Panem et Circenses

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We could give it a minute But what's the fun in a minute? When we could push all the limits

Both hands wanna hold ya So, baby, what's the hold up?

Can you feel the tension rising? Now you're, now you're getting in close Almost love, it's almost love Speed this up 'cause I'm excited No more, no more taking it slow Almost love, it's almost love

Almost love, but it could be love

I want you like a kiss that's long and overdue I need you more than I have ever needed you

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It took four months for Jason to touch down in London. Two of those were spent back in Iraq, in grilling interviews with what felt like a revolving door of people. Same questions, same answers. Jason told it so many times it didn’t seem real. It felt like a fever dream.

He never lost sight of Salim but Jason second kept guessing himself. Did he really want to meet? Was that a figment of Jason’s imagination? It’s the only thing that kept him going - whatever it was.

After signing God knows how many NDAs and being given constant orders of who can know what, under which circumstances, they were all sent back to Quantico. Same plane.

The flight was gruelling. Jason normally could sleep fine on a plane but not this time. Not even when he tried curling up into a position he’d deem more comfortable. The only reason he pretended to be asleep was so he didn’t have to talk to anyone. He thought it was a mercy that all five of them were dotted around the cabin and not near each other. Hours stuck trying to process that as a group might drive Jason to literal insanity.

When they landed no one felt much like interacting with each other. Jason was glad - because his only thought was getting home and booking that flight. They’ve surely exhausted all they can say about the experience? Apparently not. As they have 3 more weeks of tough questions, to which they can only give the same answers.

Before they were all finally allowed on leave. Told they would be monitored. And that it was in their best interest to stay in the country. Jason wasn’t sure if that was bullshit or not, but the second he arrived back home he was online booking the flight. One whole month in London. Left in two weeks. Expensive, non-refundable.  Impulsive.

What could those assholes do? Stop him at the border? He’d take that chance.

Over the next two weeks Jason found himself glad he didn’t sit on it. Every time he thought about London, he panicked. But he wasn't going to waste that money. Didn’t stop the fact that the thought of getting on that plane scared him.

If he had the option, he would have backed out.

Too many thoughts had been allowed to chase around his head. None of them good.

‘How could he possibly have meant what you think he did?’

‘He probably means as friends.’

‘You’re not good enough for him.’

‘How could he love you?’

Jason thought he’d heard all that somewhere before… in a not too distant past he’d rather forget…

*** Jason took three days to pack his bag. Feeling in such a state of delirium the whole time, he had to repack at least twice to make sure he had absolutely everything he needed. Trying to remember that it didn’t exactly matter if not; he was still going to be in civilization.

When the day finally arrived to take the flight, he wasn’t sure if anyone was tailing him or not. But Jason counted how many seconds the boarder control took to check his passport. Not nearly long enough for him to be flagged and he got through without issue. ‘Yeah, fuck you guys.’ He thought to himself with a small smile – and they didn’t delay him getting on the plane either. But boarder control wasn’t the hard part. The hard part would come when he touched down in 7 hours.

The flight was somehow easier. He’d been plagued by weird dreams the past few months – who wouldn’t be after what they all saw. But Salim was always there. And Salim always got him through it – Salim was why they didn’t feel so much like nightmares to Jason.

But Jason was worried, worried that he wasn’t getting the way Salim looked right… or the way he sounded right. It just made Jason more scared that he was forgetting him.

Would Salim have been forgetting Jason too? What if he forgot the promise? What if… even when Jason got there… Salim wasn’t waiting for him at the British Museum.

What if he’d be spending a month in London for no reason at all?

They were all questions he kept asking himself and nothing could drown them out. Jason supposed that no matter what, he was going to have to face the answer…

*** Despite his resolve, and his desperation for answers telling Jason that he needed to get on with this, (After all, if he was waiting, Salim had been waiting four months for him already. How long was he going to keep that up realistically?), Jason didn’t leave his hotel room for two days after he landed.

He could blame it on the jet lag, the butterflies, the fact he can barely sleep, but in reality he was just trying to fight all the thoughts in his head. To finally gather the strength within himself to make it out of the room and to the museum. Jason was prepared for this, he’d researched his journey carefully – the underground station he’d need, and the walking route. But instead he was lying in his hotel bed staring at the ceiling and thinking the same things over and over.

