It's like if your ears could get handjobs

Think outside the Bible.

Don't ever kiss anyone's ass. Unless you're in an erotic situation in Oahu.

You see why I'm like this. My dad offered to buy me tits!

I don’t do labels. I don’t label people, I don’t label my Chapstick, I don’t label my butt stick.

Being hatecrimed anywhere, cheese aisle or not, is horrible. And that is a direct quote.

If you can't drill the oil, you must acquit!

Lifetime Intimate Portrait: BRING IT BACK!

Infinite Jest is about me, because I neeever stop.

Titanic 3D. Which is like a ship, in your face.

All my succulents get leaved on!

I'm fine dying in a fire, but I will not die at the hands of a crazed skunk with a knife.

If you want chicken and biscuits and some facts, you come to me.

It would not be in my best interest as a trendsetter and a firestarter.

Maybe Texas just got into a relationship, and that's why they're doing so many LIES."

I know a boner in amber when I see one.

I’ll tell you who doesn’t do public nudity: hot people.

Chickens don't make any noise. They're like proper ladies.