How it feels watching everyone have someone but you

Kiana Khansmith

if i look back, i am lost

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@mrsnofriends
How it feels watching everyone have someone but you

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My dad made me so insecure about the amount I eat it’s honestly crazy. He used to force feed me things I didn’t like and knew damn well I didn’t like called me slurs when I didn’t yell at me when the amount I ate didn’t look like enough to him and his mom did the same too me she also spanked me for locking a door when using the bathroom when my dad and mom were together I think I was either six or seven? When it happened maybe eight also had a dream of her threatening me or sa’ing me can’t remember clearly. All I know is that my dad’s family is CRAZYYYYYYYYY his girlfriend isn’t much better either.
Also here’s my fav illit song and fav ateez song
Hitting your child is not a way of discipline. It only brings fear and pain into your child your child FEARS YOU because you put your hands on them. You threaten them with beatings and different ways of slapping them just to keep them quiet and in ‘check’ when all you’re doing in enforcing fear into your household and your children.
Life only gets worse as you grow.
whenever I talk or try to comfort them afterwards I always feel like ripping off my skin and hitting myself until I’m bloody I feel so embarrassed about it like I hit myself on the forehead repeatedly ask myself why I did it overthinking it and assuming the reason the person didn’t reply back is that they hate me I’m embarrassing and it didn’t work I only made it worse and now they hate me and won’t talk to me again I’m stupid for thinking my words could comfort someone and I’m silly for thinking I could help I wanna help but I feel like my actions only make me more of an embarrassment and untrustworthy.
I also think the reason why I always say “sorry” and apologize when I did no wrong formed from my father my dad yelled at me got angry at me for being happy having fun or being myself and always took his anger out on me my mom or my late brother one time I saw him slap my brothers glasses off for no reason and he didn’t even apologize. I heard stories from my mom where he called her a “birdbrain” made her feel insecure about herself and cheated on her he was actively cheating on my mama while my brother was in the hospital getting surgeries. When my brother died and my mom left him and divorced him whenever me and my sisters went to his house or were around him or spending the weekend with him he turned that abuse towards me.
One time he choked me on the Christmas we spent together and then DENIED it the weekend we went back. Another time when i chose him as the parent I wanna take on a field trip with me he got mad at me in front of my friends for the amount of food I ate and yelled at me while driving me back home about it. He also force fed me food he fucking KNEW I didn’t like because I’m a picky eater yelled at me for not eating all my food when full (and once did the same to my little sister) and his mother once did the same to me. Ever since then I’ve been really scared at my mother or my other family members yelled at me or being angry at me for not eating all my food thankfully I stopped going to my dads house after that same with my older sister but my little sister still goes. Is it normal to feel insecure about the amount you eat? And it is also normal to constantly feel guilty when you don’t want to do something with someone? Or accidentally lose their things even after they find it?
I feel naive and stupid for thinking I was allowed to love my father and I know it’s not my fault for being a child and easily manipulated by him and associating him with safety. I feel guilt for what my mom went through. And I feel guilt for my brother facing harm from my father until he died I feel guilt for him dying I feel like it’s my fault I try to remind myself that it’s not my fault for his death not my fault he died peacefully not my fault for letting nature do its thing. People die people live we all have to go at one point. But why do I feel like I’m a problem?

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I HAVE NO FRIENDS. BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF SOCIAL INTERACTION NOW THIS LIFE SUCKS FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU IS MY LIFE A JOKE TO GOD?? OH ME FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I saw someone say they always feel like they’re ovulating and you know what? Girl me too.
I have social anxiety ON and OFF line what the fuck is wrong with me?
I’ve gotten so lonely I’ve started talking to MYSELF this shit is RIDICULOUS

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I have no friends online in real life the only human interactions I get are with my mom sisters cousins aunt grandparents uncles and people I randomly meet and never see again I love my family but I get bored when I get so used to voices and faces I see almost everyday I am so lonely.