta smiled, shrugged his coat off, and handed it over to you. you put it on the rack.

“this is my stepsister,” haechan introduced. he told him your name.

you grinned. “can i get you something to drink, mr. nakamoto?”

“just some water would be wonderful,” he told you. “the sun’s blazing out there.”

haechan made himself chuckle. “the summers are getting hotter.”

as you went to fix yuta nakamoto a glass of water, you could hear him talking to your brother as they stepped further into the foyer. “your sister is very well-trained,” he said.

haechan laughed. this one had less of a performative quality. “we lees like everything in top tier condition, from our women to our products.”

the afternoon passed smoothly, and the meeting was a pleasant affair. you didn’t do much of anything, but you made it a point to be available. the two of them talked about business, and haechan was his usual charming self, flashing smiles and saying all the right things. you followed their dialogue but didn’t comment.

it was maybe about forty five minutes until yuta nakamoto left and you returned his coat to him, helping him slip it back on. he looked relaxed and confident in the matters they’d discussed. you closed the door behind him on his way out, and turned to haechan who looked pleased himself. “you were perfect,” he said.

your eyes sparkled. “really?”

haechan had a twinkle to his eyes as well, admiring his handiwork. “you were poised. servile without being too obsequious. he noticed.”

he’s proud of me, you thought, your heart feeling light. “thank you,” you said.

“for what?” he was literally asking.

“for making me better,” you whispered. “for showing me how to be a proper woman.”

haechan ran his finger over your face. “you’re welcome,” he said softly. “your father would be proud.”

it was the single most powerful thing he could have said. you really hoped so. nothing mattered more, nothing at all.

when the days passed, you hardly noticed the time lost. there were many things around the house that needed to be taken care of, and it was by no means a small estate, so your work was often cut out for you. you told yourself it was nothing you couldn’t bear on your own. you were the daughter of the most powerful man in the country, and this was your first test to see if you could handle the privilege and honor. all you had to do was keep haechan happy. it wasn’t as if you had children to raise, so it ought to have been simple enough.

and at moments when you had spare time to think, your mind wandered to what haechan was doing at work, if the company was giving him a hard time. here and there he would come home particularly agitated, but you knew nonetheless that he would prosper. you applied the same principle; if he was not able to bear his father’s responsibilities in his absence, there was no way he could run the company when the baton was passed.

that was nothing to worry about though. haechan was smart and competent. he had purified you with ease, made you the woman your father had known you could be, and it had taken him little to nothing. he was a man that you could depend on, and for that, you wanted to prove that he could rely on you to do what he expected as well. you had to.

the day had become night, and darkness settled around the house. you lit candles in the kitchen to create the feeling of an intimate moment. haechan was on the phone as you set the table. “oh, that’s wonderful. how long are you staying?” you watched him with curious eyes as he took his seat. “no, no, not at all. i can handle the company. it won’t burn down if you take a few more weeks off.”

so that’s what it was. your parents were extending their getaway.

“it is beautiful,” haechan said, sounding as if he was agreeing with something. “stay. you deserve it. make sure you appreciate how blue the water is before you come back and see murky everything is in the city.” haechan laughed. “yes, she’s well. she’s plating dinner as we speak. she’s been doing a remarkable job.”

your heart fluttered. you set the utensils down in a careful order. he’s talking about me.

“alright. call me when you have lunch. have a good night,” he said at last, hanging up. “pass me the salt.”

it was an equal distance away from him as it was from you, but you handed it over regardless.

he shook some grains into his food. “you know,” he said. “we’ve got a lot of time together. looks like mom and dad aren’t coming home until next month.”

“i heard,” you said. “did you ask them to take pictures of the water?”

“no,” haechan said. he picked up his fork. “i’m sure your mom will anyway. she’d take pictures of the lake we see every day leaving the house.” he laughed at himself.

it occurred to you then that you hadn’t left the house at all since the party, not even to go shopping. your mother might have liked to go out herself sometimes, if not out of a genuine preference for doing things herself than out of sense of duty to perform it, though your stepfather himself did not seem to expect it of her. he cared less about who did the shopping and how and more about what time dinner would be prepared.

you had spoken to chaewon since that night, but every exchange was sparse and fleeting. you were too busy as of late, and certainly she had her own affairs to attend to.

“would it be okay if i invited chaewon over someday?” you asked. haechan hung out with his friends plenty enough. he never said so, but why else would he come home so late smelling of alcohol?

“chaewon,” he repeated. haechan hummed, mulling it over. “fine. you’ve been good.”

you beamed. it would be good to see her again. “thank you,” you said, remembering his lessons. submission.

haechan chuckled. “don’t thank me yet. nothing is for free.”

after dinner, you washed the dishes, wiped the table, and then at last withdrew to your bedroom to cleanse yourself. you had chosen a silky black nightgown to wear to bed, but first anointed your skin with lotion to make it especially soft for him tonight.

haechan appeared in your doorway moments later and welcomed himself inside. “are you ready for me, sweetheart?” he didn’t wait for you to answer. his hands cupped your breasts through your gown, eager to feel what was his.

it did you no good not to be ready; he would take what he wanted regardless. you tensed a bit at first, but willed yourself to relax. the contact took some getting used to, but you didn’t want to displease him. perhaps by the time your future husband was due to take you, you would be prepared enough not to be so fidgety. “yes,” you whispered.

oddly enough, haechan didn’t speak right away. for a moment all you could hear was his breathing and the sound of your nightgown rustling as he kneaded your breasts through the fabric. your lips parted ever so slightly when his thumbs brushed repeatedly against your nipples.

“still so restless. guess that means i just have to fuck you till you get comfortable.” his hands dropped to his sides. “but not tonight. get on your knees.”

your brows furrowed, but you did as told.

“look at you,” he crooned, brushing his fingers through your hair. “right where you belong. you look so pretty.”

your lashes fluttered. “thank you.”

“don’t thank me yet,” he said for the second time. “take my pants off.”

he hadn’t decompressed for the day yet beyond dinner, so instead of his casual wear, he was sporting the clothes he’d worn into the office. you undid the belt buckle and slipped it off, undid his fly, and let his pants fall down to his ankles.

you had been about to reach for his underwear too when his hands gripped yours. “suck,” he said.

your lips tugged. “but you’re not…”

a smack rang out in the air. “did i tell you to comment on my state of undress or did i tell you to suck?”

you reached up to hold your sizzling cheek. “i’m sorry…”

haechan was annoyed. “don’t be sorry. do what i told you to fucking do. if you can’t please me, you’ll never please any man.”

you pressed your lips against the outline of his half-hard cock through his boxers. you hadn’t expected this to be what he wanted, you thought it would be more like the first night he took you, but you supposed there were many ways to please a man, and a good wife should be skilled at them all.

“there you go,” he said. “lick me. do it like you’re fucking starving for it.”

your tongue darted against the dent in his pants, licking, swirling, sucking, your world narrowing to the taste of cotton and your own saliva. you wished you would have known the sort of favor he wanted. you might have looked online for some tips, anything that would temper this sense of aimlessness that accompanied your fear of arousing disappointment rather than lust.

haechan moaned, though, his fingers tightening in your hair with need instead of violence for now. that noise was a light in the dark for you, and you followed it, repeating whatever stroke of your tongue had given him pleasure with a touch more of confidence. the floor was rough against your knees, but you would bruise them both a million times over if it meant he was satisfied. because if he was satisfied, it meant you were doing something right.

“just like that. good.” his words were breathy. a wet spot had formed in his pants from the combined dampness of your saliva and his precum.

you could still feel the faint burn on your cheek where his palm had whacked you, but the pain had taken a backseat to his pleasure, so it was a distant thing in the moment. the first tests started at home. you would give favors many times once you were married, so it was best to get good at it early. thank goodness haechan was such a thorough teacher, keeping you disciplined.

“fuck, baby,” he groaned. you figured his body was of a more sensitive nature, so even through his underwear he must have felt these sensations sharper than most.

his cock had reached total erection, and you had felt it growing against your skin with every warm touch. you remembered how it had felt inside you at first, the size so overwhelming you had bled after. it hadn’t hurt per se, but the stretch was so unusual you had nothing to compare it to. and haechan had been courteous and kind, so it was not as unbearable as you had imagined.

more importantly, your body had given him immense pleasure, and you were of a mind to keep it that way, thinking of how you would drink less at the next gala and eat better than was normal for you and wear more of the clothes and undergarments he so loved, as you were memorizing the colors and outfits and fabrics that were pleasant to his senses and tastes…

“take my cock out,” haechan said. “i want you to suck me now. and i don’t want to feel any teeth.” your hands reached for his boxers and tugged them down to reunite with his pants. his cock sprung free, already leaking and aching for you to the finish the job. you took only a little bit into your mouth at first, intimidated by the remaining length. how could this all fit into your mouth?

haechan didn’t offer answers, but he did offer moans, which in a way was an answer in and of itself. you kept that motion up for as long as you could, but when you started to take him deeper, your throat rejected it and you gagged. you pulled off him, tears burning your eyes.

when haechan sighed, you feared he would strike you again, but instead he grabbed one of your hands and made you curl it around his cock. “keep your hand here.” he moved the other beneath it to the bottom. “move this one up and down. like that. good. now try it again.”

your lips sealed around his cock again, your dominant hand stroking his cock all the while, the two working in tandem to deliver the high he was seeking. you focused on your breathing more than anything, because it felt like that was where things started to go wrong.

haechan’s hand cupped yours, demonstrating to you how to squeeze his cock, and from there it was relatively smooth sailing. every now and then you would go up to let yourself breathe through your mouth, but you tried not to do it too long, or too often, lest it disturbed him.

“there you go. you’re getting the hang of it,” he said. you could see the way his chest was rising and falling, falling and rising. “look me in the eyes while you suck my dick.” you did. in the beginning it was an awkward thing, meeting his gaze when you were doing something so intimate, but you didn’t dare look away. he had given you a task, and you intended to see it through no matter what. everything else had to be temporarily set aside.

haechan reached down to tug the top of your nightgown and expose your breasts to him, the sight stimulating him even more. he squeezed them as he done before, only this time without the barrier to keep you from noticing how warm his hands were. his fingers brushed your nipples. it was almost distracting, but you summoned all your willpower to keep yourself focused on what was most important.

the sound of you sucking him was wet and lewd, but you supposed haechan had like that, because here and there he would mutter things under his breath about how beautiful you looked and sounded on your knees before him. you remembered he’d said he hated quietness during intimate acts. perhaps the next time he took you you should make yourself especially loud for him. he would appreciate that.

“i’m gonna come,” he grunted. “faster.”

you obliged, setting a new pace that was quicker and harder to maintain than the other, but it wasn’t so bad; in a few moments, he would be finished. in a few moments, you could say you were beginning to acquire another skill, and only haechan could speak to what extent, but you were hopeful he would be content…

“fuck,” haechan hissed. he’s liking it. he likes it. you hoped he would finish soon. you felt your mouth growing tired, and you didn’t want to anger him by stopping now of all moments, now when he was so close to the finish, right there…

haechan came at last, spilling into your mouth with a shrill sound and an abrupt forward drive of his hips. his eyes snapped closed and he used your mouth until every bit of his high began to fade.

when they opened at last, he was demanding. “swallow.”

the taste was bitter, but you made yourself do as he bade you, swallowing his warmth until there was no more. only then did he withdraw from your mouth.

