Ms. Seattlelove

Your cat will ALWAYS love you, even if she is an asshole about it sometimes.

Sometimes you must put on underwear and take the recycling out instead of being a lazy ass and feeling sorry for yourself. Sure, you got rejected, but the cardboard and empty soda bottles are piling up.

This is the kind of dress that should get one laid, or at the very least, made out with. I demand my $13 back. Thanks a lot Forever21.

My Friend Kitty

Do NOT smoke them out on the first date unless THEY brought the weed. Pay no attention to how much they claim they smoke. If they didn't bring their own, they're probably huge lightweights who can't handle their weed AT ALL. They will get weird and googly-eyed and scuttle off awkwardly, not giving you an end-of-date kiss. Sorry.

I have this silly little game I like to play when I see someone I find attractive, as my attractions tend to be based muchly on how they present their personal style. It is called Hobo or Hipster, because sometimes you JUST DONT KNOW. I saw this dude on my bus the other day and he was pretty cute, so I was playing this game in my head and trying to weigh the different elements of his dress to decide. And then we got off the bus and he set his backpack down on a bench and legit pulled out a cardboard busking sign and a pair of sock poi. Not boyfriend material.

Make a doing-it playlist on your iPod and put loads of Sad Bastard Music on there, such as The Smiths and Neutral Milk Hotel. See how he reacts. Maybe throw in some Lil Wayne to mix things up. Suss out whether homie can roll or not.

Never be the one to ask HIM out, because he will instantly stop responding to your messages and fall off the face of the earth. This also applies to suggesting a specific evening when he’s already asked you out. Your schedule may be crazy and you only have one or two free nights this week, but he does not care, because he now finds your enthusiasm to get to know him better as a huge turn-off. How dare you like him, even a little.

Don't go out with a stand up comedian. They're surprisingly not funny in the way they reject you.

You might not want to try to date a sociopath and then wonder why he's meeting 0% of your needs.

It doesn't matter how good you smell. He hasn't brushed his teeth in three days. Also, if he thinks you're crazy, he won't want to smell you. And he DEFINITELY thinks you're crazy.

Doesn't matter if he likes you; he likes his fixed gear bike more. Sorry.