Woah

i’m in this horrible state of thinking that i have become so lazy, which from my behaviour is undoubtedly true. when i was at home i was so heavily relied upon both by family circumstances and by my work that i was never not busy. now that i’m here at uni i just feel not needed at all and so i sleep so much, i get up late and i go to bed late, i don’t take care of myself as well as i should, i’m bad at replying to messages, i don’t eat properly (either too much or too little), i’m not exercising like i used to, it’s hard for me to socialise. just lazy lazy lazy

but at the same time, i’m not sure if it is my body’s cry for help that i’m not listening to. i read those text posts on social media about tell tale signs of depression, but i never think that it could be me, i still am not convinced. i’ve never been good at understanding my own emotions which sounds weird to say but it’s so true, i most of the time have no idea why i feel the way i do and instead distract myself so that i don’t pay attention to it.

however i’m now at point where i can sense that there is a black cloud trying to hang over me that wasn’t there before, slowly but surely it’s becoming more and more prominent and it’s trying so hard to totally engulf me. some days it feels like it does and my body gives in to it, but there is still a part of me that doesn’t want it to happen and is defiant and allows me to have good days.