Mr Pages Frontispiece

You know the guy? Prez? #43? Yeah, you might also know that was the Governor of Texas! What you might not know is that while he was the governor of Texas, he sexually harassed his lieutenant governor. His male lieutenant governor. He talks about this in his memoirs.

(Pictured: “[the lieutenant governor] looked at me and yelled ‘Governor, I am going to fuck you. I am going to make you look like a fool.’ [Bush] thought for a moment, stood up, walked toward [the lieutenant governor] and said ‘If you’re going to fuck me, you better give me a kiss first!’ I playfully hugged him, but he wriggled away and charged out of the room.”)

I reminded my cat that it was pride month and he clawed my arm and I’m pretty sure called me a slur in his cat language. Then he called me a slur in English, which is really impressive because I didn’t know he could speak English. I was very disappointed in him and I would have a strongly worded talk with him about his behavior, except I think he’d injure me again. Anyway Axel says unhappy pride. Yet another beautiful cat with homophobia.

I reminded my cat that it was pride month and he clawed my arm and I’m pretty sure called me a slur in his cat language. Then he called me a slur in English, which is really impressive because I didn’t know he could speak English. I was very disappointed in him and I would have a strongly worded talk with him about his behavior, except I think he’d injure me again. Anyway Axel says unhappy pride. Yet another beautiful cat with homophobia.

You should be. If you aren't, then I recommend googling them or playing Autumn Chen’s truly excellent Social Democracy: An Alternate History, but that isn't actually what this post is about. This post is about their merchandise. You know, for a nominally Socialist party, the SPD sure has a lot of interesting products you can buy from them. Anyone interested in, for example, the SPD Toaster?

[a red toaster with the letters SPD emblazoned in white. There is also bread, assumedly freshly toasted in the SPD toaster, which has also had SPD toasted onto it]

Not a toast kind of person? No problem! Social Democracy can bless your breakfast in other ways, like with the SPD Waffle Iron!

[a red suitcase-style waffle iron, with the letters SPD emblazoned on the top in white, within a thin white border. So too are there waffles, which by virtue of being toasted within the Socialist Waffle Iron have had SPD stamped onto them.]

Oh, you skip breakfast? Me too! I hear it’s unhealthy to do so, but it’s simply too much time to make a nice wholesome first meal. But because I skip breakfast, I need a snack later in the day to make up for it. And what better snack than the Official Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands Fruit Snacks?

[It is a transparent red pack of fruit gummies. The gummies are in the shape of the letters SPD, and are also red]

You are now well on your way to concocting the ultimate SPD meal. But of course, you still need something to drink! And what better drink than brewing up a nice mug of Social Democratic Tea???

Yum yum! If you want to make it as it’s intended, use water from the Landwehr canal. The residual adventurism adds a nice sharp tang! But maybe you prefer a sweeter drink? Well, that‘s just fine! Simply pour in a packet of SPD brand raspberry flavour sparking water powder.

Apologies for the low image quality there. Anyway, their website tells me it makes a pleasant conversation starter! I‘m going to assume that‘s a result of my remarkably flawed German mistranslating something.

Now, let‘s say you’re on a date with someone special. You’ve invited them back to your home, you’ve both dined on SPD Toast and SPD Waffles, had a little dessert of SPD fruit snacks, (which can come in different flavours and have a special variant to order during Pride Month, by the way!) and you’ve brewed up a nice batch of sparkling raspberry SPD Tea, which you’ve served in your Ferdinand Lassalle and Marie Juchacz mugs.

Your Friedrich Ebert mug was in the wash, and your special acquaintance is an old-school Social Democrat, so they didn’t want to drink from the Helmut Schmidt mug. Now, obviously, after such a banquet, they want nothing more than to have sex with you. I know I sure would, and I’m asexual! However, safety is important in these matters. That’s why it’s so wonderful the Old Dame is here to back you up once again, with the Official Social Democratic Party of Germany condoms! Because why wouldn’t they exist?

Just make sure your SPD rubber ducky isn’t watching. Unless you’re into that.

(I refer of course to Mr. Maguire’s depiction) is one of the finest movies ever. It’s genuinely up there in my top 20 movies, because the second act is hilarious. It’s monumentally stupid. There’s a plot where Green Goblin’s son realizes he’s Green Goblin’s son, (which he did at the beginning of the movie, but then he forgets, and then he realizes again) and instead of becoming an evil villain or anything he just becomes a professional ragebaiter. He kidnaps Mary Jane… in order to make her break up with Peter Parker before just letting her go free. He then invites Peter to a coffee shop on Jane Street to tell him (Parker) that he was cuckolding him the entire time they knew each other (a lie, but a very funny one) before ducking under the table to disappear from vision once Peter leaves the coffee shop and looks back in. Now, Peter Parker is so annoyed by this he shows up at Mr. Osborne’s penthouse apartment, breaks 14 units of glass, (I counted, they break something made of glass 14 separate times in that scene) calls him “Little Goblin Junior” and throws a grenade at him before leaving. It’s so bloody funny.