Mountains Made Her

(Not actually but just let me have it okay)

About a week ago I booked a 10 foot truck with UHaul for today. My Dad was going to pick it up and drive down to help me move all my stuff back up. This morning when he arrived at the rental location he realized his license was expired. So my brother had to pick him up and take him to get it renewed. Since I had reserved the truck for the whole day they said it would be available for him when he returned. Surprise, surprise... 1.5 hours later when he did go back it was not there. And apparently there were no larger trucks anywhere in the city. Like I know it’s the same 1st of the month and lots of people are moving, but I’ve booked trucks super last minute on days like today so I don’t buy that. His only option was to take a small van. Here’s to hoping a queen size bed, box spring, couch, rug, dining table, coffee table, bed side tables, and kitchen appliances fit. I’m pretty sure they won’t... which means I’m going to have to drive another 6 hours round trip again tomorrow to get the rest of my stuff. That is as long as the woman who is taking over my lease lets me leave some boxes here over night.

I’m so frustrated!!! I just spent almost 2 hours on the phone with customer service to see if there’s anything I can do about this since my original booking was not fulfilled. Before I was actually able to speak with anyone I was transferred like 4 times and hung up on twice. Right now it seems like the only option is to put in a formal complaint once we drop the van back off. Uggghhh.

I know this is super privileged first world white girl problems. I know. But fuck me I’m so pissed off!! I know part of it is that my dad messed up with his license but if you say you’re going to hold a reservation then hold the god damn reservation!!

It just made me sad. 

Not because I still hold hope or space for him anymore. I am completely over him and at peace with what our relationship was. But I loved him. He was my first love. So of course it still makes me a little sad. Everything about him and our relationship was so monumental and meaningful to me. I’ve moved on but of course it’s still a part of my heart. I don’t miss him acutely, but I do miss him the same way you miss a childhood friend you drifted apart from. With a small smile and air of bittersweet nostalgia. 

He truly doesn’t cross my mind much anymore. Aside from the normal way that people who were once in your life do. But last week sometime I was driving and I just got hit by this huge wave of feelings. All of a sudden I could picture how he used to look at me with adoration. How we’d be talking sometimes and then just catch each others eyes and the hugest grins would spread across both our faces. I remembered how safe I felt with him and how calm he made me feel. 

Then again I also remember how instantly he appeared to get over me. As soon as we broke up he was lighter and happier. We were so good and then suddenly nothing. That hurt. 

Our love was brief. Our little love felt like it came and went too quickly. It was never going to last though, I always new that. 

I’m ready for that again, universe. I’m ready for a bigger love. I’m ready for a partner. 

How do I change this pattern of thinking?

I’ve noticed this about myself for a long time, however, the older I get the more obvious it becomes. Partially because I’ve moved a lot in the last five years and met a lot of different kinds of people. That has opened my mind and at the same time I think it’s made my quicker to judge in some respects. Take my boss for example: he is definitely not a great manager or supervisor in my opinion. He expects way too much overtime for no pay out which is against labour board rules. There’s a lot more but it’s not worth getting into on here. My point is that I’ve kind of just thought of him as an asshole, but since I gave him my notice he has been nothing but kind and accommodating. Especially considering that I’m leaving early and not even filling out my two weeks notice. That is an agreement that we made, but he has been very respectful and gracious this past week and I didn’t expect that from him. I had just put him in the asshole box and not given it a second thought. And that’s ridiculous because I know he coaches his son‘s soccer and baseball teams and he works extremely hard. He is a good guy in many respects. I just do not like his management style.

Fuuuuuuck

I just wanted to quit before the big boss lady came today

If he doesn’t come in soon I’m gonna have to wait until later in the day when she’s gone and sit through the whole meeting pretending like I’m still invested in this company and then I’ll look like a major asshole for waiting until after

But it would be more of a dick move to quit 10 minutes before his boss arrived soooo

Please just get to the office soon so we can all get this mess over with

Make the whole office change field work plans so you can be in the office one day for a “medical appointment.” Said appointment is actually a drug test required for the new job. While a colleague woke up at 4am to cover for me today, I left work early to pee in a cup. (I’m a jerk.)

Your boss is super accommodating of your shitty last minute appointment so you apologize for the difficulties multiple times and begin to feel super guilty about quitting soon.

Find out that the division manager from Calgary will be holding a meeting in our office the morning you plan to quit. Sounds like a great first day to meet her. 

I generally agree with you that our culture standardizes larger amounts of food than is usually necessary. And yes, sometimes I do eat larger portions than I require. I also agree that aside from the basic tenets of eat green vegetables, fruit, lean protein etc… nutrition and the proportions of macros that one eats can be highly individual. 

My point with my parents always having an opinion about what I eat is more tied to the psychological realm of food and eating. I have struggled my entire life with food and being overweight and I FINALLY feel like I’m getting to a place of more peace and less anxiety. Food is just food. It fuels our bodies and it’s something to be mindful of, but at least for me, placing so much importance on it at this point in time is harmful. Creating feelings of shame and guilt around food only serves to perpetuate the binge/diet cycle that I’m trying to break. Eating ice cream doesn’t make me a bad person any more than eating a salad would make me a saint. Food is just food, not a measure of my worth. My issue is that what I choose to eat is my decision and mine alone and I hate being made to feel guilty about those choices on a regular basis. I know my Mom means it from a place of love, however, I have explained my boundaries on this topic hundreds of times and it’s rarely respected. 

He seems cool and I’m going with a pretty big group of people so I said sure. Why not I’m always looking for more hiking buddies. I’m actually really hoping to connect with more people and make more hiking friends via Insta this summer because the Alberta/Canadian Rockies hiking community is pretty poppin.

As Alanna just told me, my life is truly a sitcom.