ms. paranoia

Let me put it this way : since I learned of this show on December 4, I've watched every episode several times, I've read all 6 books in the series, and I've read a total of 23 m/m hockey romance novels.

After so many intense weeks of work, I finally took a day off for errands and rest. My goal starting June 1 is to figure out how to properly take and enjoy all my days off. I accept defeat for this vacation year, but I'm ready to try again.

I realized on New Year’s Eve that it was my fourth NYE with Paris Boy.

2013/2014: My first NYE in Seattle…I had two boyfriends at the time and was undecided and noncommittal. I actually left Paris Boy (Seattle Boy, then) at the bar/club/venue we were in to go to a house party for gay boys. My midnight kisses were silly make outs with said gay boys. I re-met Paris/Seattle boy later after midnight, but by then he was flirting with another girl. I loved him for that. We spent the night together at his place, but never entered anything resembling a exclusive-ish relationship til late in February 2014.

2014/2015: By then, we lived together in my apartment (that I still live in and love now!). We went out for dinner and then had ~6 people over. We climbed 2 flights of stairs in our building to watch the Space Needle fireworks. After everyone left, we realized we didn’t like those people so we moved on from them.

2015/2016: We went to a show at a club near our apartment. We ran into this ridiculously hot bartender who is still one of my Seattle favorites (though I don’t know his name or whereabouts). Paris boy and I met him randomly on our “first date” (second hangout) when he was bartending at a bar we went to. We ran into him a few hours later and he bought us drinks at another bar. A few months later, I ran into him at a Mariners game. I came an hour late and he was sitting directly beside my friends. We post-gamed at yet another bar where Paris Boy finally joined us after work. Bartender-Boy-Whose-Name-I-Cannot-Remember bought us drinks and asked Paris Boy if it was okay if he flirted with me. Of course Paris Boy was fine with it – I loved him for that too. Running into Bartender Boy on NYE was a most welcome surprise and we partied with him for hours. That was my last time seeing him, and I am still trying to remember his name.

2016/2017: NYE in Paris. When Seattle Boy upped and moved to Paris, evolving into Paris Boy, that was his hottest exploit yet. We spent NYE at a trendy bar that was ridiculously hard to find. I was chilling and enjoying the DJ, when I realized it was our fourth NYE together. Fourth?! This is now something akin to a long term relationship. Crazy! Our shared fear of commitment is likely what makes this possible.

Happy new year!

But I really wanted to work through it. A few hours later, I went to chat with my coworker Paul. I am not even giving him a pen name. It’s really Paul. He is amazing to talk to, and I should thank him more often. We chattied about my life and career and Paris, and ultimately realized/decided the following:

I’m okay with missing my ex. I’m okay with wanting to move to Paris. I’m okay with feeling conflicted. I’m okay with wishing I could focus 100% on my job (instead of the 95% I currently focus); I’m okay with going through the potentially long/hard struggle of finding a good Paris job.

I am NOT with being unhappy/unhot/unsexy/unproductive in this interlude; I am not okay with not being my best self; I am not okay with not liking myself....while all of this goes on.

I tried out this Ultimate Frisbee league after work today. The game seemed pretty complicated, for a first timer like me. I think it’ll be a good workout and good challenge, so l will stick to it for this summer and see if I get better at knowing what I should be doing when. However, I reserve the right to skip on the days it interferes with Volleyball, because that’s clearly more fun.

That being said, this time Paris felt completely new. It was like my first time there. It seemed conquerable, not huge. And having been there before and having done some of the stuff I (wrongly) imagined I *had* to do (Louvre, for example), I felt free to only do what I actually wanted to do. (For the record, I dislike the Louvre - it’s too big and unfocused for me, and I have still never been to the top of the Eiffel Tower).

Some of the funnest things I did included:

lugged a TV “home” from a neighborhood store.

shopped for scarves and shoes for ex.

tried and failed to buy other apartment stuff for him.

saw a “children in art” temporary exhibit at the Musée Marmottan Monet. This was a tiny out-of-the-way museum that had similar impressionist paintings to the other 2 museums we went to, but the temporary exhibit, showing the evolving way children’s lives were depicted in art, was brilliant.

played in the Renoir Gardens at the Musée de Montmartre. This is another tiny museum (of mostly impressionist and post-impressionist paintings) that’s less than ten minutes away from ex’s apartment. walking.

wandered around art galleries (like Galerie Daniel Templon) to see art that I could never afford in any lifetime.

went to a Radiation City concert at some dive-y, outskirts-y venue (Espace B), after missing them in Seattle.

took my Iris postcards to a neighborhood cafe so I could write to my friends while reveling in long Parisian meals.

tracked down “hidden gardens” from the “Hidden Gardens of Paris: A Guide to the Parks, Squares, and Woodlands of the City of Light” book to see (and smell!) amazing flowers.

ate amazing omelettes and salads at Parisian cafes (or brasseries, I should say).

drank amazing rosé everywhere I went.

saw pretty paintings painted by artists along the Seine drawn by street artists all along the Seine. (should have bought one+ of these).

In general, I felt a peacefulness that I want to engage in more often (and it doesn’t have to be in Paris or anywhere specific). My action items include:

eat food that is less processed, buy more vegetables, make caprese salad at home for myself.

drink more amazing wine, especially French rosé. which starts with shop harder for good wine, have more good wine at home.

take reading/writing paraphernalia with me when I go dine/drink around town, because slowing down and thinking while I eat/drink makes me happy.

when I go out, focus on connecting with the person I’m with. don’t go out with my friends who just want to meet strangers to flirt with. (there’s nothing wrong with doing that; I’m just not in the mood of it).

I have been trying to formulate my thoughts about Paris, separate from my thoughts about ex-boyfriend, and it’s not easy. I think now that I expressed myself about him, and reached peace and ~clarity, I can access my Paris Paris impressions.

The first time I went to Paris, June 2015, I felt this overwhelming sensation that everything reminded me of my mom. It’s partly because French sounds similar (to my untrained ear) to Hebrew, it’s partly because it was 100 degrees and taking three showers a day is something my mom would do, and it’s partly because of the neighborhood I stayed (the 11th arrondissement) matched my imagination of the Israeli neighborhood my mom grew up in. To be clear, I’ve never been to Israel (except as a baby) and I know very little about my mom’s upbringing. But somehow, everything in Paris just reminded me of my mom in this very intense way.

I wore all blue/green, but inside I was rooting for the Angels. And they won. The game and weather were utter perfection.