Mr Grey

Normal is defined as conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular. Normality is an idealistic state of living, of existing. Since normality varies from person to person, culture to culture, and decade to decade, any recognized standard will always be whatever practices and lifestyles the current Mainstream society decides amongst the confirmed members of each class, to be 'Normal'. You have to think, one person's morality is different from another, so that would make what you consider normal different from me or even your neighbor's version of normal.

If we view BDSM from the view point of the current world's population, then no it is not considered normal. Think about the sexual practices in the BDSM Lifestyle (Bondage, S&M, Poly, Swinging, etc...). Main stream culture usually follows some type of religious teachings (Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Buddist, etc...) that teach sex is only supposed to be used for procreation. They frown on anything outside their strict religious codes. They consider bondage or flogging abuse. But, people that practice these and other forms of sexual torture within the confines of the BDSM lifestyle, get heightened pleasure and love the bite of the whip on their back or the pinch of clamps on their nipples. Is it normal? For some YES, for others, NO. Again, it depends on your perception of Normality.

Main stream western culture would also consider any type submission (in males or females) weird, or not normal, because most of the population now consider males and females equal in most settings. They ask why would one person want to give over any freedoms, allow anyone else to make any decisions for them, or submit to another person's will. They don't understand the sense of security, need of serving, and feelings of yearning to be dominated and/or owned by another individual. I don't mean in a creepy, stalker, or 1800's kind of way. For most submissives or slaves in the Lifestyle, they will tell you that they find more freedom and happiness in being owned, being given rules and regulations, having to follow certain standards and guidelines, than they do in typical or 'vanilla' relationships.

I consider a BDSM Lifestyle normal, because I chose to practice this type of Lifestyle with confidence. I have a very deep sense of love and protection all the time and that gives me a happiness that is almost indescribable which i share with my partner.

So, IS BDSM NORMAL?

Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even necessarily being aware of it. They may think of S&M as "That sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff" yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream. All of these things are BDSM.

BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism. It can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover's body also qualifies as BDSM, specifically, of a variety called sensation play.

BDSM is NOT abuse. An abuser doesn't take the time to learn safe play and an abuser certainly doesn't respect limits. Not taking NO for an answer, not honoring a safe word, or taking advantage of the unequal power relationship that exists between Dom and sub, are forms of abuse. While these relationships do not fit into the traditional mold, they are between consenting adults. If one person withdraws their consent, it could become abuse, but that can also happen in a vanilla relationship as well.

To gauge how a scene is going, those in the community may use safewords to check in with each other.

“GREEN” means that everything is going well, so whatever activity is going on can continue or get more intense.

“YELLOW” means to slow down or take a break.

“RED” means stop immediately.

Human sexuality is a loaded topic for many people. Parents have a difficult time discussing it with their children, health education rarely covers sexually related topics (aside from the most cursory review of the reproductive system), and adults in relationships often find the subject of their own sexuality challenging to discuss and share with their partners. Although we live in a sex-saturated media culture, human sexuality is still relegated to whispered, private, and often shame-filled discussions instead of an open interactive dialogue. Even between a therapist and a patient, in the confidential confines of the therapy hour, sex is still a taboo subject, one that often elicits anxiety in both patient and therapist.

Sex is clearly a necessary biological function for the perpetuation of the species, but it is also an act of pleasure, a means of expressing passion, desire, creativity, bonding, and connection, with or without the goal of reproduction, orgasm, or even penetration. Sex requires a certain level of experience and skill in order for it to feel good.

Remember, “Clumsy Sex Is NOT A Hot Sex”.

Contrary to what most people may believe, BDSM is far from being a modern sex fad. BDSM has been practiced for centuries though the acronym was first used between the 50’s and the 60’s (20th century).

B stands for BONDAGE which refers to the use of restraints in order to heighten sexual pleasure.

D stands for DISCIPLINE, which refers to the use of punishment and reward in order to control sexual behavior.

D&S stands for DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION which is commonly perceived as power play. D&S relationships need not necessarily be physical. In fact, there are a lot of Dom-Sub relationships online. Furthermore, Dom-Sub relationships aren’t all that black and white. Couples may choose to switch roles from time to time. Meanwhile, some individuals have a tendency to develop a taste for the opposite role throughout the course of time.

S&M means SADISM and MASOCHISM which is usually where some people get their impression of BDSM. But as you are discovering now, there is more to BDSM than just whips and chains.

They know they deserve to have pleasure in ways that work for them.