Mosaic

There’s one thing I believe in, and that’s finding anything that will keep me happy no matter what task I’m facing. 

“Will you go with me?”

               Five words and I felt anxious.

               It took five words to make me feel a shiver run down on my back and lose control of myself. I was in denial; afraid to admit something I can and cannot see. I felt a sense of excitement when we were together, so I thought it made sense now. Is this the feeling I had always hidden six feet under? Is this why every time I see you, everything around you starts to dissolve and you become the focus of my sight? Was I ready for this? Is this really it?

 “Can I trust you?”

               Four words and I became stiff.

               It took four words for me to become frozen in my place; waiting for you to tell me your secret. You told me so many things and I did as well, but this wasn’t like the others. This was the one you never wanted to talk about, and I always understood. Everything changed when you decided to tell this little secret of yours, and I’ve never felt more fortunate because I was the one whom you felt right to open up to. I felt like I played such a huge role in your life, but I knew deep down that I was just another person you talk to on a day-to-day basis.

 “I am leaving.”

               Three words and I became broken.

               It took three words to crack my very being. That was the night that we last saw each other personally and I never felt anything so right and wrong at the same time when those words came out of my mouth. For years and years I yearned for these feelings to go away, yet they still came back every time my eyes see you. This was something I wanted so badly, but I always knew that deep down inside it was too toxic; too damaging.

 “See you.”

               Two words and I knew that I had to let go.

               It took two words to finally make me realize that this was the reality I was supposed to face. It was when I knew that you weren’t supposed to be my home. I actually thought that I would be able to shrug it off at some point, but I guess that takes time. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to say how much you really meant to me and where I truly keep you in my heart.

 “Bye.”

               One word came out of my mouth and I knew.

No, I felt.

E handed me this origami swan. It's the kind that whenever you pulled its tail, its wings flap down in a motion of flight. It was beautiful, really. She designed it with glitters that resembled small diamonds that sparkled brightly with the moon's reflection. E started studying origami these past few weeks. It helps fight her anxiety. It has become prevalent now. And it is nights like these when her anxiety has become so unbearable that she can no longer sleep. I would often get a call in the middle of the night to hear her tired voice moan for us to go out. Having the occupation of loving her, I would always comply. We'd hang out in parks, on benches, on empty fields, basically any place that has no living being in the vicinity. And we'd just be there basking in our own comfortable silence bubble, sometimes for hours. When she gets the urge to sleep or when the sun starts rising, that's the only time we'll go back home. And to be honest, all these nights have been killing me.

"I'm sorry, C." She said as she pushed her forehead into mine, looking down to our feet in shame.

"What's there to be sorry about?" I asked innocently.

"You don't have to do this for me." She answered, still looking down. "I know you're tired. You have your finals coming in two days yet you spend your entire nights and mornings being with me instead of using all that time to sleep."

"Hey," I held her face, her beautiful snow-kissed face, and gently rose it up so her eyes would meet mine. They are bloodshot now, signaling an impending torrent of tears. "I love you, okay? I love you."

E pulled up a smile with the best she could and kissed me again. Then she shifted her body so that her head would rest on my arm. Almost by instinct, I brushed my hand through her hair. She loved this, it always made her fall asleep. But her anxiety's too stubborn for that now. All I can do now is keep her calm. That's all there is to us now, really. Her anxiety has gotten the best of us. I would always try to keep her calm as she nursed her exhausted mind, scorched by the anxiety. The perpetual feelings are no longer there. There's simply no more love anymore. I just see her now as an obligation, a necessary responsibility of my occupation as her lover. Ironic to think that I am her lover, but without love.

"The stars are bright tonight." E remarked, shifting her head on my arm ever so slightly as to survey the dome of dotted lights above us.

"Yes. Yes they are." I replied. They really were. I was simply too preoccupied with her that I failed to notice the landscape of beautiful, tiny lights that shine on an eternally dark background.

"I've never seen these many stars before." She said.

"Neither have I."

"They're so beautiful."

E said those words with painful emphasis, as if those three words were her last. It really was beautiful. A blanket of glitters like the ones on her origami swan, engulfing the both of us with no one to share it with. It was so beautiful that I almost forgot the reason why I was here.

"E?" I called for her, as gently and softly as I could. I could hear my heart start pounding. "I have to tell you something."

She spared no word as she shifted her body off my arm and laid on the patch of grass opposite me, her bloodshot eyes gone now as it shone as clear as the moon itself. She knows what's going to happen next.

"I can't do this anymore." I said. If the circumstances weren't the same, it could have taken me a very long time to speak those words. But I have been sleeping less. My body's as drained as a sick dog just waiting to die. My mind's so drained I can hardly even perceive those around me. If anything, those words have been more of a sigh of relief.

Again, E didn't say a word. She didn't even bulge. Her eyes steadily fixed into mine. I gazed into her eyes, watching the slightest movement and twitch. After a while, her eyes shot blood and began to well up tears. She knew I was going to say those words. She knew those haunting words would come knocking at her door. As I gazed into her eyes, I knew that she was preparing herself for this. But no preparation would have been enough to hear that I, the one who loved her for eight years, am no longer in the prospect of loving her.