What if Salim forgot? Or changed his mind? What if whatever feelings he had simply fizzled out: all they were was a part of the situation they had been thrown into? Or if he simply wasn’t there? What if he’d given up on Jason a long time ago?

Jason had been thinking about this man every day for the past four months but there was no guarantee that would be reciprocated.

Jason found himself – and not for the first time – caught between two warring notions: The need for answers, to know where he stood, to know if there was a chance to be something more with this man. And being scared of the answers he was seeking not being what he wanted – that in the end, Salim would be just like everyone else.

What if this whole damn trip was for nothing?

Trouble was, Jason also knew there would be only one way to find out; and it wasn’t lying here.

*** The following morning Jason set his alarm early; Salim had said 9am, so Jason had to make sure he was there on time. Not one minute later. He was four Underground stops away, and from maps he’d looked at the walk wasn’t long. Jason guessed maybe 30 minutes all around for him to get there; shorter if he walked fast. But he wouldn’t bet on himself doing that.

He left the hotel at 8am.

Four stops almost seemed trivial. But his hands were shaking the whole time he was buying a ticket and on the escalator ride down to the platforms. ‘Pull yourself together dammit, you’ve been through worse where you didn’t even break a sweat. You’ve been through worse with this man!’ What was it about Salim that made him feel like this? It wasn’t that Jason couldn’t put his finger on a million reasons that floated to the top of his mind, but, Jason had never had a crush – or partner – that got him this bad. For him, that just made the situation worse. He studied the maps for both platforms as if he had no idea where he was going, and at least two trains going the right direction departed before he took the right entrance. 3 minutes; not a lot of time to wait but a hell of a long time to overthink. Jason was trying not to get ahead of himself – asking ‘what will I even say?’ was replaced in his head with ‘am I sure I’m taking the right route?’ … Jason focus!

When the train arrived, he thought about standing but decided with the way his body was still shaking, sitting would be the safer option. Jason clasped his hands together to try to aid that, but the bounce of his leg had his whole body vibrating anyway. He kept his head down, glad of his cap to shield his face. Jason felt like his heart was going a million miles an hour – funny, he thought only drugs would have been able to help him achieve that – and despite the fact he knew none of the other passengers had any interest in him, Jason felt like he was a spotlight centre of attention.

Before he knew it the train pulled into Holborn station. Jason lifted his head at the announcement, looking towards the doors as they opened. ‘Alight here for the British Museum.’ He had every intention of getting off. He had every intention of standing and walking out of there and completing the short walk he’d studied every inch of on the map for the past two weeks. But his legs wouldn’t move. With the way he was feeling Jason couldn’t physically bring himself to alight the train. Somehow in the fight or flight battle going on between his head and his heart, freeze had won. And he couldn’t stop it. The train answered with a series of warning beeps - this is your last chance… if you’re moving, do it now! Jason watched the doors close almost in horror. He couldn’t do it. He’d got all the way to London and he couldn’t even get off the damn train.

As it pulled out of the station all his anxiety melted away, and Jason forced himself to think more positively about it. This was one step better than the past two days where he couldn’t even leave his room. He’d get there. He would try again tomorrow.

He looked at his watch, yeah, tomorrow would be good.

Jason alighted at the next station and crossed the platform to get the train back to his hotel. Despite the fact it would take him back past Holborn station, he didn’t even bother trying. He realistically still could have made it for 9am. If Salim was there at all he wouldn’t have been leaving at 9:01. But Jason clearly still needed time. And he was okay with reasoning that to himself.

He’d been too nervous to eat before he left, so once he arrived back to his hotel Jason ate before deciding that it was no good sitting inside his room all day again. Jason had purposefully booked a hotel in the touristy part of London after all. Why not do some exploring? A walk in the fresh air would do him some good, and Hyde Park was right around the corner. By the end of the day Jason found himself in a pub two beers in, and he felt much, much better. He’d try again tomorrow…

*** Jason didn’t make any change to his morning routine the following day, he got up early, showered, dressed and was out the door by 8am. He at least felt a little less nervous this morning, though he definitely still didn’t have an appetite.

He opted to sit once more on the train and did a lot better with calming himself down in the four stops to Holborn. No shakes. And Jason found he could stand before the train even came to a stop in the station. So far so good.

