Second Star To The Right

Fuck all you guys who are in relationships and married messaging me.

I’m not talking about the occasional “hey this photo of you is hot” etc.

I’m literally talking about you assholes trying to convince me to give up my morales to sleep with you. GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE.

I admit, I have slept with a married man, twice. One didn’t have any evidence he was married, no ring, no pictures, no status etc. I found out after the fact. He got me drunk, (he doesn’t drink) and slept with me. When I confronted him, he said they were seperated. The next week they are in Mexico on a cruise. I was coming out of a relationship, heartbroken. Not making excuses, but it’s all wrong.

The other time, I knew. I was blackout drunk. Halfway through I was like “wait no fuck this”

Both times the guys wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to block one, and actually tell my former boss to make him leave me alone, since it was his friend.

The other faded away and hits me up all the time.

He knows what I’ve gone through lately, and is trying to use is it against me. Telling me “karma” isn’t real.

Maybe it’s not, but my fucking morales are.

I’m not that girl.

I’ve done a lot of growing over the last few years and will continue to do so, and i won’t be going down to these levels.

STOP POSTING ABOUT IT

Someone needed to say it

Goodbyes are hard. Harder when you don’t get to say them.

You, the old you, will ALWAYS be my favorite person. I know in my heart i will never love anyone like i love you. You made me feel seen and free, in all aspects of my life. For a moment, our friendship was untouchable, unshakable. No one understood it, and we didn’t care. The love we had for each other was intense, and ultmaley, I assume for you, our undoing.

For me, it was how quickly “things” over took you. It changed you. You became mean and callous, even delusional. But I guess that’s what addiction does. It crumbles you, fucks your mind so bad, you don’t even notice. Suddenly, everything else is the problem, not the drugs. Not the addictions. It’s the people who care. And we are the ones who suffer more in a way. We are left with the former shell of someone, and now i don’t even recognize who you are. Time seems to keep going, but in your mind it was “just last week” when we talked, hungout, were “ok”. It’s actually been 3 months since we’ve hungout or seen each other. It’s been weeks since we’ve talked.

And the lies. God. Lies i told myself, lies ind others, lies you told me, lies to yourself. Cocaine is disgusting. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate what’s it’s done, what you’ve let it done.

I miss you so fucking much; but I’ve been missing your for months, even when you were around.

I hope one day, you will get clean, you will grow, you will heal. I cannot be around for it anymore. Not because I don’t love you, not because I don’t care, bur because i love and care TOO MUCH. And it’s killing me.

But we can’t. No longer do you seem to care, you “outgrew” me what seems to be overnight. You say you haven’t changed, but you really have. How much is it the fucking drugs, messing with you, leaving you a former shell of yourself; and how much is it just you being damaged and pushing me away. Telling me I’m your family and best friend to not even batting an eyelash when i tell you I need you, or that you’ve hurt me.

Today.

I wish I could have spent it with you. Instead it’s been reduced to a few word text. Seems so empty and emotionless.

I thought of how this day could’ve gone; should’ve gone....

I would’ve done everything in my power to show you how special you are, to make you really feel loved. I hope that you at least get that from someone.

I wish it would get easier, not being in each other’s lives, but the truth is, it’s just getting harder and harder with each passing day. You pop up every now and again, with very forced and fake texts, and it kills me. I miss you with everything inside of me, and I just can’t take it anymore.