“now you can thank me,” he said. “thank me for letting you suck my cock.”

your eyes darted away awkwardly. “thank you for… letting me you suck your cock.”

he grabbed your chin. “look at me,” he barked. “now say it again.”

you met his eyes. “thank you, haechan. for letting me suck your cock.”

haechan smiled. “good girl.” he fixed his clothes. “i expect breakfast tomorrow.”

“yes, haechan.”

“and you need more practice, but not tonight. we’ll work on it some more later.”

“okay, haechan.”

satisfied, he walked away.

you woke late. most days you would have set an alarm to gather you out of your sleep, but you must have been so tired last night that you’d forgotten. you scrambled out of bed, making a quick effort of washing up before you scurried downstairs to the kitchen. this would be one of those days where haechan wanted an entire meal instead of just coffee.

that said, you started with his coffee first, then hurried to get every ingredient out of its place. maybe haechan would wake up late too. maybe he wouldn’t notice.

you were pulling a pan out of the cabinet when you heard footsteps descending down the stairs. your heart raced.

haechan called out your name. you couldn’t even see his entire body yet, but you could hear him. “why don’t i smell bacon?”

“i’m… i’m working on it,” you said, glancing over at the raw bacon on the counter.

“you’re working on it.” far too soon, haechan made it downstairs and crossed his arms when he saw you standing there, nothing going except the coffee. “shouldn’t you be about done by now?”

you couldn’t meet his eyes. “i woke up late.”

“you woke up late.” haechan laughed. “you woke up late?”

you nodded, looking at the floor.

your shoulders went cold when he began to approach you. he seized your face abruptly and made you look at him. “can you not do one simple thing? you think a man wants a wife who can’t even have his breakfast ready when he wakes up and his dinner ready when he gets home?”

“no,” you whispered, eyes blurring with shame. “i’m sorry, haechan. it won’t happen again.”

he smacked your face, the same side that he’d struck last night. “see that it doesn’t,” he said. “how many times do i have to tell you? where do things with no value go?”

your voice was a whimper. “in the trash.”

“and are you trash?”

“no, i’m not trash...”

“as long as you’re a part of my family, damn right you’re not,” haechan said. he released you. “pour me a cup of coffee.”

so you did.

after haechan had had his coffee, he took your face in his hands and asked, “you know i only do this because i love you, right?”

you sniffled. “really?”

“of course,” haechan crooned. he brushed the tears from your eyes. “why would i bother trying to fix you if i didn’t love you? i want what’s best for you, baby. and sometimes what’s best for you is a little discipline. i don’t know what you would do without me. no one else is going to be this patient with you. the rest of the world will you chew you up and spit you back out.”

you nodded. “i know.”

“good. now dry your eyes and get back to work, okay?” he went to go sit at the island.

that day made you realize that you couldn’t afford to keep making mistakes, especially ones that you were beyond capable of preventing. to be the best that you could be, to truly live in your father’s image, you had to go above and beyond in exceeding expectations.

it would make your father proud. it was making your mother proud too, and you had thought she was impossible to please. and it made haechan proud, as your brother and as your teacher, the lines blurring as they should when it came to the realization of the perfect girl. at times, nothing mattered more.

over the coming weeks, as the responsibilities came and went and came and went again, you found yourself drawn back to those words he’d said, like a vessel that wants to drift away but is anchored where it floats. you know i only do this because i love you. it had been so long since you heard anyone say that. your father not since his passing, your mother not since god knows when.

i only do this because i love you. you hadn’t known, but now that you did, the thought kept to you like a spirit housed to a man. there was such strangeness. you had never before thought words of that nature would come from haechan and onto you, but perhaps you didn’t know him as well as you thought. but things were different than they had been some months ago. did he change, or did you change? did you become a person deserving of love, or did he become a person willing to express it?

you supposed it mattered little now. i love you. you had his love, his care, and you knew what you had to do to maintain it. now that you knew you had it, you would do whatever it took to keep it. no price was too high.

after that day, you began practicing to please haechan in the future so that you would be less of a disappointment. you ordered a toy so that you could train your throat to take him better. it was hard at first. every time you did it your mouth instinctively wanted to gag. but you had to perfect it, you had to get it right so that you would be perfect for him.

you practiced arching your back in the mirror, wanting to get the curve of your spine just right. you practiced perfecting your moans so that they were loud and breathless enough for his ears. you spent hours analyzing pornography to enact the things you saw other women do. the next time haechan took you, you had to be the very best you could.

failure was not an option.

there were weeks before chaewon finally had enough time to fit you in her schedule, and when the rolled around that you knew she would be coming over, you were terribly excited.

she was about twenty minutes out when haechan entered your room and came up behind you where you were bent over your bed, scrolling. “i need something from you real quick, baby,” he said, his hands drifting underneath your skirt.

“hyuck, no,” you said softly. “chaewon’s gonna be here soon.”

clearly it was the wrong thing to say. “no?” haechan repeated. “no?”

you swallowed. “i only meant…”

he didn’t care to hear your explanations. “did you just tell me no?”

“haechan, please, i…”

“i think you’re confused about who’s in control here,” haechan said. he spun you around to face him. “do i belong to you?”

“no….”

“do i answer to you?”

you sniffed. “no, haechan…”

“so then why the fuck—” he started, his face getting closer to yours. “—do you think you get to tell me no?”

“i don’t think that, haechan, i-i made a mistake, i’m sorry-”

“you’re the fucking mistake if you think you have the power to tell me what i can or can do. if i want to fuck you right now, i will. if i want to fuck you in front of chaewon, i will. if i want to fuck you on the streets of tijuana and make you a public spectacle, i fucking will.”

your eyes burned.

his hand wrapped around your throat and tightened there. “if you hang out with your friends, that’s because of me. if you wear a pretty dress you like, that’s because of me. if you get married, that’s because of me. if you breathe, that’s because of me. do you understand? nod if you do.”

you nodded your head urgently, eyes wide.

haechan released your throat. “good. now turn around.”

he took you there against your bed. it hurt badly, but you knew that you deserved it, so you didn’t complain, and when he was done, you silently retreated to the shower to wash away the traces of what had happened from the eye, even if you could still feel the ache within you.

your neck bruised from where he had seized it into his hand, and that was something that wouldn’t simply wash away with water. you changed into a turtleneck to conceal it, fixed your hair, and made yourself smile. this was how he would want you to look.

chaewon looked even prettier than the last time you saw her. “my brother’s getting married,” she announced when you both got settled in your room.

“really?”

she nodded, grinning from ear to ear. “yes, really! it’s official as of last night. he really likes rosie.”

“i couldn’t tell,” you said. jaehyun had been with her for the better part of eight years, and only now did he think to drop on one knee. “i mean, what took him so long?”

“i mean, my brother is a little different than most guys. he takes stuff slow. that’s his thing.” chaewon shrugged. “the guy’s a total romantic.”

“i mean, but don’t you think that’s weird?” you asked. “if a guy waited eight years to propose to me, i’d think he was ashamed of me or something.”

“if he was ashamed of her, he wouldn’t marry her at all,” chaewon told you. “or meticulously pick out what ring to propose to her with, or where to do it, or rehearse his lines in his room every day for weeks in advance.”

“i guess,” you conceded. “i just think that’s a long time.”

“forever’s a long time too, and that’s how long people hope to be married,” chaewon said. “what’s an eight year slice of forever?”

“you say things so weirdly.”

“it’s a talent of mine,” chaewon chirped. “you’re invited, by the way. obviously. your plus one can be whoever you want, but i really hope you bring haechan.”

you rolled your eyes. “give it up to god, chae.”

“i can’t!” she clasped her hands together. “please, please, please? for me? i really want him there.”

“why? it’s not even your wedding.”

“obviously,” she agreed. “if it was my wedding, he’d be there as the groom.”

your stomach clenched. “but like… what do you even like about him? you can’t just marry him because you think he’s handsome.”

“he is so handsome,” chaewon said dreamily. “but he’s also very witty and intelligent. i like talking to him. you don’t understand the importance of good conversation, of talking to someone who knows how to respond to you and meet you where you are.”

he was witty. sometimes. “so… you like him because he’s handsome and can hold a conversation?”

“and he’s a perfect gentleman,” she breathed.

“i guess that’s reason enough.”

chaewon grinned. “and if you invite him as your plus one, i might get the chance to get to know him even better.”

“our brothers barely even like each other,” you reminded her. why, you had no idea, but they just never seemed to click as well as you and chaewon had. “why would my brother even go to jaehyun’s wedding?”

“because you’re gonna ask him nicely,” she retorted. “please?”

you exhaled a breath. “i’ll mention it to him later.”

“yay!” chaewon threw her arms around you. “you’re the bestest best friend ever.”

the day passed in a blend of talking, gossiping, and laughing. before you knew it, you had all but forgotten the incident earlier, and remembered what it felt like to be alive, even if for a short while.

at night, you and chaewon showered, and fell asleep together in your bed.

it must have been late when you suddenly woke again with a sudden thirst. you rolled over in your bed and felt the emptiness beside you and remembered that chaewon was supposed to have been there. maybe she’s gone to the bathroom.

you opened the door and made for the stairs. but as you started the descent, you started to hear… noises. strange noises. noises that were unfamiliar in their familiarity.

“shh, baby,” you heard haechan’s voice whispering. “you don’t want to wake her, do you?”

you couldn’t see chaewon at all, but you faintly heard her say something that sounded like, “no, i’m sorry. you just feel too good.”

haechan chuckled. “don’t be sorry. just be quiet.”

your chest was so tight you thought you might die.

their voices might have been quiet, but their bodies weren’t. you could hear the sound of him driving into her, of her hands scrambling for purchase, of their breathing finding a rhythmic sync, of haechan taking a pleasure that had nothing to do with you.

and it felt like the wind had been knocked out of you.

it was too much. you forced yourself to turn away and creep back up the stairs as quietly as you had come down. you returned to your bedroom and threw the blankets over yourself, your pillow dampening bit by bit.

chaewon was chipper the next morning, very chipper. before she left, she offered to help you make breakfast for haechan. you waited to see if she would mention their tryst, but she didn’t at all.

it was supposed to be a secret then. something between her and him that you weren’t in on, that you weren’t a part of.

when she left, you went to your bathroom and began to wipe off the concealer you had used to hide the bruises haechan had given you from her. they were darker than they had been yesterday. she didn’t want him. you knew that to be a certainty. if she knew what it truly was like to be his, beyond marveling at his handsome face and witty words and willingness to pull out a chair here and there, she would crumble like a house in a tropical storm.

but you, on the other hand, were strong and enduring. you could take it. you could take anything he gave you, not just when it was pleasant, but when it burned. you could take it and know that it was beautiful, that it was a display of love, strength, and growth.

chaewon had been born shining. she had no idea what it was like to be pressed into a diamond, to earn everything beautiful about herself. she had no idea what it was like to be shaped by his hand. she had no idea what it was like to be his creation, to be exactly as he intended.

but you did. and that was why you knew no one else could satisfy him, even if he made the mistake of seeking out other temporary delights. no candy was as sweet as the one made purely by your own hand, because it was yours.

you knew you had displeased him yesterday, a slip of the tongue that would never happen again, but you had pleased him the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that. you planned to do so for eternity. haechan, forever yours, you, forever his, in a condition of perpetual devotion.

and forever started today. “hello?” came the voice on the other end of the phone, gruff and confused.

“hi, jeno,” you sang.

“this is a surprise,” jeno murmured. you could practically hear the smirk in his voice. “change your mind about me?”

“not at all, no,” you said. “do you think my friend chaewon is pretty?”