Once outside he knew exactly where he was going; Jason had a map in his pocket as back up, but he was determined not to use it. Straight up, left, straight, right, straight up, left again and by that point he should be skirting the edge of the museum anyway and he’d only have to find the entrance. Jason walked with his hands in his pockets. He still had half an hour to complete a walk he assumed would take him 15 minutes if he kept walking slow. He was still trying to decide what to say. ‘Hi’ seemed too simple to start off a conversation with a man who four months ago changed his whole world.

Was there even a way to begin this conversation appropriately? Maybe he’d just have to leave it to Salim and hope the Iraqi wasn’t facing similar issues.

This nonsensical chatter was wending its way around Jason’s brain, but it was keeping him preoccupied. Just up head he spotted trees; the splashes of green and leaves over hanging the sidewalk really looked a little out of place against the sprawling city backdrop. He walked a little slower, looking up at them – this little haven of greenery really shouldn’t have meant much when he’d spent the previous afternoon in a much bigger one, but Jason was glad to see it. It meant he was going in the right direction, after all.

He swung himself around the corner, got a few more steps and-- Immediately his hand flew out to catch the black railing to steady himself, doubled over. It was like everything suddenly came crashing back down on him at once. And Jason felt as if he was going to be physically sick. He bent lower as his body heaved. Jesus… Of all the things to happen now! Crouching he still clung onto the railing; making himself smaller. His body now shaking for different reasons, head hung more in embarrassment than anything else. His stomach fizzed – but he knew it was nerves making him feel like this again. Fuck-! Was he just destined to never actually get to Salim? What if something like this happened every single day for the next month?!

Tears smarted at the edge of his eyes, but Jason wiped them away quickly. No, that was stupid.

It took him a few attempts to stagger back to his feet, and he carefully made his way to a bench in the park, before collapsing on it. Jason placed his hands on his stomach, taking slow deep breaths against his erratic heartbeat. It’s okay, you’re okay.

He waited for the nauseous feeling to fade, but every time he thought about getting up his body gave a violent shake and it set in deeper.

By the time Jason did feel well enough to move, he checked his watch. It was a little past 10am.

Fuck!

***  For his third attempt Jason did things a little differently. If he didn’t have time to think about anything for very long, then maybe his thoughts wouldn’t catch up with him until he was already at the museum. He was running on the last minute, or as close as he could bring himself – Jason was a Marine after all, being late was never an option. Salim had done enough waiting.

He made it to the front of the museum at 8:55am. Jason had practically run the first few streets but he’d slowed himself down the second the museum was in view. It was much bigger than he expected – Jason surmised you could spend a full day in here and still not see everything. No wonder Salim had decided on a time so early in the morning to meet. Jason followed the general crowd around to the iron gates and into the massive courtyard in front of the steps to the museum entrance. Salim had said to meet him at ‘the door’, but hadn’t specified inside or outside. Jason kept walking forward, much more curious about the building than the people swarming around him. It was already so busy. Jason dragged his eyes away from the architecture and sculptures to the crowds. Tourists like him, people in large groups that looked like educational tours, and those just meeting their friends. But several lone people crossed his path too. Jason stood in one spot and slowly turned in a full circle, eyes flicking from one face to another. He willed his heart – which had started to race again – to slow down, but it wasn’t listening. Jason was starting to feel jumpy as he looked from one direction to the other. What if he was remembering Salim’s face wrong? Even if he found him; was it going to be casual? Would it going to be awkward? What would Jason even say!? Would he end up spilling every feeling he had immediately? He finished his full rotation with no luck. Hands on his hips he tipped his head, searching the faces of the small groups scattered on the museum steps.

Jason caught the eye of the person he was looking for before he even realised it. There was a split second where neither of them even saw the other, despite the fact they were staring at each other.

Salim was standing at the bottom of the steps with a direct eyeline to the gate, and Jason wondered if he’d been watching him from the moment he walked in. He was wearing dark jeans, a shirt over a shirt – dark green over black, with the sleeves rolled up over his forearms. He looked good.

Jason couldn’t make himself move. His reactions had set him to freeze again. He tried to take deep breaths, but they came out as short, sharp shakes.