She shifted her head back on my arms. Being the strong woman that I knew her to be for a majority of our life before the anxiety kicked in, she does not want me to see her crying. She never does want me to see her cry. The first time I saw her cry, I couldn't help but go out of my entire way and comfort her with the best I can do. Now, I feel nothing. Not even a pinch in my chest. The woman I had loved for almost half of my life, crying on my arm as she so desperately tries to hide her pain, and I feel nothing. How has it come to this?

"They're so beautiful." E said, evading the circumstances as she desperately tried to brush off the tears from her eyes, trying to act strong as her crumbling heart slowly unraveled and peeled away.

"Yes, they are." I replied stoically. There was nothing I could have said.

"They're so real. I can almost touch them."

"Yes."

"Even though I'm already six feet under."

And in a moment of emotional disdain, my heart finally twitched. The deus ex machina has descended. And in this moment, I muttered the only words that came into my mind. The words that seemed to make sense for the both of us.

For it was beautiful. She was beautiful and she was my star. The brightest star in the dark landscape. She was beautiful, behind her imperfections, behind her anxiety, behind her seemingly infinite flaws. We are all flawed, and she is no different. But I have sinned to the gods. To have made their most beautiful creation into this husk of a being. And to have dug her grave among her beautiful sisters in the heavens. To have buried her...

"Six feet under the stars."

No matter how many times I repeat that line in my head and replay the situations, it won’t change the fact that I can only wish to turn back time and choose you over him. I know it seems rude to say that, but this has been haunting me ever since I woke up to the truth. Two years already has passed since everything happened. We cut our ties for a while because I was hung up on someone else at that time. He and I were stuck in an impasse, not knowing where we stood with each other and where we would end up. You, on the other hand, took the role that was meant to be his. You lit up the fire that he extinguished. You made me feel something that I didn’t want to acknowledge.

For some reason, fate intervened and made us admit the feelings that we’ve been trying to hide for a long time. I realized how stupid I was. I realized how dumb I had been. How could someone be so oblivious not to even notice his simple efforts? How could I have been blind? I want to kick myself and bang my head on the wall a million times for turning down a guy who would do anything for me.

You were my best friend and someone I could do anything with. You were my confidant. We had the connection that no one could surpass. We talked every second of every single day and during the night, you would still call me as if we never run out of words to spew. You are the only person whom I could be my true self whenever you were around. I didn’t even have to put a mask on to pretend because you accepted me for who I am and admire me, anyway. When I’m in doubt, you never lost faith in me. You were the one who cheered me on and supported me during my darkest moments. We were happy. We were contented with each other’s company. But then my dream guy came along and I slowly turned my back on you. I put my complete attention to him, all the while I became distant and cold to you. I put you second when you deserve to be the first. You never gave up on me even though I kept on pushing you away every time I was happy with him. And every time we had a fight, you were very patient to mend my heart, as if it was your job to do it. He was not always there for me, but you were. I had taken you for granted all the while you were still eager enough to put my broken heart pieces together. I was clinging to a fantasy with him that could have been a reality with you.

I thought I had bottled up my feelings for you, tucked away in the corners of my heart. Then one night while we were talking, you suddenly wondered why you didn’t even try to court me. I told you that I didn’t know why, that I was just waiting for you to fall for me, but because you seemed too fixated on someone else, I got scared to tell the truth. You told me the same thing. That you were also afraid to admit your feelings. The realization hit us. We didn’t expect that we felt the same way. We were best friends, we’ve talked almost about everything, but why did it take us so long to admit? I remember you asked me that night why I didn’t tell you sooner. That maybe our story would have changed if I confessed earlier on. But I guess we are too late. I can only imagine what could have been but all we have now is remorse.

Looking back, reminiscing the times when you had been doing everything for me and how you had tried to tell me how insensitive I had been for not seeing what was right in front of me. You never really asked me to be your girl but you showed me a sliver of what it would be like to be yours. And there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t punish myself for shoving away my only chance. I am sorry for being such a coward. I am so sorry for pushing you away because now I would do whatever it takes just to have you back. Even though I know deep down in my heart, it’s already too late. I am sorry for letting you feel that I was ungrateful to have you by my side. I am sorry for letting you deal with my mood swings and pointless drama when it shouldn’t have been you to put up with it. And I am so sorry for taking you for granted when I should have given you my all. If only I could turn back time, and rewind all the things that had happened, I will never let you go. I will never turn my back on you. I will gather all my courage and tell you how I really feel.

But now that you are already dating someone new, someone who will give you the love you deserve, the kind of love that I wasn’t able to give, I feel happy for you. Even if that happiness does not include me anymore, I will still support you in every decision you will make. That’s what best friends are for, right? You have no idea how important you are to me, and you always will be. You have been a huge part in my life and you contributed a lot to who I am today. And if ever you get a chance to read this, please do know that if you need someone to talk to, I am still your best friend who is always there for you. You have been the best guy friend anyone could ever ask for and I miss you so so so much. As much as I regret that I lost my place any girl would dream to be in, you still and will always be my favorite “almost”. Take care, A.

