Mending a Marriage

Porn is always a touchy subject I feel. I think that in my experience in my relationships we always came to a mutual agreement that it was off limits. But then it turns into a secret. We secretly watch porn in privacy away from our partners. I remember the first time I had found out about my ex watching porn behind my back. Mind you we weren’t having sex and I picked up my iPod touch and saw pornhub with a bunch of big booty’d black women bouncing their asses. I was like wow so this is what we are doing. I was livid! 

I just want to tell people about the upside to my relationship. It isn’t ALWAYS bad and there is a reason why I love this man. I love this man deeply and I just wanted to sandwich some random blogs that expressed why I am still here. 

Now I know that most of you may probably think “this woman might be dickmatized”...well you’re wrong. I’m a newly 36 year old woman and lets just say I’ve had my fair share of dicks...if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Dick doesn’t impress me much these days. I’m a capricorn and very much as my sign explains, I love and appreciate the passions of a relationship not as typical as it used to be. See... I appreciate true love, passionate talks, longwinded laughing, catching each other in deep stares. That’s just to name a few things. But you’re waiting for examples of this relationship. Well wait no more!

He pops every bone in his body....not just once...but over and over again. He has this inability to shower because he seems to think the world can’t smell him. His feet....OMG his feet...enough said. He doesn’t brush his teeth everyday. He takes up most of the bed like no one else is in it. He’s a human garbage disposal. He leaves his trash and dishes whee he wants and then complains about others being messy. When he’s watching something intense on TV he taps his foot...the more intense it gets the faster and harder his foot taps. You’re probably thinking OMG why are you with him? Because of all those things...

I love staring at him when he’s focused on something he’s watching. He has such a deep consentration face. I love spooning him and smelling his natural smell...even when he’s not here it feels like he is. I love when he pretends he’s doing something a grazes my ass saying it was an accident. I hate my stomach but he always grabs a handful when he’s holding me. I love how he eats every bite of what I cook and loves everything every time. Hearing all of his laughs: the nervous laugh, the fake laugh, his hard laugh, his chuckle. I love listening to his soap box speeches on black conspiracy theories. He’s so insecure about his intelligence...but to me he has the most brilliant brain. 

Okay okay...I know that’s all mushy stuff! I will say that our physical side is nice. I had to teach him to be slow and take his time. I don’t think he’s found his maturity with his intimacy...hopefully that will come with time.

I met my husband about 7 years ago. I was in a really bad relationship at the time and just had my son. I met him at a club and really we never took things past a cordial public encounter. In Nov 2017, I get a message in my inbox on facebook. It was hard not to recognized who it was...there is no mistaking this man. He’s as yellow as light skinned men come with a missing tooth. That’s one thing I admired about him because he was never ashamed of it. We messaged each other back and forth. Him telling me how he wanted to have a relationship with me, that he always thought I was sexy, all the corny bullshit a man would tell a woman who’s trying to get some. I wasn’t trying to fall for it. I told him that I was just coming out of one bad relationship that I was still repairing from. He insisted on being in a relationship with me. I told him that I’m bad off...that I’m still healing from the pain another man caused. He was persistent for about 5 months. Finally he asked me to go with him on a “date”. Really it was that he bought tickets to a fashion show and he didn't want his money to go to waste. I was a last minute date choice or at least it felt that way. We had a fun night with each other. After our date, I went on with life thinking that I wasn’t going to really see this man again. Here he was again...in my phone messaging me. I had to give him the booty call shpeel...Look bro...it was fun but that’s all this was..I don’t want anything else. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

At the time he was living with his play sister. He was on the verge of moving away from there. He didn’t really have his own space there and plus with every house hold they have problems behind closed doors (that’s a whole ‘nother blog). I didn’t blame him for wanting to leave. Eventually I gave into him and and started to see him more and more. Next thing you know...I had another boyfriend and he was living with me. Everyone speculated that this is too fast. I never think love can be too fast. There have been people who would fall in love at first sight and next think you know they are married for 60 years. I still believe in that kind of love. I really did feel that this could be that kind of love. He called me his chocolate queen and I then wanted to see if we could spend 60+ years together.

My husband and I clicked right away. He’s the opposite of me...I’m such a serious person with a dormant goofy side that only ones I trust see. He brings that out of me with ease. He’s a goofy character straight of a cartoon. He made me laugh so hard one time, I got up the next day and my abs were sore. I remember talking all night long about all the cartoons we loved as children. For the most part, the beginning of our relationship was pleasant. 

April 2018 he asked me to be in a relationship and June 2018 he asked me to marry him. OMG I know what you’re saying...this is too fast. All I knew is that this man, despite my protest to take my guard down, he was able to get me to fall in love with him. After out engagement, his attitude started changing and I started seeing a change in our relationship. We weren’t having sex that much, he’s being very selfish, and he wasn’t treating me well. Some where down the road a opportunity was brought up by him. He told me that if I had any doubts that I could check his phone. He said that he had nothing to hide. I fell for it. I wanted to believe by him making this gesture it meant that he was either telling the truth or bluffing. I couldn’t help but think that he might be bluffing. Usually a change in emotional state and how one expresses himself negatively means that something is wrong in the relationship. I grabbed his phone and headed to the bathroom as soon as he passed out. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, my face flushed from all it’s chocolaty color, my skin was sticky with sweat, and it felt like someone was stabbing me with needles. As I read through his facebook messenger there was messages upon messages.Numerous amounts of women he had been contacting. Most of them didn't respond. He was calling all these women queens, wishing that they are doing well, and trying to be sexual with them. Lots and lots of sexual propositions. One conversation stood out. He found a girl that he worked with on fb and was telling her how good she looked and what he would like to do with her. As much and I wanted to stop reading, I didnt have the strength to turn it off. The icing on the cake...that there were messages to women going all the way back to the beginning of our relationship...including even on the day that he asked me to marry him. 

I went back in the room crying. He woke up asking me what was wrong. I told him that I would talk to him later. He said no...lets talk about it now...you’re upset. I asked him....So you said you have nothing to hide? He just looked at me with this confused face like he know what I was talking about but he was trying to look clueless at the same time. He sat there in silence waiting for me to say the words. I asked if he had anything to come clean about. He said no...what is this about? I pulled his phone out....and said the girls name asking who she was. I told him about how there were so many messages going way back. He had no explanation. He immediately start apologizing. Telling me that he was going to block all the women, that he was gonna fix this, and that this would never happen again.