If Salim was reacting anywhere near the same way he wasn’t showing it. As calm and collected as ever; he stared back at Jason – dressed in jeans and a blue shirt relatively the same colour as when they’d first met, his cap was different; navy blue with white text ‘USMC’ emblazoned on the front. Some things are never going to change… Salim’s face softened and he smiled.

That was all Jason needed; he just ran. And it was almost like there was no one else around. It was almost like no time had passed at all. They'd only known each other for a few hours back in Iraq, but... Jason hadn't felt joy like this before. He wanted this feeling all the time; he wanted it to feel like home.

Jason couldn’t help it; his arms flew out. He couldn’t think of a better expression, he couldn’t think of words, he just needed this man.

Salim didn’t protest. He caught Jason’s hug and didn’t even move an inch. For a moment there was nothing, and then Jason felt two arms wrap around him too. Jason couldn’t imagine what he looked like - he hid his face in Salim’s shoulder – there was a part of him that didn’t want to, a small voice in his head he’d tried so hard to change over the past few months. This time he could push it back where it came from.

“Sa-lim-!” Jason wasn’t even sure what the sound he made was. It was like every emotion ever just came rushing to the surface to make a word. It was high-pitched elation mixed with choked crying. And relief. He’s so happy Salim’s here.

Salim chuckled, and it vibrated through Jason’s body. It was summer sure, but that’s not what was making Jason so warm. “Hey, Habibi.” Salim decided to make a joke, “I was wondering how long you were going to make me wait.”

Jason mumbled into Salim’s shoulder, eyes closed, he never wanted to let go. It was a little hard to hear when his accent was mixing with his emotions, but Salim is focused entirely on Jason. “ ‘m sorry… I got scared you wouldn’t be waiting.” Salim was amused at the younger man’s confession, but he didn’t laugh. He held Jason securer, his voice lowering, and his tone was reassuring when he spoke. “Jason, I’m 40. I can’t afford to mess around and play games with my heart anymore. Of course I was waiting.” Jason felt stupid, and when he responded again his voice was slight choked. “ ’m sorry.” One of Salim’s hands found the back of Jason’s head, and in response Jason tightened his grip, “You don’t need to be sorry. I know what your head is telling you. I know you, Jason.” Jason knew how true that was, because he couldn’t even reply. Not with words anyway; more of an affirming groan.

As long as Jason’s arms remain around him, Salim held him there. He’d do this for as long as Jason needed it.

In honesty Salim would have waited much longer than he already had done. He’d been living over here with Zain anyway, getting him settled at University. He didn’t have any intention of going back to Iraq soon. Not when everything he had was in London now. Salim was fairly confident that Jason would have arrived eventually. He wasn’t going to give up until he was sure that Jason wouldn’t show.

Salim didn’t let go of him, he waited until Jason had enough himself, and untangled his body from Salim’s arms. They stood in silence for a while like that. He knew silence was what Jason needed right now. Always better to let Jason come to you. And Jason would; he’d done it before. Once Jason was standing straight again, he took a deep breath, eyes not really meeting Salim’s still – and he continued to feel hot - “It’s good to see you again.” “Likewise, Jason. You doing okay?” “I…” Jason wasn’t sure how to answer – he could pile on irrelevant information on how he was doing in general, how he’d felt since he set foot in England, and the trials to get to this very moment. Instead he hesitated, laughed, and this time his eyes did meet Salim’s; bright. “I’m doing a helluva lot better now.” Salim grinned back, “I understand that. I guess me too.” He nodded behind him, “Do you want to check out the museum? I saw you studying it.” Jason looked back up at the structure, “Yeah, I guess that’s why we’re here.” “Well, we don’t-” “No, no I want to.” Jason insisted. Salim’s smile only grew wider, “Okay, let’s go.”

They walked up the steps together; they weren’t holding hands but they might as well have been with how close they were. Jason’s skin brushed against Salim’s and the Iraqi couldn’t help but remember being back down in the alien vessel: ‘We can’t lose sight of each other’ ‘I ain’t going nowhere.’ He wondered if the same thoughts were going through Jason’s head. Probably.

