Realizing nothing can fill my void other than doing everything I said I would do for myself

instead of here, i think i’d like to be lying in an old orchard in tuscany in 1998, listening to opera on my cd player while the disappearing sun gilds the landscape

or listening to bach's cello suite no. 1 in g major on a beach in a monsoon but it's the 197o's

can't believe the only options are 30 minutes early or 10 minutes late. if only there were some other way. but what can you do

i wish there was more social existence you could participate in laying down. I wish there were cafes that were two little futon beds parallel to each other with a low table in between so you could eat and drink while lounging. I wish there were group activities like painting or glazing clay or theaters that were designed to have beds and bed-height tables instead of chairs. I wish there were beds alongside benches outside for anyone to use. I wish air mattresses or roll-out beds were as common as cheap shitty chairs at things like barbeques, beaches, and concerts. so much life would open up to me and be enjoyable if I could lay down instead of sitting or standing for prolonged periods and completely wearing myself down with pain.

sunday evening dont trust yourself hold the line