“chaewon,” he repeated. “do i think she’s pretty? i think she’s gorgeous, everyone knows she’s gorgeous. why?”

“what if i told you that she leaves bible study every wednesday at eight, stops at becky’s at eight twenty, gets gas at eight thirty, and she’s home by nine.”

there was a lull of silence. “why are you telling me that?”

you continued, “she has a bad habit of looking at her phone while she’s walking, she wears noise-cancelling while she’s waiting in becky’s up until the moment she gets back in her car, and sometimes she forgets to lock it.”

jeno said your name. “is this a fucking joke?”

“nope,” you chirped. “dead serious. she’s that stupid.”

“i thought she was your friend.”

“i thought she was too,” you said. “but i thought wrong.”

jeno laughed. he didn’t ask what happened. he didn’t care. “so, let me get this straight. you guys had a cat fight, and now you want me to… what? brutalize her in the becky’s parking lot?”

“i don’t care what you do,” you said, “as long as she suffers. deal or no deal?”

“damn,” jeno said. “i’ll think about it, princess. i gotta go, though.”

“think about it quickly.” you hung up. wednesday was approaching.

you didn’t agonize over whether or not he would do it. guys like jeno couldn’t resist themselves. instead you busied yourself with tasks around the house, keeping haechan happy, keeping him satisfied, keeping him yours.

the next time you saw chaewon was in the hospital. “what happened?” you asked as you came to her side, brows stitched.

“i was leaving becky’s,” she said, her voice small. she looked small. her lips and cheeks were bruised, and there were other marks scattered across her figure. and yet somehow she was still annoyingly fucking beautiful. “but then some guy came up behind me when i was leaving… and… and…” she couldn’t continue. her eyes became wet.

you squeezed her hand. “hey, hey. it’s okay. it’s okay. you’re safe now.”

her bruised lips were quivering. “it hurt so bad.”

“i know,” you whispered. “did you see what the guy looked like?”

chaewon shook her head. “i didn’t see anything. one second i was alone and the next he was there. i tried to get away but he was too strong. and the cameras out there haven’t been functioning in ages.”

“he won’t get away with this,” you told her. “do you understand that?”

chaewon nodded.

you smiled. “good. i have to go. my parents are coming back today and i want to be home before they do. i’ll come back to visit you again tomorrow. will you be okay?”

“i think so,” she whispered.

“alright. i love you, chae.”

“i love you too,” she whispered.

first problem taken care of. at home, you went straight to haechan’s room. the door was already open so you let yourself inside. “haechan?” you called.

haechan looked up from his phone. he had been sitting on his bed, scrolling. “hey. chaewon okay? she’s not in too bad shape, is she?”

“who gives a fuck?”

haechan paused. then he laughed, perhaps thinking it was a joke. “you…? i mean, aren’t you guys best friends?”

“not anymore.”

haechan tilted his head. “you guys get into a fight in the two seconds between her coming over and now?”

“i know what you did,” you announced levelly.

haechan was quiet a moment. “what are you talking about?”

“don’t do that, haechan. i heard you,” you said. “i heard you with her in the kitchen.”

haechan sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “look-”

you cut him off. “i know i made a mistake. i know you were angry at me. i understand.” you stepped closer, shutting the door behind yourself as you entered the room entirely. “i know i deserved to be punished. but was what i did so wrong that you had to replace me?”

“sweetheart, i-”

“you didn’t do it to hurt me,” you said. “i know you didn’t, because you didn’t want me to know. if you wanted to hurt me, you would have wanted me to see. so then you must truly have meant to replace me, to find someone better than me…”

“if you would let me-”

“but she’s not better than me!” you snapped. “she’s not! and i wish everyone would stop treating her like she’s some perfect princess just because she smiles prettily when she’s hardly a real woman! a real woman wouldn’t fear giving birth! a real woman would trust god!”

you knew you were getting out of line, but you needed him to hear you. this was worth any punishment he could conceive.

“i shouldn’t raise my voice. strike me if you must,” you told him, standing in front of him now, between his legs, perfectly within arms reach. “if you would choke me, i’m ready.” you tugged your shirt over your head to give him better access to your throat. “but she doesn’t deserve you. she doesn’t have what it takes to be your woman. she wouldn’t do these things for you. i know because i’ve spent almost my whole life since first grade by her side and she’s always expected everything to be easy. she has no idea how to face anything she thinks might be hard.”

you brought his hand to your neck, where the bruises were fainter now, but still visible, the colors blooming across your neck. “she wouldn’t see this as what it is,” you whispered, not once looking away from his eyes. “a gift. a honor. a privilege. she would think it’s monstrous. but it’s not. it’s beautiful. it’s a milestone.”

you smiled. “that’s why i had to teach her a lesson.”

“baby,” haechan said slowly. “what did you do?”

“i had jeno pay her a visit.”

“what?”

you nodded. “please don’t be angry,” you whispered. “i did it for you.”

haechan’s hand didn’t fall away from your throat, but it was very loose. “for me?”

“yes. for you. for us. because i love you. because you said you loved me.”

“i do love you,” haechan said, running his spare fingers through your hair.

“so why did you do that?” you asked. your eyes were misty, and soon your cheeks were dampened. “am i not good enough? did i do something wrong? i can fix it, haechan, i swear. i can be better. you just have to tell me. i’ll do anything.” you dropped to your knees. “i can fix it, haechan,” you said again, peering up at him desperately. “let me fix it. please. i don’t want to be trash.”

“how do you plan on fixing it, baby?” haechan murmured.

“i’ll show you,” you said. you began to tug down his pants. “i’ll do better this time. i promise. i’ve been practicing, like you said.”

haechan looked genuinely surprised. “you’ve been practicing for me, baby?”

“yes,” you admitted. “i wanted to make you proud.”

“i’m so proud of you, my girl,” haechan said. he patted your head. “show me what you can do.”

my girl. his girl.

at first, you mirrored the last encounter together where he’d had you on your knees, kissing him through his boxers. he had liked that, you remembered. you spread your tongue along the fabric and sucked the head as if there was no barrier.

you continued that just long enough to get him worked up before doing away with the boxers and discarding them into oblivion, but you paid the head of his cock no mind. instead you dragged your tongue again now along his shaft, up and down, down and up. you heard his breath hitch, and that was all the encouragement you needed. tonight, you were determined to get this right. you couldn’t lose him to someone else, least of all her.

the next time you licked up his shaft, you started another descending path, except this time you were peppering sweet, soft kisses, a gesture that was tender and loving, more than he knew. your lips found their way from just shy of his head to his balls. you took one into your mouth gingerly, not wanting to overstimulate him.

“fuck,” haechan swore. “you trying to kill me, baby?” your giggles were stifled. while your mouth was preoccupied with that, you stroked his cock in your fist. he was so hard now, it never took long. you could feel the blood burning within your hand, his cock hot and stiff with excitement. that’s it. that’s how much he wants me. that’s how much he needs me.

whether he knew it or not, he needed you, just as you needed him. you could see it clearly now. the two of you were fated, and now you had reached a point where it was truly undeniable on your part, where the truth stood tall, a roaming giant, every resistance being crumbled underfoot. the past never mattered. you could forgive his sins if he forgave yours.

those days where you had not yet understood what it earnestly meant to be a woman, where you had believed he was a terror that some entity had cursed you with, those were the days of your naivety at its purest. it was like if chaewon had seen those marks on your neck; she would think they were some an immortal act, she wouldn’t realize it was a gift, a token of love, of care, of how much haechan wanted to see you prosper.

at last when you felt the growing tension in haechan’s body amass to a peak, you let yourself take the head of his cock into your mouth, though without any particular haste. haechan shuddered, the sensation worth the anticipation and then some. “oh, shit.”

seeing him react so strongly made your body burn with urges of its own, but those were secondary. what was paramount was making him understand, proving to him that you were the woman he had made of you.

“you taste so good, hyuck,” you briefly pulled away to tell him. “i missed your cock so much.” not a moment later, you were back to sucking him.

haechan groaned. “yeah? i can tell you miss it. you really have been—holy shit—practicing.”

you moaned around his cock, and it must have done something, because the noise that came out of him made your thighs tense.

“don’t stop,” haechan gasped. “fuck, just like that, baby, don’t stop, you’re so good.”

you were determined to unravel him, to please him more than anyone ever had and ever could, to stake your claim to the man you knew with your whole heart was yours by right, even if you’d never hear the words come out his mouth. this was evidence enough. the way his body responded to you, the things you were making him say, that was a power of its own, and power was the most important thing in this world.

and if men were the heads of power, but you had dominion over his body, what did that say about you?

haechan said your name. he rarely did, it was usually a petname, something sweet and meaningless, but this was yours. “god, i’m gonna fucking come.” it was fun to see his body speak for him, to watch it convey things that words like pleasure never really could. his hips jolted as his cum emptied inside your mouth, hot and salty and meant for you. even as that was happening, his hands were clenched into the sheets, and his voice was the most beautiful thing you had ever heard.

you swallowed it all, not letting a single drop go to waste, and when you were done, you remembered your words. “thank you, haechan, for letting me suck your cock,” you whispered, meeting his eyes as you licked some of his release from your lips.

haechan blinked silently. then he laughed. “fuck. you’re so welcome, princess.”

you got up from your knees and sat on the bed. “can i ride you?”

haechan raised his brow, amused. “you think you can handle that?”

“i know i can.”

“confident,” haechan murmured. he lay back. “sure, ride me. but if you get tired and ask me to take control, i swear to god…”

“that won’t be a problem,” you promised.

haechan chuckled. “if you say so. grab a condom.”

“we don’t need it,” you said as you undid your bra and skirt. “i’m not afraid of the consequences. i’m not afraid of what it means to be a woman.”

haechan’s face fell. “baby, if you get pregnant, that could get us in a world of trouble.”

“i’m not afraid,” you insisted.

“and that’s brave,” haechan said, “but imagine what your mom would think.”

“i don’t care,” you blurted. “i want to marry you and have your babies.”

“whoa. okay,” haechan said, visibly reeling. “we can do that, i promise. after we’re married. deal?”

you nodded. “okay. deal.”

haechan exhaled a breath. “great. now go get a condom out of that drawer and show me how much you want my cock.”

you did as told, fetching a condom from the supply he had in his nightstand drawer. as you were rolling it down his shaft, you whispered, “can we pretend?”

haechan smiled. “yes, princess. we can pretend.”

you shed the very last of your clothes and mounted haechan’s lap. “i want your cock so badly, hyuck.” you sank down onto him, inch by inch, bit by bit. “don’t you feel it?”

haechan moaned. your pussy was gushing around his cock, wet and warm and tight. his hands went to your hips. “shit, babe. all that from sucking me off?”

you nodded. “i like making you feel good.”

haechan closed his eyes. “i like that you like making me feel good.”

nothing could have been better or more important. you would have done this every day if he so asked. you would have gotten on your knees for him, or perhaps your hands and knees, or your back, or bent over whatever surface he preferred that day, or mounted him as you were now, none of it mattered. you were a good woman, and so you could please him whenever he wanted, wherever he wanted, however he wanted it.

surely chaewon couldn’t say the same. chaewon was just a pretty face. beyond that, she was empty. you pitied whatever man would realize that only after he had made her his wife, but that man would not be yours.

“do i feel better than her?” you asked.

haechan didn’t hesitate. “so much better,” he said. “i don’t know what i was thinking, baby. i could never replace you. you’re perfect.”

that warmed your heart. “you mean that?”

