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I don’t understand anything  My sadness drowns me Words can’t save me Things feel broken  There is beauty  But sometimes  Things become so Fucked up It’s hard to see the good Disappointment reigns Outdated thought processes reboot You don’t always get to live At some points You merely survive -Nicole Smith, Momoetry

I understand the Hulk Better than I’d like to admit I try to keep my rage Under lock and key Looking at my outward appearance  You underestimate the fury I carry within  The injustice, lies, bullshit I carry it, quietly While it festers  Never hinting at the  Rampage I could release; “That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.” -Nicole Smith, Momoetry

Foolishly, I still let you hurt me The tiniest comment Destroying my self worth Flippiant comments Revert me back To the unlovable person You let me believe I was A dig so casual, no one would notice My worthlessness settles  Into the place it used to reside No matter how much I heal You effortlessly knock me down -Nicole Smith, Momoetry

“I don’t know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely.”-Sylvia Plath I’ve had a pretty good weekend. It’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting outside. The birds are chirping. It’s not too humid yet. The day stretches luxuriously before me. I’ve run some errands, I relaxed, did yoga, we filmed our sunflower update, and I read some of the new book that…

Falling apart Quietly Chaos swirling  Externally and internally A tornado descended Pulling me Every which way Can’t find my bearings Disasters back to back Waiting for the funnel cloud To finally dissipate To catch my breath Assess the damage  Figure out What is left Worth salvaging In the aftermath Will there by enough left To rebuild?  -Nicole Smith, Momoetry

A letter to younger me, You won’t believe it, but today is our 46th birthday. 46! We are old as dirt! I bet it feels impossible to imagine us making it this far, but we do. I never let myself forget how we felt back where you are. I don’t. It was lonely and dark.  I wish I could travel back in time and tell you all the things. The shame was never ours to carry, you are worthy of love simply by…

Therapy is like hitting a boulder with a sledgehammer. Week after week the progress is so miniscule the human eye can barely register the change. I feel it. I feel it in my endurance, my body, my mind, and soul. Little slivers ricochet into the distance. I keep going. Occasionally a chunk slides off, it feels sudden and unexpected. In reality, every whack of the hammer for as long as I’ve been…

I am unraveling.  What words come next, I am not sure Pieces of me unwinding Pooling on the floor “I’m good, still hanging in, Yup, everything is going okay” I long to lay in bed eternally- Just slowly rot away I need to “take it easy” The idea makes me laugh How can I take it easy, watching my house of cards collapse? My anxiety is overwhelming I’m coming undone with each…

I want you to believe it will be okay, It is not always darkness There are pieces of light  Time filled with joy There can be more good days than bad There are therapists, programs, support groups, meds To help silence that inner voice- The one that lies about your worth, Telling you the burden of your existence could be solved Effortlessly, without almost any notice  Your…

Some days I look around me I ignore the chaos, clutter, and pet hair And my heart is full of joy Everyone is home together Cooking out Chilling in the therapy tent Watching the Office or Gravity Falls  (Again) And I’m full of contentment  Danielle is spilling tea Ray is aggravating everyone  Pammy is detailing daycare body fluid trauma And I think, this is mine This is my life We…

My anxiety is running rampant My thoughts stuck in a loop Sobbing over everything and nothing It’s barely half past noon I cannot slow this panic down I’m caught in it’s undertow My brain is trying to fight it My body just goes with the rapid-like flow My stomach is turning Tears pour from my eyes My skin feels too tight Intrusive thoughts try to slip inside There’s a roaring in my…

Late at night the thoughts creep in The darkness allows them trespass My eyes blink open, sleep interrupted My brain awakens, jolted Instantaneously in a panic My body yearns for rest I am trapped, exhausted  As my deepest fears, my insecurities Run amok in my head I lie there miserable A prisoner, in my mind In my bed.  -Nicole Smith, Momoetry

Last month I managed a poem everyday for #NationalPoetryMonth. This month is #MentalHealthAwareness month and I have been MIA. My therapist, after 6 years with her, decided to take a sabbatical, rebrand, and revamp her practice into something new. She also cut me loose. I understand and celebrate her doing new things, yet part of me is heartbroken.  Amy is an amazing therapist. She leads you to…

I’m learning to protect myself from projections Don’t be bitter over my joy I fought and clawed my way out of the dark To have a moment, smiling in the sunlight The warmth on my skin is everything I observe the disdain, your thinly veiled dislike I refuse to shrink, to dull my sparkle I observe without absorbing your negativity I protect myself from projections While popping off nonsense…

I held you in my arms I vowed to keep you safe The fates had other plans They took you from this place My heart is shattered Never to be repaired  How do I keep going With you no longer here? How do I function?  How do I get through the day? I wish we could trade places I’d do anything for you to stay The grief is all consuming  I no longer sleep at night You were my baby…