“So,” Jason began, “How’s Zain doing?” Salim very nearly tripped up a step; Jason asking about his son unprompted was very unexpected. “He’s…” Salim could already feel pride swell in his chest, “He’s settling here well. Class hasn’t started, but he’s been exploring university grounds and they’ve set up some activities for the students to meet each other, so he’s been doing that a lot. We’ve done a few things together. He really loves it here.” Jason watched his face, nodding along, “Do you think you’ll stay?” Salim gave a shrug, “I… want to go back eventually. I’m… a bit homesick. But, with Zain here, it might be more of a case of living between the two.” Fleetingly Jason wondered if he could settle here too, but the moment came and went before he could think too much on it; he wanted to keep the conversation going. To not overthink, for once. “And how are you doin’ otherwise?” “About as well as one could expect to be after an experience like that. But, I’m happy you’re here with me now, too.” Jason tipped his head in a motion representing ‘I hear ya.’ But Salim noticed the little smile at his addition that Jason tried to hide. He’d done that so often back when they’d first met too. Salim wanted to tell him he didn’t have to hide anymore. But that was something for Jason to work on... They entered the building, both looking in different directions as they swept the entry way. Jason concluded he was correct. This building was huge and there was no way to get around everything in a day. His eyes fell on an information desk with a stack of maps. It made the most sense to look at that and figure out what they most wanted to see. Salim was still staring at the various staircases, so before Jason had a chance to voice his suggestion he was met with, “So, where would you like to start?” “Well I don’t know what’s here.” “I wont lie, Zain and I came here to scope it out. I… have some guesses on what you might be interested in.” Salim almost smirked, “If you trust me?” What kind of question is that? Jason tilted his head again, but Salim’s smirk kept growing and Jason wondered whether he was getting messed with here. His eyes narrowed and he raised an index finger in Salim’s direction. “If there is one fuckin’ thing in here on Sumerian mythology, the House of Ashes, or vampires I’m gonna scream.” Salim chuckled, “Aw, and that was my planned first stop.” Jason didn’t need words - just looked at him incredulously. Salim grinned back, “Ah, that’s right you never want to hear my jokes.” “That wasn’t fuckin’ funny!” “It was to me.”

*** They had a chance to have small talk while going around the exhibits. Jason was doing a pretty good job at remaining focused on what was in front of him, and Salim didn’t want to push anything that would pull Jason’s attention. Let alone get deep into serious conversations; but the more they wandered around the more restless Jason became. Salim saw this coming a mile off; he didn’t seem like the kind of man to frequent museums often. If anything, Jason was doing this for Salim’s benefit; but he wasn’t complaining. A break might do him some good, so as they walked between exhibits Salim suggested they stop at the café. And when Jason admitted he hadn’t eaten yet today, Salim gave him the same look Jason imagined Zain got when confessing something Salim didn’t agree with. “Jason!” - yeah that was definitely a scolding voice. He simply shrugged, smile a little sheepish. He got nervous – no better excuse needed! Salim only let him off because Jason looked kinda cute when he smiled like that.

Salim paid, but Jason was annoyingly insistent that he should. “Jason, you’re visiting me, so that’s bad manners.” “You gonna do this the entire time I’m here?!” Jason received the same look and found himself shutting up; it was irritatingly effective.

Once they were settled at a table Salim waited until Jason started eating to initiate any significant conversation. He noticed how much more relaxed Jason seemed now; he hummed gently as he ate, but he was comfortable in the silence between them. But by his posture; Salim knew he was still on guard, behind those pretty brown eyes Jason was alert to his surroundings. Ready to act in a split second if necessary. Marines… Salim wondered if he could ever switch that off…

It had been hard for Salim once too, but once his priorities had changed to Zain he found it much easier to leave his military career at the door. He was glad he would never have to pick it up again.

Maybe, eventually, Jason could be like that too.