“of course, beautiful,” haechan said. “look at you. look how good you’re taking my cock right now. you know exactly what you’re doing, don’t you, sweetheart?”

“uh huh,” you agreed. that’s right. i know what he likes.

“nobody’s ever made me feel the way you do,” he said breathlessly. “you were made for me.”

for you, by you. “i was made for you,” you echoed, bouncing on him harder. your boobs followed suit.

“you’re so fucking beautiful,” haechan swore. he took your boobs into his hands, holding them, kneading them.

you smiled coyly. “you’re very handsome.” you liked the way he looked beneath you, his skin flushed, his chest heaving, his hair beginning to stick to his face as the lust made even a room as spacious as this one grow hot and stuffy. you liked the way his lips parted for breath, the way his eyes fluttered when the warm sensation of you got to be too much, the way his brows jumped when your pussy throbbed in response to his words.

it went beyond attraction. it satisfied you, assured you, and rewarded you all at the same time. it was your north star, that guiding light, the thing that let you know that for as long as it was bright you were not a failure.

“you feel so good,” you whimpered, your eyes fixed to his face. you stitched your brows together. “i love your cock, i love it, i love it so much! i don’t want anyone else, hyuck, just you, no one else matters like you do. i’d do anything for you.”

“anything?” haechan murmured.

you nodded. “anything, anything at all. you said i’m beautiful, but i’m only beautiful because you made me so.”

haechan groaned. “and don’t you forget it.”

“i won’t,” you promised. your skin was scorching, every breath more intense than the one before it. “i won’t forget. i’m in debt to you, i’ll repay it however you want me to.”

haechan reached up and grabbed your throat. “repay it by riding me like you mean it.”

your eyes widened. “yes,” you whispered, and immediately began to ride him faster.

haechan grunted. his grip on your hips tightened as you increased your pace.

“yes, yes, yes,” you moaned. your body was moving on top of his wildly, eagerly, desperately. it was as if he had something that no one else could give you, something that you couldn't even give yourself if you tried, but was still unique and purely your own, and no one else could taint it. something like a purpose.

haechan lay there, a dazed look in his eye as he watched you ride him like you were worshiping your new god, and in a way, that was exactly what you were doing.

“tell me it feels good, hyuck,” you said. “tell me i belong to you.”

“i can’t even put into words how incredible you feel,” haechan breathed. “you’re all mine, baby. all mine.”

“i want you to claim me,” you told him, peering down into his eyes. “i want you to show the whole world that i belong to you. breed me, hyuckie. fill me up with your love and show everyone that i’m yours.”

your words made him swear. “you’re asking for something real dangerous, princess, you know that?”

“i don’t care,” you insisted. “all i care about is you.”

“if i breed you, i’m not just gonna do it one time,” haechan said, tightening his chokehold just a bit. “i’m gonna do it again, and again, again, until your pussy has given me every last baby it can. you understand that?”

“yes,” you gasped. “i understand. i’ll give you as many as you want!” it truly didn’t matter to you. you had long accepted the inevitability of motherhood, and you would gladly produce as many babies as he dreamed. that was what you were meant to do, and that was what you would do. and what would say that you were haechan’s like his baby growing in your stomach, the proof of it growing larger and larger by the month until it was a truth that you could cradle in your hands?

you had dreamed of it so much lately, being the mother of haechan’s children, as many as he wanted. marrying him and bearing his name, as you never took on the lee name when your mother married in, too attached to that of your father’s. maybe getting a place of your own, somewhere with a view even better than the one here. raising your sweet little baby, something you and haechan would create together, while he officially took on his father’s position within the company.

nothing would have been sweeter. you would have given up anything for that. soon enough, it would no longer be a dream, but a reality. you imagined inviting chaewon to your wedding, making her watch as haechan swore a vow to you and not her, as he promised to love you until death did you part. you imagined her willing herself to be polite, forcing herself to say that she was happy for you as you had done tirelessly for so many years.

that day would be about you, not her. it would be entirely yours. you would be wearing a stunning dress, surrounded by your loved ones, walking to meet the love of your life at the aisle’s end, and the only thing wrong was that your father would not be there to hand you off.

but you wouldn’t let that ruin anything. because the wedding itself would be proof that you had done it, that you had become the woman he always knew you would, and that was what mattered. then you and haechan would be off to your honeymoon, and he would make love to you with no barriers, and you would give him a child, and everything would be perfect. “when do you think we can get married?” you asked him.

“uh, in a couple years,” haechan projected, loosening his hold on you. “i just have to get settled into the company first, sweetheart.”

you beamed. “my ceo,” you murmured. “whenever you come home stressed, i’ll make sure you come home to something to eat, and then i’ll suck your cock until you come down my throat.”

haechan’s dick twitched. “holy fuck.”

“or you can fuck me, if you’d prefer,” you said. “even if i’m asleep, even if i’m tired, i’ll be yours.”

“there’s no one else on this planet like you, you know that?” haechan asked.

somehow you smiled even wider. “likewise, hyuckie. and even if there was, i’d still choose you.”

haechan simpered. “you’d choose me no matter what, wouldn’t you?”

“yes,” you gasped, a particular nudge of his cock inside you stealing your breath for a moment. “you’re everything to me, haechan.”

“i know, baby,” he muttered. “i know.”

if you were already wet to begin with, you were dripping now, and that might not have been enough to accurately describe your state of arousal either; your pussy was leaking so much you could feel it dripping past your thighs and onto the sheets, staining his bed. and with how vigorously you were riding him, the sound of your bodies meeting was just as intense.

you had never gotten like that before, even haechan seemed amazed. “you’re so wet,” he whispered incredulously. “jesus christ. you’re fucking soaked. because of talking about babies?”

you whimpered. “please give me your cum, hyuck, i need it so bad, i want your baby, i want everyone to know you own me, that your cock was so deep inside me it made me see stars. please, please, please.”

“if you keep talking like that, i’m going to see stars,” he hissed.

you didn’t stop talking. partly because you knew he liked it, and partly because you were so far gone that talking deliriously was about all you could really do. you moaned loudly. “haechan!” you cried out. “please, i’m gonna come on your cock, i want us to come together, oh, please, please, please!”

your thighs had begun to ache from the effort of riding him so hard and for so long, but you paid it no mind. even when your body tired, you refused to stop. not before he was finished. you were stronger than that.

it was a good thing that the servants were returning tomorrow, and not a second before. you were being so loud that someone on the opposite wing would likely have been able to hear your cries.

“i’m gonna come,” haechan said, driving his hips up to meet your thrusts. “i’m gonna come, baby, fuck—”

he spilled, not into you, into the condom, but with such an intensity that you could almost have convinced yourself it didn’t matter. you felt the way his hands gripped your hips to anchor himself, the way his body convulsed beneath you, and you heard him cry out and shudder as the orgasm took over his body, as for a moment he surrendered all sense and all control to the ecstasy that scorched through every corner of his body.

that was what undid you, and as he was still coming down from that godly high your body had given him, you clamped down around his cock, chanting, “yes,” over and over again until your hips finally stilled.

the room was quiet for a moment, or close enough to quiet. your panting and the fan whirling was about all the noise you could hear.

you lay against haechan’s chest. “promise me you’ll always choose me,” you whispered.

“i promise, sweetheart,” haechan said softly, curling his arm around your waist.

the two of you stayed together like that, skin to skin, heart to heart. your eyes fluttered closed and you might have even slipped away if you didn’t hear the footsteps coming up the hall. footsteps that had no reason to be on this corridor.

haechan sat up and patted your arm. “go in the closet. hurry up.”

you scurried away, plucking your clothes off the floor, and hid inside the closet.

haechan was shuffling around in his bed, hurriedly redressing himself from the sounds of it. that went on for a few moments until a knock sounded at your door that made you jolt.

“it’s open!” haechan called out.

“hey,” came his father’s voice. “we’re back. your stepmom went up to the room to get some rest, but i’d thought i’d come over and let you know.”

“cool,” haechan said. “nice trip?”

“fantastic. very beautiful place. beautiful girls too. you would have liked it.”

haechan laughed. the sound made your chest tighten. “oh, i’m sure.”

“where’s your stepsister?” your stepfather asked. “i peered in her room, but she wasn’t there.”

“uh, i don’t know. she left a little while ago. probably hanging out with chaewon.”

“chaewon is in the hospital.”

“yeah, i know,” haechan said. “she probably went to go see how she’s doing or something.”

your stepfather sighed. “you’re supposed to keep a rein on her.”

“i have,” haechan insisted. “didn’t you notice how pristine the house looked when you walked in?”

“i suppose so,” came his father. “alright. i’m gonna go lie down. that flight got the better of me. let your stepsister know we’re back.”

“will do.”

you heard the door click shut, and released the shakiest breath.

“you can come out now,” haechan said.

you stepped out the closet, still naked, your clothes in your hands. “keep a rein on me?” you echoed, smiling. “is that what you’re doing?”

“mmhm,” haechan hummed, pulling you back into his arms. “bend over.”

you draped yourself over his bed.

“see?” haechan threw his hand against your ass, making you cry out in surprise. “that’s the rein.”

the next day, you went to see chaewon again, bearing gifts that your mother had gotten for her while on the trip. it seemed like more than the things she had given you, but you focused on dropping them off, saying a few nice things to your best friend, hovering beside her for a few moments, and then leaving. haechan was at home. you missed him already. you wanted to feel his body against yours, to hear him whisper praises in your ears.

as you turned to leave chaewon’s hospital room, jaehyun was there in the hallway. your eyes flickered in surprise but you smiled pleasantly. “hello, jaehyun. i’m sorry, i didn’t see you there.”

jaehyun’s face didn’t change. “i know what you did.”

your smile didn’t fade, not yet anyway, but you tilted your head, brows stitching together. “i’m confused.”

“i know what you did,” jaehyun repeated. “you hurt her.”

you laughed. “right. with what bits?” you gestured over your figure. “i think i’m ill-equipped. you’re not. maybe you did it.”

jaehyun drew near you so quickly you missed it in the time it took you to blink. “don’t you ever,” he started, “accuse me of something so egregiously foul and incestuous as that when you’re the one who’s sleeping with your brother.”

your shoulders went cold. how did he know?

“don’t you realize that your brother will fuck anything with a pulse?” jaehyun asked. “i’ve seen the way he looks at you, and i’ve seen the way you look at him. it’s disgusting.”

“you-”

“be quiet,” jaehyun hissed. “when i came to see her last night, she was crying. i asked her what was wrong. she said, ‘god has punished me for my sin.’ i told her, ‘that’s nonsense, chaewon. what did you do?’ she said, ‘i slept with someone before i was married.’ obviously, i was not happy to hear this, but she was going through enough, so i simply asked her, ‘chaewon, who was it?’ she avoided my eyes, she wouldn’t look at anything but the tv. finally, she said, ‘haechan.’”

“what does that have to do with me?” you asked.

“everything,” jaehyun said, glowering. “you’ve always wanted to be her. chaewon’s too blind to realize it, she only sees the best in people. but you have always resented her for having everything you didn’t. and when she slept with your precious brother, well, that was the last straw for you.”

“you have no proof of this,” you said. “stop wasting my time with theories.”

“let’s see if your parents will think it’s just a theory.” jaehyun turned and walked away.

needless to say, when you walked into the main room, you knew the day was far from over.

everyone was joined on the couch: your mother, who looked distraught, your stepfather, who looked distressed, and haechan… who just looked distant.

when your mother saw you, she called your name. “come sit. now.”

your heart thudded, but you had braced yourself for anything they could throw at you. you were prepared to fight.

