It’s been a long day.

Happy to be non sober again. My diet is strange. Im hungry n full n i need money n im tired and needd to find a therapist

Shut thebfuck up and sleep

I forget to choose privacy and to be genuine alot. I know this substance abuse thingy is less funny and more time to make life changes phase but aaaaaa i feel ??? And g

I much preferred when i had things to say. Now i just feel empty. I can’t tell if this is better

I miss you i miss feeling like i had a foothold somewhere and i hate that i loved someone so stupid so much i never needed the other stuff I’m lonely and I’ve always been and now nothing feels any different. Life n deaths feel the same as walking. I’m good at moving along but where am i going

I wish there were some way for me to hone in. The things i got passionate about are hard to connect to. Talking alone is difficult. Sarahs been helping with amber and keeping her occupied i dont know. I wish i were better at this i shouldnt be so reactive and negative and dramatic but i cant help feeling thsi way

I want to be held i want to be spoiled i want someone be possessive of me in more than one or two facets i want someone to grip my wrist and ask me to stay i want someone to pry me open to insist on letting me speak I’m awfully childish but if someone looked me in the eye and after seeing as much of me i can show, tells me they want me to stay, i would break completely. I would kill to keep their hands clean i would throw all of myself away and i want someone to grip it all and insist they want my debris too

I dont know what i am and this is making it worse it is making it so much worse so so so much worse i hope i die soon

My only choice is to be unacceptable but it’s so so so lonely

Im sorry im sorry i know you all put in effort i just cant look past tomorrow i keep hoping something takes my life out of my hands i just wish i were dead so terribly I’ve been waiting for so long please don’t keep me any longer okay?

I need to have someone i think i killed me years ago and it helped us live but i cant exactly bring it back

I fantasized about dying alot today. I wanna have a smoke and i wanna burn and bruise myself and i wanna see it so i can feel my pain is real and i keep fantasizing about sex that quickly turns into murder. I keep imagining being stabbed and strangled and drowned and being disabled and thrown into a sealed container to suffocate. I thought about how I’ll probably get lung cancer one day and i felt so ecstatic about it my heart bloomed

It gets so embarrassing at some point and im probably self obsessing but every little detail is making me feel like im starting to see a bigger picture. They said i could hold onto them but theyre not there. That’s a hard ask I understand but i want someone to spoil me too sometimes. I wanna be told its okay to cry longer than a few minutes and ask how im feeling