Coeur de Lion

Last Sunday, I was back to this convent exactly a year my first time here. It became my cousin's birthday tradition to be here. But I have a supposed prior commitment, a cheerdance practice for SFC's Singolympics. Being torn, I asked the Lord where He wanted me to go then I was led here.

The convent houses contemplative nuns wherein there are stations visitors can write their prayer requests and drop them to a box and the nuns would pray for them.

As I stood at the side wing of the church, there were numerous people writing their prayers. That moment, I was reminded the first time I was there and the thing I wrote on a piece of paper; "I just want the Lord's will to be done in my life."

A year had passed and I was bombarded with so many whys. Why am I really here? Why such certain things needed to happen? Why am I here at my current job? Why does I need to transfer my SFC membership? I miss SFC Tacloban so bad. Why am I with these people? The list goes on. Yung tipong mababaliw ka na sa sobrang haba ng BakitList mo sa Panginoon.

I struggled so much (still am) I could barely survive. Holding on so tight to that thin line between sanity and just giving up all at once.

After being briefly reminded about the prayer I wrote a year ago, very gently He whispered; "Child, I want you to grow in your peripheries."

Simple calming answer to my seemingly unending "why Lord?".

Ang haba na neto pero I just cannot help it. Sobrang faithful Mo.

Conventional wisdom are too self-sufficient. No, I don’t want to be a “master of my own destiny”. Because I don’t want to miss out on an amazing adventure. 

My vision is too limited. While God is multifaceted, All-knowing. Isn’t it far more wiser to invite Him to lead on?

He knows me more that I even know myself and knows what I’m capable of.  He knows all of my dreams and all of my weaknesses. I don’t want to rely on my own. Because I might lead astray. To rely on God’s power is my ultimate desire. Trusting wherever He leads me is necessary to build me. 

He may me lead to people who tests my patience. To people who will criticize. Or to circumstances that I’m not comfortable to be in. Because hey, I am not made for comfort but for battlefield. At everyday I wake up I got to ask Him to help me acknowledge every work He is doing with me; polishing my capabilities and stretching my character. Characters that are requisite to be the person He wanted me to be.

Having seen the greater picture, I can’t help to be flushed. His love is so perfect I can’t even fathom. What an exciting journey ahead.

And when our plans collide in harmony, 

“When you decide, don’t limp on the threshold, jump!” - John Ortberg

For almost two months of thinking, weighing things, discerning and praying harder. I’ve finally decided to spend my apprenticeship here in Manila. My bargain with Lord is that if I’ll be torn into two or three job offers, I’d choose the one which is diverse in practice in architecture. But only one company out four applications sent had invited me to an interview. And I got hired as Junior Architect. Honestly, in my heart I wrestled with God because I wanted to be a part of something big. A company that doesn’t just focus on residential perhaps? But He humbled me and that I needed to start here. I decided to be here and I need to take responsibility for my decision, believing God is with me wherever I go.

I left home worrying for my family, esp my brother. I guess, this is a part of my decision and I needed to sacrifice. Leaving them is not easy for me that I’ve cried out in my prayer, kneeling and asking if I am doing the right thing. But the Lord is just so amazing for calming my heart. I left my family in His hand therefore I have nothing to worry. 

He needed to take me far from my comfort zone to see, know, taste and experience Him in ways that shake me to my core. And stands ready to reveal Himself, enfold me in love, speak power and touch me with grace.  

loyolapress

I have heard the same on Fr. Ronel Taboso’s homily one time. And we even tackled about it as I heed his counseling that day. I am wondering if how it is to discern when you have that gift from the Holy Spirit. Is God’s direction becomes clearly heard? Other than the gift of Interpretation, which I’m praying to have (so I might able understand my gift of Tongues and others’ as well), gift of Discernment is definitely on my ‘spiritual bucket list’. But of course, whatever yet another gift God will give me, I’ll accept it gladly. 

As for everyone who took up and is taking up Architecture, the diversified experience which consists of 3,840 hours is one of if not the most important decision we’ll ever make. Unlike other courses, apprenticeship/Internship or OJT programs are within the curriculum. In Architecture, it is outside the 5-year course. Most preferably, after graduation. 

By saying ‘important decision’ it means it is by our discretion as to where we spend our apprenticeship. Our curriculum or school itself does not held liable to where or when we decide to. 

Currently, as a graduating student I am thinking already to where should I apply. My struggle is to stay here in Tacloban or Manila/Cebu. By staying here, I have someone who is already sure to be my employer. She waits on me as I graduate so I may able to work on her firm full time. So much advantages awaits. I need not look for a job and ‘apply’ formally. I got to stay at the comfort of living with my family and small firms just like hers offers me to be in touch of almost everything. Bigger chances are I might be involved in design development, CAD, client meetings, site supervision, material selection and purchase and many more which means I’ve go to experience a lot. Wherein if I choose Manila or Cebu, firms are bigger there. What if I only got to do a specific task? But that, I’m not sure of.

So why am I still thinking about it when choosing Tacloban seems better? I want thrill. I want to feel aflutter as I look for a job, and as I got to meet the boss or the workmates. I want to know how it is to live independently. I want to take a heart for I know God will never leave me.

It is hard for me to decide.

As stated on the title, yes, this marks my first personal write up on this blog. For almost 8 years of using Tumblr, its contents are mainly Super Junior. Which most of them are reblogs however. There are times I ponder how much time I've squander on those Korean men. This doesn't mean though that I will never check on them anymore or buy their albums and go to their concerts. I will not say my love for them didn't changed. Maybe, I just love them differently now. Priorities had changed.

Regardless, this is not about SJ nor my fangirl life but priorities. Life after graduation. To be particular, this is about apprenticeship.