“jaehyun says that you set up that poor incident that happened to chaewon,” she said worriedly. “did you do that?”

well, your cat was out of the bag. “yes.”

your mother furrowed her brows. “but why? she’s your best friend, and she’s a good girl.”

“she’s a stupid cunt and she has no idea what it takes to be a woman. she thought she deserved him,” you blurted.

she looked taken aback. “so it’s true then.” she grasped her dress. “you and haechan have… a relationship.”

“yes,” you confirmed proudly. “we love each other.”

scoffing, your stepfather said, “this- this is despicable. haechan, she’s your sister.”

haechan said nothing.

your mother sighed and began to massage her temple. “i don’t understand how something like this could happen. i knew you two were getting closer, yes, but for heaven’s sake, i thought you were just finally bonding.”

“we have bonded,” you insisted.

“you have sinned. there is nothing holy about this joining. to lay with another man before marriage, and not only that, but your brother…”

you almost rolled your eyes, “he’s my stepbrother. we’re not related!”

“you need to watch your tone,” she said, pointing her finger at you.

“you don’t understand,” you whispered. “haechan and i love each other, and we’re going to get married and have children together.”

your mother looked like she was going to faint. she was gripping the pad of the chair for dear life. “jesus christ. what did you just say?”

your stepfather barked, “then you will have disgraced our entire family. do you have any idea the shame that the news of this affair would bring to our names? we would be a laughing stock in the media. we would lose investors. the company would be in shambles!”

your mother reached for your arm. “this must stop now.”

“no! can’t you hear me? we’re in love. we’re in love. and i won’t let you take that away from us!”

“are you out of your ever loving mind?” she snapped. “you cannot be in love with him, he is your brother. and you sure as hell cannot marry him. mark my words, no one will bless it.”

“yes i can! he said so himself. he said we’ll get married when he gets settled within the company.”

“settled within the company,” your father echoed. “there will be no company to settle into if this were to happen, do you hear me? i wanted to come home, relax, announce my retirement and pass let my son take my place. instead i’m bombarded with this utter nonsense. what’s with all this talk of marriage anyway? haechan has never shown interest in marrying any of the girls i’ve paired him up with.”

“haechan likes women with value,” you told him firmly.

“value!” your stepfather laughed, as if there was something funny that you were missing there. “is this a joke or something?” he turned to face his son, who had been silent on the matter thus far. “haechan, do you want to be ceo or not?”

“yes,” haechan finally spoke up.

“then you have to stop this incestuous nonsense. i will not have you ruining the reputation of the company i’ve spent decades building up from nothing because of some silly fling you decided to have with your stepsister of all people. i can turn a blind eye to many things, but this will not do.”

to your horror, haechan nodded his head. “i’ll stop. i swear, dad, on everything, i’ll stop.”

relieved, your stepfather sighed. “good. that solves that issue. we’ll announce it today, and the party will be on the third sunday of the month.”

you gawked. “what?”

your stepfather stood, not so much as looking at you. “i have business to attend to. come find me in my study if it’s important.” he started down the hall.

haechan met your eyes, but he didn’t say anything to you, and they were only on you for a fleeting moment before he went after his father. “actually, dad, i wanted to talk to you about the company. i had some ideas and i thought i would run them by…” his voice trailed off the further he went.

you sat there, blinking rapidly, trying to comprehend what had just happened. “what…”

your mother turned sympathetic. “oh, honey. i’m sorry.”

“he lied,” you whispered. only last night, he had held you in his arms and told you that he would always choose you. he had promised.

she didn’t ask what about. she just held you. “i know, darling,” she said. “believe it or not, i know how you feel. you think you’ve done your very best to make him happy, but something else comes along and then that something else takes priority. and you wonder what you did to make him love you less.” she patted your back. “that’s just how they are.”

“why?” you whispered, tears rolling down your cheeks.

“i wish i knew, honey. i wish i knew.”

over the next couple of weeks, you barely saw haechan, which was easy given the size of the house, but still jarring when you had spent the past month glued to his side, fulfilling his every need. and now he didn’t need you. you had exhausted your value.

you just didn’t understand it. did all that time together mean nothing to him? every word, every touch, every promise? one day, he was holding you like you were the most precious thing he ever seen, and the next he tossed you away like… like trash.

never had you ever felt more embarrassed. he had been so quiet, his eyes darting back and forth between whoever was speaking as you vehemently defended your love, while he didn’t say a word. not when it mattered most. not when it was time to stand for you.

you had officially become worthless, and you weren’t even sure you knew why. after everything with chaewon went down, you could have sworn that you had made it right. that he had chosen you. that you had proved to him you could be everything he wanted and more. that you would do anything for him. but he didn’t want it.

the other day, you had tried to send a text to chaewon, but it didn’t go through; jaehyun must have told her the truth. now you were truly and utterly alone.

you felt alone too. on the second week before the party, you barely stepped out of your room altogether. all you did was lay in bed and weep, while haechan was probably planning what initiatives he was going to take as the new chief executive. your mother came to your room to check on you, but you didn’t feel like talking. she had to make the maids send up your meals, but you barely touched them at all.

it wasn’t food you were hungry for. you could barely eat or sleep. it was haechan. i thought he loved me, you said to yourself, alone in your mind, a dark, cold void where every thought reverberated. he said he loved me. he said he would always choose me. he said there was no one else like me. he said we would get married and then start a family. he said i was perfect.

you must have replayed that night in your mind over and over a million times since it happened. it had been magical, the most magical. all your hard work and studying had paid off, and it was the most confident you had ever felt. it had given you something to believe in, something larger than just yourself.

but it was over now, dead and gone, and to never come back, as far as haechan was concerned. he had given that up, because when faced with the choice of you or the company, he had chosen the latter, sacrificing your love, your devotion, your faith. sacrificing everything he had told you to be.

the bruises that had been on your neck were mostly gone now, but you could still see them clearly as if they’d never left, as if it was just yesterday that his hand had been around your throat. you wished he’d do it again, just to show you that he still cared. the longer he was away, the more you started to forget what it was like to feel his hands on your body.

you missed him. you felt like you hated him, and yet you missed him so much. you missed the warmth of his body beside yours, you missed the way his fingers would thread your hair, you missed the way his voice sounded when he was right there, and you missed the way it felt when he said something that made every punishment feel like it was worth it. but even if you couldn’t get that, you would have settled for his anger, his frustrations, his violence, his cruelty.

it would have been better than nothing. right now you had nothing but silence and distance, and you were certain that someone tearing you open from limb to limb would still hurt less.

the day of the party, you almost had to be forced out of bed. you wanted to stay home and rot, but your mother said it would reflect poorly on the family if you were absent. resigned, you did your makeup, covering up the days of sobbing, and donned a gorgeous red dress that haechan had bought you months ago.

as you gazed at your reflection in the mirror, all you could thing about was that day at the mall. you look the best in bold colors, he had said. well, here you were in red, the boldest of them all. today, he would see you. today, you would make sure it was impossible for him not to.

the venue was rippling with businessmen and their ladies, as to be expected. you sat at the high table with the rest of your family, as to be expected. normally at events like this, you would chaewon by your side to help you through the monotonous segments… but that ship had sailed.

it was entertaining enough. you mostly watched haechan, who was socializing deftly, here one second, and there the next. he was very charming. everyone looked glad to hear whatever it was he was saying. they were putting their trust in him, their time and their faith, just as you once had. you all are so silly, you thought. he’s a liar. he lies. he’s lying to you right now.

the future of greatness was in his hands, he had said. his father might as well have put his money in a safe and melted it.

it was amazing, though, how haechan could say things he didn’t mean with such conviction. he could make a believer out of anyone. that silver tongue of his could forge promises like no one you had ever seen and say them almost as though he truly believed them himself. you were convinced that it had to have been some kind of superpower.

or maybe it was insanity of some kind, but regardless, it made you realize that maybe this whole time you hadn’t really known him at all.

speeches were given and forgotten. there was food and drinks and laughter. so much laughter. people were just laughing for laughter’s sake, and you were sitting there trying to hide the fact that your entire world had been upturned. somehow you felt even lonelier here than you had alone in your bed.

“now this was no hand-me-down,” your stepfather was saying in the middle of his speech, his hand clasped on haechan’s shoulder. “my son has this position because despite all odds, he’s proven that deserves it more than anyone.”

everyone was cheering and clapping. you clapped your hands together too, watching attentively. “that was beautiful,” you said, standing up. “would you make if i said a few words of my own?”

your stepfather’s smile tightened ever so slightly, but haechan’s face didn’t seem to change at all. your mother reached for your arm, but you were determined.

“i won’t be long, i promise,” you added.

“of course. why not,” your stepfather replied begrudgingly. “everyone, my beloved stepdaughter would like to say a few words to celebrate her stepbrother’s success.”

more cheers, more laughter, but it all faded as you went up to accept the microphone. as you stood beside haechan, the closest you had been to him in weeks, you saw your stepfather whisper something to one of his men, who then proceeded to take a position not too far from you, his eyes watching and waiting.

“first of all, i just want to start off by saying congratulations, brother,” you told him, grinning from ear to ear. “i’m very happy for you. it seems that you’re finally getting everything you wanted, and you know what? you deserve it.”

haechan looked so composed, so proper. “thank you, sister.”

glancing out into the crowd of people before you, you continued, “when i heard that my brother here would be the new chief executive of our family’s excellent company, i was not surprised. who would be a better candidate than the man with this much grit? i think he could turn a tree into a diamond if he really wanted to.” everyone laughed. “i believe that the future of the company is in amazing hands. haechan is the kind of person who knows what he wants and how to get it. once he has a vision for something, he will mold it and shape it in his palms until there is nothing but the best version of it.” you could feel haechan’s gaze on you from the corner of your eye, but you didn’t glance at him. “it’s truly inspiring to watch. i feel as though i’ve learned a lot from him. to never accept anything but the best for myself. to always strive for perfection and aim to have what the next person doesn’t. that’s what truly makes this company great - the ability to distinguish it from its competitors, to exist in a realm of its own. if you like what my father has done with the company so far, then you should get excited. because lee haechan is going to make it even better. thank you.”

as everyone clapped and hollered, you handed the microphone back to haechan and returned to your seat without a backwards glance. you had said what you needed to say.

“let’s give my sister another round of applause for those kind words,” haechan said, smiling, but there was no depth to it. “isn’t she the absolute sweetest? even though she exaggerates a little bit. making me sound like ten times the man i am.” laughter rang out in the room.

that might have been the first thing he’d said all night with some truth to it.

the party dragged on with no end in sight, and you found yourself missing chaewon once more, the feeling harder to drown than you thought it would be. you supposed it was only natural. she had been a close companion of yours since the two of you were very young. you wondered if she missed you too, or if she hated you now, just as you hated haechan.

you were nursing a drink in an empty corridor to get away from the noise when you heard footsteps approaching. oh, brother, you thought.

a male voice you didn’t recognize said your name. “hey. that was a wonderful speech back there. you have a way with words.” when you turned around, you had to look up to see his face. he towered over you, tall and imposing. he smiled and outstretched his free hand. in the other he was holding a glass of champagne. “i’m johnny.”

you already knew that. you may not have recognized his voice, but you recognized his face. johnny suh. his father used to do business with your stepfather before he retired and had johnny take over, much like what was happening with haechan now. he was also one of the shareholders. you gave him your name and shook his hand, though it was unusual for men to do that with the women they met.