Salim took a sip of coffee, still staring. There was something very easy about Jason to look at – countless details he couldn’t possibly have noticed in the darkness underground that he did now. Jason had an uneven pattern of freckles across his face, his eyes were a lighter shade of brown than Salim’s – the colours running through them striking in daylight (whenever Jason wasn’t hiding them under his cap), the details of both his tattoos – although whatever was on the top of his right arm still remained mostly covered under his sleeve; Salim wondered to himself if Jason had anymore hidden under his clothes, but stopped himself from taking the thought too far. Now he’s seated, Jason was tapping his foot to an unheard melody; Salim wondered if it matched whatever he was humming. And Jason must have known he was being watched by the way he raised his eyes to Salim’s now. Jason tipped his head, and Salim could already hear what was coming. I can hear you thinking. “About you.” Salim answered before it was even asked. Jason was caught off guard enough to almost choke, but it turned into a laugh. “I’m not goin’ anywhere.” “Well, that’s good to know.” And Salim was serious about that. “Not gonna stop you starin’, huh?” “Like you could stop either?” He’d noticed Jason found it incredibly hard to keep his eyes on anything else when they’d been exploring together. Jason looked away, “You do own a mirror… right?” Ha. “Do you think I’m attractive, Jason?” The American became much more interested in what he was eating, and Salim breathed a laugh. That was quite enough teasing him for now.

He gave Jason a couple of minutes respite, before he lowered his voice. “How long did they keep you for?” Jason wondered if Salim felt someone might be listening to them, but decided to completely ignore this concern. At this point if anyone was following him, they already knew who he was talking to. “Four months, all around. I’ve been at home 2 weeks, then I came here.” Salim’s eyes widened a little at the revelation. Jason hadn’t stopped thinking about this for four months, had he? Salim couldn’t say he’d been able to stop thinking about Jason, either. “Hard questions?” The younger man shrugged, “Same questions. But when you hear ‘em five hundred fuckin’ times they start to get real old, real fast… apparently they’re still monitoring us.” Salim folded an arm across his chest, other hand keeping his coffee cup close to his lips, “Oh yeah?” “Told us to stay home.” Jason seemed incredibly proud of the fact that he’d defied that order. “So I’m going to get you into trouble?” Jason’s little smile became a full smirk, “You’d be worth it.” Salim raised an eyebrow, taking another sip, “That so?” He received a nod in return, “Uh huh.” “And how long are you here?” “Ticket back is for a month from now…” Jason thought he needed to promptly voice that he couldn’t extend that, he needed to set expectations with the man in front of him now. “Non-refundable.” Salim’s eyes wandered the table for a moment as he considered this, before locking with Jason’s again, “Probably for the best, you’ll be sick of me by then.” Jason didn’t miss a beat before he replied. He didn’t even seem to think about it, shaking his head and resting it on his palm, “Nah, don’t think I’ll ever get sick of you.”

Jason didn’t expect Salim’s eyes to leave his again, and he shifted slightly in his seat. Jason found surprise hitting him full force as Salim’s smile turned nervous. There was no possible way that Jason made Salim nervous? “Well, we have a month to find out.”

There was something under his tone – but Jason was aware whatever it was was an important conversation for another time. No use getting so deep in a museum café – not before either of them were ready. He tucked it into the back of his mind. Besides Jason wasn’t so sure his flirting was the thing making Salim nervous. Jason slid his hand across the table and rested it on top of Salim’s, “Hey.” He brought the Iraqi’s eyes back to his, glad that Salim didn’t pull away from him. “I mean it. I never want to find out.”

Salim opened his mouth again; he had a million ways he could be self-detrimental. But the hard-set frown on Jason’s face made him hesitate. He could tell this American man was about to be just as stubborn. Instead, Salim hung his head, “I’m sorry… Jason.” “For what?” Jason picked up his fork again, “You of all people ain’t got nothing to be sorry for.”

Salim found himself staring back at Jason again as he finished his plate. Jason’s hand didn’t leave his, so Salim slid his fingers to enclose around Jason’s. He realised he didn’t exactly know how to say thank you. Even if he didn’t believe what Jason was saying, it was obvious Jason believed it with his whole heart. But giving him space and time? That was Jason’s way of showing patience.

“Where do you want to go after this? You got anything else interestin’ to show me?” Jason indicated to the map with his fork, and Salim was snapped out of his staring. He was changing the subject on purpose. Pulling Salim out of a spiral Jason knew only to well. “Uh, yeah…” Salim used his free hand to unfurl the map again, and started pointing out the sections they hadn’t been to yet. Jason listened and nodded along enthusiastically, even trying to have some input when Salim turned the map around and asked if there was anything else he’d be interested in. The whole time, his hand never left Salim’s. And Salim squeezed it gently, watching the tiny smile lifting at the corner of Jason’s mouth as he talked.

