Trying and failing to move on

Why did I let you back into my life when all you do is mess with my feelings

You were the sun to my moon and the sunshine when it rained. What happened?

God I miss you so much

You have no idea how hard I'm trying to hide the fact that I love you

Today we talked and... God it felt like old times. Before everything went to shit.

It hurts a little less to see you. It still hurts, but now, I don't feel like crying. I feel all that love I felt for you before all of this happened.

You know what? You had your time to be angry with me, annoyed with me. Now it's my turn so listen up. You put me through hell. I fell hard for you. I treated you the best I could and you still "weren't feeling it". That's okay though. People fall out of love, there's nothing you can do about it. But why can't you just tell me that "oh. See, I just wanted this cute, perfect girlfriend who ain't broken in any way" why can't you just tell me that you got to meet the monster that i fucking am, and tell me that you didn't fine me appealing after you did. There's a difference between actually loving someone, and the honey moon phase luv! So maybe you didn't actually love me. Maybe you were just infatuated with the person I was and not the person I am.

I've fallen apart without you

You never loved me. You were infatuated with me. When you thought that I was this... perfect person with no flaws. You saw this person who was cute and could sing well and was forgiving and kind. You didn't see the flaws. You didn't see the selfishness, anger, manipulative person I am. Once you did, you left. Loving someone is wanting the best for the other person, wanting the person to be happy, even if it means that you have to go out of your way to do that. And fuck. That's how I feel. I want you to be happy. Even if I'm not the thing that makes you happy. I want you to live your life to the fullest and go to korea and have seven cat babies. I'm probably not making sense, and this is probably the last straw. You're probably never gonna talk to me again

(My best friend) still had feelings for me while I was dating you. She was right fucking there. God damn, I could have been with her. I fucking.. let her slip through my damn fingers because I loved you. I loved you more than I love breathing. She was right there and I lost the chance to be with her because I was so in love with you. And I regret it. God I regret meeting you and being with you, because I could have chosen someone who is a great friend, who is sweet and kind and wouldn't ever act like I don't exist. She would never treat me the way you are now. But guess what. She has a fucking boyfriend now. She doesn't love me anymore. Thanks. Thank you from keeping me from someone who might have actually loved me the entire time we'd be together.

"Get over it" they say. "You'll feel better eventually" God damn. If only they knew how badly it hurts. If only you knew how much I hurt. I lay awake at night wondering if you have a hard time sleeping too. I know the thought of me doesn't even cross your mind once. I know you've forgotten about me. About what I was to you. I mean, you got bored of me. You fell out of love with me because of my flaws. You realized that I wasn't good enough and you didn't see a future with someone like me. Sometimes I wonder if you think back to when we were together and I wonder if you think back to the last time you said "I love you" and actually fucking meant it. You know I do wanna know how many times you said I love you, but were lying to me.

I miss you. God damn I miss you so much. I miss your stupid cute laugh and your stupid cute smile and your stupid cute eyes. I miss how happy you seemed whenever you talked about something you loved. I miss being able to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you. You don't miss me. Hell, you don't even love me. After the honeymoon phase, you just got bored of me and now you treat me like another stranger you pass in the halls. Do you have any idea how badly that hurts? But you know what. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy. And if you ain't happy with me then that's okay. I'll just watch from a far and wish that I had never even laid eyes on you.

Sometimes I wish you would just tell me something to make me hate you. I wish that you could say something, and I would automatically stop loving you and missing you. Fuck. Even after you said that you don’t love me anymore I still.. have feelings for you. Even after you treat me like I don’t even exist. Even after I wake up from dreams with you in them, breaking my heart, I still have feelings for you. And it’s bullshit. Tell me right now that you hate my guts and that you want me to leave you alone. Tell me right now that you hate the sound of my voice and you hate how I text you first, in a desperate attempt to get you to talk to me again. Tell me that I’m trying to hard and that I’m annoying. Tell me something so I can hate you more than I love you.