“thank you for coming to celebrate my brother,” you said politely.

“of course,” johnny replied, pleasant as one could be. “my father is hoping i do business with him. but i thought i might have sensed some… tension between the two of you a moment ago.”

“tension?” you echoed, feigning ignorance.

johnny shrugged. “well, i don’t know. i just thought it was peculiar that your stepfather had placed someone on your end of the platform. like he wanted to be prepared in case you said something… improper.”

your smile was tight. “my stepfather is a cautious man, is all.”

“i’m sure,” johnny said. “i didn’t mean to pry. i just thought that maybe there was strife, or maybe you wanted the position for yourself.”

so little had you ever even considered that an option that you were certain he was jesting, but when you laughed, he didn’t join in. “you’re serious?”

johnny didn’t even blink. “i’m not a man intimidated by a woman’s success. if you did take it, i think you would do well. it’s about time that more women assume positions of power in this world.”

he was speaking of foreign, forbidden concepts. “that sounds… scary.”

“of course it does,” he agreed. “but if there’s no pioneer, it’ll never happen. the grounds will never flourish. my father taught me a lot about business, but my mother taught me about life and judgment. my father was always focused on the end result, but my mom saw how to get there.”

you took that in. “how old are you?”

“thirty-one this year.”

looking at his hand, you saw there was no wedding band on his finger. “you’re not married.”

“yes, society tends to be a bit more forgiving to men in that regard,” he replied, chuckling. “do you have any plans to get married soon?”

the thought of getting married stirred up some odd feelings, and memories, within you. “no. well, my stepfather has a list.”

johnny laughed. “no one wants to marry off their father’s list. mine has one too. my next date is still postponed indefinitely.” he took a sip from his champagne glass. “isn’t there any guy you like?”

“not anymore,” you murmured.

that made johnny smile. “then can i take you on a date?”

well, he was very forward. you did like men like that. it had been a long time since you’d gone on a date with a guy, and maybe going somewhere without traces of haechan would finally expel him from your mind. “sure.”

“perfect,” johnny chirped. “would you prefer to be indoors or outdoors? vanni’s has some of the best italian food i’ve ever had, but the pier is a great place to watch the sunset.”

outside. you needed to be outside again, connect with nature or something. that month alone with haechan had felt like an eternity, and the only people you had seen that weren’t him were chaewon and one of the foreign investors. “the pier sounds lovely,” you decided.

“the pier it is,” johnny said. the lighting in the hallway made his eyes sparkle. “if you give me your number, we can arrange a time that works best for you. wear comfortable shoes.”

you exchanged numbers and he promised to text you, wishing you a good night before pardoning himself, and you found yourself wondering what you had gotten yourself into just now, but a part of you wanted to untangle yourself from anything that was tied to haechan. the other so badly wished you could go into his arms and be held by him and take in his warmth.

but that was not an option anymore. he had given it up, he had deemed it worthless in the face of his father, the place where it might have mattered most. if he could choose other things, then perhaps you could choose something that wasn’t him as well.

that being said, you still couldn’t be certain if you had made a good choice. you couldn’t be certain of anything anymore. you laid in bed that night, the dress and makeup gone, alone with your raw self, or at least whatever was left of her. you had relied on haechan, in more ways than you knew. in trying to build a structure around him, you inadvertently built a system that upraised him as the very sun that kept life as you had known it together.

it never seemed like a bad thing. even now, it hardly seemed like a bad thing; it felt like you were lost, like you were drifting, and you needed him to keep you anchored, but he was gone now, so you were trying to do it yourself, clumsily, spitefully, desperately, but it was just too different.

tonight of all nights, you really missed chaewon. it was your fault she wasn’t there, you knew that. maybe everything was your fault. you had never regretted anything more; you honestly felt at least three shed skins away from the person who made that choice, removed enough to feel remorse, but not so much that you didn’t still feel angry at the thought of haechan with another.

and yet even that had wounded you less than him choosing the company, because he hadn’t even tried. maybe if he had put in some effort, you could forgive that, but he had sat there like it had nothing to do with him, like it wasn’t his life, like it wasn’t yours.

you weren’t sure when you fell asleep. you never really were. every night you lay awake, thinking about haechan, crying more often than not, and it felt like mere seconds between then and the second you roused, not even remembering the moment that sleep took you.

the cycle, unbroken as it had been for weeks, persisted even into the day of the date you were going on with johnny. you debated whether or not you even wanted to go, but you knew that what you were doing now was not helping, so you made yourself get up. it was just a few hours. the bed would be there when you returned.

concealing the dark circles under your eyes made you think of concealing the bruises haechan had left on your throat even though those were long gone now and you realized this was not too different. they were marks haechan had left on you, even if one was more indirect than the other.

you made yourself pretty, the way he would want you to be, even if it wasn’t for him, even if it was for another guy. you remembered what it felt like to get his approval for an outfit. for a second you almost let yourself wonder if he would approve of this one, but you had to finish getting ready before johnny got here.

the final look was so different from the version of you drowning in bed that you felt like you were posing, an imposter in your own skin. your perception of reality was fragile lately.

johnny picked you up yourself. he was outside in a car waiting and got out to open the passenger door for you when he saw you coming down the steps. “hey,” he greeted.

“hi,” you said back.

his eyes seemed to take you in, and you knew your efforts weren’t for nothing. “you look beautiful.”

“thank you.” he didn’t look bad himself. johnny was an attractive guy, and he had dressed with the weather in mind. “you look rather spiffy yourself.”

“well, i tried for you.” once you were inside, he shut the door behind you and went around to get in the other seat.

you watched him buckle his seatbelt. “you didn’t have to do this. you could have just sent a driver.”

johnny glanced over at you, not yet starting the car, and smiled. “i find that what a man can do matters less than what he chooses to do. besides, i have a functioning car and an active license. what’s the harm?”

you hummed. “i guess that’s true.”

“shall we go?”

“we shall,” you said, adjusting your seat a bit.

you didn’t talk much on the way there, but it didn’t feel awkward. sometimes it was nice to just look out the window and watch as you passed everything by. there was a world out there, and it was vast, parts of it unknown.

at the pier, johnny bought you both drinks and you ambled along the boardwalk together. “so,” he started. he had matched his strides to yours. “tell me about yourself.”

you didn’t know where to start. it felt like there was so much you could say. “what do you want to know?”

johnny shrugged. “anything. what do you like to do in your free time? where do you see yourself in ten years? what kind of men are you into? were you really going to marry off of your father’s list?”

you pondered each of those things before you spoke, and every answer seemed to go back to haechan. “the list… um, i don’t know. i guess i never really thought about who i would marry.”

that seemed to amuse johnny. “isn’t that all anyone ever thinks about?”

“i thought about getting married, yes. but not really who.” it was a lie now, but once it had been true.

“so you wanted to get married just so you could say you did it?” johnny asked. he didn’t seem to mean anything by it.

“i mean, that’s… putting it bluntly,” you murmured. “but i guess it’s something like that.”

johnny’s voice was soft. “that doesn’t sound like you’re living for yourself.”

“well, a woman lives for her family,” you said. that was what you had always been taught.

johnny changed the subject. “well, what about the other questions? what do you like to do?”

you had spent the past couple of weeks becoming a corpse in your bed, and the weeks before that submitting to haechan’s every whim, or practicing how you would in the future, so you weren’t sure how to answer that question either. “um, if there’s nothing to do around the house, i might hang out with my friend chaewon. well, i did, but um… anyway, i… watch tv, i guess? i don’t have that much free time. what about you?”

johnny didn’t even think about it. “i like to do all sorts of things. try out restaurants i’ve never eaten at, or an activity i’ve never done. i’m a pretty spontaneous guy.” he glanced down at you. “does that bother you? spontaneity?”

you didn’t know if haechan had been spontaneous or unpredictable or both. “i don’t think it’s a problem.”

johnny was pleased. “good. some people prefer routine, but i get bored easily, you know? i want to be with someone who has a sense of adventure.”

but i get bored easily. maybe that was it. maybe haechan had gotten bored of you. maybe he lost interest. “do you get bored of women as well?” you asked. you hadn’t mean to be that forward, but it came out before you could rein it back in.

that, on the other hand, made johnny pause. he spoke very carefully, “i think that there are certain traits i’m attracted to in a woman. her fierceness. her spirit. her resilience. those are the things that keep me interested. i think i wouldn’t approach a woman who didn’t display these traits in the first place.”

you had never really thought of yourself that way, but if he believed it, maybe it was true.

“what about you?” he asked. “what do you want in a man?”

you took a moment to think about that as well. it was something you didn’t always have the luxury of considering. for so long it had just been, this is the kind of woman i need to be. “maybe a man like my father. my biological father,” you whispered. “he was sweet. even when he was busy working, he made time for me. he made me feel special.”

“sounds like he was a good father,” johnny said.

your heart felt heavy. “he was.”

thankfully the rest of the date was lighter. johnny took you to a ton of different stores and you browsed through their inventory, pointing out things that looked cool or silly. you tried on a few different hats. johnny. there was live music playing and you stayed around for that as well.

something about it soothed you. you had always liked music, ever since you were very young. in high school you and chaewon had gone to so many concerts you could scarcely remember them all, but you remembered the way they had made you feel. there was nothing else like that in the world.

leaning against the railing, you watched as the sun began to sink down into the earth for the night, the sky blossoming with color. you could hear the sea beneath you, the water heaving back and forth, the waves crashing against the earth, devouring the bottom of the structure where you stood.

“i think i never really appreciated stuff like this,” you said quietly.

johnny hummed. “why not?”

“it didn’t seem like it mattered,” you said. “it seemed like everything else was bigger and more imminent. but maybe i had it backwards.”

“maybe.”

for the first time in a long time, the silence wasn’t so loud. it didn’t feel like your thoughts were haunting you, pulling you back into a dark abyss of emotions that kept you up at night. everything was just there.

when the sky turned dark, johnny decided he would take you home. you did speak a little bit in the car, but after a while it was just the radio and the gloomy, looming night. you liked it that way.

johnny helped you out of the car and led you up the doorsteps like a proper gentleman, even though it was utterly unnecessary. “i had a good time with you tonight,” he said.

strangely, you felt likewise. you didn’t know if it was because of him, or the environment, but nevertheless, you were glad you forced yourself out of bed that day. “i did too,” you said. “we should do that again.”

johnny was pleasantly surprised by the initiative. “do you have anywhere in mind?”

you thought about it. “there’s a restaurant my father liked,” you told him. “i’ll text it to you when i get inside.”

johnny nodded. “okay. i’ll be waiting.”

“have a good night, johnny.”

he reached out for your hand and kissed it. “you as well.” he walked back a few steps and watched you go inside before he left.

you didn’t run into anyone when you came in so you went straight to your bedroom and took a shower. you were moisturizing yourself when someone knocked on the door. “honey, it’s me. can i come in?”

you glanced up at the door. “yes, it’s unlocked.”

your mother entered the bedroom and closed the door behind her. “how was the date?”

“he was different than i was expecting him to be.”

your mother tilted her head. “in a good way or a bad way?”

“i’m not sure yet,” you said. johnny had been nice enough. you just had a lot going on, and being back here made you remember everything.

“well, you have time to figure it out,” she said. she came to sit beside you on the bed. “do you want to go out with him again?”

“yes.” you knew that much.

she looked pleased. “good. that’s good. i’m glad you’re putting yourself out there and finding a man of your own. i started talking to your stepfather about arrangements.”

arrangements. well, johnny had picked a good time to ask you out. truthfully, it was the last thing you wanted. “mom?”