Salim knew no matter how this went it was a long hard road ahead for many reasons. But Jason would make it bearable.

Hell, in moments like this, he almost made it seem easy. ***

Jason was only going to leave because he had to.

They both kept saying this to themselves over the course of the next month, a constant reminder that it wasn’t forever. At least not right now. At a couple of points Jason had announced, money be damned, he’d stay. Salim – much as he didn’t want to – had to be the level-headed, sensible one and tell him it’s ridiculous.

“Jason you almost DIED for that money!”

Jason’s mouth said he doesn’t care; but Salim wasn’t ready for Jason to take that kind of chance for him yet.

The past month had been nothing short of wonderful, as they’d learned about and gotten a little more used to one other. It was reassuring for both of them to know the spark ignited four months ago wasn’t fleeting. The bond they’d formed had only become stronger.

There wasn’t a day they had been apart – even if the moments they got together some days were brief. After all, Jason was aware that Salim’s priority should be Zain here.

Zain knew Jason existed; from what Salim had told him. But Jason wasn’t sure it was time to make the step to meeting him yet – he wasn’t sure he was prepared.

By this point Zain was busy with classes anyway, but Jason promised that next time he made it to London, if Zain wanted, they could finally meet.

And there will be a next time. Jason was already thinking about returning to the US just to book his next flight back. Even if Jason’s head was telling him he could have deployment notices waiting, his heart was fully in the driver’s seat. And even when he left, Jason knew his heart would stay in London.

***

The month had flown by. Jason felt like he’d been there four seconds, not four weeks. He could hardly believe that he spent the first few days anxiously holed up around his hotel. It was worth it; the payoff was so worth it.

They’d hit most of the tourist areas by now. Jason had moved hotels a couple of times, but that had always been his plan, and it allowed them to explore different parts of the city. The closest Salim had ever been to his hotel room was standing outside the hotel reception when walking Jason back at night. Which Salim insisted on doing even when Jason professed, as a Marine, he’d be perfectly capable of doing it himself. It had been fun – Jason couldn’t remember ever having this much fun with anyone doing anything in his life ever.

All good things must come to an end, and on Jason’s last full day in the city they met up early in the morning. Jason didn’t want to waste a single second that he had left. But he also knew how hard it would be to say goodbye, and he wanted a clean break. When Salim offered to take him back to the airport, Jason declined. He knew that would make things impossible – if they took a car or taxi Jason was going to refuse to get out. If they took the Underground and Salim walked him into the airport, Jason wouldn’t let him go. He’d miss his flight and then they would be back at square one. The very thing they are both (apparently) trying to avoid.

Jason tried to be honest about why he didn’t think it was a good idea, but he also tried to lessen the blow by mentioning something else he’d been a little uneasy about the last few days. If he really is being monitored… Salim isn’t fooled, and doesn’t take that as a serious consideration for even a second; ‘Habibi, at this point, they already know about me.’

Either way, the last thing either of them wanted was for Jason to be marked AWOL. That had the largest consequence here, and both of them knew it.

The conversation on his final morning was a little more heated. Mostly because it was confusing to sort through. They were both trying to figure out how they would communicate after Jason went home. Neither of them wanted to leave it on a ‘I’ll meet you in X place at X time’ note again. It worked this time, but there was no way either of them could be expected to wait that long again. Salim knew Jason was probably incapable of doing so, realistically.

Telephone or cell didn’t seem likely. Jason wasn’t even sure if US to Iraq communication would work; and even if he was, he’s even less sure that every conversation wouldn’t be heavily monitored.

Letters felt like the same issue. How long would it take someone in the US to receive something with an Iraqi post mark. Could he be sure that it’s not going to be read on the way to his house? Jason’s all too aware of how many people are just like he used to be. He wasn’t even out of the woods yet; he knew it was something he would have to work on every day.

Jason discussed email too, but Salim suggested that a computer was not a commodity that he had easy access to.

There was silence, but Jason felt like he was about to start clutching at straws. He couldn’t wait to be back in Iraq to be able to contact Salim either. His mail was going to be under even more scrutiny if it reached Jason on base. And he didn’t even know when he was likely to be back in the country. The last thing Jason needed was someone to be alerted to (or God forbid, alert SIRA) the fact he was receiving mail from an Iraqi civilian. Salim needed it even less.

