Dove

why you would wear skirts so often

but of course I wouldn't have

I never tried

I'm wearing yours now

I love how soft they are

I want to wear them every day

I know what you mean now

when you called them pajamas

it's the most liberating and comfortable feeling

big shirt and skirt

I've never felt this free

and now when I walk outside

the wind rushes to greet me like an old friend

and waltzes with our clothes

in a coordinated yet free flowing manner

and while they dance around me

I breeze effortlessly along

completely captivated by how apparent it is

that I play a part in the world I live in

the very cloth on my skin

taking part in something larger than me

an invisible ballet prancing through the trees and streets

grabbing our skirt and giving it a twirl

before passing it back to me with a cheeky wink

I love your skirts

I get it now I really do

and to know you wore them first

makes them feel even softer

I wish we lived in a world

where I reached this revelation sooner

without me having your skirts

I found skirts of my own

and we walk down a coastal windy hill somewhere

a hill covered in wildflowers

that swing along

to the movement of

our long soft flowy skirts

caught up in an irresistible tango with the wind

and if we happened to live

in an extremely lucky world

we'd be older than you'll ever be

and on our way to a picnic

with fresh berries

cheeses

and crackers

mushroom tea

and you'd say that famous line of yours

"I'm so happy I feel like a dog that's about to be put down"

and I'd be that happy too

because I'd have skirts

to turn it into something sharp and pointed

for you to run yourself into

should you come back unfaithful

and that wasn't fair

so when you returned I had to quickly flip the stake

let you grasp onto the handle

while I hid its pointed shaft in my stomach

pained by my own lack of trust

and your goodness

I should've known

that we were made from the same kind of pine

that we both saw the moon and anchored ourselves to it

that you wrote to me every night

and missed me as I missed you

I should've known that we were special

that you felt for me

and hoped just as much as I hoped for you

I'll swallow my sword

let the heat of my shame melt it back into bluntness

When we met I was scared of everything. My feelings, honesty, fking taking the pizza out of the oven. I was scared to lose you and I was scared of having you. You were afraid of everything too. Getting shots, being honest, liking me, covid. We were so scared. But we were there for each other. I don't think either of us could have been honest back then. We didn't know how. But I felt safe with you. I wasn't safe with myself but I was with you. We had something unconditional. It was exactly what I needed. It showed me what I could have. I hope it did the same for you. I still worry about you. I still hope you're alright. So much reminds me of you. I love so many things because you loved them first. And I say so many things because you said them. Hey thanks hey me too I barely even know her!! I love your little language. and how genuinely excited you get about so much. And how you care so deeply and are so globally conscious. It's a heavy burden you insist on bearing. You're so strong and regimented and bold. And you do it all as if there's no other way you'd ever do it. Uniquely your way. And your way is a way of intense joy and appreciation. I admire it so much. And how committed you were to a healthy life. I was supposed to go to Colorado with you. Will I ever get to? I'd do it in an instant. You always will mean something to me, even if it isn't what you wanted. I'm just so glad to have had you in my life.

too precious to not been saved

and there's a poem in there

a really good one

one that says the best things in life are meant to be

devoured not savored

and that the cruelest thing you can do

and a million dreams

a handful of stars

and a mississippi moon

that night we had a warm fire too

and I had enough bravery

and you enough compassion

for me to show you some of my wounds

and that night I had your arms around me

and you had my head against your chest

and we had just enough warmth for one of us

and I was lucky enough for it to be me

for a night we had an island

a sleeping dog at our feet

and a dream of a life we could share

a life with dogman and a van and each other

especially each other

and in a lot of ways,

and no, it's not because of the plants you left me to care for

or the way I've had to tend to my yearning heart

more carefully than a delicate flower bed

nor is it because I've been plucking and pruning

every part of my life that doesn't serve me

and carefully growing every part that does

or that I've watered each seedling of joy you've planted

with as much care as I can

it's none of those things

it's that silly copper ring you mailed me

wrapped around my thumb in the humid heat

contemplating teeth and porcelain bones

wishing I owned no one

and fighting worms off the sidewalk

these days all I seem to do is walk but not wander

wonder what the fuck that crow has against me

will away the urge to smoke every time lightning strikes

and the rain rolls in

these days my mind

never shuts up

and my throat is tight and my chest is too

and it's heavy

constantly heavy

and doomed

and I struggle to see anything but the ground

and broken bugs

wondering what snail I smashed on the walk before

these days are not so simple

they are strange and they are unpleasant

these days I lost what I thought only a moment before

these days my mind tugs behind my body,

anyways, I've been getting rlly good at protecting myself. I got freaked out last night bc gwen was drinking more than I've ever seen and I was able to be so direct ab it that she apologized and stopped and we had a safe and good convo ab it.

and also, zach told me they don't actually know how Kat died. I would def tell them, but they had shitty cell phone service. I told them I would tell them, but not when there was such a risk for the call to drop during that conversation. They completely understood, and the call dropped 5 min later, when we def would have still been talking about it. It made me proud of myself, bc it would have been distressing to lose the connection while being that vulnerable.

like naming a star

so I'll treasure every pixel of you

until you return

accepting that you'll only exist

in grainy videos

singing, dancing, and laughing

a light as small as a star

but just as bright and unwavering

a source of hope

and a sense of direction

I know I'll end up at home