“yes, dear?”

“do you ever think about dad?” you asked. you knew she hardly talked about him, and you never mentioned him to her first, but today his memory was particularly strong.

she she didn’t answer immediately. it was a while before she finally said, “i try not to.”

you wondered why, but you didn’t ask. “i just feel like you moved on really fast. and i don’t know, i don’t think he deserved that.”

“i remember him one way and you remember him another,” your mother said. she stood up. “goodnight. get some rest. i want us all to have breakfast together tomorrow.”

you restrained yourself from groaning in disgruntlement. ever since you started locking yourself in your room for half the day, she had been trying to force these family meals. sometimes it would be breakfast and sometimes it would be dinner. and it was absolutely awful because haechan would always sit there as if he had never done anything wrong.

but it would be fine. you would get through it. because maybe that was what you did. you got through things.

day by day, you found yourself looking more and more forward to your next date with johnny. it had been a long time since you went to that restaurant you told him about. after your father died, it was like the world pulled you in the other direction, and everything that was his was so far away, part of another life you once had.

you almost wished you could go back to it. but you knew that was impossible, so the next best thing was to wrestle out of this one and start something new.

before you knew it, you were sitting before johnny, eating things that you used to eat, drinking stuff you used to drink. it was bittersweet.

after a while, johnny very gingerly asked, “can i ask when your father died?”

“like two years before my mom married my stepfather,” you said, looking down at your plate. if you closed your eyes, you could see him sitting there, talking about how much he liked the songs the band was playing.

you didn’t know if he was a mind reader or something, but he pressed, “do you think she moved on too fast?”

yes. maybe. i don’t know anymore. when you told her that you did, your mother had said something that confused you. you had no idea how she remembered him, or what that was supposed to mean. “it just feels like she was running from something,” you said. “and i didn’t feel like i really had time to process what happened before she married into this new family.”

“have you ever considered therapy?”

“no.”

“why not?”

“i never really thought about it,” you told him. “i guess i was worried about other things.”

“like getting married?” it was such a harmless question, but it felt like there was something he was getting at.

“i mean, yeah…”

johnny took a sip from his cup. “well, my mom says you can bury a body, but it’ll still be right there where you left it. you have to face those sorts of things.”

the conversation was getting heavy. maybe too heavy for a second date. “i like the music they play here,” you whispered. “the music they played at the pier was nice too.”

johnny smiled. “do you like music?”

you nodded. “yes. i used to sing in the choir. when i was little i watched my grandmother play the piano. i wanted to learn how to play it in college but i never had time.”

“you have time now,” he replied simply.

your brows furrowed a moment. that was true. it had seemed so small in the grand scheme of things, learning to play an instrument, but now there was really nothing holding you back. “i guess so.”

“i’d like to hear you sing some time,” johnny said with genuine interest.

you smiled timidly. “i think i’m a bit rusty, but i wouldn’t mind doing a tune or two. what about you? do you sing?”

johnny made a face, moving his head from side to side. “a little bit. i’m not whitney houston or anything but i can hold a note.”

you laughed. “i heard there’s a festival happening on the tenth. would you be interested in that?”

“are you asking me on a date?” johnny teased.

“i thought that was the point of this.”

“it is,” he said. “and for the record, i would love to be at this festival with you on the tenth. i’ll clear my schedule right now.”

“if you’re busy, it’s okay—”

“nope,” johnny interrupted, already reaching for his phone. “i’m calling my assistant and telling him to cancel everything i have scheduled for that day.”

you had already been smiling, but it somehow grew even bigger. “that’s really nice of you.”

johnny’s eyes raked over your face, your smile. “it’s what you do for a girl you like.”

something about that made your heart flutter in a way that felt forbidden, but you didn’t know why.

and if you thought that was a lot, then nothing could prepare you for when johnny walked you up the steps to your house like he had done on the first date, only this time asking, “can i kiss you?”

when you came to think of it, you weren’t sure if haechan had ever kissed you on the lips. he had kissed other parts of your body and held you in his arms, but he had never put his lips to yours, and you never knew how badly you wanted that until now. “yes,” you whispered.

johnny craned his head down so that his lips could reach yours. the kiss was soft, tender. in a way it felt like he was merely testing the waters, but it made a fierce heat spread through your chest, and when he pulled away, you felt light as a feather.

“was that okay?” he asked, taking in your face with concern.

“yes,” you said again, because you didn’t know what else to say. a smile broke out across your face.

“good,” he said, reluctantly stepping down. “good night.”

“good night, johnny.”

it was safe to say that the dates didn’t stop there.

you spent months going out with johnny, and the more you did, the less you thought about anyone else. when you were with him, it felt like the two of you were the only people in the world, but not because you were alone. because he had a way of making everything else not matter.

the two of you did various activities together. the music festival was a blast, and he was tall, so he got good videos. you went bowling a few times, and that got super competitive. he even had the idea of taking dance classes, and it was the silliest thing, but you did it, and you enjoyed it. everything felt so easy.

the worst part was the waiting. sitting at home, knowing he was at work, knowing that it would be a while before he responded to your messages. but you always texted each other good morning and good night, no matter what. sometimes you texted him things anyway, if you really just had something to get off your chest, knowing that he would read it later.

it did finally give you the inspiration you needed to get out of bed and stop merely existing. you took up piano like you wanted, and the instructor came in a few times a week, helping you bit by bit.

you started sleeping more, and the dark circles went away. there were still hard times and harder thoughts, but you didn’t feel this unshakable sense of doom anymore. it felt like things were happening the way they were supposed to, and for the first time in a long time, you were doing things just because you wanted to do it.

that felt like a superpower you never knew you had. your mind was at ease more often that not, even though it could still be hard when you saw haechan and remembered the way things were. but you told yourself that the way things were was not necessarily the same as the way things should be.

one day, you went over to johnny’s apartment for the first time. “you have a nice place,” you said, taking in the sight of everything. it was neat, organized. the furniture selection was tasteful.

“thanks. perks of being a businessman,” he chirped. “may i interest you in a glass of pinot noir?”

you giggled. “yes, you may.”

the two of you sat at a table, drinking wine, talking about anything and everything under the sun. it felt comfortable. safe. you just came as you were, and he was okay with that.

one thing led to another, and you found yourself in bed with him. at first it was just kissing. his lips against your lips, then against your jaw, then against your neck. it made your breath hitch. then it was touching. he paused, asking if you it was okay, and his hands wandered more and more, his eyes glued to your face, searching your every expression for a hint.

at some point, you wound up naked. his lips had been everywhere, your face, your chest, your abdomen, but then his face was between your legs, and he said, “i want to make you feel good. tell me if you want me to stop.”

at first, you had started to go into your mind, but it was hardly ever a good place to be. you slowly eased into the moment and let yourself relax. and that was the best choice you could have made. when you came, he kissed you down there and said that you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

you wanted to return the favor. he had said you didn’t need to, but you insisted; it would feel wrong if you didn’t give back. so begrudgingly he let you, and when you took him into your mouth, you pulled out every trick you knew to please him, because there was never the alternative of being mediocre.

johnny was very receptive. you liked the way his body reacted on its own, those responses raw and natural. you liked the way his voice sounded when he urged you on, saying things like, “fuck, just like that. you’re so good at that. how are you so good at that?” he had a steady hand in your hair as he held it behind your head.

when he came, you swallowed everything, your eyes fixed to his as you did. he looked like his soul had been dragged out of him, his eyes hazy, his chest heaving.

when you pulled away, you said, “thank you for letting me suck your cock, johnny.”

johnny blinked, like it took him a moment to process what you said, which was fair, all things considered. “what did you just say?”

you really hadn’t even meant to say it, but it was ingrained.

johnny was looking at you hard. “where did that come from? that’s really weird.”

your face burned. “i-i’m sorry, i thought you would like it.”

“don’t be silly. that’s nothing you need to thank me for,” he said. he pulled you off the floor, back up to the bed with him. “who taught you to say that?”

you didn’t know how he knew that, but your heart was racing. you had been hiding this truth from him for so long. you were afraid that if you told him, he would change his mind about you and everything you had would be nothing, and you couldn’t take another loss, you just couldn’t.

but you couldn’t lie to him either, so reluctantly you confessed as quietly as you could, “haechan…”

johnny’s brows furrowed together. “had he touched you?”

you swallowed. “yes… but i wanted him to!”

johnny put his pants back on and handed your clothes back to you. you were afraid he was going to make you leave, but he asked, “when did this start?”

“i don’t know. it was months ago,” you said. it felt like forever ago and just yesterday at the same time. “i wasn’t getting suitors, so i asked him to help me dress more attractively. he took me to the mall and bought me clothes. he also bought… lingerie. he told me to have it on and wait for him. and later that night he came in and we… were together.” your eyes watered. “i’m sorry. i understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore. i know i was supposed to wait. he said i could lie, that my husband would lie, but i can’t do it. i’m sorry, i’m sorry.”

“stop,” johnny said, gentle but firm. “having sex doesn’t defile you. stop crying. tell me the full story.”

so you did. you told him about haechan and his friends. you told him about chaewon and the mall. you told him about the party, the vacation, what you saw in the kitchen, and how haechan had chosen the company over you. you told him what haechan had said, that if you couldn’t make him happy, you would make no man happy. that things with no value go in the trash. by the end of it, johnny’s face was grim.

“you do realize that that’s coercion and manipulation?”

“what?” you croaked. you didn’t know what you expected him to say, but it wasn’t that.

johnny continued, “none of what you just told me is normal. you just told me that he took advantage of your grief and insecurities to make you consent to having sex with him, and that he physically abused you and let his friends abuse you as well.”

“he loves me. he said so,” you whispered, but you had already started to doubt that.

johnny grabbed you by the shoulders. his touch wasn’t rough, but you could feel the graveness of it. “a man who loves you will not put his hands on you. a man who loves you will not lie to you. a man who loves you will not make you perform sexual favors simply so that you can meet a friend and then become aggressive because you’re inexperienced. that is a man who is using you. that is a man who gets off on controlling you and eroding your sense of self.”

for some reason, that only made you cry more. you knew haechan was no good for you. you knew that he was a liar and he hit you and he was probably not a good person, but you had never been good at letting go. it was the single hardest thing in the world.

johnny’s eyes softened. he wiped the tears from your face with his thumb. “darling, he made it so that your self worth hinged on his validation to such an extent that whenever he got angry, you would blame yourself. you would think, ‘well, if i never messed up, he wouldn’t have hit me.’ but there’s no such thing as perfection, least of all to men like him. men like him don’t give you the space you need to mistakes and grow. they want to break you down so that there’s nothing left of you but what they want you to be. don’t let him break you down by believing his lies.”

“you don’t understand. at first, he was helping me…” you whispered.

“i understand how you might believe that, but it was never about helping you. he may have done things that you feel have benefited you, but it was always for his own gain.” johnny tilted your chin up. “why do you want suitors?”

it was such an outlandish question. “because i want to get married.”

“why?”

“because…. i want to have a family.”

“why?”

“because that’s what i’m supposed to do.”

“why?”

you didn’t understand why he was asking this question over and over and it was frustrating. “because that’s how i grew up.”