It was also not a guarantee anymore that Salim would be there when Jason was. When he was going to live between London and Iraq it still made things hit and miss.

Which was why Salim suggested going through Zain. He’d given Jason all the contact details. London was safe for them both. It would be like having a third party go between. Jason thought that was going to put unnecessary pressure on Salim’s kid, but Salim promises it would only be temporary; Zain surely wouldn’t mind for a while, until they were both safe to contact each other again. Or better, in each others arms.

And apart from that he’s all out of suggestions.

Jason couldn’t help but be dismayed, flailing his arms, “How are we ever going to make this work?!” He doesn’t mind complicated, but right now there is no end in sight of them always having to use Zain. With time delays how long would they both have to worry about the other until they received any form of communication. Salim wasn’t going to let Jason start getting stressed on his final day here, “It will. We must have some faith. Hope even. We both want this Jason, it will work.” Besides, it wasn’t like either of them were about to leave this to chance; it could be resolved, it might just take some patience. If Jason had any. Jason lowered his hands, staring at him, “I thought you were meant to be the sceptic! I never heard you talk like that before.” Salim smiled, leaning forward, “Well maybe someone told me hope is all we have left.” Jason laughed, trying not to let his own influence on Salim go to his head too much, “I think I said “got left”…” He received a smirk back, “Yes Jason, and that isn’t grammatically accurate.”

Their last day together was just as amazing as all the others had been. Salim made sure not to drop Jason back to his hotel too late, after all Jason needed to pack, and get a good nights sleep for his long travel day tomorrow. When he mentioned this, Salim gave Jason a look that made the American swear to do just that.

They spend too much time outside of the hotel entrance dancing around saying goodbye. Even if it won’t be goodbye, it felt hard for them both to actually utter the word. Last time they did this, Jason chased him down. It was the only reason they were both here now. And this time it was Jason that had to go back home.

Salim didn’t say goodbye, but he said the next most difficult thing on his mind. The one he wasn’t sure Jason would be receptive to. “Jason…” The pause hung for a little too long, but the younger man didn’t prompt him. Salim’s voice seemed to shake a little bit and it swore Jason to silence. He was nervous again. Although this time it was accompanied by a faint blush. Jason was making him nervous. Again. Somehow. Jason once more couldn’t believe it. “…Jason, may I kiss you?” The American found himself speechless for different reasons now. His brain ceased to function. He couldn’t make himself say yes. He couldn’t make himself nod either. And he realised it was awkward. That Salim had just held his heart out in his hands and Jason didn’t seem to have the decency to respond. He wondered how his face was reacting. Did he look shocked? In a good way? Was any part of his body showing how positively he was taking the question.

 Eventually he somehow managed a ‘Mmm.’ Although the delay couldn’t have been as long as it felt, because Salim at no point seemed dismayed by a lack of response. Jason wasn’t even sure if that counted as a response, but Salim knew him enough to know what he was trying to say. Salim took a short step forward, and closed the gap between them. His kiss was polite, tentative even, and his lips barely brushed against Jason’s. But it was enough for Jason to feel elated. It was enough for Jason to crave more. Immediately.

Salim was trying not to outstay his welcome, but Jason pulled him back, his kiss a little more firm, confident. He hoped that he was telling Salim that it was okay for him to be kissed like this. Jason wasn’t going to be shy about it now. So, it wasn’t just one kiss, it was two… three… four… before they finally pulled away from each other.

That faint blush was still painted across Salim’s cheeks as they looked at each other now – Jason knew that was reflected on his own face. Salim stayed close, and he kept Jason in his arms. His eyes tender. Jason didn’t think he’d ever been looked at like that in his life.

You look like you love me… Please, God, I hope you love me…

Jason realised that this was what he wanted. Damn right now, he wanted this for the rest of his life. Salim felt like home. Salim was home. Jason knew that now. Salim was where he wanted to be.

Salim smiled, and this time when he spoke it was breathed Arabic. Jason didn’t understand the words, but he recognised ‘Habibi’. Salim had been using that one a lot around him this past month. Jason’s eyes were shining, and Salim didn’t want him to cry, happy tears or not. Salim leant back in, and kissed Jason again.