Baron Twentyhooks

It's a shame this isn't a fantasy that's easy to live out. But you know what could easily work? A house full of older men "working from home" using you throughout the day, every day. Would that let you fall asleep with a smile on your face? (Note: you might get woken up a few times to get used more)

Being young and a woman in the BDSM scene is fun.

Sure, you’ve got a flooded inbox of guys wanting to play with you and a seemingly endless fountain of opportunities. Hell, even some guys may want to buy you things! But, before you get to the fun, you really need to make sure you’re safe. It would be kind of embarrassing to be found dead in a ditch with pink fluffy handcuffs on (or worse). Here’s some advice I’d like to give to girls first starting out, possibly looking into their first BDSM relationship.

Don’t settle for the first self-proclaimed Dom to walk into your inbox!

Sure, it’s enticing. But, you really have to examine the person you’re going to give your trust too first. This is the person you’re going to give your control over to (temporarily) and you have to be sure that they’re 1) trustworthy 2) not trying to manipulate you just for sex and 3) a good person. Because at the end of the day, a BDSM dynamic is more of a relationship than just sex.

Someone may come into your inbox, say that they’re compatible with your kinks and want to make your fantasies true, but you have to look at it rationally. Don’t let your hormones take over your decision.

You’re young. You have so much time to find a good dynamic/relationship, don’t rush into it. But also, dip your toes in the water and find out what you like!

Always be on the lookout for the red flags.

If you feel that weird uncertain feeling in your gut, say bye, Felicia!

Here are some common ones.

Young Doms tend to have more red flags as they’re more inexperienced (not always, this is a generalization).

If they don’t ask for your ID before playing with them, that could also be a red flag. As a 19-year-old with babyface, every good Dom I’ve had has asked for it in advance. Consider it a green flag if they do.

If they aren’t concerned about your safety as a young woman, that’s a serious red flag.

Your safety comes before EVERYTHING.

Always make sure to text at least one friend the address of where you’re going to be going beforehand.

Meet up before playing just for a coffee date. If they’re not willing to go on a lil date with you beforehand and just want to play right away, get the hell out of there! Make sure it’s in a public space. Never meet up with someone directly at their house.

Check that they’re STD free and/or use the correct protection.

Always play with a safe word.

Optional: bring pepper spray or a knife with you, just in case.

Talk with them at least a week in advance to playing. If they aren’t willing to put in that effort, drop ‘em.

Make sure they know and respect your limits.

Have a friend call you 30 minutes into your first play-date. If you’re in trouble, pretend that they’re your sibling and you have to go help. (This has helped me before, I was roofied without my knowledge and was uncomfortable with the guy so when my friend called me it was a saving grace. It wasn’t 30 minutes after until I was driving when it kicked in. Yikes.)

And lastly, make sure it’s the right person.

Your first BDSM dynamic is special! Hell, every dynamic is special. Make sure you’re not just looking to get spanked and slapped around by anyone, make sure you have the right Dom.

There are sooooo many girls who have rushed into BDSM that have found themselves in the lap of an abuser. Make sure you’re in the lap of a caring person who also shares your kinks and is willing to do them with you safely!

I probably sound like your mom lecturing you but, as a 19-year-old girl, these are the things I’d wish I would have listened to. And remember, you can always say no. Use it like it’s your goddamn superpower.

Take as much time getting to know a person as you need. If it’s a week, 2 weeks, or a month, with multiple casual meet-ups before you ever play, that’s okay! Never do anything if you feel pressured or uncomfortable, and take things at your own pace.

Taking advice from other kinksters can be tricky, because everyone is different, and has varying levels of comfort/experience. Sometimes being new to the lifestyle, you don’t know who to really listen to. At the end of the day, BDSM is governed by your consent alone. If you don’t like/want something, that is okay. (Anal, being degraded, being slapped, comments about your physical appearance, knife play, dd/lg, pet play, being a 24/7 slave etc.) It doesnt matter what it is, if you don’t like it or don’t want it, you are a valid sub.

You’re not a bad submissive for declining something, or disagreeing with someone. No dom has any control that was not given to them by their sub. Anyone who says otherwise is not someone you want around.

You are the one who gets to define what your BDSM experience will be. Starting out, you may not know what you like or what’s possible, and want to try new things.. thats the best part! But after all is said and done, the only correct decisions are the ones that make you feel happy and safe.