“exactly,” johnny said. “you want those things because the rest of the world told you that you’re supposed to want it. they dress it and make it sound pretty too. but you know what happens to most people? they marry a person they don’t really know or barely like. they have kids with this person without an inkling of an idea what a commitment it is to be a parent. they fuss and fight with this person and the children grow up watching, learning, absorbing, and they internalize it as their picture of love so that when they go into the real world, they can’t identify a performance of it from the real thing. and the cycle repeats.”

it made you remember what chaewon had said about why you couldn’t have sleepovers at her house. she had always complained about her parents’ incessant arguments.

johnny kissed your forehead and continued, “so if you’re going to marry someone, if you’re going to have children, at least do it on your own terms. do it because you want to. don’t do it because you think that’s all there is to life. it’s not. you’re very young.”

he was the first person to ever say anything like that to you, and that went for a lot of things you had heard him say over the months. but when you were brave enough to follow his advice, it did make you happier, so maybe he was right.

“i want to marry you,” johnny said. “but i don’t want you to agree to it because you think you have to. i want you to agree because you like me, and you think that we will make each other happy.”

“i do like you,” you said, wiping your eyes. “you make me happy. more than anyone else.”

“are you sure?” johnny asked warily.

“yes,” you told him. you wrapped your arms around him. “i want you in my life forever.”

“okay,” johnny said, sighing in relief. “okay. then sit down. we should talk about that.”

you followed him to the bed, sitting beside him, watching him, half clothed and barely even noticing. his words were echoing in your head, giving you so much to think about, things you had never considered, and that was the thing you liked about johnny that was so scary. he put things in your head that went against everything you ever heard, everything you had ever let yourself believe about the world.

that night honestly ended too soon, but the good news was that you weren’t dreading going back home for once.

at the next dinner, you knew the night was going to be exciting. everyone was seated in their usual spots, and your mother interrogated everyone about their days.

you took a more active position for once, asking haechan, “how’s things with the company?”

“i’m glad you asked, sister,” haechan said, smiling. it was always weird seeing him act pleasant. “things are running smoothly. we’re currently trying to ascertain the most efficient means of implementing some new initiatives i had in mind that could boost our worker productivity and overall profitability. and you? how are things going with, what is it, mr. suh?”

“i’m glad you asked, brother,” you echoed, matching his smile. “mr. suh wants me to be mrs. suh.”

the table went silent for a moment. you saw the forks freeze as everyone took that in.

your stepfather was the first to say, “i think that’s a wonderful idea!”

“honey, that’s amazing,” said your mother, the delight shaping her face. “i’m so proud. are you serious?”

“very,” you said. you glanced at your stepfather. “obviously, i need your blessing, but…”

“i can’t think of anything more fantastic," he interrupted.

“i think i’m going to cry,” your mother said, clasping her hands over her mouth. “my baby is getting married! i’m getting a grandchild!”

it felt like forever before your mother and her husband finally stopped bombarding you with a million questions about things you hadn’t even had time to consider yet, but it was obvious that they were pleased.

haechan, on the other hand, was not.

you were alone in the kitchen, grabbing something extra to drink when haechan popped up in the entrance.

“you can’t marry him,” he said.

“i believe that decision is up to your father, and he seems more than thrilled about it,” you replied.

it was like he didn’t hear you. “you can’t marry him,” he said again.

you spun around and crossed your arms. “and why not?”

“because you’re mine,” haechan declared. he walked up until he was standing directly in front of you, his face nearly touching yours. “did you forget that already? i don’t touch you for a couple of months and you spread your legs for the first willing man in a suit like a good little whore? is that what you are? a whore?”

you grabbed a knife from the knife holder and pointed it at him. “don’t talk to me like that!”

haechan’s eyes widened. “baby, put the knife down.”

“no!” you exclaimed. something about the entire interaction made you feel so triggered. “you made me like this! i believed you. i thought you loved me!”

“i do. i do love you, baby, i swear-“

you jabbed the knife at him. “stop lying to me! you only love yourself! you said you were going to fix me, but you just wanted to break me down. you said you were doing what’s best for me, but you were doing what was best for yourself!”

haechan leapt back, stumbling. “okay, okay, i’m sorry, i’m sorry- let me make it up to you, okay?”

“no,” you said firmly. “i’m done with you. i’m moving in with johnny.”

haechan didn’t look like he was taking that well. you could see it in his eyes. the shock, then the anger. he was quiet for a moment, just glaring at you, but at last, he said, “you’ll never find another man like me.”

“i sure hope so.” you turned and walked away.

every time you saw haechan around the house after that day, he was sure to look at you with nothing but contempt, as if you had done something to break his heart and not the other way around.

but you didn’t care. something good was finally happening to you, and you weren’t going to let him ruin it. you weren’t going to let your life revolve around his happiness anymore. for once, this was about you. and that was okay. it felt like it was okay.

it didn’t take long for you to remember how much you hated moving. the process was beyond annoying, even with people hired to do the heavy lifting for you. it was especially hard when you moved out of the house you grew up in, your father’s house. every memory you had ever made for the first twenty something years of your life was in that house, and you had to leave them there, or try to bring them somewhere the walls looked different, and the stairs didn’t sound the same, and the doors weren’t what you were used to. somewhere they didn’t fit.

at least now you were going somewhere you wanted to be. this house had never been a home. you walked around it the last few days of your staying, and it felt like a shackle was at your feet, letting you go just far enough to get around here, but keeping you inside.

the kitchen made you remember that night with haechan and his friends, the way their hands had felt on your body, how trapped you had felt. it reminded you of the way his hand went across your face when you woke late. your closet reminded you of the doom you felt waiting for him to come up to your bedroom, dreading it. the living room made you remember the day the investor stopped by to see him. the stairs made you remember hearing him and chaewon together.

when you put all of those thoughts together… you really hated this house.

“that’s the last of it,” you said in relief as you came in to sit on johnny’s couch. well, it was yours now too. “thanks for letting me move in.”

johnny snorted. “well, we’re getting married, so i think that’s only fair.”

i am getting married. to think something you had dreamed of your whole life was now becoming a tangible reality, and you were doing it for the right reason too. not because it was what everyone expected, but because you genuinely wanted it.

you glanced up at johnny. “i don’t think i’m going to talk to haechan anymore.”

“good,” he said, nodding. “that’s good.”

your feelings for haechan had been complicated, hard to shake even when you began to comprehend the truth of the harm he had done to you. but for some reason, that night in the kitchen, when he said those things to you, it was like a switch had gone off in your head. maybe even a month prior, you would have told yourself that you deserved it, that you had insulted him by going off with another man and had somehow earned his cruelty. but every month with johnny made you realize that what you had felt around haechan was not butterflies, but fear.

you didn’t want to live every single day on edge. you wanted to be with someone who made you feel safe. someone who made the world feel quiet. someone who made your life feel rich with possibility. someone like johnny.

“i was so stupid to believe him,” you murmured.

johnny shook his head. “you weren’t stupid,” he said. he approached the couch and dropped beside you. “you were vulnerable. he knew that and he preyed on you. the good thing is that you started to recognize the trap for what it was, and you didn’t let yourself get stuck in it. that counts for something.”

your brows furrowed as you became lost in thought, pondering the way things had been, how you had been so deceived. “he was nice sometimes. especially in the beginning.”

johnny chuckled. “of course he was. it’s easy to forgive someone when you’re clinging onto the good parts of them.”

“it’s almost like you’re speaking from experience.”

“well, there’s a lot of things you still don’t know about me,” johnny said. “but i’ll trust you if you can trust me.”

you reached for his hand. “i do trust you.”

johnny smiled. “i’m getting you a ring. and i’m going to propose to you properly. somewhere with good music. then we’re gonna go to dinner and you’re gonna tell me what you want to do in the next phase of your life, and i’ll tell you something about the last phase of mine.” he squeezed your hand. “deal?”

you looked down at your joined hands, and a wide grin broke across your lips. “deal.”

you were truly happy with johnny. happier than you had been since before your father died. part of that was because your understanding of happiness had changed. you did things because they fulfilled you, and not because you were told that you should find it fulfilling. it didn’t feel like you were performing. with johnny, you could truly just be, and he still accepted you with open arms no matter what.

sometimes you would make mistakes. sometimes the ways of the life you had before you and johnny met emerged, but when it did, johnny helped you get through it so that you could start to unlearn behaviors that were never truly meant to serve you.

and you learned so much about yourself now that you were finally letting yourself exist. you wanted to travel more, learn more instruments, learn more languages, eat different food, meet different people. you wanted to pick up new hobbies and wear new clothes and do something random just because.

you had been in the middle of selecting color arrangements for your wedding when the mention of a familiar name on the news got your attention. the news anchor was saying, “tonight’s breaking news, ceo lee haechan has been removed from office after several subordinates came forward alleging that he engaged in illicit sexual relationships with them. the allegations are currently under investigation, and no criminal charges have been announced at this time.”

oh, how you would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at the house. things with no value go in the trash. there’s a mercy in that. i’d rather him go to hell.

as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months, though, no matter how great your life had become, you knew there was still something missing.

you tapped your feet against the ground as you sat at the back of the cafe. you had texted chaewon from johnny’s phone, still knowing her number by heart after all these years. you’d had little hopes that she would respond, but she did, and now you were waiting.

it had been so long since you last saw each other, you didn’t know what to expect. you didn’t even feel like the person you were when everything happened. it felt like a life that someone else had lived.

when you finally saw chaewon approaching, the air fled your lungs. she sat down at the table in front of you, and up close, she seemed to have become a different person too.

“hey,” you said shakily.

chaewon didn’t smile. “hey.”

“long time, no see. you look good,” you told her, because it was true. she had always looked good, her worst days were another person’s very best. but her hair was longer now, and she had dyed it.

“as do you,” she said, “but we’re a little past small talk, don’t you think?”

you swallowed. it was strange, being so careful around her, the person you had once felt the most comfortable with. “i suppose we are.”

chaewon cut to the chase. “my brother made me block you. he says you set it up. is that true?”

it was the hardest thing to admit. “yes.”

chaewon scoffed. “wow. how could you do that? do you know that i got pregnant?”

“what?”

“yeah,” she said, sitting back in her chair. “luckily, jaehyun convinced my parents not to make me keep it. i was so scared.”

“did it… go okay?” you asked tinily. it felt like a stupid thing to say. “the abortion?”

“it was fine, i guess,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “i cramped and bled for a few days. after that it was easier.”

you nodded. it took you a moment to find the words. “chaewon, i am… so sorry. sending him after you… that was awful of me. i heard you and haechan in the kitchen that night and i was angry. i was jealous. i’ve been jealous of you almost my whole life. and i chose to do something that i knew would hurt you because of it. looking back, i can see how wrong it was. you didn’t deserve it at all and it cost me our friendship, and i didn’t understand that that was the realest thing i had. i know there’s nothing i can say to erase the impact of that trauma, but i can promise that i won’t let my emotions get the better of me like that again. i’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if i have to.”

chaewon was quiet a long time. “i appreciate your apology, but i don’t know if i’m ready to forgive you right now, or if i ever will be.”

that cut deep, but you couldn’t blame her. “that makes sense.”

“congratulations on your engagement,” she said, gesturing to your hand. “i hope he treats you well and you have a good life together. goodbye.”

“goodbye, chaewon,” you whispered. you watched her rise and walk away, almost as quickly as she had come. the moment was over before it really began, and you sat there not knowing if she would ever come back, not knowing if you had said the right thing, not knowing if there was anything in the world you could do to keep her there.

you looked down at the ring johnny had gotten you. it was absolutely beautiful, and he had let you choose it to ensure you loved it. you were entering a new phase of your life, and though it wasn’t with chaewon, it was with someone who loved you all the same. maybe you could live with that.

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