Always,

1.) It is important to each one of us humans Being a feminist means giving importance and recognizing the worth and voice of women in our society or community. If a woman is a feminist, she believes that her right must be recognized and respected, as well as telling everyone that we should be a feminist. All of us want to live in a world where there’s no war, just love and peace. But why don’t we start it through equality? Let us not be hypocrites writing and wishing for world peace and unity if we ourselves cannot do something for someone. It just doesn’t make sense, not only about world peace and equality, but also to a WOMEN’S BODY. I’ve read some tweets and posts of activists saying that men are called ‘confident’ because they’re wearing a sando or even topless. But when girls wear crop tops and short shorts, they’re called attention seekers. Yes, many of us learned that a woman should be conservative as well as prim and proper. It’s because if something ‘unlady-like’ is shown, society will start growling and tell gross comments, just like when women wear too much make-up, they look like a clown and it’s JUST. TOO. MUCH. Well what if those women who you’re calling names already know what they have in mind. What if they said that they don’t need your validation that they’re beautiful and not disgusting with or without make up. Whatever they wear is their own decision. Always remember, their body, their choice. Your body, your choice

2.) More Opportunites “Opportunity is a factor that influences people”. As we all know, taking opportunities will be a big step forward on our lives. Because we’re able to show our talents and what we have in our mind to the world. Just imagine what would it be like if our next president will be a woman. It’ll inspire many girls, telling them that sexual preferences don’t matter as long as you keep track of your dreams. Always be inspired and give importance to it, it doesn’t matter if you plan to form a family or be with someone just to prove yourself that you’re worth it, same applies to young boy. This will also be a great opportunity when feminists will tell young boys that being silly or fooling around with girls will not make that cooler. To be honest, they look stupid if they’re like that. Also telling them that the days where your dad, uncle, and even your grandpa tell you that having another woman or mistress in your life is normal and being a real man. It’s mean and disrespectful, if you plan to do just that, you will become a weak man.

I was a fool, because now I know love is pain. Love is crying at 2 am on a school night, because even though you know they’re busy, not being able to talk to the person you love is heartbreaking.

Love is smiling through the tears streaming down your cheeks. It’s putting on a brave face while staring down the very thing that crushes your heart and soul. It is utter, painful agony that breaks you down but leaves you absolutely begging for more.

But love is beautiful as well. Love is cooking for the person you love at 5 am because you both didn’t get any sleep. Love is listening, caring and in the end, just being THERE.

There, in the comfortable silence and space of her room, the only thing separating you two would be the book she’s reading, while she snorts and laughs as she reads.

And you smile. Because you love her…

Love is pain, but it’s something we go through together. You experience that pain with someone, and in the end, both of you are better off for having gone through it.

           Oh, wait. Right. I got trapped in this never-ending abyss by something called Procrastination. I often find myself involuntarily slipping into what I call my ‘procrastinating mode’ with all the distractions I see lying around. I see my laptop and suddenly I’m binge watching the complete season of a TV series I recently discovered instead of doing what I originally planned to do.

           Come to think of it, it’s become kind of a habit and I’m sure the same can be said for most of you. I mean, are you really willing to do the stuff you need to do when you can obviously do it another time? And besides, there’s a lot of things you absolutely need (want) to do instead.

      Going down tall places may seem like the type of thing that all skateboarders would do in their weird hardcore life, but it’s not just that. We are also going down pretty HUGE places too, but jokes aside, we also just like to cruise around town, practice a couple of tricks ever now and then possibly cruise a bit more. It’s the little things that we appreciate, from the weather (since we can’t skate when it’s wet) to the surface of a road or sidewalk.

Alam kong hindi mo ‘ko kilala at alam naman natin ang numero unong kasabihan na huwag maniwala at magtiwala sa mga taong hindi mo kilala. Sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, ako sana'y pakinggan mo pa rin. Huwag kang susuko. Sige, babawiin ko na lamang ang sinabi ko kaninang, “huwag umiyak”. Umiyak ka na lang. Ilabas mo lamang ang lahat ng luha mo basta huwag mong idamay ang Maynila at baka bumaha. Kung sa tingin mong 'di mo na kaya, huwag. Makakatapos ka rin. Malalagpasan mo rin 'yan. Ilang beses mo na yan narinig, oo, alam ko. Totoo naman. Lahat ng mga problema ngayon ay unti-unti ring mawawala. Mabagal lang ang proseso. Maghintay ka lang. Kung sa tingin mong mas mabilis kapag kinuha mo na ang sarili mong buhay, huwag na huwag mong iisipin 'yan. Kung sa tingin mong okay lang naman mawala sa mundo kasi wala namang iiyak para sa akin, AKO ANG IIYAK. At sigurado akong mayroong magwawala. 'Di ka nag-iisa, kaibigan.

Madilim man ang iyong paningin mo ngayon, sigurado akong may mahahanap kang liwanag kapag tumayo ka at binuksan mo ang ilaw sa kwarto mo.

Huwag mo rin pala kalimutang tumawa.